FUPA: Things Done (813 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 0.83 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by katy (View user info) at 2006-03-17 10:48:32 EST
you told me i was beautiful,
as i lay on the floor beneath
you. feeling lost and hated now
waiting for redemption to seethe
to the surface in your eyes. how...
i sat at your fake pedestal,
again, looking for reflection
of some hope i'd see through the lie
and restore your false perfection.
lost in the haze of love, i'd try
to see the truth in pitiful
glimpses of a past and a sin
my heart did not deserve at all.
you looked into me, a woman
blinded by you, watching the fall.
i waited for you to fulfill
the part of my soul alone in
that darkness sometimes left, remorse.
taken hands away i hasten
to grasp at last your unseen force
upon my heart. still dutiful
to the last, i stood and let fate
seal itself. i walked away by
your order. waiting for a hate
to steal the love that will not die.
User Reviews
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-05 13:48:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-03-22 18:47:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
1.5
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-03-22 18:47:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this more than your opponents'. So...
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-03-20 13:26:20 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
didn't like it
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-20 08:14:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 - like the form, but the wording was kind of dry
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-19 18:44:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Not keen on the rhythm of this. But an ok effort.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-19 18:30:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I didn't appreciate this so much the first time I read it, but when I removed the breaks and just read it formlessly, I liked it better. Your breaks were interesting, but the attempt to rhyme seems to have made it more labored. Good content, though. You're good with words.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-03-18 16:37:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Good job keeping the rhyme and meter, but the content is a little cliched and it could use some imagery. I think this would actually be better if you didn't worry about rhyming and instead concentrated on creating clear images. I say this because you ended a few lines with weak words, and where you break the line is important. For instance you ended one line on "how", which tells me nothing. Another line you ended on "beneath" which tells me that is important.
Not trying to act like I know everything. My major requires me to study this shit so I can't read it any other way.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-03-18 16:30:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-03-18 13:07:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Take a +2 just to go against ETS.
-Dave
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-03-18 01:11:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Look at all these stupid fucking kiss asses swathing your fucking cunt.
I bet you feel special, doncha.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-03-18 01:03:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
damn your rhymes.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-17 19:16:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
smoochy smoochy
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2006-03-17 19:08:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Originally I was gonna rate this as a 1, it was good, but not fantastic. but upon inspection, I'll give you a 2, this was good. i can't really think to say anything beyond that, sorry, i like to give comments and feedback. Happy St. Patty's Day everyone.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-03-17 16:00:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Here's you a zero.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-17 13:17:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
kiss kiss
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-03-17 12:10:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-17 11:26:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-03-17 11:19:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
its sort of vague.
interesting line breaks though
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-17 11:07:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-17 11:06:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
1.5
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-03-17 11:03:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
good.