Why Male Cheerleader?! Why?! (49255 hits)
Category: SportsRating: 1.8 on 83 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Mike00295 (View user info) at 2006-03-17 08:37:59 EST
Maybe it's because it's NCAA Tournament season.
Most of the year, I can push the enigma that is you to the back of my mind with the other unsettling mysteries that have no answer, like "what makes Chick-Fil-A taste so good?", or "why did my ex-girlfriend leave me for that guy with a job?"
But during this month, you are omnipresent. Pointing at the cameras and yelling at me when the station bumps to commercial breaks, creeping me out with your genuine enthusiasm and tight-fitting monochromatic cheer-suit.
I just don't understand you, Male Cheerleader. What motivates you? Why are you doing this? Tell me! Whatever the reason, it can not be worth the cost.
Stop clapping! Stop it! Dismantle that Queeramid immediately! Stop hollering at me through your Meg-Gay-phone. Don't berate me and tell me that I "can be louder than that". Maybe I don't want to be any louder than that. Or maybe I'm just too disgusted with your poor life decisions to be any louder than that.
And the worst part is, you're strong! Way stronger than me. Many of you guys are the size of horses. You're all ripped up, but for what? Put a fucking helmet on, you weirdo, and get on the offensive line.
Is it for the girls? You can not possibly crave female interaction this badly. How desperate are you to cop a feel of an inner thigh? Aren't you aware of any other methods of trying to pick up girls? More accepted and respectable means, like accosting them after ingesting far too much alcohol, or good old-fashioned kidnapping?
Your remarkable flexibility repulses me.
And your father. Your poor father. Imagine what you're doing to him!That man has to go to work somewhere every day. He has to hear about Tom's kid who plays hockey at Bowling Green and Rick's son who's going to be an electrician. Even Larry's son who's in jail for running a bingo charity scam garners more respect around the mill than you do.
"Hey dad! I've got some really exciting news! You know how you were worried about me adjusting well to college life? Remember how you said that you thought that I lacked the social skills and personality to meet new people and attract women? Well would you like some salt with that crow? Because guess who just joined a pretty prestigious campus organization that ensures his exposure to hot chicks on a daily basis? No, Mr. Wisenhimer, I'm not manning the rape hotline. I joined an athletic squad! You know, a sport!"
"No, not the flag football team. That's for wimps. No, not intramural basketball. That's not my game. Okay, this is getting us nowhere. I'm just going to tell you..."
"I'm a Cheerleader dad! A Male Cheerleader! We did it!"
"Let's call Uncle Dan and Uncle Jim and tell them!"
"Wait, where are you going? Oh. To the bar. Of course! This is a time for celebration! I'll come with you!"
"Wait, dad, your passenger door is locked. I can't get in the car. Why are you pulling away!? Okay, cool! I'll just follow you in my Tracker then!"
"Well, here we are at your favorite bar. Boy, you were driving fast; I almost lost you there a few times. You should really be more careful dad, I could have gotten into an accident and injured my cheering arms. How could I have rallied our various sports teams on to victory then?"
"Hey all my dad's bar friends! Me and my dad are here! I'm his son, the Male Cheerleader! You guys should totally come and watch me cheer some time! My coach Nancy, says I'm a natural-born tumbler and that my handsprings are second to none! And this is my dad! Yay!"
I'd imagine it went something like that.
There's still time buddy. Just do us all a favor and stop right now. And if you absolutely have to express your weird-ass school spirit, at least be a mascot. That way, you can still get your twisted kicks while at the same time offering your family the benefit of your anonymity. Everybody wins.
And knock it off with the sparkle hands. That's just fucking creepy.
User Reviews
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-03-21 06:33:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You get a plus one because I'm (hopefully) temporarily mentally challenged:
WHY do your cheerleaders have casts on their legs?
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-03-21 06:32:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Who do your cheerleaders have casts on their legs?
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-02-22 20:57:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
perfect. great job on this one. also +2 for "what makes chik-fil-a taste so good?" I've been wondering that for years. YEARS.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-02-22 19:15:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-02-13 20:59:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by compEngineer0 (user info) at 2006-08-09 08:42:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why indeed...
