An Exercise in Noir (intro) (437 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 0.2 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by jack aholic <theshadypeach2000.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2006-03-18 01:34:24 EST
Just a little exercise I did for fun, playing with descriptions and adjectives. Still can't get my language right for the narrator, and it does seem cliche.
An Exercise in Noir (intro)
I pull back the slide of my Ruger. It makes a very satisfying slap as the slide glides back and the gun re-chambers. The noise streams into my head and echoes around my bleeding skull like applause from a crowd.
My handgun is clapping for me. It's calling for an encore performance.
A smile slithers across my face and I oblige.
I prop my arm over the desk and throw out pop gun parabellum rounds at the sneering suits in front of me. I play the trigger like I'm playing the grand piano, and let the muzzle flashes dazzle my eyes. Stars glisten and dance in the spurts of blood that decorate the walls. Brass casings spin in the air and blanket the floor. I've been walking through fire and liquid metal since as long as i can remember.
The black suit across the room is firing from his hip on full auto, trying to hose me down with his subbie. He's just spraying and praying and I'm doing the same. It's almost a religious experience. You can hear him set the tempo of the moment, and my heartbeat's beating along to the sliding of the bolt.
I duck behind a desk and the plaster wall behind me shreds like confetti, adding some decoration to this celebration.
Stay low, stay low, let's see where this goes.
I round the corner and find his face between the metal slits on the top of my gun. His body slumps over like a rag doll.
Andante, child, andante.
The other thug makes a mad dash for cover, trying not to get fragged. I catch him in the corner of my eye and trace his steps with bulletholes. He actually makes it behind a tipped over desk, but I continue to empty rounds.
An intermission. My slide glides back and locks back into place, stopping the music.
I reload.
Now it's all in slow motion. I see the last casing spinning in the air as I drop the mag and shove in the new one.
Release the slide. Pull the slide. Fire. Rinse. Repeat.
I empty a dozen more rounds through the desk, carving a swarm of holepunches through the hickory. He makes the bad choice of sticking his neck out too far, and gets a bullet in his cranium. His head slams the ground hard like a melon. He's on the floor and bleeding and I put a few more holes in him because you know, there's no such thing as overkill.
By now, the grin on my ugly mug has almost swallowed my face, and my fingers are ready to play a symphony. Another bang bang bang, and the notes suddenly stop.
The Silence surprises me. It hits me hard in the gut and shuts me up. It shuts everyone in the room up. It's more of a shock than the first gunshot that tore the room apart and told the orchestra to play.
I watch the white ghosts made of dust and gunpowder dance in the air. I listen to the brass casings settling on the ground, jingling like bells.
The performance has ended.
I take a final bow to the chunks of brain on the walls and leave the room.
User Reviews
Submitted by theshadypeach (user info) at 2006-03-20 21:36:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
totally legit.
that felt hella contrived when i read it again. well, it's too late to change anything.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-20 17:56:44 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Release the slide. Pull the slide. Fire. Rinse. Repeat.
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ohhhhhh i get it, 'lather rinse repeat'...how witty, or in this case, how not.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-19 07:59:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-03-18 14:32:55 (#)
Ranking: 0
This is a solid "meh". The trouble is that all of your similies, metaphors, and adjectives took away from the overall story (as thin as it was).
Good noir has powerful descriptions where needed. You just put descriptions everywhere, even for the mundane. Sometimes simplicity is the best way to go, since it allows the story to speed along.
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Yeah, pretty much what he said. It wasn't terrible or anything, though, if I were you I'd keep trying.
Submitted by theshadypeach (user info) at 2006-03-19 01:02:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That's solid advice. I have a lot of extraneous prose that just clogs down the scene.
But it wasn't supposed to be fleshed out, this is just the prelude to the story, if i ever decide to finish it.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-03-18 14:32:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This is a solid "meh". The trouble is that all of your similies, metaphors, and adjectives took away from the overall story (as thin as it was).
Good noir has powerful descriptions where needed. You just put descriptions everywhere, even for the mundane. Sometimes simplicity is the best way to go, since it allows the story to speed along.
Submitted by theshadypeach (user info) at 2006-03-18 13:55:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I would you could edit submissions.
Yeah I can see your point.
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2006-03-18 09:43:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Your descriptions were good, but the action sentences didn't really accomplish their purpose.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-03-18 01:41:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
sin city-ish.