cabbies, and yuppies, and 'nadoes, OH MY!!! - or - my visit to Hell. (1010 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: nonfiction
Rating: 1.26 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by scourgeoftheseas (View user info) at 2006-03-17 15:12:56 EST
I spent the last weekend in the Chicago metro area. You've all seen the pictures and some of you participated in the little fiasco that followed.
Take a little time here to throw your various insults about the appearance / parental origins/ sexual orientation / eating habits / financial standing / whateverthefuckelseyoucanpossiblythinkoftoinsult of the people who were there.
There. Got it out of your system? Good.
CHICAGO UBERCON QUIZ:
---------
Q: How many women can you call either a cunt or a whore before one of them becomes offended and retaliates?
A: Apparently all of them.
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Q: Do Arab cab drivers get offended when you say the only man you'll go gay for is an Arab because of their tight brown sphincters?
A: Does immediately doubling your speed through busy metropolitan streets count as being offended? Then yes, yes they do.
---
Q: Did I know the man was of Arab descent when I said it?
A: No. No I did not.
After all the fun and games I still had to work.
I was working there doing some educational work for my industry. I spent the majority of it in the suburbs.
I hate the Chicago area suburbs.
Everything smells like dryer sheets and flowers. Everything is beige. Everybody drives a giant American truck or a German automobile. All the women I talked to looked like Planet of the Apes people because of their super tight facelifts. Their noses pointed straight up and there eyes were permanently half shut.
I was scared.
In one neighborhood I was in the people had two garages. One for their SUVs and a second for their fucking airplanes. There were runways between the streets in place of alleys or yards or....
Why does a whole neighborhood of people need multiple runways? Why does the average person need an airplane? This bothered me more than it should have maybe.
I like people who cuss and fuck and drink and smoke and fight.
These people don't do these things.
They make a baby or two, in the dark, fully clothed, slip the old cock out and through the convenient slit in the neck to ankle flannel nightgown. After they've done their duty to God they seal their vaginas shut forever. I think that's how they do it.
As for fighting, well that means you whisper about how poor their taste in clothes is to the others in your tea group.
It filled my mind with dread.
That Sunday I drove home, even though I had to return the next day, to visit my lovely wife.
On the way the wind was nasty as were some of the clouds. My car was shoved across the road a few times by wind.
Very exciting feeling, that.
What I drove through was the front of the storm that fucked up my town pretty well in a few hours.
Three fronts passed over us.
The first wave hit at about 8:30. I missed driving into the brunt of this one by about an hour.
The second part came around at 1:00 and the third violent bit happened at about 2:30
My house is a big old prairie church, built before the Civil War. It has weathered its share of tornadoes. There is a huge old tree in the front yard that was planted at the twenty year anniversary of the church. It takes three men to circle it with their arms.
I like to watch a storm. I sit on my porch swing with a mug of tea and watch it all go by.
When the hundred and some year old tree started to bend at one of its thickest points I decided to go inside.
I think God was trying to punish me for cavorting amongst the soulless. Good thing I don't believe in him, because e if that was the case, God lost. I got out of it unscathed.
Have some storm pictures. They aren't mine.
User Reviews
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-05-18 12:57:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-10-31 22:33:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I've had it up to here with your shennanigans, I'm going through and +1ing ALL of your posts!
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-27 14:41:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I LOVE MYSELF!!
SIGNED,
SCOURGEY
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-27 13:47:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-10-27 13:39:58 (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/95020#2202073
banning attempt
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2006-04-28 19:01:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like people who cuss and fuck and drink and smoke and fight.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-26 08:52:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Arrrrrrr
Submitted by lickityspeed (user info) at 2006-04-26 08:39:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-20 08:49:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my...the ELEPHANT got hit? My favourite pink elephant in Springfield!
Damn.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-20 04:57:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i understand that you hate me? i'm sorry.
love,
wardy.
Submitted by gangstagroove (user info) at 2006-03-19 19:30:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like people who cuss and fuck and drink and smoke and fight...
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2006-03-18 10:04:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Girlwithaclue (user info) at 2006-03-17 22:45:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That is some crazy shit!!
Dude I would have been in the basement!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-17 21:00:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What a fucking moron. Tell me how downstate takes metro funding and I'll tell you how you're wrong. I've sat in budget meetings with Rauschenberger, Trotter, Sims, Mapes, Nuding and Schnorff. You have a head up your ass. Your own.
Fucking fool.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-17 20:04:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't tell me about politics and state funding bitch. You're stepping into my arena there and you'll lose. God damn idiot. You don't know shit.
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2006-03-17 17:01:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Well your first mistake was going to the suburbs insted of the actual city...no face lifts or personal aircraft here.
I actually don't really care about that...you get a -1 for being from springfield. You downstaters always screw us up here in the city when it comes to little things like "politics" and "state funding"
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-17 16:55:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2006-03-17 16:46:18 (#)
Ranking: 1
I like the comments on the poor/black people coming from the guy who inhabits a church....
Amen.
---
???
I'm not sure I understand. I was being a sarcastic asshole with that. I was disgusted that the news had coverage of our shopping district for three days before they mentioned the fact that the poorest neighborhoods had been hit the hardest. Those neighborhoods are predominantly black.
I think you understood me, I'm just a little slow right now. If we're on the same page, please disregard this message altogether.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-17 16:46:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I've only gone through two tornados in Kansas, but I was safely protected. I never went outside or anything and it was when I was young. The oldest I was had to have been 12 or so.
Just kind of scary I guess.
You can tell that was an add on muffler because it is a quad. That car would not have quad muffler tips on it.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2006-03-17 16:46:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I like the comments on the poor/black people coming from the guy who inhabits a church....
