GOD BLESS AMERICA: Attack of Weird Foriegn Man; Further Adventures On My Street. (1279 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.28 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by That Is My Stapler (View user info) at 2006-03-21 14:11:37 EST
I've been shot at on my street.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/69734
I've been near mortally wounded by a vicious tropical fish on my street.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/73447
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I love foriegners. They make me laugh. They keep life interesting. If I'm in a Taxi in NYC, I'll ask the turbaned driver where he's from, what brought him to America, where his family is, and so forth.
I've met people from all over the world. Every Chinaman actually from China that I've met is absolutly fucking incomprehensible. I get a serious kick out of saying "What?" "Pardon me?" "I'm sorry?" "Come again?" "I don't understand you!" until they want to cry.
I don't think I've ever met a Russian before. In fact I've only met a few Eastern Europeans. I don't know why that is. I suppose it's hard to get out of those countries? Whatever. I'd fuck some of the women from there so hard...
(focus focus focus)
I've met and even boned Micks, Limeys, Krauts, Frogs, Spics, Aussies, Swiss, Wops, Chinks, Gooks, Coons (well, I've never porked a porch-monkey, an injun or a terrorist before...I just don't find blacks/Indians/suicide bombers very attractive...not even Halle Berry, Rasheesh Rajon or Osama Bin Laden).
You get my drift though. Foriegn people keep life interesting. Most of them are just people like everybody else, trying to get through life as painlessly as possible.
Some foriegners though, and you know what I mean, are just bizarre. They're not like everyone else. They're weird. They're creepyish. They're.....different.
This morning I was walking down my street. I live in a questionable area, at best.
Some older guy whom I've seen around but never spoken too before leapt off his porch and ran towards me, shouting loudly, freaking me right the fuck out.
He had weird clothes on. He was short. He smelled funny. His face was deadly serious with a look that was a violent mixture of anger, urgency and "I'm trying to shit as I speak!!! YAAAAH!"
It soon became very apparant that this man was, in fact, from some strange Eastern European country. Romania? Lithuania? Uzebekistan? Who the fuck knows.
Anyway, I had no clue what he was getting so hysterical about. He was spouting off in some language only two other people in the world ever spoke: Latka Gravas and Simka.
"Bitka beepa hooknuuuyaa weeerg!"
After I had stood there shuffling my feet and repeating "huh?" for the hundreth time, it finally dawned on Mr. Eastern Communist Bloc that I wasn't going to figure out what his problem was.
So he did what I'm sure any short, weird, Bolshevic would do; he punched me.
Hard.
Out of the blue.
In the solar plexus. I was totally winded.
He then just stood there watching me with a bizzare expression on his face while I doubled over trying to catch my breath.
Well by god, I don't take kindly to that. I'm a very thin person because of genetics, alcoholism, and a bachelor's diet, but still, I'm 6'2", and you know how some people have what they call "wiry" or "stringy" strength? That's me.
When I was able I instinctivly shoved the guy as hard as I could and he stumbled backwards to the ground.
Not wanting anything further to do with this situation, or God forbid, the police, I took the opportunity to run off to my destination (Eastern Michigan University).
When I went back home I stayed on the other side of the street but fortunatly he wasn't anywhere to be seen.
I know I'll see this fucker again though.
I gotta move.
I still love foriegners though.
They make me giggle.
User Reviews
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2006-03-22 05:18:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to be in Michigan!! Weeee!!!!! Crazy foreign Aussie girl!!
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-03-21 21:35:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just fucked a foreign rat. Ha Ha.
I think its name was Jeff. . .
Submitted by Deconstruction (user info) at 2006-03-21 21:18:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2006-03-21 14:40:55 (#)
Ranking: 1
Eh...
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-03-21 20:51:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just fucked a paper shredder!
Ouch!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-21 20:48:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I just milked a gerbil!
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-03-21 20:35:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Gotchya sweetcheeks.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-03-21 19:44:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-03-21 17:31:22 (#)
Ranking: 0
Whaddaya mean "cryptic?"
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I mean whatever Weird Foreign Man was trying to say to you was cryptic. Sorry I should have explained that better!
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-03-21 17:12:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
how cryptic
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-03-21 15:33:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2006-03-21 14:40:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Eh...
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-03-21 14:35:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
JEANEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-03-21 14:29:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Scary. You seriously do need to move, dude. One of these days some Alzheimers-riddled old Vietnam vet is going to mistake you for a bloodthirsty gook and shoot the shit out of you.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-21 14:28:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Where does everyone get the impression that Shlongy is rich?
If I was rich I sure wouldn't be working in my mid-forties. I'd be playing cards and golf 24/7.
I'd say "comfortably loaded" is more accurate.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-03-21 14:26:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Yeah. That's also probably why you're rich. You shove coal up your ass and make diamonds, right?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-21 14:22:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I was brought up strictly in a home of great spellers - that's probably why I am a master Scrabble and Jeopardy whiz, not to mention bator.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-21 14:21:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I apologize but I truly couldn't get past the spelling issue.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-03-21 14:21:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
THAT WAS QUITE STRANGE
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-03-21 14:20:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Oh Christ, Shlongy. Get over spelling issue for fucks sake. It's Ubersite, not a fucking thesis.
Did you even bother to read the story or did you just see the spelling error and auto -2. I'll wager it was the latter.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-21 14:15:11 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You MAY want to consider learning how to spell these "foreigners" that you love so much, before your next post about them.