A Hostile Corporate Takeover (1799 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 1.77 on 61 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (View user info) at 2006-03-15 09:52:32 EST
It started like any other day. I woke up, got ready for work, drove to work taking the 267 toll-road, Route 123, and a sidewalk respectively. I parked in my normal spot (Handicapped parking) and limped into the building while yelling loudly about how the short bus forgot to pick me up this morning, in case someone wanted to come and challenge my handicap.
The elevator ride up was just like any other day. I got on in the lobby and told it to go to the top floor, counting off levels as it went up. When I counted that it went up 5 levels I hit the emergency button which stopped the elevator. Then I climbed to the ceiling and pried open the emergency opening in the roof, and pulled myself through that. Then I stood on the top of the elevator and dragged myself up the elevator cable to the 6th floor doors which I pulled apart and jumped through.
When I got into the office however, it was not like any other day.
Everyone was packing their stuff up into boxes and people just seemed to be depressed as I walked through the halls bewildered. I wondered for a moment if the president had finally taken my advice (that all the employee's were vampires) and told them all they were going to be staked at noon.
But as I walked to my desk, the answer presented itself.
"HighVoltage! How nice to see you!" A man who I recognized instantly as Mark, person who I never expected to see again.
"Mark, my old student. Good to see you. What has it been? 3 years?" I asked walking up to him, cautious. Mark being here made me wonder what was really going on...
"Yes well. I am now being contracted to InfiDim Enterprises. I handle...uh...unpleasant situations." He said pushing his thumbs through his belt loop behind his back. THAT raised my suspicion.
"You know in the whole time I have worked, only you ever survived my training, what have you been doing with all that knowledge and experience I gave you?" I asked nonchalantly, slowly inching my fingers down to my laptop bag. I was getting weird vibes from this whole thing. Everyone packing up their stuff, Mark suddenly showing up while working for another company. It didn't make any sense.
Unless....
"Well I help people understand the direction of their industry and their place in it. I am hired by people to help...convince them that they may not be managing their resources as well as they could be." Mark said with a grin, his hands still behind his back.
For a moment we both stood their smiling congenially at one another, and then I decided to cut the crap.
My grin faded away and I starred into his stony eyes.
"Why are you here Mark?" I asked seriously. Mark's lip twitched, something he did when he was nervous. I knew this man, I knew him well. I knew him better than anyone probably. Just as when you fight side by side with someone on the battlefield, I had filed hundreds of expense reports with him. I had taught him everything I knew. I had watched him sweat and bleed and cry into the cheap carpet fabric that the company lined the floor with when the training got hard. I also watched him finally succeed and come out a better and stronger man.
"InfiDim Enterprises is expanding. Profits are up and sales have never been higher. We need more space and more resources to keep up with expansion." Mark explained and I took a step backwards in shock as I realized what was happening.
"Dear god...You're buying out the company..." I whispered as I realized what he was hinting at.
"InfiDim doesn't have time to waste when things are turning up. We are on the rise and you are not. Consider this a hostile takeover." Mark said, his lip now twitching a little more, his hands still hidden behind his back. I started to reach down to my laptop bag but Mark shook his head.
"I wouldn't suggest doing that. You see InfiDim knows all about you. They hired me to make sure YOU don't cause any trouble during this time of transition. I am here to make sure things stay...pleasant." Mark said with a grin, a grin that was evil and probably one he picked up from working in marketing.
"You'll never succeed Mark. I won't let you." I said firmly. I noticed that the hall we were in was suddenly very quiet and very empty. It was just us.
"There is nothing you can do HighVoltage. Times are changing. Companies no longer need people like you. Once InfiDim buys out your company, you will be downsized with the rest of the employees." As Mark spoke, a crazy glint shined in his eye.
I couldn't believe how far my old student had fallen.
"You're termination letter won't be far behind mine." I said with an inherent threat in my tone of voice, but Mark laughed in my face.
"Not true. I have a bachelor's degree in market research." He spat back at me. For a moment we stood their starring at one another, my hand inches away from my laptop bag zipper, his hands still behind his back.
"There is no way we can avoid this is there?" Mark asked. I shook my head slowly.
