FUPA - Woman At The Window - APW (732 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 0.57 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (View user info) at 2006-03-15 10:39:41 EST
Lost in thoughts of love a woman stands gazing out a window
Opens her heart to seek the truth and finds it empty and shallow
Verily the truth she finds is one of her devising
Ever changing love fits the lovers definition always revising
Sometimes hot, sometimes cool, sometimes merely warm
Undulating always unless its integrity comes to harm
Changed and warped, loves sweet embrace can wither, cool, and sour
Killing feelings between two people until it's lost its power
Simply put, this woman finds that love is a dirty cheap charm
User Reviews
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-03-22 18:37:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
0.5
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-03-22 18:37:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You were limited by the anagram (I think it's called), so it ended abruptly for me.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-21 19:00:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I think this could have flowed much better, but I really enjoyed the lines on their own (and I was secretly hoping someone would do an acrostic poem- this is better than what I would have expected from one).
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-03-20 13:23:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-03-17 11:27:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
made me smile a wry smile. odd stanzas though. length differences and such.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-03-17 11:23:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i was confused as to why you chose to use commas in the second stanza and then entirely omitted them in the first stanza.
otherwise, it was ok.
worth reading.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-03-16 18:52:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
oooohhhhh
aaaahhhhh
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-16 14:11:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I find myself saying this a lot in these reviews - if you're going to have a rhyme scheme, try to make sure that the meter works to the benefit of the rhyme.
Short, but good. Cute trick there with the lettering, too.
Where'd you pull 'verily' out of?
:)
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-15 16:02:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Catal, I agree that free verse is often more open to expression, this was further limited by my desire to write around the verticle message I included.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2006-03-15 15:45:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It was pretty good. I'm more of a fan of free verse myself. I find it's more expressive. This just didn't speak to me as much as I thought it could have.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-15 15:42:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
bout time, thanks Johnny. thought that'd be more obvious especially since I hinted at it.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-15 15:34:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
L
O
V
E
S
U
C
K
S
clever, you.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-03-15 13:13:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It was a little short, and the girl looks a little to young to feel the complexity you describe here, but I dug what you were going for. I smelled what you were stepping in, and I liked it.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:38:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:28:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
nice ass
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:26:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
What rhymes with "poop"?
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:18:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
don't have to worry about moving on now. I didn't expect much from this but this actually did take me quite a bit of time because of the specific structure I was working with. I actually had two more stanzas or whatever the fuck you want to call them but I couldn't make them work, it made my head hurt.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:15:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
indeed, glall does eat fear. i saw it once with my own thermal binoculars that i'd borrowed from globtron after the flood. quite honestly, mr. sir man bird naked guy. i have no idea what your name is, nor can i see this post having any sort of validity in the area of effort. granted, the picture was pretty and my x-ray vision was going to be put to awesome use until i looked through the damn dress and saw a millin and fifty red, blue and greenlights staring back at me.
so thanks to you, i'm fucking blind.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:11:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:47:59 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:42:59 (#)
Ranking: 1
Brdn, you sly dog. Merging FUPA and APW...clever.
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He beat me to the comment.
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Brdn beat me to my submission, I did the same thing doing a poem around a painting. *emo tears*
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:04:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I've been meaning to read the Cardboard series, I mean come on, how could I contain myself from "THE CARDBOARD BOX ADVENTURES"!?!?!??! I'll read it soon, but I got to lay down the law on ubersite, make it fear me. I eat fear.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:59:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Not really sure what to say, other than this could've been a +2 with a little more of something that seems to be lacking, but I'm not quite sure yet what that something is. Let me think about it and I'll get back to you with a 1.5 if I can identify the missing piece.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:58:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Glall, that's funny shit. I would love to have inspiration for another story like that. sadly It has returned but once and for a shorter run. did you read the cardboard box adventures? anyway I signed up for this competition and maybe this'll be the last round so I can stop feeling again. If I don't lose this round I may have to shave more than my legs to keep going.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:55:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
It's obvious you can write lines and post a jpeg of Dali. WOWZA. Where's the good old days of kicking Jeff Probst in the face and electrocuting his ass? Have we lost track of what's important here, man?!?!?! Women feel things, warm gooey things, that you feel as well it seems. Start shaving your legs.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:54:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Poem + 1
Cunning +1
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:49:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah hopefully that's allowed. I know it might be a little dirty but I finally just had to go find something for inspiration and went looking.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:47:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:42:59 (#)
Ranking: 1
Brdn, you sly dog. Merging FUPA and APW...clever.
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He beat me to the comment.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:47:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
yes, this kicked my ass but I was clever in another way. who'll spot it first?
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-15 10:42:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Brdn, you sly dog. Merging FUPA and APW...clever.
That being said, this was pretty good. It was just a little too short for my taste (yes, I know mine's pretty short too, don't judge me), which meant it was hard for me to get a real connection from the the verses. I don't think you left yourself enough space to craft a tone.
I think all the entrants in this comp are learning that poetry is fucking hard.