I'm prepared for the end of the world. Are you? (1490 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.72 on 47 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ozzy (View user info) at 2006-03-22 08:16:01 EST
Many different Armageddon theories have been bleated about in the media, but which is the most credible threat to us as a species? I conducted a series of highly scientific experiments on a colony of ants in the hope of finding out.
Threat to our species: Meteor strike
Many scientists believe a meteor strike to be the reason why the age of the dinosaurs came to an end. If a meteor struck land, a giant dust cloud could be kicked up, blocking the sun and stopping plant life from growing. Alternatively, if the meteor struck water, a giant tsunami would be produced, and depending which ocean it struck, the results would be catastrophic.
However, if Hollywood movies are anything to go by, (and we all know they are) we are at a point now where our technology may be able to predict and prevent a meteor strike through a space mission and a nuclear blast.
Test result: Large boulder produced and dropped directly on the ant colony.
Casualties confined to those hit directly by projectile. My hands were also bitten while rolling the boulder off the colony. Who knew dropping heavy shit on them would piss them off?
Conclusion: I need to exercise more. Lifting the boulder strained my biceps.
Threat to our species: Nuclear holocaust
Can you taste the irony, bitches? The very weapon which could prevent one total extinction event could in fact cause one by itself. While it would be highly unlikely that a single nation could develop a nuclear weapon big enough to kill all of humankind in one blast, sustained nuclear warfare could possibly kill us off.
Either that or we'd all mutate, grow 3 tits and/or schlongs and glow in the dark. Which would be cool if you're into fancy dress parties or having sex in closets.
Test result: Part of colony placed in Nuke device (Samsung microwave) for 30 seconds.
Casualties were minor, however soon increased as I found amusement in watching the somewhat hypnotic writhing of the test subjects. The remainder of these experiments had to be carried out the following day, due to the amount of time I later spent nuking my subjects.
Conclusion: The magnifying glass and sun are redundant as a form of ant torture. Microwaves are where it's at.
Threat to our species: Mutated Cold/Flu germ or disease
I personally believe this to be the most likely cause of the downfall of our species. Bird flu, SARS, HIV- they're pansy, George Michael-in-Wham-like diseases compared to what is possible if Mother Nature really gets her shit together.
Test result: I had a cold, and so sneezed as often as possible all over the colony, smothering them in a thick layer of mucus-y goodness.
After 3 days, not one single casualty was reported. I subsequently became bored and revisited the nuclear holocaust experiment.
Conclusion: The fact that Dixon's charge only £25 for a new microwave is a good thing.
Threat to our species: Lack of Food
Urban sprawl is becoming a problem for or species, for as our population grows, the amount of farmable land available declines. With less farmable land and a rapidly increasing population, obviously this could lead to a food shortage if action is not taken.
Especially when you consider the amount of food consumed by the fat fucks of the American IT industry.
Test result: Having very little to feed the ants with, I opened a pack of Doritos. I learnt that ants don't like eating Doritos nearly as much as human semen......
What?
Conclusion: Masturbation will not assist the recovery of a strained bicep muscle.
Threat to our species: Volcanic Eruption
Another possible cause of mass extinction bandied about by scientists is a volcanic eruption. With so much ash and soot in the atmosphere, plants and animals would die out at an alarming rate due to lack of sunlight. With humans being the top of the food chain, we would undoubtedly be affected.
That being said, the hundreds of small "eruptions" caused in people who've eaten curry in East London don't do much harm. Except to those in the immediate vicinity.
Test result: By fiercely shaking up a bottle of Coke and opening the lid above the colony, we can replicate the effect of an erupting volcano. After the initial flow of liquid, wouldn't you know it, the little fuckers love it!
Conclusion: You can't beat "The Real Thing" (TM Coca Cola. Trade marks also include the dynamic ribbon device and gut rot) We also learned that if a volcano does erupt, it will be OK. Lava is edible.
Threat to our species: Female hormones in our water supply, causing low sperm counts in men
It has been found that the prevalence of birth control pills has led to an increase in the female hormone, oestrogen, in our water supply. The male population has suffered decreased levels of testosterone, and therefore fertility as a result.
Not me though, I'm still all man. And my swimmers are as good as any Australian Olympian, but with more body hair.
