Real Men Don’t Shave Their Legs Because They Fear For Their Safety (7563 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: short_stories
Rating: 1.33 on 63 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Axolotl (View user info) at 2006-03-20 09:57:48 EST
Going to an all-boys school, I have been witness to some bizarre things.
I have seen teachers curse openly at students, and the students curse back. I have seen large black men whip others with their penises in the locker room. In the case that some girls might come to the school for a school play or something, there is always one wise guy who feels it necessary to show them his penis and/or testes.
Probably worst of all, a young man on the back of the bus pulled off his shorts. Intrigued, I averted my eyes but tried to see what he was doing. To my horror, he stretched out his scrotum and poured in an ENTIRE bottle of Poland Spring water into it. I seriously could not guess how much liquid that wrinkly skin-sack could contain. He then announced "Look, a fountain!" and then proceeded to spray us all with his fetid, sweaty scrotum-water. I was ready for it, and ducked out of its path.
These kind of things have given me some dubious life lessons. The one in question today is as such:
Confucius says: Man who does not shave his legs the whole way shall be kicked in the painful spot.
Friends, that rule holds true.
Meet my friend Mike. Mike runs track. Run, Mike, run. Mike is not his real name. Mike has two friends. Let's call them Rob and Matt. Those aren't real names either.
One day at track practice, Matt was holding a conversation with himself in the bathroom while making use of the facilities, so we stretched without him. Mike was stretching out his legs...
I noticed that there was something wrong with his legs...
Something VERY wrong with his legs.
One leg was entirely shaven, bald as a baby's arse, bald as Kojak, bald as Homer Simpson, bald as Paris Hilton's no-no zone, bald as - you get the picture. The other leg had hair on the left half, the right half was also shaven.
This intrigued me. What reason could a young man of sixteen have for shaving one leg, and only half of the other? What reason could ANY man want to shave ANY part of his leg?
Does it make one gay to shave your legs? I had never thought of Mike as being of a poofter nature, but now it might be wise to guard my anus like Fort Knox, perhaps with one of those devices that when you get raped, bite the offender's penis. There's nothing wrong with trying to keep my anal column tightly sealed, as well, but the peener-biter sounds just dandy.
Me: Hey, Mike, I noticed that your legs...are (shaven? They're not really shaven.)...
Mike: Seriously, I did this for a good reason.
Ah, he has a good reason! I can relax my anus.....ahhhh...
Mike: You see, it's part of the contest me, Rob and Matt are having.
I knew what he meant immediately. Is it normal that whenever I hear the word "contest" I think of Seinfeld? I knew...oh yes, I knew...
Mike: Me, Rob and Dave all gave up masturbation for Lent, and we're having a contest to see who can go the longest.
Me: I didn't know people did that in real life. I thought it was just on TV.
Mike: Five days and counting, baby! Not a sperm wasted!
Oh, the things people do for honor. I see Rob and Matt looking at one another with a glance that says that they've been about five hours and counting.
Me: You're going to do that for forty days?
Mike: Yeah. You'd better be a hundred feet clear when I blow. You'd just better keep back on Easter morning, when lent ends.
Me: A hundred feet? That's the pornolympics right there. So how does that explain why you have a leg-and-a-half shaved?
Mike bared his pathetic legs. Will get girls, ever, with those poorly-shorn excuses for legs. My legs, on the other hand, are manly. I don't need to shave. I eat nails, and piss razor blades.
Mike: Well, I really, really wanted to...do it...last night. So instead, I shaved my legs. To distract me, you know.
Me: ...You shaved one leg, and half of the other.
Mike: Well, my dad walked in. He thought that I was jacking off. It was awkward.
Me: I can imagine. It looks pretty bad.
Mike: What do you mean?
Me: It's bad in the way that a retarded third grader named Electro whose greatest love in life is eating chockomut ice creams would have known that it looks incredibly idiotic to shave one leg and only half the other.
Mike: ...you're a bit of a dick.
At this point, Matt breaks in. Matt is the kind of guy who would show you his penis with little to no reason or hesitation. We all know several Matts.
Matt: Hell, son, you're actually going forty days? I haven't gone about forty minutes! Shit, you is dumb.
Mike was heartbroken. I could see tears welling up in his innocent, pure blue eyes. Matt jiggled his testicles around laughing like he had just seen someone fall into an open sewer.
Mike: What? I thought we were all...
Matt: Ha, you serious? You shaved your legs for nothing, you tool.
At this Matt called out, "Look at this guy's legs!" This brought everyone around to look at Mike's legs, and provide their intelligent comments, mostly along the lines of "lol ur so ghey lol nice legs lol."
