Straight Girls are Easy if You're a Lesbian (2458 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.8 on 58 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The Caes (View user info) at 2006-03-15 17:26:06 EST
Hey look everybody! I'm posting again!
What? You didn't even notice I was gone? Well, fuck you very much. How would you like a kick in the nuts?
Wait, wait, I'm sorry. That was rude of me. Let's start over. I'm sure that even though this site is populated by a small army of apathetic jerky-heads, some of you are glad to see me. Maybe three, four of you...like, Electro, and maybe that weird little British guy that smells of cheese. YOU know who I mean.
So, where have I been? Nowhere. Just busy sleepwalking through my sham of a life. Why have I returned? Well, you have a certain level of laziness and self-loathing to thank. This has been two days in a row where I've shirked things I OUGHT to be doing in favour of things that can really wait until another day...in this case, playing a new video game I bought. Yes, Fight Night Round 3 has claimed two of my evenings now, two evenings where I really should have been doing Something Better With My Time. So now that this day is winding down, I decided that I really should do SOMETHING productive, something that I've been putting off. And so here I am. Though whether or not spending the next hour typing out a post to a group of probably greasy people that will tell me to "-2 DIE" and "Suck it, Trebek" is actually a productive use of time is debatable, I choose not to question it.
So, let's talk about a disturbing discovery I made whilst playing the above mentioned video game for hours on end. It may not sound like much, but it would appear that I can't play video games like I used to. Oh, it's not the skill. I've still got the mad skillz. It's the endurance. After 6 and a half hours of straight playing, I found I had a very annoying headache. This never used to happen. I fondly recall many a day in my youth where I'd go on 10 to 15 hour video game marathons and not bat a single, glazed eye. What's this six-hour endurance limit bullshit? Fuck that. I'm not going to be limited by any kind of infirmity. I kept playing. I kept playing until I could feel my brain melting. Then I took a nap (read: passed out in a fit of convulsions).
It's kind of like how a pro athlete sustains an injury, but soldiers on, overcoming adversity to win the day with his work ethic and team spirit. Except video games only make me fatter, nobody is paying me, and no one really cares if I continue, stop, or die of radiation poisoning. Other than that though, it's exactly the same.
Seriously. It's a sad day when you realize your body is breaking down to the point where you can't sit on the couch and play video games like you used to. HOW CAN I BE PAST MY PRIME IN THAT?? I swear, in ten years if I'm playing a video game and my thumbs snap from excess usage, I shall be most upset.
Oh, and speaking of lesbians -- what? Okay, so we weren't really speaking of lesbians. But we were all thinking about them. And by 'we' I mean just me. And probably Professional Peon. Maybe Nath, if he wasn't busy thinking about Pac-man. Anyway, we're talking about them now.
So it was pointed out to me that I am surrounded by lesbians in my places of employment, and this is true. They're EVERYWHERE, at all three jobs. As I was talking to one of them about picking up chicks (who would know better than a chick who picks up chicks?), she remarked that she had way better luck picking up straight girls than she had picking up lesbians. She somehow has these powers of conversion, I guess. Immediately I began plotting to have her killed. I need all the options possible; I can't have some steadily growing lesbian army thwarting my already slim chances. Then I was distracted by the thought of a lesbian army waging wars with pillows and strapons, and she escaped. Oh well.
The point is, two days later I was talking to another lesbian at another job, and she said essentially the same thing! Her exact words were: "Oh man, straight girls are so easy. All you have to do is get them drunk and make them laugh and you can do anything you want to them."
FOUL! I cry foul shenanigans! Lesbians obviously have some kind of hypnotic power over straight girls. This is an injustice, a karmic imbalance!!
OR...what I only dared to dream in the past is actually true...all women really ARE two drinks away from a girl-on-girl adventure!! Glee! Bliss! Pants-soiling!
But this does not explain the troubles I have. How can a gay woman so easily ensnare a straight one with only a wine cooler, a smile, and a clitoris when I repeatedly fall short with a litre of whiskey, a smirk, and a near-fatal dose of rohypnol?
WHAT IS THE ALLURE OF THE LOVE THAT DARE NOT SPEAK ITS NAME??
Lend me your wisdom, lesbians. I call upon thee.
As a side note, that second lesbian actually is an amateur photographer in her spare time. Her current choice of subject? Nude women and specifically, close-ups of women's vaginas. Which is ANOTHER thing I'm pretty sure I couldn't get away with. Her apartment is just cluttered with pictures of naked ladies.
It's handy having lesbian buddies. First, there's always the slim chance of some spontaneous lesbian makeouts happening in my presence. Secondly, there's something extremely satisfying about ogling other women with a lesbian by your side. I really can't explain it, but when I start checking out a gorgeous girl and find out that the lesbian to my right is checking out the same girl, I want to start administering high fives. I think my crude lust gets validated somehow.
And thirdly, you can learn some interesting things from the gay girls. For example, I was shocked to learn that lesbians can still have babies. I was always under the impression that women stop menstruating as soon as they go gay. Who knew??
