FUPA Round 1 - The Spinster (688 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.3 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Susie Derkins (View user info) at 2006-03-15 11:20:31 EST
My friends dragged me out one night
And said "You need to meet a man
And you'll never do it on your own
By sitting there on your lazy can."
They took me to the local pub
And ordered a round of drinks.
Mary looked around the crowd
"You'll meet one here, methinks!"
I looked 'round myself to see
If there was a decent gent.
The only men around the bar
Were loud and flatulent.
I told my friends what I thought
About the chances of a nice fellow
Being amongst these louts, they snorted
"Don't be picky. You're no prize, you know."
I sat, pulling on my pint and thought
That I need better friends instead.
When I got up to leave and flip them off
They pulled me back "We need to get you wed!"
I figured out then and there
The only way they'd get off my back
Is if I lowered my standards
And tried to see the good in this pack.
I drained my beer and stood
I reached up, straightened my hat
And walked to the bar for more ale.
I stopped when my rear felt a pat.
I turned quickly 'round
To see who would be so bold.
I looked into the grinning face
Of the man with my arse in full hold.
"Good evenin' my dear." He slurred
His breath nearly knocked me flat.
His gnarled beard had food in it
He was dirty, trollish and fat.
I removed his hand from my behind
And gave him a stern glare.
He laughed and pointed beside him
And said "Have a seat in that chair."
I looked 'round at my "friends"
Who pretended not to see, the pricks
I turned to the rude man and said
"I'll sit, but no more dirty tricks."
He patted the chair beside him,
My face twisted into a sneer.
He said to me, "I know I'm ugly,
But I'm the only one talking to you here."
I looked at him, aghast
But I realized he was right.
I could have shaken my bustle
And not had a hit all night.
So he sits there smoking his pipe
And I sit beside him, mute.
I resign myself to my fate:
To keep drinking 'till he's cute.
User Reviews
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-21 19:02:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Despite the meter being off in some places, this still made me smile.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-03-17 16:35:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
the rhyme scheme made it a bit campy.
Submitted by Waxinmyeye (user info) at 2006-03-16 19:16:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
she could use a good dicking...
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-03-16 19:01:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
tedius,
but i did smile.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-16 13:57:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Good job telling the story and getting from A to B (nice tie in with the painting, by the way).
Your syllables were here and there in some stanzas, which broke up the momentum of the lines.
The approach and perpsective you took in this were different, in a good way.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-03-16 09:13:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Just because it rhymes, doesn't make it a poem.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-16 09:02:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Pretty good, there.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2006-03-15 23:26:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Marge: I would love you if you weighed 1,000 pounds but ...
Homer: Beautiful. G'night.
King-Size Homer
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2006-03-15 19:31:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Another +2 for ya
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2006-03-15 19:29:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this a lot. The rhyming put me off at first, but I think it worked well in retrospect. Personally, this is my favorite poem so far.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-03-15 14:55:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know what this needed? Do you really know what this needed?
Tabletop roleplaying.
Seriously if, instead of a bar, you went into one of those role playing dork gaming shops you would so get a man in like, seconds. My childhood friend Jennifer, one of the manliest and surliest females I've ever met, went into a place called the Source and the dorks, well, it was like she was coated in asthma inhalers.
Now I know you might not be too into people who bust their paychecks on pewter figurines and Captain Picard playing cards, but think about it. The fact that they hang out in dork shops says they at least have (or are destined to have) paychecks in the field of IT, software engineering, or inking graphic novels. I mean what does hanging out for a bar really say for a guy? That he likes to drink? That he likes to pick up loose women who like to drink? Trust me, you're much better off with the dorks.
Just fake interest in Magic the Gathering or Pokemon or some shit like that.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-15 14:16:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for beer goggles
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-15 12:25:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Worth Reading.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:49:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I think no one likes poetry... unless it blows your mind or it blows how do you think circe gets her twos...
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:45:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
no worries Brdn, great minds think alike and fools never differ.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:43:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah fuck em. I had a grin. And it went perfect with the picture when I inspected it.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:43:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
they hit me too and there's no indication they even read mine, whatever. I like the way this ties with the painting. sorry I beat you to it, I would have done it anyway but that's just me
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:38:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Boy oh BOY are you guys mean today. Meh, shit happens, I appreciate your honesty.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:36:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
even if the world came to an end today. shit started flinging around everywhere, goblins were eating babies, donkeys fucking horses and the president was doing a tap dance rendition of the william tell overture, god would still not take you into heaven. oh sure, he'd let you come up and take a view from the fence, but it'd be a short day in hell before he'd ever let you come inside. trust me, i know these things.
now that you're depressed, go try and write some poetry. ever see a happy poet? no? well there you go, captain intuition!
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:27:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I've taken shits the size of a nickel that are more satisfying than this. BUT THIS WAS REALLY GOOD. YOU TRIED AND YOUR ATTITUDE WAS GREAT AND....
and all that jazz!
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:25:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:24:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
worth reading.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:23:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
That's a really long tale about a sphincter.