She's Gets Knocked Up, And I Get To Kick Back... (1086 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.74 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by S R (View user info) at 2006-03-17 10:49:05 EST
At my staff Christmas party last December; I got news that I never knew would change my job so much.
Quick recap: I work in a High School, I have two jobs here: 1. I am the full-time substitute teacher. 2. When I am not in the classroom pretending I know something about Biology, Calculus or Spanish I am at my desk as an administrator coordinating alumni events.
I have two jobs I have two bosses.
1. The Headmaster, he assigns my substitution schedule I walk in and first thing in the morning I go to his office and he tells me if a teacher is missing. That is the extent of our relationship.
2. My real boss, THE boss, She is in her early thirty's and is a go-getter and just took over the Business office and runs everything in the school that does not have anything to do with the classroom. She's as exciting as my Great Aunt was at her own funeral. She's all business all the time, probably because she just got promoted. She's the one I deal with on a daily basis, she's the one that gives me work, she's the one that I try and avoid each and everyday.
So back the Xmas party.
Boss 1: the head of the Business office has an announcement for everyone.
Boss 2: I'm pregnant.
S R: Dear lord, no. (only the three people in my vicinity heard that)
See I don't mind THE boss that much but she is known for her moods swings and asking me to perform tasks that don't make any sense. I'm pretty much the youngest in the business office so I just attempt my triple handsprings on the go when they are demanded for. She kept me busy enough from September to December last year.
So my first thought was the next 6 months are going to be hell. Little did I know how pregnancies work.
Two Months ago...
S R: So have you seen THE boss around?
Co-worker: No, she's gone home for the day, She wasn't feeling well.
S R: Hmmmmm (checks watch, 3pm, grabs bag, shuts off the computer, drives off)
----
A month ago...
Co-Worker: oh here comes THE boss.
S R: (minimize, minimize, minimize, open, tappity-tap-tap on the computer)
THE Boss: Hey guys, I wanted to ask... Oooooo.... Ooooo... The baby's kicking! The baby's kicking! I have to sit down...I have to sit down... come feel, come feel
S R: (in head) why is she saying everything twice? If she thinks I'm going to go over there and feel her belly....
My co-worker who I share my office with, has two children of her own. Actually two daughters, very nice daughters, very do-able daughters, I mean there's nothing like sisterly love, right? I love it when they come to visit their mother, I think one of them has a thing for me, Cause I'd like to put my thing in... sorry off track. My- co-worker complies and goes feels her belly. Now they are both looking over at me.
THE Boss: C'mon S R, Come feel
S R: (how do you say no?) Uh.....OK
AWKWARD AWKWARD AWKWARD AWKWARD AWKWARD
S R: uhh.. that was ....Cool (I pull away hand)
THE boss: but the baby hasn't kicked yet
S R: I felt something
THE boss: Oooo there it goes again, I gotta go and call Jeremy.
*NOTE: all I could think at that moment was poor poor Jeremy.
-dodged
-------
3 weeks ago...
I'm walking down the hallway, I see THE boss, She sees me she always stops me and asks for updates, reports, pretty much she's doing her job as my boss but I hate it, mostly because I'm lazy and haven't really done anything in awhile and my answers are usually the same, I think she's catching on.
THE boss: S R! So did you finish those surveys?
S R: Well I should have them for you soon, I've had a lot of substitution (lie) lately but I'll get them to you by *cough, cough* Next...
*NOTE: I just ate a bag of peanut M&M's, some shell particles were caught in my throat...
THE boss: Are you sick?
S R: No.....uh..... (brain starts working) ...yeah I just have a little cough and the sniffles.
THE boss: Well I better stay clear of you.
-escaped
-------
So at this point, I'm getting the hang of having a pregnant boss. She hasn't asked me to do anything in almost 6 weeks. All you have to do is distract her with a question about the baby like:
-Have you thought of any names?
-So uh, when's maternity leave start?
-When's the due date?
-Did you hear about that baby left alone at the day-care?
-Everything is healthy and going well?
-What's a battle?
-How many babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One question goes a long way...
------
A week ago...
THE boss: Hi S R, I really need those...
SR: Cough, cough, Hi, cough, cough
-averted
-------
Today...
