mother nature is a vandal (448 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.25 on 5 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <evocati.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2006-03-16 07:01:19 EST
when this all goes down, im standing on a bed with my favorite pink feather duster i had recieved as a housewarming gift nearly a year and a half ago dusting the upper corners of a bedroom which doesnt seem to belong to me. most notably it has fairly high vaulted ceilings, and i can look out the window and down on my neighbors-at least i assume they are my neighbors- sitting on a hammock, her apparently blowing him over his tight boxer briefs. perhaps he is wearing them because the wind is blowing mightily, and he doesnt want his obviously shaved balls flapping in the wind. right about this time i hear four loud bangs, which i can only assume are muffled gunshots from the basement. interesting, i dont recall having a basement. nor high vaulted ceilings, nor even a second level to my house so i can look down on my neighbors dry humping in a windstorm.
as i fly down the stairs, two at a time, muttering "fuck...fuck...fuck..FUCK", i pass my dad who looks up from his paper and says nothing. why should he, this isnt even his house. my roof, my rule. i remember belatedly that i have left gene pontecorvo, his wife, and some other faceless, nameless couple down there to hash out whatever marital issues the four of them may have. i do believe it has something to do with one of them fucking the other, the exact details are somewhat hazy. the wind is screaming in the eaves. i should have known better than to leave them alone, i mean come on, gene just whacked a guy in a diner not 2 days ago. who would have thought there would be a gun down there? after all, the only thing i have down there remotely close to that is my paintball gun that i havent used in upwards of six, seven years. stupid, stupid, stupid. as i throw open the door, i scan the room, seeing gene standing with his back to me when i hear another loud BANG.
with the wind yowling outside, a living entity trying to get in, i suddenly realize that i have done the same bone-headed thing i have told hundreds of people NOT to do over the years at my job...if you hear shots fired, dont go running to see what the fuck is going on. keep your damn fool head down and call the people who get paid to run around in the gale-force winds and figure out who-the-fuck is shooting at who-the-fuck-ever-else. right around this time i realize that im dreaming, i mean come on- im not stupid enough to go running into an unknown gun situation unarmed, am i?
i bolt up in bed, the covers falling from my naked torso. yep, sure enough, theres another loud bang. sounds this time not like a gunshot, but like someone slamming my doors, trying to get in. i had heard similar sounds earlier this morning when i was trying to get to sleep after a long graveyard shift, but i was tired enough to slough it off and crash. i jump out of bed, throw on some shorts and my glasses to investigate. turns out some dumbass (okay, tell the truth and shame your mom, it was probably me) didnt shut the front screen door all the way, and for some reason the fucking hurricane style winds tearing through the valley here has torn the pneumatic contraption that holds the door closed right off its goddamn hinges and is banging my heavy, wrought-iron door against the bricks whenever it gusts hard, which about now is every five fucking seconds. i grab the door and close it, but not before lamenting the fact that the screws for said pneumatic contraption have been torn totally out and three of the four are missing. how im gonna get that fixed is beyond me, im no handy man. im good at a lot of things, but lets face it, home improvement is mos def not my forte.
which brings me to my final point. what the hell is the wind blowing like this here for? i live in a valley surrounded by the goddamn rocky mountains, for fucks sake. i hate the wind, malevolent, invisible cocksucker that it is. it ususally doesnt hang around here in zion, so to the wind i say:
"FUCK THE FUCK OFF, YA DAMN VANDAL!"
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-05-17 19:40:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by ser_hag (user info) at 2006-03-16 17:20:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
im a caps/punctuation hater...it could be because for the last 7 years ive worked at a job where the program uses all caps so i dont ever have to worry about it, but i think in reality the root of it all is that im just plain lazy.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-16 15:59:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2006-03-16 14:41:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...but why no caps?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-16 07:06:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice flow.