Pulling splinters (Best parting shot ever) (1429 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.67 on 38 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Hookhand (View user info) at 2006-03-16 02:56:09 EST
I spent the last month pulling splinters out of my ass that I got sitting around pining for my ex girlfriend.
A month ago she was the woman I was 3 weeks away from proposing to. I had the ring all picked out (I didn't fucking buy it; thank your chosen deity) and I had told her Dad of my plan to propose around the time of her birthday.
A month ago, she decided we were fighting too much and she couldn't see us being happy together in the future. Meaning she couldn't see herself being happy with me.
Were we fighting too much? Of course. We had a very good reason to. This summer she got really drunk and cheated on me.
With a transvestite.
I will microwave a hot pocket while that sinks in.
A guy who got caught wearing his Mommie's undies at age 8. A guy whose girlfriend encourages him to have sex with guys outside their relationship and pretends she is a lesbian when she's with him. A guy no one would fuck sober (well, I guess his wannabe lesbo girlfriend does, but who knows? Maybe she considers downing 5 shots of 151 "foreplay")
I would say what is more fucked up than that is that I forgave her. Or at least I tried. I decided that if she stopped sitting so close to other guys on the couch (something that seemed innocent to me before, especially when I was in the same room) and drinking so much, I could get past it.
I had always assumed I would dump someone if they cheated on me because I always assumed I would want to. I didn't want to, so I decided to let her make it up to me. And for 6 months things were great. Until she graduated a semester early and started getting drunk 4 nights a week. And then she decided to start cuddling on the couch with other guys to provoke me, then got pissed when I was provoked.
How can someone who does that kind of shit dump me? All I ever did was tell her I would follow her wherever she got into vet school, and wherever she got a job. I was utterly devoted to her. All I wanted out of life was to marry her. Don't women say they spend their lives looking for a guy like that? I think the ones who never find one swear that's what they want. The girls who do get a guy like that suddenly realize what they want is a guy who likes to tuck his cock back and "compare boobies."
So we can't be together. My benevolence and selflessness didn't stop there. I was willing to admit all kinds of wrongdoing to keep her as a friend. I talked to her on the phone all the time trying to warm her up to the idea of being friends.
Finally, she got fed up with me calling. She made fun of me for wanting to be friends. That didn't work. Finally, she thought she had the upper hand and would try to finish me off for good.
"I am already looking for a new guy. I should have no problem finding a better guy than you. Good luck finding a girl as good as me. You probably never will."
Can you believe the balls on this cunt? I lost it. I didn't lose my cool, but I lost all my desire to be friends, or ever talk to her again. I have 3 years of improv comedy under my belt and 21 years of being the class clown to boot. I was ready. I laid down the H-bomb of parting shots.
"You set the bar pretty low, you know. All the next girl has to do is not fuck a transvestite."
Can you believe it? She hung up!
User Reviews
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2006-11-07 20:50:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHA
Submitted by Sockster (user info) at 2006-08-30 23:55:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I must say... Amazing.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2006-03-21 09:04:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You should have told her the jerk store called and they were running out of her.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-03-21 08:57:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"demasculating"
What the fuck that isn't even a word, is it?
*emasculating*
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-03-21 08:56:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"You set the bar pretty low, you know. All the next girl has to do is not fuck a transvestite."
This almost makes up for her completely demasculating you.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2006-03-17 15:15:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mrs. Doubtfire did your ex, hahaha!
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-03-17 14:55:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
count your blessings she ain't wit cha anymore!
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-03-17 14:44:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"some women know what they want, it just doesn't always matter.
i'm trying to figure out what instinctive reaction would make a 'straight' girl fuck a guy in a skirt. doesn't instinct dictate that reproduction has the best chance of happening with a guy that doesn't think he has a lot of estrogen?"
some do, sure. there's always a few exceptions to every rule. anyway i'm not going to argue about it with you because i've seen enough of your comments here to know you're not some die-hard feminist, therefore it wouldn't be much fun. you can think of 'instinctive' in the context i used it as also being 'subconscious'.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-16 16:45:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
3 years of improv comedy under my belt
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WOW! Plus 2 for that line right there!