Co-worker: THE boss just called, she's not coming in.
S R: Is she all right?
Co-worker: yeah, you know how pregnancies are.
S R: no I don't
Co-worker: Well with her out I'm taking a long lunch with my daughters
S R: can I come?
-anticipation
User Reviews
Submitted by DrRobertHand (user info) at 2006-03-20 17:44:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
excellente
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-03-19 10:01:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"A week ago...
THE boss: Hi S R, I really need those...
SR: Cough, cough, Hi, cough, cough
-averted"
heh
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-19 07:48:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very funny stuff.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-19 01:32:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Is Munkey making a comeback or something?
She's a reviewing FIEND!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-03-19 01:16:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-03-18 13:03:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was in serious meh territory until...
Co-worker: THE boss just called, she's not coming in.
S R: Is she all right?
Co-worker: yeah, you know how pregnancies are.
S R: no I don't
Co-worker: Well with her out I'm taking a long lunch with my daughters
S R: can I come?
--------------
GOLD.
-Dave
Submitted by XII (user info) at 2006-03-17 23:35:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
can i come????
gold
Submitted by mockidol (user info) at 2006-03-17 19:10:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i like boobs
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2006-03-17 17:42:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-03-17 10:56:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
HA HA
yeah one of my co workers was pregnant recently and i braced myself for mood swings
and you know what? she was so chill the whole time. my friends who have been pregnant say your body just will not allow you to stress during pregnancy.
---------
I call bullhonkery on that one. I've known enough pregnant women in my lifetime to say that the only people who stress more than fucking pregnant women are women who are about to get married. They may *think* they'r emellow and chill, but they're actually freakish balls of horomones that should be locked in a closet until they spit out their alien parasite.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-17 16:42:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2006-03-17 16:30:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this post really kicks ehmm...
I like babies,
cooked, not raw!!
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-03-17 15:00:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Birth is a beutiful and disgusting miracle.
Submitted by Sheba (user info) at 2006-03-17 14:27:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
S R: (minimize, minimize, minimize, open, tappity-tap-tap on the computer)
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-03-17 14:16:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My favourite is when they're on maternity leave. They get bored, decide to visit and bring their screaming little shit factories into the office to show them off. Sounds real professional when I'm trying to discuss legal documents over the phone.
"Um...do you guys have babies in there?"
"Yes. Apparently we're also a daycare facility on the side."
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2006-03-17 14:14:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
har har knocked up
Submitted by Mandamus (user info) at 2006-03-17 14:05:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't let your guard down. The mood swings are coming. Beware.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-03-17 13:53:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2006-03-17 13:27:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
So the moral of the story is: to get out of working, get your female boss pregnant.
-------------
this would be a much different story if I got her pregnant
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-03-17 13:34:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-17 13:27:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
All you have to do is distract her with a question about the baby
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sean, keep doing that - it's an easy way to suck up, and she'll stay off your ass.
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2006-03-17 13:27:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So the moral of the story is: to get out of working, get your female boss pregnant.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-03-17 13:02:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha
Submitted by mtgn37 (user info) at 2006-03-17 12:38:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
everytime i hear baby... i think abortion.
its like one of those word association games i play with my therapist
Submitted by JackalFett (user info) at 2006-03-17 12:09:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
a good read
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-03-17 12:05:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't do the touch my belly to feel the thing kick bit, a well timed terrified sounding scream goes a long way towards nipping that in the bud.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-03-17 11:16:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
are the daughters at least 16?
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-03-17 11:10:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-03-17 11:04:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehe. I dislike pregnant women.
So many of them act like they're the only person in the world who ever had their little bundle kick the crap out of their insides.
Newsflash you bloated, fat-ankled freaks: No one cares if you have been shitting multi-coloured liquid and craving anchovies garnished with raw tobacco.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-17 10:58:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The next part better be the INTERESTING part- where you get to do a daughter.
Even an 8 year old one. Anything.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-03-17 10:56:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HA HA
yeah one of my co workers was pregnant recently and i braced myself for mood swings
and you know what? she was so chill the whole time. my friends who have been pregnant say your body just will not allow you to stress during pregnancy.