ED-209: The Future of Playground Enforcement (662 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.62 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Dacin Adams <Dacin0828.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2006-03-22 05:28:34 EST
Fifth Grade. The last recess of the day and look! Here comes little Dacin out to play dodgeball! Fast as a gunslinger and able to jump over the middle-height trashcans, Dacin is the perfect dodgeball player. And not just any ball does he pick, not he. He picks the small one with a little bit of air let out so it hurts more when he hits the fat kid in the nuts (headhunting is not allowed.)
"Hey fuckwad!" He hears. Turning, he sees Brett Arnold charging towards him. Dacin wets his pants a little and his knees go weak. Brett Arnold is the biggest, meanest, baddest kid in school. Brett Arnold once twisted George Barret's arm so badly it dislocated. He's the only kid in the entire universe to tell a teacher to go screw herself, and he loves beating up kids during recess. And he was coming towards Dacin. Dacin looks around wildly for a yard duty teacher and sees her across the soccer field, supervising a touch football game. Fight or flight takes over and Dacin drops his ball and runs for his life. He knows he could scream his head off, but he also knows, deep down where child instinct lives, that the only way the yard duty teacher is going to do anything is if he grabs her leg and hides behind her. Behind him, Brett gives chase and Dacin starts to cry.
(SMACK!!!!!) Dacin's dodgeball hits him square between his shoulders and he stumbles. Sheer fear causes him to overcorrect and he hits himself in the chin with his own knee, drawing blood from his lip. Dacin stumbles again and goes down, but adrenaline takes him into a commando roll that any military man would have been proud of. Back on his feet, Dacin races toward the teacher, sobbing openly and unashamedly.
Fifteen feet left to go and Dacin is starting to feel like he might make it. He can avoid Brett the rest of the day and run straight home after school because Brett beats up the 2nd graders after school and if he can just reach the teacher before the stitch in his side slows him down and---------(SMACK!!!!!!!!!!) A freak coincidence that only happens to guys like Brett caused the ball to bounce back into his hands after it hit Dacin's back. This one hits him in the head and he falls into the dirt and grass. Whimpering he curls up into the fetal position, knowing he's going to get fucked up royal.
"Hey there fuckwad, I only wanted to play dodgeball with you, why'd you run away?" Dacin cranes his neck to the side to see Brett, larger than life, hefting the dodgeball in his right hand. Turning a little further, he sees the yard duty teacher finally take notice of the life and death drama taking place 13 feet away. YES!!!! THANK GOD!!!! All she has to do is blow her magic whistle and Brett will go away! The whistle is the god of the playground! She just needs to raise it to her lips and blow it! Dacin watches as the second in which she sizes up the situation stretches into eternity. He'd scream but he's too scared to do anything but cower. A scream distracts her as a kid scrapes his knee in the football game and begins to wail.
"Bitch" thinks Dacin, "FUCKING BITCH" he thinks as Brett realizes that he is no longer the spot of attention and turns to Dacin with a cruel smile used by people who torture pets. Dacin knows his time has come.
"All I wanted to do was have some fun, we're friends!" Brett says amicably, but Dacin sees through that shit. He knows that he's going to get beat up because he isn't really Brett's friend. No one is friends with Brett because he beats everyone up. Dacin sobs and closes his eyes tight in the anticipation of the ass-kicking. Brett raises the ball and aims it at Dacin's face.
"PUT DOWN YOUR WEAPON. YOU HAVE 20 SECONDS TO COMPLY." Whirling, Brett sees a mechanical nightmare. Two huge legs, no eyes, and two machine guns mounted on either side of it's body. Because of the grass on the field, the machine is able to move without the traditional stomping sounds usually associated with it. It is as silent as an indian. Brett drops the ball and backs away. Dacin's eyes bug out of his head and he crab-walks backward getting grass and dirt down his jeans.
ED-209 takes two silent steps forward, regards the ball lying on the ground and re-focuses on Brett. "PUT DOWN YOUR WEAPON. YOU NOW HAVE 15 SECONDS TO COMPLY." Brett's mouth falls open as ED-209's guns cycle to readiness. Sprinting, he dashes straight into the football game while Dacin scrambles out the machine's path. As the machine begins to count from 10.......9........8.......7.......6....... it makes tiny adjustments to its focus, never losing sight of Brett. The football team panics and literally shoves Brett away from the main group as the count reaches 3. By count 2, Brett latches onto the yard duty teacher's leg and hides behind her.