"No. There isn't. This is how it will be."
"Well then. I suppose I will have to remove you prematurely." Mark said and his muscled flexed as he grabbed something behind his back. I reacted immediately by throwing my laptop bag at his face, which he caught in shock with one hand. As he held it I punched him in the face and grabbed the bag back, ripping open the zipper and plunging my hand inside.
Mark drew his hand from behind his back revealing what he had been holding back there. A special issue Springfield Armory Colt 45.
As he swung the gun towards me I kicked out, slamming my foot into his stomach knocking him back. It allowed me time to pull out my own weapon, my trusty Taurus .38 caliber revolver.
Mark fell back in a controlled summersault and rolled to his feet with the gun pointed at me. Since I was in a hallway I had nowhere to escape to and I couldn't have a fire fight here. It would end up with both of us killed.
I threw all my weight at the door nearest to my right and it blew open. I tumbled through as bullets whizzed by right where I had been standing a moment ago. I fell through the door and came up with my .38 pointed at the door panting, realizing that I was in the General Manager's office which had a nice window view overlooking the city. I jumped up and kicked the door shut and pushed my shoulder against it, trying to buy time.
I stood their panting for a moment when a familiar sound made it's way through the wooden door.
The sound of a grenade pin being pulled and the grenade being dropped on the other side of the door.
I tensed up as the door exploded back, knocked clear off its hinges and I fell to the ground with a buzzing in my ears and blood dribbling down into my sight. I saw, in slow motion, Mark come through the door with me lying on the ground.
I did what any grown man would do.
I screamed out "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE MY FREEDOM!" in a Scottish accent and began to unload my revolver at the door, which Mark disappeared back around the corner. Jumping to my feet I looked around the room and realized my only course of action. I ran back and threw myself through the window, shattering it. In one swift, yet dazzling move, I ripped my tie off with my left hand and threw the tip at the shattered glass which it snagged on. With my gun hand I shot the window on the floor below.
Holding onto the tie I spun and rappelled into the 5th story window and broke through falling into the office below. I rolled to the floor panting and bleeding as I heard Mark laughing the floor above me.
"You can't stop it HighVoltage! YOU WON'T STOP INFIDIM ENTERPRISES! HAHAHAHAHAHA!" He cried out down at me, unable to follow as he was not wearing a tie. I struggled to my feet, wincing as I realized I had sprained my ankle. I had also dropped my precious .38 in the rappelling motion. Mark would pay for that.
"THIS ISN'T OVER MARK! I WILL BE BACK!" I roared back and began limping to my car as fast as I could.
I would be back.
I would bring the fight to them...
User Reviews
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-03-16 11:43:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was sweet.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-03-15 16:43:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-15 14:53:03 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-03-15 14:32:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-03-15 12:32:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
I love this sort of shit.
Whatever happened to the series about the billion dollars on the roof with the CEO in a helicopter and Japanese soldiers guarding the building and stuff?
Did I miss the end of that? Did it just stop?
Little help? Anyone..?
------------------
I was wondering the same thing.
HV, I nominate you to finish that series because it was quite good and if the person who started it *ahem, looks around accusingly* is too lazy to finish it, you're probably the only one who will do it any justice.
----
I have no idea what you two are talking about.
If you give me the link maybe I can help you out. But I didn't write that and never read whoever started it.
-----------
This http://www.ubersite.com/m/82066 is what I was talking about.
Totally worth it from the beginning.
Oi! FunnyAsCancer! Sort it out please.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-15 16:22:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-15 16:18:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-15 16:10:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
what is it with you and shoot-outs in the office?
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It's what I do.
You post lingerie pics. I post office battles.
---
You two should combine forces
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-15 16:18:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-15 16:10:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
what is it with you and shoot-outs in the office?
----
It's what I do.
You post lingerie pics. I post office battles.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-15 16:10:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what is it with you and shoot-outs in the office?
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-03-15 16:06:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good day for sweet posts.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-03-15 15:30:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-15 15:21:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
PF2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-15 14:53:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-03-15 14:32:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-03-15 12:32:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
I love this sort of shit.
