Painting the Roses Red (967 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.89 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Susie Derkins (View user info) at 2006-03-16 12:20:11 EST
It was nearing 3:00 when I just finished up on a car accident participant. For some ungodly reason the family insisted on an open casket, never mind the guy went headfirst through the windshield. Hooray for seatbelts.
Jim helped me put the guy in his box and wheeled in my next job. I signed off on her and opened up her file and reference photo. Her corpse didn't look much different from the picture: she was pale to begin with, not much damage to the face, none to the hands. She was young, with fairly smooth skin save for a few fine lines on the forehead and around the mouth. Her fingernails were short and freshly manicured. This one took care of herself, it would be an easy job.
I pegged up her photo and studied it. Blue eyes, brown hair, no makeup. She was a pretty girl, nothing spectacular, but pretty enough. I selected my colours and tools and set about my work to make her look alive again. I brushed on the palest base I had and gave her a hint of blush. I selected a fine-tipped brown eyeliner and steadily lined her upper left lid.
"Is that stuff hypoallergenic?"
I ignored the question and continued with the outer edge.
"Most eyeliner makes my eyes itch like crazy."
"You won't have that problem." I replied quietly.
"So it is hypoallergenic."
"No, it won't matter because dead people's eyes don't itch."
There was a long silence before a quiet "Excuse me?"
"Your eyes won't itch because you're dead." I stated as I started on the other eye. There was more silence. I finished with the liner and moved onto mascara.
"Jesus Christ, when did that happen?"
"Day before yesterday."
"Don't listen to him!" piped up a voice in the corner, "I tried telling him earlier that I'm not dead. He paid no attention, just kept slopping that makeup on my face!"
"Mrs. Carmichael," I said evenly, "We discussed this at great length this morning. You are dead, just like all the people down here except me. And despite all your complaining and objections, that's just not going to change."
"And I thought I told you not to put so much rouge on! You're too heavy handed with the lipstick, I look like a common harlot! I don't know what ever possessed you to...."
I walked over and slammed the lid of her casket shut. But the old battleaxe continued on with her whining, muffled as it was. I heaved a sigh, sometimes the dead are worse than the living. I went back to work.
"So, uh...how did it happen?" the young woman asked. I looked at her file and told her she had fallen down the stairs, breaking her neck. At least she hadn't suffered. To my confusion, she started laughing.
"Figures," she giggled, "fucking klutz."
With the mascara done, I moved onto the lips. I studied her photo again, noting that she had definitely helped by not wearing makeup for photos. This way I could tell the natural colour of her lips.
"So," she said, "Is this a spa for the recently deceased?"
"I'm the makeup artist for the funeral home. I get you ready to greet your public for the last time."
"Sort of like a posthumous debutante ball."
I laughed out loud, a rarity. My clients were mostly bitter and weepy about being dead. Woe is me, what will my family do without me, what happens to me now, blah blah blah. This one seemed to take it all in stride. I mentioned this to her as I applied the lip stain.
"Don't get me wrong, I'm not exactly thrilled that I'm dead. But what the hell can I do about it, right? On the bright side, I have a good excuse to not go to work tomorrow morning."
"That's a pretty healthy attitude."
"Healthy? Huh, guess I won't have to worry about that anymore either."
I laughed again. In another rare move, I asked how she would like her hair. Normally I didn't care and I did what I wanted, but I liked her.
"I'll assume that a French twist with a few alluring side tendrils is a little beyond your expertise?" she asked
"No one likes a smartass."
"Everyone likes a smartass. It's far better than being a dumbass. Just leave my hair down. But go easy on the product, looks like you used it all anyway Captain Metro."
"Careful there, you don't want to piss off your stylist. I'll buzz you a mohawk and do your face up like Tammy Fay."
"Do what you want there, tough guy. What do I care anyway, being dead and all? My family will just ...on second thought, the mohawk sounds like fun. Got any Manic Panic?"
I chuckled as I brushed out her hair. Too bad I didn't meet this one while she was still alive, we would have gotten along famously. Jim came in just as I finished her up and helped me lift her into her coffin. I positioned her hands across her chest and gave them a pat.
"I hope this casket is to your discriminating taste, madam. But like you said, what do you care, being dead and all?" Her index, ring and pinky fingers curled slightly in response. "Har har har, witty comeback."
"Why do you insist on talking to these stiffs?" Jim asked "It's not like they talk back. It's creepy."
"Who am I going to talk to, you? These 'stiffs' have more personality than you anyway."
"Whatever, man." snorted Jim as he pushed her coffin out of the room and down the hall.
"Actually, if my understanding of rigor mortis is correct, my body is no longer stiff." Jim sprang back from the cart and against the wall, nearly dumping the casket over. "Besides, we prefer the term 'Oxygen-Impaired' to 'Stiffs'"
User Reviews
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-09-29 09:18:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice alter...
Good story.
POINTS!!
Submitted by AccidentalPerfidy (user info) at 2007-09-13 21:29:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was good and it gave me a chuckle. Conversations with the dead - fascinating topic. Always thought Pratchett had an interesting take on these sorts of things.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-09-13 20:04:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bury me in my docs and save some manic panic for me.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2006-03-20 16:07:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-03-17 13:57:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this just ruled.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2006-03-17 13:38:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll tell you what we do, we're gonna eat your mother and dig a grave.
If you feel guilty you can throw up there.
Great stuff!
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-03-17 13:30:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-17 13:15:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
amusing
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-16 19:38:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-16 15:45:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-16 12:57:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
The filename I inserted was: The dead only say no when it comes to anal
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EWWWWWWWWWWW
My suggestion would be "Red Clover, Red Clover, My Wife Won't Bend Over.jpg"
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I_refuse_to_fuck_your_rotting_corpse_without_putting_makeup_on_it.jpg
Also, good post.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-16 17:02:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-03-16 16:29:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-16 16:25:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck it was supposed to be "The dead CAN'T say no to anal."
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Either one works and gets a laugh from me.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-16 16:25:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck it was supposed to be "The dead CAN'T say no to anal."
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-03-16 16:22:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by pantsarestupid (user info) at 2006-03-16 16:12:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
You should post more.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You're sweet to say that.
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Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-16 15:45:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-16 12:57:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
The filename I inserted was: The dead only say no when it comes to anal
-----------------------
EWWWWWWWWWWW
My suggestion would be "Red Clover, Red Clover, My Wife Won't Bend Over.jpg"
--------------------------
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by pantsarestupid (user info) at 2006-03-16 16:12:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should post more.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2006-03-16 15:58:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-16 15:45:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-16 12:57:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
The filename I inserted was: The dead only say no when it comes to anal
-----------------------
EWWWWWWWWWWW
My suggestion would be "Red Clover, Red Clover, My Wife Won't Bend Over.jpg"
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-03-16 15:30:10 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-03-16 13:38:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmm, Necrophilia...
What? C'mon, can't tell me you've never "cracked open a cold one"?
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Necrophilia is dead.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-03-16 14:09:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really liked this.
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-03-16 13:38:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmm, Necrophilia...
What? C'mon, can't tell me you've never "cracked open a cold one"?
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-03-16 13:28:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll say it again; with your penchant for dialogue you could easily massage this into a play.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2006-03-16 12:57:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Imperfect, but a good concept and decent execution.
Pun fully intended.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-16 12:57:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The filename I inserted was: The dead only say no when it comes to anal
An excellent piece.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-03-16 12:43:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
funny