Every Goddamn Splinter (1108 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: one-part_stories
Rating: 1.71 on 47 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Stagger Lee (View user info) at 2006-03-15 09:07:03 EST
Errol's not been out in days. He hasn't been out because the bastard in room 408 has told his mean-ass dog to go for him if it sees him. Errol suspects the dog is a Rottweiler, but he's not great at that sort of thing. He is by no means stupid, but some things just don't register on him. They're just not important, see?
Errol lives in 410. Errol's lived here for two years now, and the bastard in 408 hasn't given him a thing but grief. Started the very second Errol moved in. Errol was carrying a box of his collectables up the stairs, and the bastard rounded the corner and smacked into him. Errol's box went down, crash, and some pretty good stuff broke. Errol was pissed, and confronted him. The bastard didn't care that he'd broken some of his stuff, and pushed Errol. Laughed at him, too.
Errol doesn't forget shit like that. No sir.
Now, it's not like Errol doesn't have friends. He's got friends. There's the nice girl in 411. There are the guys at the bakery where he works. There are two of his friends from high school. He sees them every now and again. They don't really pick up on how different he is. They think he's a nice, if somewhat socially inept.
The apartment building Errol lives in is an old one. The hall has actual wallpaper; faded, tacky red roses on beige. It peels in places and is water-damaged in others. It's water-damaged because the roof leaks. In fact, it even leaks in Errol's place, tracing big filthy patches down the walls every time it rains. The ceilings are the exactly kind of carved plaster that you get when people mistake excessive ornamentation for style or art. The light fixtures are dim and only work erratically in any case.
Errol's apartment is large, but it's a dump, really; as mentioned, the ceiling leaks. The walls are depressingly easy to gouge, whether by accident or on purpose. Errol's furniture is pretty weak, too. It's mostly old, carved wood stuff. Not vintage or classic, either. It was cheap when it was made and it's even cheaper now.
Currently, Errol is sitting by the large window in his living room, peering through the blinds onto 42nd Street. He's hoping to spot the bastard leaving the building, so he can sneak out and pick up some milk and maybe some snacks or something. But he hasn't been able to track the bastard's movements since the last threat; Errol doesn't dare spy on the hallway or the bastard's door directly. He fears capture, but worse than capture, he fears that the bastard will know how much he's gotten to Errol.
If he doesn't see the bastard soon, he's just going to have to chance it. To be held prisoner in his own house like this is ridiculous, anyway.
It happened three days ago. Errol was leaving to go to the cinema with his two remaining high school friends. He was excited, and a rarity: he was genuinely happy. Errol puts on a brave face for most of the world, he seems almost puppy-like most of the time. But that day he was actually happy, inside and out.
The bastard came up the stairs and glared at him. Errol actually smiled at him. He was too happy not to. The bastard raised an eyebrow. He was (and is) a big man, average height, broad across the shoulders, slightly overweight, bald, and ugly.
"Fuck you smiling at?" the bastard said.
Errol's smile faltered slightly, but his buoyant mood couldn't be brought down. The day before, the nice girl in 411 agreed to accompany him for a coffee. His spirits were sailing at an all-time high. To him at least, she was the prettiest thing in the world. So he said, "Nothing. Good morning."
"Don't you good morning me," the bastard grunted.
Errol put on his most charming grin. "Come on now," he said, in his most civil tone, "We've had a bad start, you and I. Let's have a fresh go," and Errol put out his hand.
The bastard slapped his hand away and laughs coarsely. "Boy," he said, "I don't want a fresh start or nothin'. I don't wanna fucking know you," he laughs again, then bent down to pet his mean-ass dog. "Dog," he said, "if you see this bitch, you go for him, hear?" The mean-ass dog growled. Errol couldn't help but think the dog was growling in agreement.
That night after the movie, Errol slunk back to his apartment, creeping through the hallway like a criminal. As if he had done something wrong. He had to call the nice girl in 411 back and cancel his date because he couldn't leave his place. She seemed disappointed. Errol is beyond disappointed. He's got a sick, black rage living in him like a worm in his heart.
He stares at the street below, willing the bastard to appear so he can leave. So he can slink like a craven weasel from his own home and buy some goddamn milk. Twilight hangs over 42nd Street. Some people scurry, some people stride with purpose. Others don't quite measure up to either standard. They make their way along the darkening, car-infested street with an unidentifiable gait. Errol thinks he knows these people. These are the people who don't know their place. Errol wishes he didn't know his place, but he does: he's one of the scurrying ones. He's bound to live in the shadows of others.
