FUPA round one (490 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.25 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ripple (View user info) at 2006-03-14 15:41:21 EST
The empty places he once stood
Are hidden from the sun
The shadows, soot and spiderwebs
Are left when all is done
In hazy, haunting memories
I can only see his face
For everything that I once knew
It is almost too late
I know that he had held my hand,
Picked me up to help me see
But he just lays as cold as ice
Beneath the dying tree
Now nightly I sit up and cry,
My sobs grow every louder
As I pray that he had been proud
To have called me 'daughter'
User Reviews
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-22 19:12:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Shitstain.
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-03-22 19:09:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
1.5, I liked it.
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-03-22 19:01:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
If the 2nd and 4th stanzas had flowed like the 1st (and even 3rd), then +2.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-03-20 13:28:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-19 18:45:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Simply written, yet effective.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-03-17 16:40:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
fell short.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-17 11:50:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-03-16 19:07:21 (#)
Ranking: 0
failed in stirring anything
Submitted by Waxinmyeye (user info) at 2006-03-16 19:19:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
blech... there is better out there
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-03-16 19:07:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
no even contempt.
piss poor, sunshine.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-03-16 19:07:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
failed in stirring anything
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-16 13:41:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Part of me read this and thought "it's a little simple."
Then I read it again and found that the simplicity worked.
The meter was off in a few places. Which is fine if you're not really going for structure, but since you were I feel the need to mention it because an extra syllable here and there interrupted the flow a few times.
The ending left me feeling something, which is always better than feeling flat.
Nice introspective turn there.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-03-15 09:31:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
0
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-15 08:28:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2006-03-14 19:56:31 (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't get discouraged, this showed promise. Don't feel you have to be trapped into a strict form and ryhming scheme. Just let yourself express it in whatever form it comes.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2006-03-14 19:56:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't get discouraged, this showed promise. Don't feel you have to be trapped into a strict form and ryhming scheme. Just let yourself express it in whatever form it comes.
Submitted by midwesternknight (user info) at 2006-03-14 16:51:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-14 16:12:37 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
..."said Barnacle Bill the Sailor...."
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-14 15:51:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
This was written in iambic boringmeter.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-03-14 15:49:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
so far this contest sucks
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-14 15:48:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
A little clumsy.
It is very difficult to review poetry.