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-05-24 11:12:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
niiiiiice!
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-25 18:11:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm jealous of your hits/post ratio.
SO STOP BEING SO FUNNY!!
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-04-21 10:15:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Belated +2
Submitted by ThatsGodToYouBitches (user info) at 2006-04-09 15:20:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EntityErased (user info) at 2006-04-07 04:27:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And another for this...
"...my handsprings are second to none! And this is my dad! Yay!"
Submitted by EntityErased (user info) at 2006-04-07 04:17:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"why did my ex-girlfriend leave me for that guy with a job?"
+2. Now to read the rest.
Submitted by fattyakajackie (user info) at 2006-04-07 04:03:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
why, oh why, do you have to have a picture of one of the kentucky wildcats male cheerleaders holding up Ashley Judd... granted... male cheerleaders are asenine... but couldnt you have picked a different team?!?
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-03-30 09:37:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmmmmm.... flexibility.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2006-03-30 09:27:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A top notch Uber post!
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-03-29 16:14:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I got asked to be a male cheerleader. I went back and forth on it for awhile. On one I'd get to touch cheerleaders. On the other hand, I 'd have to tell Dad I was a cheerleader. I just couldn't do that to him.
Thanks to alcohol I still got to touch the cheerleaders.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-03-27 07:47:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?StoryID=2256&SectionID=2&LayoutType=1
Mike Polk?
Submitted by TonyMontana (user info) at 2006-03-24 00:02:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this was really funny. this is like the first thing i've ever seen on bored at work in such a long time that was actually funny.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-03-23 13:46:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
great question.
Submitted by rose322 (user info) at 2006-03-23 07:28:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Don't forget... Dubya was a Cheerleader.
http://www.thenextleft.com/blogatory/archives/images/BushCheerleader.jpg
Explains a lot, eh?
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-03-22 12:33:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-03-22 10:54:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mike...Email me. I have a question for you.
pentameter.at.gmail.com
Submitted by Diesel_FTW (user info) at 2006-03-21 15:08:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the tracker!
Too funny!
Submitted by fartsalot (user info) at 2006-03-21 09:19:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Right on and very witty, even though probably written (and expertly so) by a limp-wristed little boy who never did anything anywhere except to be funny via ridicule. It is good stuff, and even professional comedians need joke writers like this.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-03-21 08:33:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Freshman year in college I was waiting in a really long food line at one of the popular cafaterias. It was only popular the first few days until all the freshman realized that the slop is the same in all the dining halls. Anyway I was doing handstand pushups, because I am a meat head and my new freshman friends didn't think I could. Some hot girl comes up and starts asking if I was a gymnast, starts chatting me up anmd asks for my number. That night she called me and invited me to a party...a cheerleading party, ance there I didn't get to touch any cheerleader pee holes but they did make me think I was going to, so much so that I went to a cheerleading practice.
Women are evil.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-03-20 13:36:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-20 13:28:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That is two Mike posts on B@W if I am not mistaken.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-03-20 12:20:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2006-03-20 09:38:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Is that ashley judd? Is that Kentucky? Did they lose?
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-03-20 04:09:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Painful times
Submitted by FistSoup (user info) at 2006-03-20 04:01:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by erosion_rules (user info) at 2006-03-19 11:28:29 (#)
Ranking: 0
I saw a group of Down Syndrome cheerleaders recently.
GIMME AN R! GIMME AN X! GIMME A Q! WHAT'S THAT SPELL? YAYYYY!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*snicker*
Submitted by zajebisty (user info) at 2006-03-19 18:14:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
-And the worst part is, you're strong! Way stronger than me. Many of you guys are the size of horses. You're all ripped up, but for what? Put a fucking helmet on, you weirdo, and get on the offensive line.-
I once saw a (male?) cheerleader lift a girl up over his head with one hand, start military-pressing her overhead, then lifted up his shirt with the other to reveal a superman logo... I couldn't help but wonder, how are you paying for college? do you get scholarships for cheerleading? GO TITLE IX !!!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-19 11:43:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by erosion_rules (user info) at 2006-03-19 11:28:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I saw a group of Down Syndrome cheerleaders recently.