Mike does not take mockery lightly. Mike devises plans for revenge.
As we prepared to board the bus, Mike moved like a ghost, like he was in Vietnam. He got a whole bunch of rocks, his little rock buddies, and snuck behind the lines to dump the rocks in Matt's backpack.
Matt was making fun of Mike, saying something like he was "a leg-shaving non-masturbating fairy", while Mike loaded up Matt's gym bag with roughly thirty pounds of rocks. He began getting big rocks and sticking them in into the gym bag. Matt was distracted by his victorious tales of shitting and pissing and playing with his penis, but we all looked at the vengeful Mike pouring rocks into the gym bag with the vindictiveness of a Mafiosi.
As we boarded the bus, Mike watched in glee as Matt grabbed his bag. He pulled hard, but couldn't lift the bag. A look of shock spread over his face; he was not STRONG anymore? His muscles had shriveled?
Matt: What the FUCK?
Unable to lift the rock-laden bag, Matt opened up the bag and discovered a large layer of rocks amassed within on top of the clothes and personal objects. As the rest of us laughed and pointed out Mike as the one who did it, Matt brought something out of his bag.
Oh no.
Matt: You've scratched my mothafuckin iPod. I'm going to skin you alive.
We all remember our bus fights. Anyone who's traveled on a school bus has many entertaining memories of people jumping over seats screaming "I'm gonna kill you! I'm gonna kill you!" while embroiling the entire bus into a knock-down drag-out deathmatch. The battle would rage until the driver realized that he gets paid less for every kid that's maimed, and says, "Hey, kids. Settle down, will ya?"
We were not disappointed.
It came down to an epic clash. With nothing but a bottle of Gatorade as a weapon, Mike defended himself against a wrathful Matt. Scratching an iPod was the greatest sin one could commit, in Matt's eyes. If Mike had killed his mother, ran over his dog, and then told his sister that she couldn't play guitar, it wouldn't have warranted as bad a punishment as an iPod-scratch.
Mike swung the Gatorade bottle and hit Matt's knuckles. That was the last straw.
Grabbing an umbrella from a bystander, Matt swung it upward in a single arcing motion, skimming across the floor with the speed of a freight train and connecting with Mike's testicles.
Every guy shivered a little bit on the inside. When you see someone take a hit like that...that's just awful. It ruins your day. Not only was it a hard umbrella-strike, it was precise. Mike's testicles, already probably swollen from lack of toucha-toucha-toucha-touching, would now be swelling to the size of a grapefruit.
He fell to the ground clutching his groin; hey, it was the first time he had clutched his groin in five days! Matt looked down at the prostrate Mike (speaking of prostates, his testicles had probably been jammed up somewhere near his prostates by the force of the umbrella) and said one final statement:
Matt: Bitch put a rock in my bag, you're going down.
Mike just rolled his eyes back in his head. It was either a gesture of defiance against Matt, or a gesture of saying that his balls were up to five inches in diameter and rising, and lodged somewhere in his abdomen.
We were sorry for Mike, but bitch scratch a mothafucka's iPod, bitch going down.
He should have just left his legs alone.
User Reviews
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-07-15 00:09:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Coulda made B@W if I put more work into it...
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-22 18:43:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-03-22 17:38:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-21 05:40:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
At this point, Matt breaks in. Matt is the kind of guy who would show you his penis with little to no reason or hesitation. We all know several Matts.
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Nope just you. Freak.
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Yeah, just you.
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I can't find that user called Ballchick Handjob...was she old?
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-03-22 17:38:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-21 05:40:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
At this point, Matt breaks in. Matt is the kind of guy who would show you his penis with little to no reason or hesitation. We all know several Matts.
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Nope just you. Freak.
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Yeah, just you.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-21 12:44:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ha ha no appendix
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-21 10:24:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-03-21 10:17:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-20 12:39:31 (#)
Ranking: 0
I've attempted putting the razor to other areas, though...not too fun.
_________________________
Use an electric razor.
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It was a few months ago, I'm not intrested in that anymore.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-03-21 10:17:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-20 12:39:31 (#)
Ranking: 0
I've attempted putting the razor to other areas, though...not too fun.
_________________________
Use an electric razor.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-21 09:58:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
weep
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-21 09:37:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-21 08:11:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-21 05:40:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
At this point, Matt breaks in. Matt is the kind of guy who would show you his penis with little to no reason or hesitation. We all know several Matts.
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Nope just you. Freak.
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You silly prudish Englishmen.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-21 05:40:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
At this point, Matt breaks in. Matt is the kind of guy who would show you his penis with little to no reason or hesitation. We all know several Matts.
