The Shittiest Post You'll Ever Read (1242 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Poop
Rating: 1.58 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jon (View user info) at 2006-03-15 11:10:18 EST
When you're a kid, pooping your pants is an everyday part of life.
At least, it was for me...
From the time between diapers and toilet, I knew that the poop wasn't supposed to get mushed up in your asscrack as a sort of chunky walking lubricant, but I ALSO knew that "Snaggle-Pot the Poo Shark" lived in the toilet. He bit little kids balls off.
So, I was in a dilema.
The poop had to stay out of my pants, and I couldn't use the toilet.
My parents went away one day, leaving me and my brother with the nice girl from up the street for a babysitter. I'd eaten 4 bowls of "Cracklin Oat Bran" that morning, and my poop shoot quiverred in anticipation.
My brother was watching me like a hawk, he knew exactly what was going to happen, and he was going to enjoy it to the fullest.
The day went along without problems. We had a joyous time coloring in the coloring book and reading stories together. It was lke we were living out an episode in Full House... only lamer.
My stomach grumbled and my torpedo tube instantly flooded.
"Uh ohhhhh," I said, looking at my brother.
"Oh," my brother quickly interjected, "I'll take care of it."
"You boys are just the greatest!" she said with a dimpled smile. She had a look of innocence, she was so pure. Seeing her face was like seeing a sun rise, and her persona was like the smell of morning dew.
I felt a small drop of feces roll down my leg.
"You'd better hide it somewhere, Jonny. You don't want her to know what happened," my brother said once we were down the hall.
I remembered seeing my mom put things in a Zip Lock bag to keep them fresh. Being the logical little thinker I was, I ran to the kitchen and grabbed a Zip Lock, I thgen ran into my parents' closet, dropped my drawers and released.
However, I pushed too hard and blew out my dad's good shoes. In the end I think I only got about half of it in the bag. No matter, the poop ferries would clean it up.
I sealed the baggy, and put it in the refrigerator, right next to a Zip lock full of chili.
We went back to the babysitter and the coloring.
"Everthing come out ok?" she asked.
"Oh yeah..." my brother responded with a big smile.
As the day wore on the sun beat down on my parents' closet door. We didn't have an air conditioner, and there was no wind that day. I was actually cooking shit on my dad's shoes.
Eventually, dinner time rolled around. By that time the whole back of the hallway reeked of poo. Luckily she hadn't ventured anywhere near there. But, more importantly, I had to poop again.
I decided, this batch had to go in the toilet. I knew it was about time I started facing my fears, and that I was going to go through life without testicles. Oh well, all they did was get in the way anyway.
My brother came with me to the bathroom, "You're very brave, Jonny," he told me.
I brought a dinner plate with me because I was going to poop on the plate on one side of the bathroom, and fling it into the toilet at the other side. My testicles would thank me later.
Luckily, it was solid this time. I filled the plate with 5 individual poopies.
My brother and I each had bread baqgs over our hands for throwing, we took turns. I lobbed mine with an ark, making both of them into the toilet. My brother whipped his against the wall, sometimes walls on the other side of the bathroom.
"WHAT THE FUCK!" we heard through the door behind us.
She had finally brought my liquid funk to a full boil in hopes to impress my parents by cooking dinner. Now, the entire house smelled so much like poop it made one's eyes water. To this day i wonder how she didn't know that she was boiling poop, and not chili.
The babysitter finally found us in the bathroom, she threw open the door, bawling her eyes out.
"I'm Going to KILL you little motheruckers!" I, for one, believed her.
Going back to what our dad had taught us, my brother and I took this as a threat and attacked her.
We wrestled on the floor for at least 5 minutes. In the meantime our parents had returned... they were watching at the bathroom door, with emotionless stares.
We stopped and looked up, covered in shit...
My dad's eyes lit up, "Look honey! Jonny some in the toilet this time!"
The babysitter looked up with the realization that we were indeed, all insane. She took her money and none of us ever saw her again.
Some say she just never came out of the house, others say she moved in with her dad across town.
But, if you ask me, she probably killed herself.
User Reviews
Submitted by moray (user info) at 2006-03-22 02:52:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Once when I was changing my baby daughters nappy [diaper] she had projectile diarrhea which hit me full force in the chest..
The experience enabled me to enjoy your post to the max...
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-22 02:26:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jon, that's horrid.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-03-22 02:14:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by viciousthawts (user info) at 2006-03-22 01:20:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There is something really wrong with you. That's probably why I continue to read all your posts.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-03-15 17:37:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That made me shit my pants. Good stuff.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-03-15 17:06:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't convince my son to go poopy on the potty. =(
I think I'd settle for him pooping on a plate and then dumping it in the potty at this point.
Submitted by mockidol (user info) at 2006-03-15 16:16:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by j0andre1 (user info) at 2006-03-15 15:39:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-03-15 13:36:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 cracklin oat bran
______________________________________________________________
I actually ate me a bowl of that there stuff just this morning.
It still keeps things movin.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-15 15:21:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11720603/
Submitted by DeFault (user info) at 2006-03-15 14:47:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-15 12:24:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-03-15 13:58:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
har har
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-03-15 13:51:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
blimey
Submitted by mtgn37 (user info) at 2006-03-15 13:41:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i farted
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-03-15 13:36:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 cracklin oat bran
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-03-15 13:24:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this made me feel nauseous
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2006-03-15 13:22:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great shit!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-15 12:24:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-03-15 12:19:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I smiled
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-03-15 12:19:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Prrrp.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-03-15 12:06:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Eeew. That's nasty.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:58:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. That's really interesting. Fucked up.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:52:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I thought was going to link to one (Or all) of my posts
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:49:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
poop chute. not shoot.
Submitted by j0andre1 (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:39:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah im regular looking... but thats about it.
Theres so much baggage in this here noggin, sometimes I go to the mall with a loud speaker... and cry through it.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:37:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
submit to poopreport.com
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:32:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ummm... shit glall... i... ummm... fucking hell, okay so here it is. jon, i like you as well. you're a regular old guy with a tongue for licking and an ass for shitting. but that's where it ends, my friend. and this post, well the title says it all. i know it was supposed to be a joke and a hold hoopla and fantasy land trip down the memory lane path to depression and child molestation. well that's where it led me. i'm sure i'll come back along with glall and change this and the whole what-not and shindig.
(actually, i'll just leave it at this +2, hopefully glall won't come back and notice...)
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:22:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was shitty.
Submitted by j0andre1 (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:18:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You were warned, God
Shittiness
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:16:44 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I like you, Jon. I like you when you proofread and write about doing drugs. Cooking up a pot of shit is in another realm. We are talking Babylon 5 dimensions here, man. I'm going easy on you with this -2 for being a friend, because i'm a classy kind of guy like that. I'm sure i'll intend to +2 this after lunch/meds time, but I won't. Why? GOOOOOOO Vancouver Grizzlies!