Here's a few pictures of lesbians - the gathering of which brought about another discovery: I can sift through pictures of girls kissing for hours on end and not get bored. Though some of the links that I followed did not lead to good places. In fact, some of those links were damy dirty lies; as they contained almost no lesbians at all.
The last picture is the best, purely because of those two really confused looking guys.
User Reviews
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2007-09-26 21:57:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Comment.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2007-02-09 19:14:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
About time you write something
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-02-09 18:19:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-02-09 18:09:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was fucking great. Me likey.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-02-09 17:59:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
so true
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-03-30 07:26:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-03-20 18:36:26 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-03-20 03:21:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
How did my name get thrown into the lesbian thought process???
*****************************
Heh heh, to be honest, I just wanted to see if you'd say anything. I also needed to use the name of someone who thinks of something other than sex and porn, at which point I recalled your Pac-Man worship.
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You have to worship him. What with him being a God and all.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-03-20 18:51:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ranking: 2
As far as the whole straight girls are easy thing goes... look at it this way:
Our whole society is inundated by blatant worship of the female form. It's pointed at us dumbass men, to get us to buy a certain brand of beer or watch a certain movie.
Granted there's some worship of the male form, but for every half naked male on a billboard, there's three half naked women.
It's primarily pointed at men but women grow up with it too. It inundates their psyches as much as ours which is why I believe that WAY more women are bi-curious than men...
Or maybe that's just what I want to believe... either way, I'm ok with it.
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I think you've hit the nail on the head there. Wow.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-03-20 18:36:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-03-20 03:21:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
How did my name get thrown into the lesbian thought process???
*****************************
Heh heh, to be honest, I just wanted to see if you'd say anything. I also needed to use the name of someone who thinks of something other than sex and porn, at which point I recalled your Pac-Man worship.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-03-20 03:49:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
But this does not explain the troubles I have. How can a gay woman so easily ensnare a straight one with only a wine cooler, a smile, and a clitoris when I repeatedly fall short with a litre of whiskey, a smirk, and a near-fatal dose of rohypnol?
-------------
Perfect, just perfect.
-Dave
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-03-20 03:21:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How did my name get thrown into the lesbian thought process???
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-03-16 20:24:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
fuck yes lesbian thursday
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-03-16 20:04:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-03-16 10:43:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
or well a girl has that chance. i don't really know what your odds are like.
****************************
Low.
Really low.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-03-16 20:03:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-03-16 08:43:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
What part of the colonies are you from, brother?
*********************************
Southern Ontario, not far from Toronto...about an hour's drive.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-16 15:21:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-03-16 12:37:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Scratch that first line- I'm retarded.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-03-16 12:36:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Although it is understandable since I work in a theater, the\
I have jobs at two different theaters, and they're complete opposites. At one of them, literally 3/4 of the people I've met who work there (administration or actual tech work) are homosexual. Ok, that makes sense- it's a theater.
BUT
At the other theater, I do not know of anyone who is employed there that is gay. Which leads me to think that perhaps if I announced that I was a lesbian, they'd give me a raise to avoid any hint of discrimination. Hmmmmm...
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-03-16 10:43:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"OR...what I only dared to dream in the past is actually true...all women really ARE two drinks away from a girl-on-girl adventure!! Glee! Bliss! Pants-soiling!"
yeah pretty much. well really like 80-85% of all women in the world are bi. so you have a 4/5 chance that she'll do ya if ya hit on her right. or well a girl has that chance. i don't really know what your odds are like.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-03-16 10:19:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-03-15 20:13:06 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-15 18:56:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
you know how i know you're gay? because you listen to coldplay.
***************************************
Ha ha, PERFECT QUOTE! Observe: http://www.ubersite.com/m/64826
Snark, your thinly veiled intimations aren't fooling anyone. Clearly, you've had a threesome with two girls. Go team! You're a quasi-geeky writing-type Canadian, like me, so I feel I can share in your success. Oh, and that's an interesting and very plausible theory about the rampant bisexuality of women. I think that could be right.
==============
Close. Very Close.
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-03-16 08:43:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What part of the colonies are you from, brother?
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-16 08:27:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not *as....damn.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-16 08:26:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
But this does not explain the troubles I have. How can a gay woman so easily ensnare a straight one with only a wine cooler, a smile, and a clitoris when I repeatedly fall short with a litre of whiskey, a smirk, and a near-fatal dose of rohypnol?
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You're probably not a attractive as a woman.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-16 08:16:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good to see you back around these parts.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-16 07:34:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Women are prettier than men.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-16 07:22:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-03-15 18:37:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
As far as the whole straight girls are easy thing goes... look at it this way:
Our whole society is inundated by blatant worship of the female form. It's pointed at us dumbass men, to get us to buy a certain brand of beer or watch a certain movie.
Granted there's some worship of the male form, but for every half naked male on a billboard, there's three half naked women.
It's primarily pointed at men but women grow up with it too. It inundates their psyches as much as ours which is why I believe that WAY more women are bi-curious than men...
Or maybe that's just what I want to believe... either way, I'm ok with it.
---------------
Hell of an insight there.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-03-16 07:19:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by crazyaardvark (user info) at 2006-03-15 23:33:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
"Glee! Bliss! Pants-soiling!"