Errol slouches off to sleep in his sagging bed, despite the fact that it's only 6:30 pm. He lies awake, staring at the ceiling and thinking his unclear thoughts. Sleep comes eventually and folds him in a bitter blanket of angry, confused dreams.
Morning. Saturday. Errol rises. He makes his way to the kitchen in his robe and discovers that he's still out of milk. No miracles overnight have provided him with milk. He's going to have to go out and get some. The hell with the bastard in 408. He doesn't have any right to do this to Errol, anyway. Errol dresses quickly and exits his apartment.
Even infused with his morning righteousness, Errol is cautious upon leaving his place. All the propelling certainty of being in the right is overshadowed by something much more simple and compelling. Fear, of course. Errol is still terribly afraid of the bastard and his mean-ass dog.
Errol creeps down the hallway, fearing that every touch of his foot to the beaten carpet is a sure signal to the bastard that he's attempting to jump ship. Errol passes room 409, and some kind of desperate elation starts to rise in his mind. Somehow he thinks that if he just gets past the bastard's actual room, he'll be able to break for it.
As he creeps past, eyeing room 408's door intently, Errol is struck by something. Yesterday's Friday paper is still lying outside the room. This is odd. The bastard usually reads his paper as soon as he gets it.
Errol decides to go on and ignore this. Then he realises he can't. Overcome by curiosity, Errol creeps close to the door and tentatively tries the handle. It turns easily and the door opens. He's instantly struck by the stench that pulses from the room. It's worse than anything he has ever smelt. Unable to turn back or help himself, he pushes on into the room.
He looks to the left as he goes in, and he sees the bastard. He's lying on his back in a fetid, stinking pool of his own blood. His mean-ass dog is peacefully sleeping the corpse of his former master. The bastard's throat has been torn out. His eyes stare at the ceiling, and flies have gathered on them. They swarm grotesquely around on his face as well. His body wears a dirty grey singlet and tracksuit pants. In dying, he has soiled himself.
On the mean-ass dog's sleeping muzzle there is still a residue of its master's blood.
Errol gags, and retreats. He closes the door as quietly as possible. The mean-ass dog doesn't even stir. Far from being disheartened at the demise of his foe, Errol is quite naturally elated. He races down the hall to tell the nice girl in 411 that he can make it after all. He feels liberated and serene and burning with energy, all at once.
It's only later, when Errol decides to call the police, that he wonders if all this means anything. He wonders if there's any lesson to be learned. Eventually he decides that it's more likely that this was just some stuff that happened. He wonders what the nice girl will wear tonight.
User Reviews
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-21 02:14:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't like you, but Orgasmatron does.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-16 11:11:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-03-16 08:26:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
this is edging up most heated list.
just thought you'd like to know.
---------
Props to redskies a the O-Tron, then.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-03-16 08:26:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this is edging up most heated list.
just thought you'd like to know.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-03-16 07:04:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn good.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-16 05:55:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your first Orgasmo poem Stagger. You should probably get a t shirt of it printed and then wear it all the time, even if you spill food (or any other thing) down the front.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-03-16 04:44:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hoooooly shit
this was good
i mean really, really good
i am Errol.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-16 04:00:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:33:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
Years ago O found Ms. Stagger
In a bar by the Blackfriars tube
He charmed her with wit and with swagger
Bought her pints as he stared at her boobs
-------------------------
Wouldn't that be Miss Lee? Just quietly....
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-15 17:00:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-03-15 16:48:53 (#)
Ranking: -2
Calling me an idiot hours after I make an inane, kind of confusing comment about how ubersite coddles certain "writers" while others get shafted for ridiculous shit-posts is ballsy. Real ballsy. I would consider it idiotic to waste countless hours writing posts for a website that forgets you exist if you leave for more than a month.
----------------------------------------
Ah, that's what you were trying to say. Fair enough, it's at least partly true. On the other hand, I don't write FOR ubersite. I'd write anyway. It's a hobby. It's nice to have people who aren't my family or friends read it, that's all.
As for calling you an idiot, that was a bad way to express what I meant. What I meant is that the opinion of someone who hasn't read the story doesn't really bother me one way or the other, and I don't know why you'd rate something you hadn't read. But if the only thing that my post is good for to you is -2'ing and flaming, that's cool too. Enjoy yourself.
Oh, and it took me hours to respond because I only just logged on, and I don't really look at the times on comments.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-03-15 16:48:53 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Calling me an idiot hours after I make an inane, kind of confusing comment about how ubersite coddles certain "writers" while others get shafted for ridiculous shit-posts is ballsy. Real ballsy. I would consider it idiotic to waste countless hours writing posts for a website that forgets you exist if you leave for more than a month.
