FUPA Round 1: Nitty takes on Shlongy (1317 hits)
Category: SportsRating: 0.35 on 48 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by nitty angelou (View user info) at 2006-03-20 15:21:55 EST
When asked to write a laundry list of things that I do love
A certain pastime comes to mind. A bat. A ball. A glove.
And thinking back upon the greatest greats to play this game,
There is one Mexi-shining star, and Penoz was his name.
Perez, you say, a far more normal name to name a spic
Alas, his mom was hooked on crack. His dad? A fat dumb dick.
And though they tried to write 'Perez' upon his cert of birth,
The mom smoked up and dad was hindered by his mighty girth.
Crack pipes and rolls of fat did mar parental penmanship
Thus, Perez turned into 'Penoz' when the ballpoint pen did slip.
A childhood filled with taunts and tears - the boy was teased by all
His outlook changed for good when he picked up that first baseball.
Penoz was born a star of stars, he made the game exciting.
His swing was pure, his arm was gold, his glove was all-inviting.
From daybreak till the stars came out, he worked to rule the game
The only part he hated? When opponents saw his name.
There were no cries of 'hit the ball' when he stepped to the plate
His batting focus ruined by his naming twist of fate
There were no claps, no shouts, no pretty cheerleaders were singing
All they yelled when he was up was "Look, Penoz is swinging!"
The male fans became bigger dicks, the women bigger bitches
If Penoz didn't see a strike among the first 2 pitches.
For if they both were somewhere out of where the strike zone falls,
The cries would come from all around that "Penoz has 2 balls!"
And God forbid his coach should play him left of second base.
His brow would tense, his head would hurt, the smile would leave his face.
"Penoz is the starting shortstop" was not pregame's report
The announcer would instead just say that "Look, Penoz is short!"
When poor Penoz was called upon to pitch during a game
His arm, like anyone's, would tire. Pain would haunt his frame
But no one called him tired, or a weakarm, or a wimp
All they said when he was drained was "Looks like Penoz is limp."
All true fans know very well that hitting brings the money
And though he learned to switch hit Penoz didn't find it funny
For he could blister homers from the left and right for days
The didn't call him versatile - they said 'Penoz goes both ways!"
For twenty years the taunts rolled on, 'til Penoz called it quits.
He didn't need the badgering from those ungrateful shits.
His dreams and stats and skills ignored, they asked for no encore.
All they said when he retired? "I think Penoz is sore."
His life had been a melting pot with slurs in constant motion
He moved away and found a little hut set near an ocean
And lived his life, and took a wife who couldn't have been cuter
Her given name was Katherine, but folks just called her Kooter.
User Reviews
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-11-27 23:25:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
1000 hits on the button. Until now.
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2006-03-27 23:02:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Ambiguously gay duo: Shlongy and Nitty.
It's better the way I wrote it: http://www.ubersite.com/m/85889 .
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-21 19:33:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was good shit. And the thought of Nitty "taking on" Shlongy makes me kind of hot.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-21 15:20:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I heart nitty: http://www.ubersite.com/m/85608
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-03-21 14:10:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
With the admission that nitty wrote it (whether untrue or not, it was a good move).
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-21 10:56:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've rethought this and it's definitely "worth reading," so have a +2 to balance things out.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2006-03-21 07:58:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
So what's the verdict?
Who wins?
I vote for me.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-20 23:40:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 just so i can fuck with the shit. ahhahahahah i'm so powerful!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-20 20:01:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This deserves more hits, more heat, a better rating, and a shot.
Submitted by EdselSpeedy_THC (user info) at 2006-03-20 17:50:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Interesting, but my Penoz is bored right now.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-20 17:42:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nitty - http://www.ubersite.com/m/85248#1892627
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-20 17:18:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
damn you for not recognizing me as having sense, shlongy.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-20 17:08:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2006-03-20 16:44:50 (#)
Ranking: 0
Our brilliance is finally getting recognized.
It is? By who? Besides ourselves, I mean.
