The Mail Order Soul Mate (FUPA - Round 1?) (1038 hits)
Category: Quotes & Stories -> PoetryRating: -0.37 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy <atsymbol.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2006-03-20 23:55:26 EST
This post, at the 11th hour, is just in case someone forfeited during Round 1 of the First Uber Poetry extrAvaganza: http://www.ubersite.com/m/85248. Might I be in?
~~~~~~~~~
- The Mail Order Soul Mate -
Most folks don't get a shot
At finding theirs at all
But my id.e.a dropped
While shopping at the mall
Lonely tub-of-lards, me,
Take what-all they can get
But that was too hard, see,
I had'nt found shit yet
Your av'rage guy will smirk
"It's the thrill, of the hunt."
But that's just to much work,
"I'm buying, what I want!"
In a catalogue set
With tan legs & blonde hair
I chose a short brunette
With arms thin & skin fair
As the reader of this
You have your doubts of course
But I can think, stand, piss,
Without buyer's remorse
Most will say, that "It's luck"
There can be, no debate
I just don't give a fuck
'Cause I can call it fate
When she fin'lly got here
There was no repentance
She finished, oh my dear!,
Ev'ry single sentence
Knew what I was thinking
With nothing left to chance
We would go out drinking
And she knew how to dance
We loved the same music
We read the same authors
We both wanted two kids
We'd have the same coffins
We took the world by force
Gave the best Christmas gifts
There would be NO divorce
After citizen-ship
As the reader of this
You still think it a lark
Let me put, that to rest
We had the same birth mark
Most will say "It was luck",
Of course the sex was great
I couldn't give a fuck
'Cause I bought my soulmate
~~~~~~~~~
User Reviews
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-24 13:41:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/85706#1899974
For this bit of gold.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-22 16:56:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I liked the idea of the story, but the application was a little off.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-22 16:55:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
.5
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-21 15:53:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Neither would I.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-21 15:46:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
whoops, forgot to rate! wouldn't want to send the wrong message...
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-21 15:45:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
coleslaw man, i woke up, ate breakfast, checked my email and then came onto uber. i saw that you had rated my post, so i decided to see what your poetic genius had to offer. based upon what i read, i decided to give it a rating of "don't bother" because there is no way you could ever honestly think that this shit was entertaining.
if you want to go -2 my post, go ahead. but i can't believe that you honestly think that this poem is good. i mean... honestly... tell me flat out that you think this is good.
-- point of fact, if this were a retaliatory -2, what does it mean that you sifted through some 550 reviews to try and find a way to get me kicked out of this shit contest? nice one, douchey.
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-03-21 14:35:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
wardy,
The reason it's a contest is so that you guys can tell me if it's good. If it's not, then that's okay. You are obviously not okay with being criticized, hence the retaliatory -2, AFTER I rated your entry. Same with Sphagnum. At least I said yours was worth reading.
Sacrilicious gave an honest review. That's how I know your -2s are worthless.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-21 14:16:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
stop being a bitch, jessica. did you really think this was good when you wrote it -- honestly?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-21 14:14:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-21 12:25:35 (#)
Ranking: -2
Mr. DQ is STILL beating your ass.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-21 13:18:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-03-21 12:18:48 (#)
Ranking: 0
Sure sure, sphagnum. My post was also done in 10 minutes like yours. See the difference? Everyone else can.
------------------------------------------
no. no they can't.
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-03-21 12:31:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sacrilicious, you are right about the flow, I should've alternated. I guess I was going for trimeter, according to the wikipedia link that was given. I had to force it in spots.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-03-21 12:27:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-03-21 12:18:48 (#)
Ranking: 0
Sure sure, sphagnum. My post was also done in 10 minutes like yours. See the difference? Everyone else can.
----
huh?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-21 12:25:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Mr. DQ is beating your ass.
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-03-21 12:18:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sure sure, sphagnum. My post was also done in 10 minutes like yours. See the difference? Everyone else can.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-21 12:17:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I demand this pud-puller gets DQ-ed!
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-03-21 12:01:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This is not a retaliatory rating.
This post belongs on worst ever, it was that bad.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-21 11:30:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
So this falls between "worth reading", and "made me smile".
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-21 11:29:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Welcome to the contest, Coleslaw.
I think this would have flowed better if you had adjusted the number of syllables in alternating lines. Your theme was amusing, though.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-21 10:12:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Here's a made-to-order -2 for ya!!!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-21 08:43:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
?
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-21 02:44:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2006-03-21 00:03:42 (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't forget to order the foot-pump option.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2006-03-21 00:03:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't forget to order the foot-pump option.