Children are Evil (753 hits)
Category: HumorRating: -0.1 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <jaydewolfe.at.earthlink.net> (View user info) at 2006-03-16 12:45:43 EST
There is a child that lives in the apartment above mine. At least that is what everyone tells me. Having seen it only once myself, I can neither confirm nor deny that there is an apartment above mine, as I have never managed to see anything beyond the doors. I do know, however, that this thing is evil. The parents of this child, of which I believe there at least fourteen, since they come and go in herds on a regular basis, do absolutely nothing to keep this child in check. In fact I am quite certain that they facilitate its evil by providing it with the necessary means to drive everyone else in the building insane. This child is the only one in the apartment building under the age of seventeen. I believe that it is actually a thousand year old demon, but I cannot confirm that either without a proctologist and some very heavy-duty sleeping pills. I do not recall any moment that this unholy creature has ever slept, nor stopped making noise for this matter. First of all, the noises of tormented animals filter down through the vents all the time. Secondly its parents have installed its own personal drum set, bowling alley and china shop complete with enraged bull. I am completely sure of this. It spends a lot of its time rolling the bowling balls into the china shop to scare the bull and then screaming when everything gets broken.
My roommates and I are not the only ones irritated by its constant noise making, but certainly the most directly affected as we have all been sleeping on the top of my car two parking lots away. This would be less distressing, but there are a lot of seagulls that live in the area and I can't get the doors unlocked to sleep inside the car.
The creature's constant barrage of noise finally convinced me to take it up with its parents one day. I walked up the stairs and knocked politely on the door. It was answered by seven of the fourteen parents, all of which leered at me like a slab of freshly cooked bacon.
"H-h-h-hello.... Um...." I stuttered badly as one of the child's demon guardians leaned out the door to within six inches of my nose and hummed at me in the way that can only mean my impending death. I briefly considered kicking him in the balls and running right there, but I'm not sure that I could outrun the other six and could see at least a few of them were holding sharp kitchen utensils.
"I am your neighbor from downstairs and, there seems to be a lot of noise coming from this apartment." I purposely did not insist that it was the child's fault, as I did not feel it necessary for this group of hell spawn to assume I was being accusatory. I was hoping to complete the meeting with my bowels and limbs intact, although a fairly inexpensive hospital bill might have been acceptable if I could get the child to shut up.
"I was just hoping you might be able to tone things down a little bit." The man leaning out the door grinned at me; about like the clowns from the circus that everyone always wants to either stab or flee from, and invariably tries to do both at once before losing their sanity and foaming at the mouth.
"Kay." He whispered huskily, arching an eyebrow at me. Having no idea whether he was trying to be suggestive or just had a caterpillar stuck to his face I decided to leave. Besides, the amount of liquid happy he had imbibed was pretty evident. My eyes started to burn and I think my blood-alcohol level spiked just being that close.
If they were still loud I could take it up with the apartment management and let them get dragged in for a drunken demon orgy. I babbled a quick "thanks" and booked it back toward the stairs.
Just as I was reaching the stairs I heard a high-pitched giggle behind me. Out of sheer movie style horror flick stupidity, I stopped and turned to investigate the strange noise. And for my trouble I caught a ten-pound cat full in the face. I stumbled backwards, screaming much like someone who has recently been struck in the face by a flying, fully clawed cat. Much to my misfortune I was as close to the stairs as I had previously been led to assume.
I tumbled backwards down the flight of 18 concrete steps, crashing back and forth into the steel railing with a cat desperately clinging to my face to save its own life, all this time accompanied by a malevolent giggling. Finally I reached the bottom and managed to very painfully extract the cat from its position on my face.
From my place on the snowy concrete at the base of the steps I peered back up the stairs. There, at the top, stood the child, its head just blocking out the light behind him, causing that disturbing sort of occlusion, which resulted in a sinister red halo behind its head. It giggled again, flipped me the bird, and skipped back into its apartment. I lay on the ground and bled from my face humming the tune to Mash in my head and hoping the cat would stop tugging on my shoelace.
Maybe next time I'll just shoot myself in the foot and leave it at that.
User Reviews
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-16 20:29:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Make sure that you drink enough so that you die and can never post again!
Submitted by Hexavier (user info) at 2006-03-16 17:23:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry guys. As you have all evidently already realized, that was my first post. I will fix the format on future posts. For those of you that like it I'm glad, for those that don't, tough luck, read something else. I'll try to get drunk more often so I have something more interesting to say. Thanks for reading it all the same.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-16 15:56:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i HOPE THEY SACRIFICE YOUR LIVER TO CTHULHU
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-03-16 14:28:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
format. kinda amusing though.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-03-16 14:16:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-16 14:02:46 (#)
Ranking: -2
Love the way you broke this up with paragraphs.
Submitted by digdug (user info) at 2006-03-16 14:04:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
How in the HELL does this have a positive rating?
First post
Big fucking Block of Text.
Not that good of a story.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-16 14:02:46 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Love the way you broke this up with paragraphs.
Submitted by PrevertEnabler (user info) at 2006-03-16 13:56:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by hactar (user info) at 2006-03-16 13:31:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
format....text....eyes...painful
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-03-16 13:26:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Who doesn't like pussy on their face?
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2006-03-16 13:03:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF I'm not reading that big block of text. Here's a +2 in case it's any good.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-03-16 12:48:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
hahahaha - the part about getting a cat in the face was pretty funny