Only person I see with any sense, and I can't believe I'm saying this, is Tommy Sorrell.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-03-20 17:06:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
heh... I chuckled
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-20 16:57:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-20 16:57:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
All in all, this was pretty good.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-03-20 16:56:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
brilliant
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2006-03-20 16:55:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2006-03-20 16:44:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Our brilliance is finally getting recognized.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-20 16:43:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-20 16:23:15 (#)
Ranking: 1
shake off them haters, shlongy/nitty. the fact of the matter is that here we actually have an entry from someone that realized they are not the next marlowe, an uber lyricist. instead, you realized your limitations, which unfortunately for you resemeble that of a six year old boy with downs and a sexual appetite for baseball.
for that, i commend you and your efforts.
------ i hadn't read this poem until it was too late. good show, you too. definitely had me with the whole reach around and what have you. how can i give a bad rating to such elementary brilliance? you guys could win like a state ribbon or something chocolate or i don't know. either way, the winner of this silly little ruse should not be decided by me, because i fear i don't have the authority. no, i'll leave that for the guy that has the brains and where-withal to understand what the fuck is going on.
your friend and foe,
wardy.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2006-03-20 16:40:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
why does everyone think I like poetry?
is it because of this (criminally underappreciated) post?
http://www.ubersite.com/m/33265
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-03-20 16:29:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2006-03-20 16:25:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope Calvin rapes your brown starfish
--------------------------------
Oooooh, pwnage.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2006-03-20 16:25:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-03-20 16:23:51 (#)
Ranking: -2
No, I don't get this. No, I don't care. No, you're not getting a good rating.
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I hope Calvin rapes your brown starfish
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2006-03-20 16:24:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Zak, I thought YOU of all people would be eating this up.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-03-20 16:23:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No, I don't get this. No, I don't care. No, you're not getting a good rating.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2006-03-20 16:20:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-20 16:12:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
This one is growing on me...it's not quite as good as mine, but it ain't bad.
Have a +1!
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2006-03-20 16:06:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Hey Michelle, how come Shlongy got a +2 and I get a -1?
You've been blowing him again, haven't you? I thought your face looked sticky when you gave me my food at the drive thru this morning.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2006-03-20 16:05:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-20 16:02:25 (#)
Ranking: -2
Are you guys SURE you read this carefully?
It KILLS all the other entries. Re-read it and get back to me.
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I have to agree. Some of that shit that was 'entered' into this competition was fucking pitiful.
This, however, was a masterpiece.
+2
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-03-20 16:04:53 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Uhhh
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-03-20 16:03:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
?
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2006-03-20 16:03:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Bet? There was money involved?
I didn't get the memo.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2006-03-20 16:00:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope this fucks up the bet between you two idiots.
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2006-03-20 15:57:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Originality is overrated.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-20 15:52:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Orgasmatron - can you disqualify BOTH of these fuckwits and give me a bye to round 3? PLEASE?!?
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2006-03-20 15:44:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
If I'm Shlongy's altar, does that mean I set myself up for free golf on Hilton Head this weekend? I need to write me a thank you note.
By the way Penoz, I want a fucking refund. Those gnats were killers. Nice course, though.
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-03-20 15:43:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Umm, where these 2 posted 1 second apart?
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-20 15:41:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I prefer Classic Shlongy.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-20 15:40:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Shlongy alter revealed?
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-03-20 15:40:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed at this, and they are different.
It should be disqualified though.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-03-20 15:40:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2006-03-20 15:37:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I like how Katherine married Penoz.
That's a happy ending, boys and girls.
Write that down.
Submitted by Brendon (user info) at 2006-03-20 15:36:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Giving uber the finger eh? That's what I like to see.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-20 15:36:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Yes, it is. WAY better.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2006-03-20 15:35:30 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Of course I'm trying. This is the best I can do.
I haven't read Shlongy's yet. Is his better than mine?
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-20 15:32:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
What the fuck?
You're not even trying?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-20 15:29:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
hmm.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2006-03-20 15:28:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No... this does nots sucks.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-20 15:22:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
this sucks