Oh.....my.....god.........I am an idiot. :(
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-03-15 16:44:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you're fucked up in the good way.
i saw the name errol and pictured robin hood.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-15 16:38:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:26:31 (#)
Ranking: -2
i'm sorry sir, but i think glall was right. i know he's being a mean bastard right now, but i have professed my undying love and support for him and all that trombone jazz that no one really pays any attention to anymore. if it's any consolation, i still love your cape and would love it if you'd join me under the moonlight for a glass of coke and a bucket of fries.
i'm sorry it had to be this way. :)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:10:55 (#)
Ranking: -2
I commented earlier on how I hate Paula Abdul and her quest for absolute mediocrity. Ubersite is your Paula Abdul. There is no definition as to a good post or not, so I'm going to take hold of that opportunity and say, eh, I didn't read this, and I blame you for not making it interesting enough. Your title sucked me in, and I read two paragraphs before I noticed I wouldn't need the blue mats and a warm glass of milk for naptime. Shorten your posts, stop using characters, I want some godamn MSpaint or a better picture, and I want it now.
---------------
Meh. He's not being mean, and it doesn't offend me. He's an idiot.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-03-15 16:15:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hah!
Very well done!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-15 14:37:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's the first time the Big O has namechecked me in one of his poems, and for that I can thank my errant son Staggers. I may allow him to remove his boxing gloves at night so that he may experience the pleasures of mistress palm and her four normal daughters and one hunchback, who never the less, is good with tools.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-03-15 14:24:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I quite liked this.
Thank you
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-15 12:46:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
O would have called Miss Stag up
To bed her once while preggers
And crown her growing baby's head
With skeet tapped from his keggers
Alas, there was no 'nointing
For Miss Stag could not be found,
He heard she'd gone Australian
And moved to Sydney town
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-15 12:32:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's right Stagger - my love stink - all over ye! That's good ole Geordie Jizz.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:43:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What asshole would call their kid Errol?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:33:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Years ago O found Ms. Stagger
In a bar by the Blackfriars tube
He charmed her with wit and with swagger
Bought her pints as he stared at her boobs
As the hours passed she grew enamo(u)red
While they drank at their table for two
But her bladder inside her then clamored
So she pardoned herself to the loo
On her way she winked to a young waiter
Who then left his post, fast on her heels,
In the stall her lust proved the force greater
And the walls heard his moans and her squeals
She took O-Man home around midnight
She was laid bare and spread just for him
When he slid deep inside her he saw white
Forced from out the small lips of her quim
"Woman!" he shouted, "you two-timing toad!
"I knew my nose caught redskies' stink!
He got here before me, I feel his load,
That won't stop me, though, I'm at the brink."
O-Man unloaded and left straight away
Never 'gain to approach her or call,
His seed, second-planted, no foothold could lay
On her egg or her vaginal walls
It's likely, dear Stagger, you're redskies'
And no first-born and favored of mine
Tell your mother I miss her, I still cry
When I think of her bosoms, so fine.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:33:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this was very good
It reminds me of the uber days of yore.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:26:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i'm sorry sir, but i think glall was right. i know he's being a mean bastard right now, but i have professed my undying love and support for him and all that trombone jazz that no one really pays any attention to anymore. if it's any consolation, i still love your cape and would love it if you'd join me under the moonlight for a glass of coke and a bucket of fries.
i'm sorry it had to be this way. :)
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:10:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I commented earlier on how I hate Paula Abdul and her quest for absolute mediocrity. Ubersite is your Paula Abdul. There is no definition as to a good post or not, so I'm going to take hold of that opportunity and say, eh, I didn't read this, and I blame you for not making it interesting enough. Your title sucked me in, and I read two paragraphs before I noticed I wouldn't need the blue mats and a warm glass of milk for naptime. Shorten your posts, stop using characters, I want some godamn MSpaint or a better picture, and I want it now.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:06:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:03:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:52:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:48:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
We could go the hono(u)rable route, and settle this privately.
Or we could shoot this bitch up to heated with a public display.
---
If you had any real love for the boy, you'd do this privately. As it is you're just teaching him that public displays of drama are the only way to get what you want! That's why you abandoned his mother!
---
She's lucky she even lived to carry the child to term.
I'm just saying is all.
And the lad needs to learn that strength lies not in subtlety, but savagery.
You've read his writing. I think he's picked that up here and there. In him I am most pleased.
---
Don't smother the child with affection! He's had one mum leave him already!