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2006-03-16 16:36:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
In answer to a few of the questions,
No I didn't plan to hold the misdeed over her head for the rest of her life. I do admit that when we were both drunk together I DID bring it up. I have seen a therapist since we broke up (Her idea). The only thing that came out in therapy was that I never blamed her for what happened, I blamed the alcohol, so when she drank, I got upset because I thought she couldn't control herself and I didn't want her to drink anymore. He also said I don't really need therapy but she does.
The fact that the guy was a tranny is not really relevant to her fucking him. They were very good friends and she only found out a few weeks before that that he was a tranny. He isn't public about it. I only bring up that he's a tranny because it makes me giggle that if she had to pick someone to cheat on me with, she ended up in the most embarassing situation for her possible. It's not like she could tell me how bad of a lover I was. "I just spent the night with a REAL man!" Unless she thinks I am less of a man than a tranny...hm... oh well, she never said that.
I was planning to propose to her AFTER that thing with him/her happened. Like I said, I really thought I had forgiven her and we could move on. I wasn't deliberately trying to hold it over her head, I wanted to move on and I thought we could.
Finally, she didn't fuck any other guys while we dated. She told me about the tranny the very next day, sobbing, quite sure we were going to break up and feeling terrible that it was all her fault. If she had fucked other guys, I am sure she would have used that to try and hurt me after we broke up. But a guy in a dress is pretty scarce these days, so she hasn't had much of a chance to find someone else.
Thanks for caring everyone!
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-03-16 12:06:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-03-16 04:33:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahhahahahaha. problem is women don't know what they want, on a conscious level. they go by instinct and feeling and it's pretty common for them to think they want something that they actually find drab and tiresome. example: she only said that to GET you to stop trying to be friends with her; it probably wasn't that true. but she probably didn't realize this at the time, it was just an instinctive reaction.
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some women know what they want, it just doesn't always matter.
i'm trying to figure out what instinctive reaction would make a "straight" girl fuck a guy in a skirt. doesn't instinct dictate that reproduction has the best chance of happening with a guy that doesn't think he has a lot of estrogen?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-03-16 11:53:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Let me get this straight... she cheated on you, and you decided to "forgive" her (translation: you decided to let her stick around so you could hold her misdeed over head for the rest of her life) - and you're surprised and dismayed that she wasn't interested in that?
Also, how bad of a lover are you that your girlfriend felt the need to seek out sex from a deviant?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-03-16 11:43:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i love you. find the gayest man you know, point out your ex to him, and see if she'll do it again.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-16 11:39:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-03-16 11:03:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
ATTENTION ALL WOMEN: The reason that you can never find a nice guy to date is because they all realized that being nice gets them FUCKED IN THE GODDAMN ASS WITH NO LUBE and turned into assholes.
Nice finishing shot, though.
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Not really, I mean there's a distinct difference between a nice guy and a closet arsehole who gets all emo over every percieved slight.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-03-16 11:36:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh snap
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-03-16 11:36:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just out of curiosity, how does one justify cheating with a transvestite?
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-03-16 11:28:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait wait wait... were you planning to propose before or after the transvestite/provoking/shameless disloyalty to annoy you?
Transvestites need lovin too.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-03-16 11:09:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Some bitches have no sense of humor.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-03-16 11:03:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ATTENTION ALL WOMEN: The reason that you can never find a nice guy to date is because they all realized that being nice gets them FUCKED IN THE GODDAMN ASS WITH NO LUBE and turned into assholes.
Nice finishing shot, though.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-16 10:21:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-16 08:43:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
This post has the HighVoltage seal of approval.
Carry on.
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You just approve because you're the transvestite.
Submitted by dove666 (user info) at 2006-03-16 10:06:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good job!
Submitted by angel_2k01 (user info) at 2006-03-16 05:24:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
ahh, this was really sad! i thought i found the nice guy and i was so happy - more so than i have ever been, but he seems to want to fuck me over. its like, the nicer you are, the more they want to exploit it. why cant there be more truely nice guys :(
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There are many....all gay.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-16 08:43:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post has the HighVoltage seal of approval.