Whatever happened to the series about the billion dollars on the roof with the CEO in a helicopter and Japanese soldiers guarding the building and stuff?
Did I miss the end of that? Did it just stop?
Little help? Anyone..?
------------------
I was wondering the same thing.
HV, I nominate you to finish that series because it was quite good and if the person who started it *ahem, looks around accusingly* is too lazy to finish it, you're probably the only one who will do it any justice.
----
I have no idea what you two are talking about.
If you give me the link maybe I can help you out. But I didn't write that and never read whoever started it.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-15 14:42:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-15 14:10:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh thank god...
Yeah you go rape O-man. I would much rather have my anus NOT violated by someone who isn't in a position to give me a raise (aka My boss).
You British and your words for money. Quid sounds like something you would call a ghey man.
---
There you go again making assumptions! I may want to be the little spoon!
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-03-15 14:32:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-03-15 12:32:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
I love this sort of shit.
Whatever happened to the series about the billion dollars on the roof with the CEO in a helicopter and Japanese soldiers guarding the building and stuff?
Did I miss the end of that? Did it just stop?
Little help? Anyone..?
------------------
I was wondering the same thing.
HV, I nominate you to finish that series because it was quite good and if the person who started it *ahem, looks around accusingly* is too lazy to finish it, you're probably the only one who will do it any justice.
Submitted by mtgn37 (user info) at 2006-03-15 14:25:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking mark
Submitted by hactar (user info) at 2006-03-15 14:21:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Max Berry does it waaaay better, sky king.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-15 14:10:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh thank god...
Yeah you go rape O-man. I would much rather have my anus NOT violated by someone who isn't in a position to give me a raise (aka My boss).
You British and your words for money. Quid sounds like something you would call a ghey man.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-15 14:05:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-15 14:02:28 (#)
Ranking: 0
Wait is red even female?
....Did I know the answer to that question at a previous time and just forget it when it counts?
---
I'm a modern man Voltage. Shit. I may be proving Berty correct. Wait - NO NO GAY FOR ME - NOOO
phew - saved me 50 quid there
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-15 14:02:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wait is red even female?
....Did I know the answer to that question at a previous time and just forget it when it counts?
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-15 13:25:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ouch. I was rejected by a rapist.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-15 13:18:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmm...I fear the coming weeks may find me a bit more vigilant behind the wheel.
And don't lie, redskies. You know you want to take a ride on the Orgasmatron too.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-15 12:43:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
==========
*takes stalker notes*
---
Licious! It's so exciting. The Big O and HV both use the same route! We could stalk both of them at the same time! Which would you prefer to club unconscious and drag back to your lair to feast upon? Ladies first.
========
*bats eyelashes* You are forever the gentleman, redskies.
It's no secret that I want to feast upon a table/chair/bed/back alley full of O, and HV has the long hair that you could use to your advantage.
Now, if only I could recall the kind of car he drives..
---
Excellent! Then we are agreed. You lock O in manacles that are resistant to poetry and I'll take HV's Beretta and club him to unconsciousness with it. That done we can take them back to various locations and post unglamorous camwhores of ourselves in the most interesting of positions, while O and HV's eyes bulge in mute appeal behind gaffer tape balaclavas.
erm.
I'm not sure if I want to surprise sex HV. (No offence mate) - I think we may have to double up on O.
The rules of the threesome:
1. AVOID EYE CONTACT AT ALL TIMES!!
2. No man bits to touch another man's at any point!
3. No giggling by any person involved.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-03-15 12:41:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-03-15 12:32:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love this sort of shit.
Whatever happened to the series about the billion dollars on the roof with the CEO in a helicopter and Japanese soldiers guarding the building and stuff?
Did I miss the end of that? Did it just stop?
Little help? Anyone..?
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-03-15 12:21:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for having a day that's going better than mine
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-03-15 12:21:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
a hoi hoi
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-15 12:20:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Rock on.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:45:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:31:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:23:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:09:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
66 - Nutley/123 - 7
==========
*takes stalker notes*
---
Licious! It's so exciting. The Big O and HV both use the same route! We could stalk both of them at the same time! Which would you prefer to club unconscious and drag back to your lair to feast upon? Ladies first.