Amen.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-17 16:26:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
HV- my house was built as a prairie church. In the 1850s.
Those people feared nature more than you might imagine and took every precaution to keep it from ruining their shit.
My outer walls are 8" x 2ish" framing. The floors are 16" x 2ish" joists. The central beam rests on the foundation on the ends and three brick pillars in between that are all 4' x 4' squares. The beam itself is a two foot square solid piece of oak lumber stretching the length of the house.
That all can be basically translated to 'rock fucking solid.'
When I said this house has weathered tornadoes before, I was not joking. It has stood through over 150 years of violent MidWestern storms and has taken at least three direct hits that we have documentation on.
The foundation is straight as an arrow. The walls are solid as hell. Inch and a half of plaster over those 8xs. The rooflines are as straight as the day the thing was built.
My house is built like a fucking tank. Short of a direct bomb hit it would be hard to take it out.
The muffler is another story. Probably had soem aftermarket shit put on, being that it is the white trash dream and all. You can bend muffler pipe over your knee if you apply yourself.
Plus, have you ever experienced a tornado or a MidWestern storm for that matter? I have gone through a few and they are not a joke by any means. Those fuckers are strong. That two inches of tailpipe sticking out is more than enough of a handle for a tornado to grab hold of. Trust me.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-17 16:10:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I understand the wind was strong scourge, but think about it like this.
The muffler system is arguably buffered by the upper mass of the car, with the only substantial piece of it protruding out being the muffler itself. The muffler is an aerodynamic shape, wind would blow around it. On top of that it is small, subtracting from its already limited wind resistance.
I just can't fathom wind strong enough to rip it sideways like that. I mean if it was already broken then yeah that would make sense, but fuck dude. I just can't believe wind could be that strong.
Must have been one hell of a storm.
Hows your house? It didn't look very wind safe from the picture.
Submitted by DizzyMissus (user info) at 2006-03-17 16:06:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Thank god we don't have those kind of storms in good old blighty.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-17 15:56:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks loki, my wrath is impressive when unleashed. Impressive indeed...
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-03-17 15:52:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i love you too. bickering and name calling is fun!
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-03-17 15:50:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like what you've done with the city.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-17 15:44:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-03-17 15:36:42 (#)
Ranking: 0
i dont want to fight. i was kidding. your high intelect must keep you from having a sense of humor.
---
I'm just fucking around man. For all I know, you're the smartest guy in the world. It doesn't matter either way. If you're happy with where you're at then good for you. I'm happy with myself, what anyone else says about me is worth jackshit.
You take shit well around here, so there are no hard feelings on my part man.
Tear away at me and I'll tear away at you, it's all in good fun.
Don't go getting grumpy on me baby model man.
===
badass-- I tend to agree. If the ratings were removed this place would get interesting really quickly.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-17 15:40:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-17 15:31:12 (#)
Ranking: 1
What the fuck?
The car...How did the wind blow the muffler sideways like that?
That would take stronger winds than you had arguably....
===
They called one of them an F2, another they tried to call an F3, but it's still unofficial as far as I know.
This shit was intense. I've been through a few before, but this one had me a little nervous. Hail was as big as grapes and golfballs in places. Plus it was sheeting down rain intermittently.
We still have entire neighborhoods without power.
Our St. Pats day parade has been cancelled and everyone has been encouraged to go help out instead. No drinking Guinness on the sidewalk for me this year.
I've helped a little, plan to do some more tomorrow before I have to go back up to Chicago again for the next few days.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-03-17 15:36:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i dont want to fight. i was kidding. your high intelect must keep you from having a sense of humor.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-03-17 15:35:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the pictures though.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-17 15:35:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-03-17 15:33:27 (#)
Ranking: 0
the wal mart is broken? where will you get your clothes?
---
I'll continue to get my suits from my tailor. He orders my shirts and ties for me. Where will you get your casual wear to continue working in your cubicle? Abercrombie and Fitch?
Grow up fag. I'm not fighting with you on this post.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-03-17 15:33:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
the wal mart is broken? where will you get your clothes?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-17 15:33:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I know katy. The hands one just stopped me. I'm not a religious person or anything, just the image of this symbol of grace and love next to the destruction...just stopped mne for a minute.
I drove by the one of the tree actually. That thing was huge, eighty - ninety feet long if it was an inch. Amazing. When I found that someone had photographed it I had to include it here.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-03-17 15:31:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
no that's just it man...how much more fun would uber be if you didn't have to rate
nice pics, i'm out dude...time to hit the Guinness...and the old lady
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-03-17 15:31:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
it's probably a conspiracy, maybe ETS can enlighten us.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-17 15:31:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
What the fuck?
The car...How did the wind blow the muffler sideways like that?
That would take stronger winds than you had arguably....
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-17 15:30:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
bah to ratings. The only place where I care about ratings is on contests.
I have to remember to make myself rate anymore. I've passed out a healthy share of zeroes lately just from a lack of paying attention.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-03-17 15:28:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the tree and the hands were damn awesome.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-03-17 15:26:20 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
now I don't want you to take this personally, tough guy
you seem cool enough and once you realize ratings don't matter you be even cooler
so take this -2 and realize its not about you
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-17 15:25:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks 'Lish.
badass- No you weren't there. You're such a little liar.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-17 15:22:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I
LIKE
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-17 15:19:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"There are so many of you that I would invite to play in the middle of this."
I'm glad your family and your house are OK.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-03-17 15:16:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I must have just missed you as I slipped out of your wife's place on sunday...what time did you get there?
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-03-17 15:15:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WOW.