GIMME AN R! GIMME AN X! GIMME A Q! WHAT'S THAT SPELL? YAYYYY!
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-03-19 11:19:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hhahah
Submitted by Hyperfuzion (user info) at 2006-03-19 11:08:30 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I think you're an idiot with nothing better to do with your time than rant about things with no bearing on life. I mean, you probably live with your parents and/or are single, so what do you have to talk shit about? get a life
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-03-19 09:08:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mike309847309 on B@W, what is Uber coming to?
Submitted by Walker (user info) at 2006-03-19 08:33:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow! The monologue part was just killing me!
Congrats on B@W!
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-03-18 22:45:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was sad that it ended so abruptly.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-18 21:47:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W!
Yay!
Horray!
Now, ready?
1..2..lick my shoe!
3..4..be my whore!
5..6..you likes dicks!
7..8..but i swear I'm straight!
9..10..do it again!
WHOO!
*clap* *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap*
C'mon people, show your spirit!
Like the almost dead drunk freshman wearing the wig!
YAY WIG WEARING FRESHMAN!
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-03-18 14:15:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-03-18 13:22:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-03-18 12:37:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto GEO TRACKER +2. What the fuck is an Isuzu Tracker? For some ungodly reason, it just makes sense that a male cheerleader would drive one of those. But why?
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-03-17 17:00:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"No, Mr. Wisenhimer, I'm not manning the rape hotline."
bahahaha
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-03-17 16:48:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-17 16:44:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2, but out of football season...
Uh...
*cough*iwasamalecheerleaderforbasketballseason*cough*
What?
It kept me in great shape (yes, in HS I was actually in shape) and I got to just about finger my girlfriend (and yes, in HS I had a cheerleader girlfriend) every time out for 20 games.
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For what team? Butterball state?
Dream on fat man.
(just kidding J. If you took my weight and your weight and combined them, divide by two you get two normal sized guys instead of one fatty and one child of skeletor)
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-03-17 16:47:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is one of the best posts in the history of the Ubersite.
That is all.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-17 16:44:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2, but out of football season...
Uh...
*cough*iwasamalecheerleaderforbasketballseason*cough*
What?
It kept me in great shape (yes, in HS I was actually in shape) and I got to just about finger my girlfriend (and yes, in HS I had a cheerleader girlfriend) every time out for 20 games.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-03-17 16:36:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And I'll add that I'd like to bang her with my spirit fingers!
Submitted by ScotchTape (user info) at 2006-03-17 16:30:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
School spirit scares me...
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-03-17 13:43:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-03-17 13:38:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for good old fashioned kidnapping
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-17 13:33:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just don't understand you, Male Cheerleader. What motivates you? Why are you doing this?
-------
Dude, name ANY other job where you get to hoist hot cheerleaders up in the air by the taint.
Yeah, yeah I thought so.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2006-03-17 13:21:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha. Hilarious.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-03-17 11:09:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I'm gonna use my first label for this.