It doesn't help. ED-209 fires his guns and shoots through the teacher, blasting her to pieces and blowing Brett's guts over the grass like a kaleidoscope from hell. ED-209 continues to fire until every bullet is spent and casings decorate the soccer field around it and Dacin. Then ED-209 shuts down, smoke rising lazily from his twin gun barrels.
Dacin sniffles, wipes his nose with the sleeve of his shirt, picks up his dodgeball and walks back to the dodge ball court.
User Reviews
Submitted by Flack (user info) at 2006-03-27 13:26:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
SWEET!
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-22 22:03:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-22 05:43:13 (#)
Ranking: 1
If you had a hilarious filename i'd have +2ed this. As it is, this is amusing.
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Yeah, I agree. Also, red, I ordered my Visionaries DVD. 10 quid including shipping, bargain. Course, that's about $4000 dollars here, but it was worth it.
Submitted by Dacin (user info) at 2006-03-22 19:59:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Bow down before me, your new lord and ruler, and serenade me with a beautiful flowing chorus of insults and -2's
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wtf?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-22 16:32:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
auto +2 for Robocop
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2006-03-22 13:32:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bow down before me, your new lord and ruler, and serenade me with a beautiful flowing chorus of insults and -2's.
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Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2006-03-22 13:25:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ed-209 bitch slapped my sister in 5th grade.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2006-03-22 13:18:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dacin (user info) at 2006-03-22 10:13:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This is the real reason violence has been erupting in our schools. Some may say it's just a coincidence, but I know better.
http://www.brainevent.com/be/TheNews/head_to_head/20010604
Submitted by Dacin (user info) at 2006-03-22 09:34:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Our school system wouldn't have kids bringing guns to school if natural outlets like dodgeball were never banned.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-03-22 09:20:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
THIS WILL CAUSE KIDS TO BRING GUNS TO SCHOOL!
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-03-22 08:58:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I actually like your stuff, and this was no different.
+ 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-22 08:48:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
More action, less description would've netted this a +2...good concept though.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-03-22 07:14:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Having never been bullied at school, I find it difficult to empathise.
Nice idea though. And dodgeball kicks ass.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-22 06:13:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Starcom = Superior
Submitted by Dacin (user info) at 2006-03-22 06:09:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Screw that! when it comes to blowing money on obscure cartoons, I'm saving up for Silverhawks
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-22 06:04:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Dacin (user info) at 2006-03-22 05:53:57 (#)
Ranking: 0
I've read your transformers post repeatedly! And the only thing I remember about Visionaries is I had a lunchbox and the big bad guy turned into a mollusk while the big good guy turned into a lion.
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Ah yes, Darkstorm and Leoric respectively.
I *may* own Visionaries on DVD, and I *may* recommend that you get them too, coz they are proper excellent.
Submitted by Dacin (user info) at 2006-03-22 05:56:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
OH MY FUCKING GOD! I just looked at a couple of robocop pages and realized that Clarence Boddicker--ass kicking bad guy in the movie---is none other than Red Foreman in that 70's Show!!!
I will never see him the same way again. Especially when he claims to have killed people to his son and calls him a dumbass
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-03-22 05:54:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ROBOCOP BITCHES
Submitted by Dacin (user info) at 2006-03-22 05:53:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I've read your transformers post repeatedly! And the only thing I remember about Visionaries is I had a lunchbox and the big bad guy turned into a mollusk while the big good guy turned into a lion.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-22 05:51:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Dacin (user info) at 2006-03-22 05:46:59 (#)
Ranking: 0
Dammit redskies, is there just no pleasing you? (cries emo tears and cuts himself)
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If you did a post on Visionaries, pointing out the madness inherent in that cartoon, I would +2 it until Bart banned me for spamming the front page.
Read my transformers the movie post (part 1 and 2 shamefully posted on the same day because I didn't think I'd get it finished in one day)
http://www.ubersite.com/m/79435
http://www.ubersite.com/m/79439
Submitted by Dacin (user info) at 2006-03-22 05:46:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Dammit redskies, is there just no pleasing you? (cries emo tears and cuts himself)
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-22 05:43:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
If you had a hilarious filename i'd have +2ed this. As it is, this is amusing.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2006-03-22 05:41:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YES