Carry on.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-03-16 08:24:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-03-16 08:02:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahahahaha!
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-03-16 07:33:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BURRRRN. Nice one.
Here's the thing though; it doesn't sound to me like you really forgave her. Or maybe you did, but the trust that every relationship needs to survive never came back the way it was before. If you kept looking at her with suspicious eyes (which is understandable), eventually she would get annoyed with you, even though it was her fault you're suspicious.
But all that is moot. Whatever happened in the area of trust, it sounds like she was a crazy hooer and you dodged a bullet, mate.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-16 07:25:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by xanderd (user info) at 2006-03-16 06:54:37 (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
^
^
^
Most pointless comment and rating ever.
Submitted by AlexorGM (user info) at 2006-03-16 07:22:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha.
Submitted by NewestIndustry (user info) at 2006-03-16 06:56:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
She deserved it.
I can also believe she hung up, but I think (I think, anyways) she got the message.
Submitted by xanderd (user info) at 2006-03-16 06:54:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by DizzyMissus (user info) at 2006-03-16 05:56:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Everything happens for a reason. You have just cleared the way for something better (well thats what i keep telling myself anyway). You are right, best parting shot eva!
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-03-16 05:54:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehhe. People - They're fucked up.
If I may? This: "I have 3 years of improv comedy under my belt and 21 years of being the class clown to boot. I was ready. I laid down the H-bomb of parting shots"
It's an unnecessary couple of sentences, takes a lot away from the ending, in my humble unpublished opinion.
Just a thought.
Cool story though. Hope you found someone better.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-16 05:29:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lucky break. In all fairness to her though, she blatently just didn't care for you at all. I mean if you found out about the transvestite just imagine how many other regular guys she must have boned whilst she was with you. It's not something to be mad about though, I mean it's all just fun and games.
Just remember that 'can't turn a ho into a housewife' proverb and you'll save a lot of money and unwanted offspring.
Then again, a ho can turn into a housewife organically. Almost all people are destined for parenthood and will do pretty good with it. Particularly if they can get over the whole shit under the fingernails thing. It's like having the bestest pet in all the world that can potentially fail miserably.
Man, what if your kid got bullied at school? Came home all beat up and crying and shit everyday for a year. Then what if he turned into a goth or a psychopath or something? Not like in a terminal, columbine way but in a 'I just failed to deal with the situation appropriatly' kind of way. How would that make you feel?
Dude, that shit is WACK!
So yeah, lucky escape.
Submitted by angel_2k01 (user info) at 2006-03-16 05:24:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ahh, this was really sad! i thought i found the nice guy and i was so happy - more so than i have ever been, but he seems to want to fuck me over. its like, the nicer you are, the more they want to exploit it. why cant there be more truely nice guys :(
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-03-16 04:35:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Meh.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-03-16 04:33:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hot damn
"How can someone who does that kind of shit dump me? All I ever did was tell her I would follow her wherever she got into vet school, and wherever she got a job. I was utterly devoted to her. All I wanted out of life was to marry her. Don't women say they spend their lives looking for a guy like that? I think the ones who never find one swear that's what they want. The girls who do get a guy like that suddenly realize what they want is a guy who likes to tuck his cock back and 'compare boobies.'"
hahahhahahahaha. problem is women don't know what they want, on a conscious level. they go by instinct and feeling and it's pretty common for them to think they want something that they actually find drab and tiresome. example: she only said that to GET you to stop trying to be friends with her; it probably wasn't that true. but she probably didn't realize this at the time, it was just an instinctive reaction.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-16 03:51:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-16 03:34:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-03-16 03:26:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHA
I saw it coming, but that doesn't make it any less funny.
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Yeah. I'll pray to any god you care to name that this is true. Go, man, go.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-16 03:34:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-03-16 03:26:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHA
I saw it coming, but that doesn't make it any less funny.
By the way, people are pretty fucked up, huh?
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-03-16 03:26:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHA
I saw it coming, but that doesn't make it any less funny.
By the way, people are pretty fucked up, huh?