For the user rather than the post, your name doesn't exactly stand out, but I'll find you now.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-03-17 11:00:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the monologue
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-03-17 10:45:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That one lucky dude that he gets to have cheerleader poonanie on his shoulder all day. Too bad he's probably ghey.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-03-17 10:29:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The guy in the picture looks like he's trying to slide his hand into the chick's crotch as carefully and unnoticably as he can.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2006-03-17 10:19:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rurumon (user info) at 2006-03-17 10:07:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
good call on the isuzu tracker
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-03-17 10:18:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ATTN: GHEY MENZ
Submitted by rurumon (user info) at 2006-03-17 10:07:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good call on the isuzu tracker.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-03-17 09:53:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahaha
The worst kind of male cheerleader is a red-headed one. For some reason I find them to be extra obnoxious.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-03-17 09:51:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
IMM A CHERL3AEDR DAD!111!!1! OMG LOL A MAEL CHERLAAEDR!1!1 OMG WTF LOL WE DID IT1!11 WTF
LETS CAL UNCLA DAN AND UNCLA JIM AND TEL THEM111!! OMG LOL
WATE WHAR3 R U GONG?!!?!?!! WTF O1!11! OMG WTF 2 DA BAR1111111 WTF OF COURSE!111!11 OMG WTF LOL THIS IS A TIEM FOR CELEBRATION1!!! WTF LOL IL COM3 WIT U1!11! OMG LOL
WATE DAD UR PASENG3R DOR IS LOKED!1!1 WTF LOL I CANT GET IN TEH CAR!!1!!!!! WTF LOL Y R U PULNG AWAY?!!!!1!!!???!! OKAY COL!11111! WTF LOL IL JUST FOLOW U IN MAH TRAKAR THEN!11!111 OMG LOL
W3L HERE W3 R AT UR FAVORIET BAR111!!!!1 LOL BOY U WARE DRIVNG FAST I ALMOST LOST U THEYRE A FAW TIEMS!1!1111 OMG U SHUD RILLY B MORA CAERFUL DAD I CUD HAEV GOTEN IN2 AN ACIEDNT AND INJURAD MAH CHERNG ARMS11!11!1! OMG WTF HOW CUD I HAEV RALEID OUR VARIOUS SPORTS TEMS ON 2 VIC2RY THAN??!!!?!? OMG
HEY AL MAH DADS BAR FREINDS!111!! OMG WTF ME AND MAH DAD R HERE!11!1!11 OMG IMM HIS SON DA MAEL CHERLEAEDR!1!!11!! OMG LOL U GUYS SHUD 2TALY COME AND WATCH M3 CHER SOM3 TIEM!!!11!! MAH COACH NANCY SAYS IMM A NATURAL-BORN TUMBLER AND TAHT MAH HANDSPRNGS R S3COND 2 NONE11!1!!!1 LOL AND THIS IS MAH DAD!11! YAY1!!1! WTF
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-17 09:51:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
...But these dorks' see more Grade A cheerleader snatch in one game than you'll see in your entire virgin encrusted life.
THAT'S why.
Submitted by dove666 (user info) at 2006-03-17 09:38:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's obvious why, Thats the closest to a gash he will get.
Great job.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-17 09:34:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A mystery that shall haunt humanity till the end of time.
Or at least till the end of March madness.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-17 09:33:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hell, I'D do it to see some taint.
WOOOO BRADLEY IN THE NCAA TONIGHT...HOPE THEY KICK KANSAS' ASS
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-03-17 09:11:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your remarkable flexibility repulses me.
----------
I heard that TigerLilly can put her leg behind her head...oh, wait.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-03-17 09:09:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry Tobes, I'm just biased...being a KY fan...the best College basketball organization of all time
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-03-17 09:05:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-03-17 09:03:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BAH ha ha ha ha!!
"Queeramid." This post is fucking awesome.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2006-03-17 08:59:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-03-17 08:56:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
almost the same except I've got LSU beating out Duke, I think the Dukeys got exposed in their tournament
-----------------
Exposed? The won the dog-gone thing, they got their swagger back after that tourney.
And how the hell can I get to the uberbracket thing?
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-03-17 08:59:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and on the cheerleader thing, sometimes you got to do what you got to do, to get the guy... I mean girl...
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-17 08:59:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Fairly funny
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-03-17 08:58:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you can see each other's brackets now...
My 'cuse blew it but I'm still happy with how the first day went...
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2006-03-17 08:57:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That picture is a pretty damn good reason to become a male cheerleader. If you ask me.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-03-17 08:56:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
almost the same except I've got LSU beating out Duke, I think the Dukeys got exposed in their tournament
Submitted by mtgn37 (user info) at 2006-03-17 08:53:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-03-17 08:50:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I have Duke, UConn, BC, and UCLA.
So far so good.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-03-17 08:49:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
it sucks that we can't see each other's brackets
got BC going to the final 4
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-03-17 08:47:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry badass, I can't quite hear you from up here in 1st place.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-03-17 08:46:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahaha
9-9 on the first day fucker
all my final four still in
all my elite 8 still in
14 of my 16 still in
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-03-17 08:44:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahaha
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-03-17 08:40:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Here 1st - http://www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?StoryID=2256&SectionID=2&LayoutType=1]
Happy St. Pat's.