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Nope just you. Freak.
Submitted by Kale (user info) at 2006-03-20 22:52:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hooch4 (user info) at 2006-03-20 22:30:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it.
iPods are way gayer than shaved legs though.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-20 16:29:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-20 15:27:15 (#)
Ranking: 1
An all fag school? Ewwwww.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/85571
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You're just jealous, Shlongy. You'd be very accepted there.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-20 16:28:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-20 15:03:46 (#)
Ranking: 0
shoulda made this a 26-PART series...
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Like the Exodus Chronicles?
ATP will be done soon. I'm just lazy.
Submitted by hactar (user info) at 2006-03-20 16:09:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
family guy reference
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-20 15:27:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
An all fag school? Ewwwww.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/85571
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-03-20 15:22:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What a crock.
I've been shaving my legs for years and I'm not....
Oh wait... nevermind.
Carry on
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2006-03-20 15:19:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
How old are you? Bus fights stopped in junior high for me, and iPods are relatively new...
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-20 15:03:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
shoulda made this a 26-PART series...
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-20 13:57:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-03-20 13:26:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
I imagine that guy in the pic is like a young Shlongy.
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The Shlongy Dance...
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-03-20 13:26:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I imagine that guy in the pic is like a young Shlongy.
Submitted by r0fl (user info) at 2006-03-20 13:23:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-20 12:47:48 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by r0fl (user info) at 2006-03-20 12:45:10 (#)
Ranking: 0
I was just thinking about this post in class and remembered a couple of kids who used to trim the leg hair. Wonder where that lies on the gay-spectrum.
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The gay thing was just rambling relief. College or high school class?
High school, dude.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-20 13:17:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-03-20 13:13:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks. You've illsutrated why, in an all-male society, I'd have no choice but to go on a killing spree.
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All males can be inconvenient at times...
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-03-20 13:13:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks. You've illsutrated why, in an all-male society, I'd have no choice but to go on a killing spree.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-20 13:11:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Banana banana banana terracotta banana terracotta terracotta pie
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-20 12:47:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by r0fl (user info) at 2006-03-20 12:45:10 (#)
Ranking: 0
I was just thinking about this post in class and remembered a couple of kids who used to trim the leg hair. Wonder where that lies on the gay-spectrum.
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The gay thing was just rambling relief. College or high school class?
Submitted by r0fl (user info) at 2006-03-20 12:45:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I was just thinking about this post in class and remembered a couple of kids who used to trim the leg hair. Wonder where that lies on the gay-spectrum.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-20 12:39:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-03-20 12:37:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
I think leg shaving is something that every guy tries at one point.
Don't you look at me like that.
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I've never tried to shave my legs. I've had a fine mane of black hair ever since I was six.
I've attempted putting the razor to other areas, though...not too fun.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-03-20 12:37:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think leg shaving is something that every guy tries at one point.
Don't you look at me like that.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-20 12:26:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-03-20 12:22:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-03-20 10:15:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
ATTENTION: MALES OF THE SPECIES WHO CHOOSE TO FOLLOW AN ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE
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That reminds me of the re 16 y/olds translated into very proper English...
http://www.ubersite.com/m/80209#1720155
and also http://www.ubersite.com/m/80209#1720150
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-03-20 12:22:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-03-20 10:15:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
ATTENTION: MALES OF THE SPECIES WHO CHOOSE TO FOLLOW AN ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-20 12:17:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I love da bears.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-20 11:33:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-20 11:29:15 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-03-20 10:11:38 (#)
Ranking: 1
attention ghe..
--------
ATTN: ATTN: ATTN: ATTN:
GHEY MENZ
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-20 11:29:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-03-20 10:11:38 (#)
Ranking: 1
attention ghe..
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-20 11:27:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-20 11:25:07 (#)
Ranking: 1
iPods are overrated. My $75 128MB generic MP3 player works just as well, and was a hell of a lot cheaper.
What the heck did that video have to do with the story?
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They are a bit, but we tend to be very protective of our iPods.
Nothing much. I saw some kind of small connection because it somewhat looks as though he is being injured.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-20 11:25:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
iPods are overrated. My $75 128MB generic MP3 player works just as well, and was a hell of a lot cheaper.
What the heck did that video have to do with the story?
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-20 11:00:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-03-20 10:15:32 (#)
Ranking: 0
Not your best work, but it wasn't terrible.
---
I needed a break from writing stories.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-20 10:47:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by r0fl (user info) at 2006-03-20 10:27:04 (#)
Ranking: 1
Would have been a +2 if there wasn't a chockomut ice creams reference.