+2 for you. I'm a straight girl and I honestly believe most straight girls are 2 drinks way from a girl on girl experience. I know I am.
**************************************
Why is that? Curiosity? Repressed homosexuality?
Either way, if you contact Professional Peon I'm sure she'll be able to hook you up.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-03-16 03:07:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"It's a sad day when you realize your body is breaking down to the point where you can't sit on the couch and play video games like you used to."
Too true...too true.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-03-16 02:47:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lesbians are overrated.
Why?
Well..... this knob won't polish itself, you know.
Submitted by crazyaardvark (user info) at 2006-03-15 23:33:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Glee! Bliss! Pants-soiling!"
+2 for you. I'm a straight girl and I honestly believe most straight girls are 2 drinks way from a girl on girl experience. I know I am.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-15 23:25:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Huzzah for posting again.
And huzzah for, as my grandfather used to call them, "lesbins."
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2006-03-15 22:49:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i liked it
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-03-15 20:23:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and WOW my spelling is crap today.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-03-15 20:23:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very true
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-03-15 20:23:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
aw *blush*
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-03-15 20:16:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-03-15 18:38:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
Dammit Snark,
Now *I* wanna know what you won't tell
*************************
Pssst
He's done it with lesbians. Trust me, I'm a detective
********************************
yeah, ok, I'll be your third, Ceas. Only becuase I appreciate the honest contructive critisicm you leave on my posts
********************************
Crystle, I choose to take this quote completely out of context and accept your proposal to be the third member of the threesome I'm organizing. Only because I think you are dreadfully cute. Now I need a second member...
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-03-15 20:13:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-15 18:56:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
you know how i know you're gay? because you listen to coldplay.
***************************************
Ha ha, PERFECT QUOTE! Observe: http://www.ubersite.com/m/64826
Snark, your thinly veiled intimations aren't fooling anyone. Clearly, you've had a threesome with two girls. Go team! You're a quasi-geeky writing-type Canadian, like me, so I feel I can share in your success. Oh, and that's an interesting and very plausible theory about the rampant bisexuality of women. I think that could be right.
Submitted by FallenZer0 (user info) at 2006-03-15 19:38:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this is so very true..
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-03-15 19:26:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I noticed.....
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-03-15 19:00:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-15 18:56:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
you know how i know you're gay? because you just macrome'd a pair of jean shorts.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-15 18:56:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you know how i know you're gay? because you listen to coldplay.
Submitted by blueboy (user info) at 2006-03-15 18:40:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-03-15 18:38:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dammit Snark,
Now *I* wanna know what you won't tell
yeah, ok, I'll be your third, Ceas. Only becuase I appreciate the honest contructive critisicm you leave on my posts
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-03-15 18:37:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As far as the whole straight girls are easy thing goes... look at it this way:
Our whole society is inundated by blatant worship of the female form. It's pointed at us dumbass men, to get us to buy a certain brand of beer or watch a certain movie.
Granted there's some worship of the male form, but for every half naked male on a billboard, there's three half naked women.
It's primarily pointed at men but women grow up with it too. It inundates their psyches as much as ours which is why I believe that WAY more women are bi-curious than men...
Or maybe that's just what I want to believe... either way, I'm ok with it.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-03-15 18:33:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bro,
There are things about my current situation I could tell you that would make you revile me.
Goddamn it's hard not kissing and telling.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-03-15 18:21:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Lend me your wisdom, lesbians. I call upon thee."
I had to let my lezbi-membership expire or I wasn't allowed to stalk the Ubermenz.
But I think it's 50% curiousity and 50% somethin else....
I'll have to think on that a moment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-03-15 18:11:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-03-15 17:59:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
hey! I was wondering where you were, and I'm not British OR Peon.
Or even a lesbian
*******************************
Oh, so YOU'RE that third person. Awesome!
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-03-15 17:59:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hey! I was wondering where you were, and I'm not British OR Peon.
Or even a lesbian
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-03-15 17:54:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When all else fails, there's still rape.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-03-15 17:53:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No problem, Jugsy.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-15 17:53:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 yay for Ceas!
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-03-15 17:50:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh and thanks for the shout out sweetie
*kisses*
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-03-15 17:48:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"All you have to do is get them drunk and make them laugh and you can do anything you want to them."
The above statement is the driving force in my social life.
And yes, I was thinking of lesbians
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-15 17:42:10 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Suck it, Trebek
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-03-15 17:40:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Feel free, I think I stole that from David Spade.
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2006-03-15 17:40:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
//LESBOS LESBOS LESBOS\\
http://www.ubersite.com/m/84052
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-15 17:38:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
women really ARE two drinks away from a girl-on-girl adventure
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I gotta use that as the title for my next post
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-03-15 17:36:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's the Canadian way! Also the British way. Maybe Australia too, but who knows.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-03-15 17:31:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
you spelt favor with the u? fuck thaut.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-03-15 17:27:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
There. That's better. But I don't know why a couple of those pictures got all pixel-ly.
Clearly I suck at this.
Bah.