You're just jealous coz you had the sloppy seconds. Stagger will choose me because I will let him drink and get high then I'll pay for a prostitute on his 18th Birthday. That's English Tradition that is.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:05:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You promised you'd never speak of that, Voltage. Now you die.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:03:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:01:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:59:53 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:54:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
Poem + 1
Cunning +1
---------------------------
Oh, so if I'd posted a picture I'd have gotten a better rating from you?
*sob* this is why I want to live with other dad!
---
You whine like your mother. She was fickle too!
-----
That's because she was a laborador retriever.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:03:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:52:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:48:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
We could go the hono(u)rable route, and settle this privately.
Or we could shoot this bitch up to heated with a public display.
---
If you had any real love for the boy, you'd do this privately. As it is you're just teaching him that public displays of drama are the only way to get what you want! That's why you abandoned his mother!
---
She's lucky she even lived to carry the child to term.
I'm just saying is all.
And the lad needs to learn that strength lies not in subtlety, but savagery.
You've read his writing. I think he's picked that up here and there. In him I am most pleased.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:01:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:59:53 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:54:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
Poem + 1
Cunning +1
---------------------------
Oh, so if I'd posted a picture I'd have gotten a better rating from you?
*sob* this is why I want to live with other dad!
---
You whine like your mother. She was fickle too!
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:59:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:54:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
Poem + 1
Cunning +1
---------------------------
Oh, so if I'd posted a picture I'd have gotten a better rating from you?
*sob* this is why I want to live with other dad!
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:53:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:48:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
We could go the hono(u)rable route, and settle this privately.
Or we could shoot this bitch up to heated with a public display.
-----------
Woot.
Thanks to everyone who reviewed, by the way.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:52:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:48:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
We could go the hono(u)rable route, and settle this privately.
Or we could shoot this bitch up to heated with a public display.
---
If you had any real love for the boy, you'd do this privately. As it is you're just teaching him that public displays of drama are the only way to get what you want! That's why you abandoned his mother!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:48:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We could go the hono(u)rable route, and settle this privately.
Or we could shoot this bitch up to heated with a public display.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:22:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:00:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
I mean my identity.
---
Orgasmo, we're gonna have to sort out between us which one of us is Stagger's creator. He can't have both of us, that's pew-aaa greedy man.
This fighting over who is his real daddy will upset him, then the family court will step in, and then we'll both end up with visitation arrangements, where we stare at each other coldly and whisper things like "I'll take you to the football if you poo on his carpet" and then the other will be like "Before I drop you off to have food with him next week, we'll go get a McDonalds and an icecream eh? Don't eat his food - it's probably made of kittens."
Sooner or later someone keyed someone's car, bleach gets poured onto gardens spelling out PAEDO and then we get into a knife fight down on the docks.
If you want to settle this honourably email me redskieslookfake.at.hotmail.co.uk and then we can sort something out.
p.s. Stagger - we both really really love you - but one of us loves you more than the other.
p.p.s. Orgasmo already has millions of kids, he wont have time for you.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:21:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:18:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:01:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
I mean everyone knows you and I are both comicbookguy.
----
I knew you sounded familiar.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:03:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Still my favorite new poster.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:01:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I mean everyone knows you and I are both comicbookguy.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:01:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool stuff.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:00:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I mean my identity.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:00:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-15 09:17:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
And good work. I hope this finally puts to rest the stories about you being an alter.
---
Me too. I don't want it to distract people from thinking of you as an individual. Better they enjoy your work than worry about your identity.
Submitted by PrevertEnabler (user info) at 2006-03-15 09:56:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Errol came off a little Ed Gein-ish to me. I was hoping he'd wear the neighbor's skin as a hat. Oh well. At least he'll get laid.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-15 09:51:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-03-15 09:47:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
Too "see spot run" for me, however, my brother's name is Errol, so you get points.
----------------
Yeah, the idea was to make the narrative childish and matter-of-fact because that's how Errol is. Sort of almost first-person. I think it might be a shade heavy-handed though.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-03-15 09:47:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Too "see spot run" for me, however, my brother's name is Errol, so you get points.
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-03-15 09:37:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff. I was expecting Errol to kill the bastard.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-15 09:36:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-15 09:28:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff, Stagger.
I have a new neighbor I have never met but already know I don't like. I have stealthily avoided meeting him in the hallway for 3 weeks now. His door is 15 feet from mine. I wonder how long it will last. I will surely find myself hoping he'll be offed by a dog. Stupid no-pet policy.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-15 09:17:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And good work. I hope this finally puts to rest the stories about you being an alter.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-15 09:16:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There is a moral to this.
The moral is 'dogs are like cats - they will eat you if given a chance'
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-15 09:15:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was good, didn't see that coming.
Errol is a tool, though. Good ending.