I really thought I wouldn't hear that today.
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Chockomut ice creams!
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-20 10:47:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-20 10:43:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
Damnit. I've been replying to that FUPA post for so long I just assume that I should submit something with a '0' rating.
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It's cool. Ratings don't bother me.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-03-20 10:44:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-20 10:43:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damnit. I've been replying to that FUPA post for so long I just assume that I should submit something with a '0' rating.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-20 10:43:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
A guy w/ his balls hanging out?
Don't think so.
I did live on the same floor as a guy like that in college, though.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-20 10:30:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-20 10:30:15 (#)
Ranking: 1
At this point, Matt breaks in. Matt is the kind of guy who would show you his penis with little to no reason or hesitation. We all know several Matts.
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Sometimes they go by "Joe" and they walk around wearing thongs w/ their bean bags sticking out from either side like twin bubblegum bubbles.
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I'm almost certain you posted a poem to that nature...
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-20 10:30:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
At this point, Matt breaks in. Matt is the kind of guy who would show you his penis with little to no reason or hesitation. We all know several Matts.
---
Sometimes they go by "Joe" and they walk around wearing thongs w/ their bean bags sticking out from either side like twin bubblegum bubbles.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-20 10:27:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-03-20 10:24:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
My cousin is a male in his twenties who shaves his legs.
he's a professional bicycle rider.
Is that gay?
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Does he live in California?
Well, just tell him to shave them the whole way.
Submitted by r0fl (user info) at 2006-03-20 10:27:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Would have been a +2 if there wasn't a chockomut ice creams reference.
I really thought I wouldn't hear that today.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-20 10:25:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-03-20 10:10:26 (#)
Ranking: 0
little too long for me. i'll excuse the fact that you where confused as to whether shaving legs makes you gay.(unless that was just some comic relief) you are 16 after all. loving the same sex as yourself makes you gay, and thats it.
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Just comic relief, and rambling. I have a lot of gays in my family, including some cousins in California who entered same-sex marriages. No homophobia, just rambling.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-03-20 10:24:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-03-20 10:24:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My cousin is a male in his twenties who shaves his legs.
he's a professional bicycle rider.
Is that gay?
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-03-20 10:23:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nah, fuck that rape shit.
It's old news.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-20 10:22:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-03-20 10:14:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
aaaand another for good measure.
I never thought I'd say this, but..
Needs LESS testicles.
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Less testicles, but far more rape.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-20 10:21:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-03-20 10:11:37 (#)
Ranking: 1
what bothers me is the fact that 15/16 year old kids are on this site while they are developing a good chunk of their adult personality, and being exposed to and influenced by the people of uber.
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Don't let it bother you. We're influenced by so many things, a bunch of people making rape jokes and laughing at ms paint peeners won't trouble us.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-03-20 10:15:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Not your best work, but it wasn't terrible.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-20 10:15:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-03-20 10:04:58 (#)
Ranking: -2
+2 for the post
-4 for this :- Me: It's bad in the way that a retarded third grader named Electro whose greatest love in life is eating chockomut ice creams would have known that it looks incredibly idiotic to shave one leg and only half the other.
Try and go 1 post without a Übersite reference... And when I say 1 post, I mean 1 post that I will actually read.
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aw...I came so close to getting +2 from Sphagnum. I thought the Electro reference could be interpreted in many ways.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-03-20 10:15:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ATTENTION: MALES OF THE SPECIES WHO CHOOSE TO FOLLOW AN ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-03-20 10:14:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
aaaand another for good measure.
I never thought I'd say this, but..
Needs LESS testicles.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-03-20 10:14:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
-0.5 on 3?
Fuck people, it's not that bad.
BRING UP THE RATINGS
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-03-20 10:11:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
attention ghe..
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-03-20 10:11:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
what bothers me is the fact that 15/16 year old kids are on this site while they are developing a good chunk of their adult personality, and being exposed to and influenced by the people of uber.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-03-20 10:10:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
little too long for me. i'll excuse the fact that you where confused as to whether shaving legs makes you gay.(unless that was just some comic relief) you are 16 after all. loving the same sex as yourself makes you gay, and thats it.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-03-20 10:08:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i chuckled.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-03-20 10:04:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
+2 for the post
-4 for this :- Me: It's bad in the way that a retarded third grader named Electro whose greatest love in life is eating chockomut ice creams would have known that it looks incredibly idiotic to shave one leg and only half the other.
Try and go 1 post without a Übersite reference... And when I say 1 post, I mean 1 post that I will actually read.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-20 10:04:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
*Names changed to protect the innocent. Some people from my school read Uber*