Condoms can kill dogs, and I should know (1189 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.66 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by cascade (View user info) at 2006-03-20 01:12:14 EST
In the summer of 1989, I was newly 18 and the only thing I wanted to do was have hot summer afternoon sex with my boyfriend, Jay. The thrill of fucking in my bedroom in the full light of day while my parents were at work was intoxicating. Especially given the fact that even at 18, no "boys" were allowed in my room. Occasionally we'd fuck in the pool, but my affinity for doggy style kept us in the bedroom most afternoons- saving the pool for a post-sex dip. Plus, I always found the way cum drifts around in the water like some strange jellyfish a bit disconcerting.
Like responsible young adults, we took certain precautions. Not only did we use condoms, but Jay would wrap the used condoms in Kleenex and dispose of them at a gas station on his way home. Yeah. Condoms. Plural.
The only evidence of our afternoon trysts, aside from a few slight tremors in my thighs, was tossed away like soiled murder-committing clothes.
The only other creature in the house on these afternoons was a six month old boxer puppy named Chelsea. Normally she'd be napping but occasionally she'd wander in my room while I was straddling Jay's face, my hands splayed against the wall and back arched just so... but I hadn't yet learned to ignore the intent gaze of a dog watching me as I tried to get off. In fact, I don't know if that's something I wish to master at all. So we'd pause, throw a ball around for her until she'd resume her nap and we'd resume knocking boots.
One afternoon, we took a longer than usual swim. I was toweling off when Jay came up to me. He looked pale.
"What is it? Is my mom home?"
"No. Did you do anything with the condoms?"
"No. Ew! Why?"
"They're gone. I wrapped them up and put them in my shoe and they aren't there."
"Gone?"
We looked around. We saw some Kleenex on the carpet. And sitting just beyond the Kleenex was little Chelsea- looking up at us with her sweet brown eyes. And a shred of Kleenex stuck in her jowl.
"NO!.... oh holy FUCK!!" I dropped in front of her and firmly opened her mouth- as if I'd just be able to reach right in and fetch the jimmies myself. But they were gone. Long gone. She licked my mouth and the taste was unsettlingly familiar.
Jay was already on the phone with a vet.
"Yeah, she ate some....balloons? Yeah. Balloons. Uh-huh. Get her to vomit? They could get twisted up inside her intestines and kill her? Emergency surgery?"
I felt faint. Jay got off the phone and explained the situation. I have added my personal take on each case
A) Worst case: Parents find out I'm having sex in the house. Dog dies due to condoms wrapping around her intestines.
B) Best case: Parents remain clueless. Get dog to vomit right away, dispose of condoms properly.
C) Actual situation: Wait for dog to void the condoms (a day). Follow dog around religiously and inspect shit for intact or partial condoms. Pray that mom doesn't elect to do "poop detail" herself. Parents remain clueless.
I found the first condom in a little pile just before lunch the next day. Later, I came across the prettiest shit I'd ever seen. The condom was wrapped gently around the turd, like a little latex shawl. Not as cool as when we used to feed the dog crayons to see multicolored speckled shit- but glorious all the same.
Dog was alive, parents none-the wiser to my afternoon friskiness and I still had about 2 hours before they came home to try out reverse cowgirl.
User Reviews
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-04-02 20:47:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-04-02 20:30:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-03-24 11:30:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Whore.
Submitted by horror_show (user info) at 2006-03-22 19:50:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-03-21 00:32:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-03-20 16:57:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Far out.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-20 16:04:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well done.
I'm going to link n00bs to this post as example of how good a first post should be.
Submitted by angryrob (user info) at 2006-03-20 13:14:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha.. nice..
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-03-20 10:22:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This wasn't too bad. Welcome to Uber.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-03-20 09:58:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
heh
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-20 09:41:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am thoroughly perturbed. Well done.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-20 09:23:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Welcome to Uber.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-03-20 09:09:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome to Uber.
Mind the gap.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-03-20 07:37:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-20 04:16:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
avals, if you're veteran, what does that make me? i'm not trying to be condescending, i'm just curious... i mean, can i be like "super veteran" or something like that? because that'd be fucking sweet.
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I think that makes you, like, a pensioner or something. Tough luck dude.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-03-20 07:29:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Slut.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-20 07:19:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
adderall. good shit. keeps me up all night, so i troll uber like it's my job.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-20 07:07:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-20 02:27:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
oh no... scourge doesn't like me anymore... i'm sorry scourge if i offended you ever, i assure you it wasn't personal and i was just hopped up on uppers...
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Wardy,
I don't like you and I never will.
scourge
It was just a joke monkey boy. What kind of uppers?
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-03-20 07:00:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nah, I just forgot the accounts existed for a couple of years.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-20 06:46:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha, you got banned... sucker. well i guess i have your second account beat?
dammit, god says i still suck.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-03-20 06:36:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
heheh this aint my first account.
I aint sure about my first, but my second was 3969 so...
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-03-20 06:34:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bugger me, a 1st post that gets it right. Not that I can talk, mine was a train wreck!
Welcome.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-20 06:10:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i got you by about four hundred users, woody.
sucker.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-03-20 05:25:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As an even veteraner uberer (I think, I can't be bothered to check) I would also like to say welcome and show us your tits.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-20 04:16:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
avals, if you're veteran, what does that make me? i'm not trying to be condescending, i'm just curious... i mean, can i be like "super veteran" or something like that? because that'd be fucking sweet.
not as sweet as the time i walked into the break room at an officemax and found this big huge cake that nobody seemed to want to eat. well i couldn't just let that cake go to waste, so i ate it. unfortunately for me, they didn't seem to have any forks, so i think i made a bit of a mess. oh well, it was tasty. and sweet.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-03-20 03:56:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Got a laugh out of me. That alone is worth a +2.
Also, as a veteran Uberer I am obligated to say this: SHOW US YOUR BOOBIES!
Submitted by Lite (user info) at 2006-03-20 02:38:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Guess who.......
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-20 02:27:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh no... scourge doesn't like me anymore... i'm sorry scourge if i offended you ever, i assure you it wasn't personal and i was just hopped up on uppers...
Submitted by cascade (user info) at 2006-03-20 02:09:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
thanks for the welcomes, the warnings and the generosity... I can't claim this to be the the best I gots- but I had to start somewhere...
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-03-20 02:04:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You don't want to be here. First, it's just one post. Then you start reading other peoples stuff. They amuse you. You stick around only to find that you're surrounded by sluts and degenerates. You vow to stay away from uber. But you can't do it. What if Orgasmatron made another dirty poem? What if Spooner has more Awkward Hand Turkey Theatre? You have a sudden urge to read ""If I cum now, will it be too soon" or why guys are quiet in bed" again. IT FUCKING PULLS YOU BACK! You're stuck. And you spend the rest of your work days clicking every post and trying to think up another good post yourself. Then you inevitably click on a post that links to tubgirl or goatse or whatever, and it's not labelled NSFW, so your bosses see it and fire you. UBER WILL DESTROY YOUR LIFE! Leave now while you still can!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-20 01:48:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
wardy is a horses ass. Trust me on that one.
This is barely a +1. But, unlike most of the noobs lately, you've managed to string together more than four words and still have a cohesive whole, so I'll give it a solid A+ +1
Welcome to Uber. It's a fickle fucking cold hearted bitch, don't get addicted.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-20 01:32:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Later, I came across the prettiest shit I'd ever seen.
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I was suddenly aroused after reading this sentence. Goddammit.
Either way, let me be the first to give you a +2 and welcome you to Uber. It's tight, if you can sift through the bullshit. Also, go give all my posts +2's... it's the rule.