========
*bats eyelashes* You are forever the gentleman, redskies.
It's no secret that I want to feast upon a table/chair/bed/back alley full of O, and HV has the long hair that you could use to your advantage.
Now, if only I could recall the kind of car he drives..
Submitted by digdug (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:40:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Glock 17. Thats what I roll with. I have 17 round magazines, too, not those pussy legal 10 round clips.
I want a Glock 18. Little smaller than the 17, but fully automatic with a 30 round mag. Used by Austrian police.
Good story, btw.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:37:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:36:36 (#)
Ranking: -2
I bet you were like "free ride on the glall train" man, like I'm not going to notice that you posted and just plant some daisies around this godamn thing. Here's the deal, though. I give you marginal credit. I would give you like a zero because this isn't bad, but fuck man, I've got an image to uphold. I spare no one. Take this cup of water I have, and drink some, chill out, i'll be back to say how great you are and making random comments not related to the post in any way trying to act like I read it either today or never. We'll have butter cookies or something.
----
Butter cookies make me gassy....
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:37:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking sweet! I just got pwned and edumacated. I'll be dropping you an email for sure.
Thanks for the info. As the late Mr. Carson would put it: "I did not know that."
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:36:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I bet you were like "free ride on the glall train" man, like I'm not going to notice that you posted and just plant some daisies around this godamn thing. Here's the deal, though. I give you marginal credit. I would give you like a zero because this isn't bad, but fuck man, I've got an image to uphold. I spare no one. Take this cup of water I have, and drink some, chill out, i'll be back to say how great you are and making random comments not related to the post in any way trying to act like I read it either today or never. We'll have butter cookies or something.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:32:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:17:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
Beretta? Oh crap, man. You gotta come to the house and let me educate you on good firearms.
Dude, the first generation 9mms cracked their slides after 6000 rounds or so. They were so terrible that Beretta had to agree to fix them for free or the military was going to void their contract. I think they've straightened most of the problems out, but I still don't trust them. Aside from that, the 9mm Parabellum round is obsolete.
----
You stepped into my arena. My father was the man who pioneered the M9 project. Do you want to know what really happened with the slides breaking? The story the military does not tell?
Do you know what a test round is? Before a pistol can be sold on the market they all must go through a certain number of rounds, and one test round. A test round is a round with twice the PSI pressure of a normal round that is fired through the chamber by a machine because it is too dangerous to fire it by hand. When the Beretta 92F and then 92FS were adopted as the standard side arm for the Army, a colonel in the army put his ammunition company in texas forward as the supplier of ammunition. The ammunition they supplied was not only faulty, but they were test rounds. Now a normal gun is only supposed to fire 1 test round IN ITS ENTIRE WORKING LIFE. Beretta M9's were being required to fire THOUSANDS of test rounds. Out of the 300,000+ pistols being sold, only 7 had cracks (and in certain cases with Navy SEALs [who used a special issue M9] the slide broke when rounds fired numbered in the several thousands.) after using the faulty ammunition.
But the military blamed Beretta and Beretta had to figure out a problem. Why? Because even though the Beretta attorneys (AKA my father) asked for documentation to see information about the ammunition, the military denied having documents that recorded the abnormally high PSI of regular rounds.
But guess what? Under the Freedom of Information Act, a few years later when Beretta asked AGAIN for the documentation, the Army suddenly said "Oh yeah...Uh...We did have documentation saying that the ammunition was wildly unsafe and highly volatile."
The Army BROKE THE LAW because they REFUSED to submit the ammunition of this colonel's company to be tested for safety. In 1985 when they finally allowed the ammunition to be tested, it was deemed "Unsafe for human use" and the ammunition was scrapped.
You are right, the military did threaten to void there contract. But out of every pistol put forward to replace the Colt 45 as the standard sidearm, ONLY BERETTA managed to surpass every requirement.
