Attempted Murder! or Nemos Nemesis (1084 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.23 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by retrospect (View user info) at 2006-03-16 15:25:25 EST
Have you ever wanted something so bad, need it so bad, that you would KILL for it? I'm not talking about sex or anything like that, but have you ever wanted to get your way so bad that you would resort to violence? I have...
I lived in a two floor town house with a couple of guys. One of the dudes was my great friend Andy.
While a lot of people think Andy is gay, I do not, since I climbed on the roof and peeked in his window while he made sweet love to a girl. You may call me a peeping tom but when I came home and heard moaning coming from his room, I wanted to be sure it wasn't just he and a girl making sex noises to throw us of his homo scent. Not that there's anything wrong with that...
Our other room mate Joe was a control freak and had OCD. He had a huge salt water fish tank and the deal was, he would pay to set the tank up, and Andy and I would pick out and buy the fish. We had very specific instructions to only have 12 fish in the tank at any one time.
I had just seen Finding Nemo and was dead set on having clown fish. While I was disappointed that the clown fish cost so much money and didn't talk like Nemo, he was a cool fish none the less.
We had 9 fish in the tank and Andy and I were trying to decide what type of fish would take the last three open spots in the tank. We spent days trying to figure it out, maybe not days but at least 20 minutes.
I arrive home on the day that we would pick up our final selection of fish and go to the tank to feed the little guys. I look in and what the fuck? I didn't buy those fish! Joe, the complex simpleton that he is, had gone out and bought some stupid little blue fish!
Three of them! Now there were no spots open in the tank and action had to be taken! We almost even asked Joe to return one of them so we could put in what we felt would be the greatest addition to the tank.
Andy and I sat and pondered what to do. We sat and pondered, pondered and sat.
Within minutes we decided that violence was the answer. He broke the deal. He knew there would be consequences, yet he still rebelled. He was pretty much begging for retaliation.
Could Andy and I do this? Could we get away with....murder?!?!?
How to do it. Poison? We decided on asphyxiation.
We thought we had the stomach for cold blooded murder and so we went ahead with the plan.
Andy got the net and scooped the stupid blue fish out of his oxygen rich water. We giggled nervously as he flopped around in the net struggling to breathe.
"I can't do this dude," Andy stammers.
"Man up you pussy!" I say.
He thrusts the net into my hand and now it was up to me.
The fish was starting to not flop around as much and as I looked into the net, his little fish eye looked up at me. His ugly little fish eye stared deeply into my soul and at once I tossed him back in the tank.
I am not a murderer. He was a living thing and deserved to live.
Of course, due to lack of oxygen for so long, he has brain damage and stays in one corner of the tank all day smashing into the glass. But alive is alive!
User Reviews
Submitted by myexstaintstain (user info) at 2006-05-01 17:20:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-03-31 08:53:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-30 18:24:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
What's ETS on about? I must find out...
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Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-30 18:24:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-03-30 16:31:33 (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm not a fan of making a joke out of this.
I am deadly serious and I don't appreciate you riding my back if your only gonna act like a fucking clown. There is a time for funny, and there is a time when all smiles are wiped away and business becomes serious.
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Oh noes! Business is getting serious! America's going to be attacked...in THREE SECONDS
OMG WTF APOCAYLPSE PH34R ME!
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-30 18:24:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What's ETS on about? I must find out...
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-30 18:24:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-03-30 16:31:33 (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm not a fan of making a joke out of this.
I am deadly serious and I don't appreciate you riding my back if your only gonna act like a fucking clown. There is a time for funny, and there is a time when all smiles are wiped away and business becomes serious.
------
Oh noes! Business is getting serious! America's going to be attacked...in THREE SECONDS
OMG WTF APOCAYLPSE PH34R ME!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-03-30 16:31:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm not a fan of making a joke out of this.
I am deadly serious and I don't appreciate you riding my back if your only gonna act like a fucking clown. There is a time for funny, and there is a time when all smiles are wiped away and business becomes serious.
Submitted by Call911 (user info) at 2006-03-30 15:08:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe it's just been a good few weeks... but the amount of actually funny posts have gone up either tha I'm getting better at telling what is crap or not in the first 3 sentances.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-03-30 14:42:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
While a lot of people think Andy is gay, I do not, since I climbed on the roof and peeked in his window while he made sweet love to a girl.
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This might make you gay, however.
But I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.
I once had a fish tank in college. There was this crazy bipolar girl that was my lab partner in chem. She busted into my room and sprayed mace into the fish tank. Thankfully Bubba and Spot were OK. Bubba liked to rock out to music and watch me changed. Spot ate a lot and never pooped. He eventually exploded.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-30 14:21:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
s'ok
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-03-30 14:09:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehe, brain damaged fish.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-30 14:00:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
What the fuck was this?
I'm not sure why I laughed at it, but I did.
Submitted by jme7551 (user info) at 2006-03-30 13:55:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Rock!
Submitted by stardamage (user info) at 2006-03-16 18:31:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought you were going to get a pirhana or something.
Those fuckers are BAD. ASS. There used to be one in our middle school's science lab. Some kid had to get stitches after he stuck his hand in. Idiot.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-03-16 17:17:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Pansy.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-03-16 16:56:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*you're
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That fish in the picture actually looks quite a bit like her, anyway. Poor critter. If it decides to end it all due to its diminished capacity, tell it to just keep swimming.
Yeah, yeah. Bad joke.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-03-16 16:52:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Dori is awesome. of course, her type of fish is quite expensive i think.
that is the little blue guy in the picture. he sucks, all blurry and everything.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-03-16 16:50:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Of course the only acceptable blue fish in this situation would be... what the fuck was Dori again? Oh well, it seems that you have given this other blue fish the same mental capacity as her, so your halfway there.
Funny story. I'm glad you spared the little fishie.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-03-16 16:45:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
we got a fire shrimp, but all he did was clean all the fish.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-03-16 16:43:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You needed to enlist outside help. Like a moray eel.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-16 15:52:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-16 15:51:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
1.5
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-03-16 15:40:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
yes, ttom, yes it is!
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-03-16 15:31:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Clown fish are protandrous hermaphrodites and travel in groups consisting of one large female and a number of smaller males. If the female dies, the largest male changes sex into a chick.
Isn't nature beutiful and disgusting?