I will not get into the other factors of cross litigation by Smith and Wessen (who are assholes) and other American companies. Nor will I get into the fact that once the faulty ammunition was cycled out that Beretta's never had a problem again and the 92FS began to break records for longivity. I also will not mention the fact that the military tried to hire Beretta to supply the standard side arm for Navy personnel even AFTER all the bullshit they put Beretta through and Beretta said, in essence "Fuck you. You are so fucking pissy and would rather endanger the lives of your militarymen then admit you are wrong."
If you would like email me at HighVoltage900.at.aol.com and I will give you the name of a book you might be interested to read.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:31:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:23:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:09:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
66 - Nutley/123 - 7
==========
*takes stalker notes*
---
Licious! It's so exciting. The Big O and HV both use the same route! We could stalk both of them at the same time! Which would you prefer to club unconscious and drag back to your lair to feast upon? Ladies first.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:25:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:23:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:09:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
66 - Nutley/123 - 7
==========
*takes stalker notes*
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:17:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Beretta? Oh crap, man. You gotta come to the house and let me educate you on good firearms.
Dude, the first generation 9mms cracked their slides after 6000 rounds or so. They were so terrible that Beretta had to agree to fix them for free or the military was going to void their contract. I think they've straightened most of the problems out, but I still don't trust them. Aside from that, the 9mm Parabellum round is obsolete.
I've had excellent luck with Glocks and the Springfield XD line (for double-action only, hammerless pistols), the Colt Gold Cup line (if you're a .45 auto fan) and Ruger's Blackhawk and SuperBlackhawk line (on the revolver front - .44 mag and .480 Ruger only). Coonan makes a .357 Mag built on a .45 Auto frame that's a peach of a gun and one of the only semi-autos made in that caliber (I think Desert Eagle makes one, too). Desert Eagles make nice conversation pieces, but that's about all; they're too heavy to carry practically. I have a monstrous .454 Casull revolver I'll put you behind, but it costs me about $3/round to fire, so bring your wallet.
If you're looking for cheap, fun and deadly, pick up a CZ52 (7.62x25mm). They're old Eastern Bloc pistols from the cold war era and can be found anywhere for about 200 bucks. They're loud as hell, shoot a flower of flame out the barrel about 18 inches long and can be handloaded up to and exceeding .357 mag velocities (I chronographed mine at 1590fps).
I really have to go to work now. I'll check in at lunch.
This militant reply brought to you by:
Smith & Wesson - "That bastard didn't even mention us!"
-and-
Acme brand Ready-made Compounds - "When the shit hits the fan, go Waco on their asses."
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:09:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:34:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:30:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
It started like any other day. I woke up, got ready for work, drove to work taking the 267 toll-road, Route 123, and a sidewalk respectively.
---
That's almost my daily route to this block of glass and brick that I live in for eight and a half hours a day.
=====
Which direction? That is the backwards description of the route I take. I go Chainbridge/123 to the 267 Toll road over to Reston.
---
66 - Nutley/123 - 7
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:05:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Trite, overdone piece of crap.
I thoroughly hate this post and anyone who likes it.
Fuck you all, I'm having a bad day.
You get the +2 for dicksuckery purposes only, bitch.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:01:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:57:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
i wonder what you really do for work hv.
----
Haven't you read any of what I post? I'm too fucking busy to work!
Though I will reveal a shocking secret about my position in the company in the next post.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:57:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i wonder what you really do for work hv.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:56:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
highlander it should seem familiar.
Note the name of the company Mark works for....
Submitted by highlander (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:56:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This feels very Hitch-Hiker's Guide. Doesn't it, Ford? Erm, I mean, HighVoltage... :o)
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:54:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"a grin that was evil and probably one he picked up from working in marketing."
Awesone
This story is like if Dilbert and Batman had a one-night-stand, this is what you would end up with in nine months.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:50:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:46:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
You talked to the gnome and he didn't blow up? 'Cause by "decorative" I meant "a bomb" and by "merely" I meant "really fookin' big". Just goes to show you - that's a Brazilian-made exploding garden gnome. You know what else is made in Brazil? That's right - Taurus handguns. See? That faulty kiln-fired clay creature may have just saved your life today.
You got the pistol. You've accessed the armory. What else must I do to earn your trust? You didn't think we were going to complete the mission for you, did you?
----
No I know that's not how you beaurcratic agencies work. You're all about financing missions and having other people complete them! YOU MAKE ME SICK!
....Can I have $5 for the bus ride home?
Is Taurus really made in Brazil? It wouldn't surprise me actually. I don't mind you knocking any gun company but watch yourself around Beretta. That's my bread and butter.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:46:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You talked to the gnome and he didn't blow up? 'Cause by "decorative" I meant "a bomb" and by "merely" I meant "really fookin' big". Just goes to show you - that's a Brazilian-made exploding garden gnome. You know what else is made in Brazil? That's right - Taurus handguns. See? That faulty kiln-fired clay creature may have just saved your life today.
You got the pistol. You've accessed the armory. What else must I do to earn your trust? You didn't think we were going to complete the mission for you, did you?
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:41:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Was half expecting something from Monty Python involving corporate buccaneers.
This was better.
Submitted by tru_dat (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:36:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just like a pair of autistic Jedis.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:34:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:30:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
It started like any other day. I woke up, got ready for work, drove to work taking the 267 toll-road, Route 123, and a sidewalk respectively.
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That's almost my daily route to this block of glass and brick that I live in for eight and a half hours a day.
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Which direction? That is the backwards description of the route I take. I go Chainbridge/123 to the 267 Toll road over to Reston.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:30:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It started like any other day. I woke up, got ready for work, drove to work taking the 267 toll-road, Route 123, and a sidewalk respectively.
---
That's almost my daily route to this block of glass and brick that I live in for eight and a half hours a day.
Submitted by no_one (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:29:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm suprised to find a vogon without a tie. huh.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:28:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:26:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
You almost make me want to work in an office... almost.
Do not mourn the loss of your Taurus .38 revolver, good soldier. The .38 is woefully inadequate for your type of combat situation and Taurus makes absolute shit. Rejoice that you lost it before it blew up in your hand. Lucky for you, our organization has been aware of the impending takeover at your location. One of our operatives has placed a Springfield XD .357 Sig in the legal paper tray of the copier. Along with it are coded instructions on how to access the armory on the top floor. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT address the garden gnome guarding the armory entrance. He is merely decorative. Good luck.
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...Is that why he didn't respond when I spoke to him?
Cause like I talked to him for a good 5 minutes without a response.
That Sig better not have a tracer on it... Or I will come for you as well.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:26:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You almost make me want to work in an office... almost.
Do not mourn the loss of your Taurus .38 revolver, good soldier. The .38 is woefully inadequate for your type of combat situation and Taurus makes absolute shit. Rejoice that you lost it before it blew up in your hand. Lucky for you, our organization has been aware of the impending takeover at your location. One of our operatives has placed a Springfield XD .357 Sig in the legal paper tray of the copier. Along with it are coded instructions on how to access the armory on the top floor. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT address the garden gnome guarding the armory entrance. He is merely decorative. Good luck.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:26:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You almost make me want to work in an office... almost.
Do not mourn the loss of your Taurus .38 revolver, good soldier. The .38 is woefully inadequate for your type of combat situation and Taurus makes absolute shit. Rejoice that you lost it before it blew up in your hand. Lucky for you, our organization has been aware of the impending takeover at your location. One of our operatives has placed a Springfield XD .357 Sig in the legal paper tray of the copier. Along with it are coded instructions on how to access the armory on the top floor. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT address the garden gnome guarding the armory entrance. He is merely decorative. Good luck.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:17:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I could write this well instead of just pointing at pictures and going "hur hur lookit"
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:07:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny....that's similar to how I get to work. Except I surf on top of a commuter train. Those signal poles are tricky to dodge sometimes.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:07:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hey asshole, go fuck yourself.
i'm just kidding. i wanna poop on your chest. :)
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:07:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nicely done.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:06:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
TOP!!
You should be promoted.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:06:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kick his ass.
And by his, I mean Mel Gibsons
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:04:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ace
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:01:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ROFL the fight is not over...
No it is no where near over.
Submitted by r0fl (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:00:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because I used to live near a Springfield Armory and because I like when you kill people.
(Or at least try to.)
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-15 09:56:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I did what any grown man would do.
I plus 2'd this post.