Test result: In hindsight, crushing up one of my missus' birth control pills and feeding it to the colony achieved nothing. I hadn't found the queen of the colony, so I was essentially turning the worker ants into little black she-male drag queens. Just like Oprah Winfrey.
Conclusion: With the benefit of hindsight, considering the fact that I just finished boasting about the strength of my little swimmers, it really wasn't a good idea to steal my girlfriend's birth control pills. The Child Support Agency are all over me now like a fat kid on a cupcake.
Threat to our species: Being smited by god / another deity
The bearded one caused a flood and pissed off some old guy in sandals, maybe he has it in him to smite us all?
Test result: A hammer, a box of matches and aerosol can, and the entire colony is wiped out. Too easy. All with time to spare to wash up before dinner.
Conclusion: If the Man himself gets bored and wants to get rid of us, all he needs to do is spray something flammable into the sun and bash the earth with his fist. And we'll all be squashed and fried like bugs in a car radiator.
User Reviews
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-09-17 14:19:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fabulous.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-09-17 14:16:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-03-22 08:22:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
About time Uber had a serious scientist. So basically we shouldn't piss of God?
---------------
HEY!
Submitted by LongestPants (user info) at 2006-09-17 14:06:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Can you taste the irony, bitches?"
That alone deserves a +2.
Submitted by disco_brad (user info) at 2006-03-27 21:01:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
freaking awesome, good reference to aussie swimmers
Submitted by the4sword (user info) at 2006-03-25 02:59:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking awesome. You rule.
Submitted by Kale (user info) at 2006-03-25 02:43:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-03-23 22:12:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Smote, you asshole. Smote.
Submitted by hooch4 (user info) at 2006-03-23 19:37:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was essentially turning the worker ants into little black she-male drag queens. Just like Oprah Winfrey.
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2006-03-23 03:11:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-22 08:53:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
Good thing you tried it on ants first instead of jumping straight to badgers.
===
Hahahahahahahaha. Them badgers are scrappy little bastards.
Submitted by r0fl (user info) at 2006-03-22 20:39:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The only thing to make it better would have been pictures of microwaved ants.
Top notch.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-22 20:24:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
pf2
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-03-22 17:36:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
First erver drunk login......But I forgot what I was going to write. Something about being a sad cunt for wasting some of my buzz on Uber.
Yeah, that was it.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-03-22 16:45:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't like ants.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-22 15:42:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
mmm, radioactive glow-in-the-dark peener...
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-03-22 14:54:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-22 11:05:47 (#)
Ranking: 1
Well, I got booze, Cheez-Its and Omaha Steaks.
The only thing I'm missing is blow.
----------------------
HAHAHHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!!!!
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2006-03-22 13:31:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Bow down before me, your new lord and ruler, and serenade me with a beautiful flowing chorus of insults and -2's.
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dlfnsngr;osmtrgo; hwmneo;p j5w93ng[qpg eu8qpw9ju8n9o hv79opu iesgnjh5ro 7uieswajnhgaqohwg5ru9 psyu,tsjpi5rexswau8ioswa0[uoju5qaojtp0om8qa oq5jaqlnhgowsan
dlfnsngr;osmtrgo;hwmneo;pj5w93ng[qpgeu8qpw9ju8n9oihv79opuiesgnjh5roq7uieswajnhgaqohwg5 ru9psyu, tsjpi5re xswa u8ioswa0[uoju5qaojtp0om8qaoq5jaqlnhgowsan
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Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-03-22 12:38:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't look at all the reviews, but did anyone else spend a few minutes trying to think of how to make zombie ants?
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-03-22 12:29:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yes, it deserves B@W
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-22 12:08:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
LEON-ARD BERN-STEIN!!!
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2006-03-22 11:53:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-03-22 11:22:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-22 11:05:47 (#)
Ranking: 1
Well, I got booze, Cheez-Its and Omaha Steaks.
The only thing I'm missing is blow.
<><><><><><>
I'm gonna have Charlize Theron chryogenically frozen in my fallout shelter. All I gotta do is thaw her out and the lines will be pre-racked on her tits and ready to go.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-22 11:05:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Well, I got booze, Cheez-Its and Omaha Steaks.
The only thing I'm missing is blow.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-03-22 10:49:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by Dacin (user info) at 2006-03-22 09:43:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you should check out http://www.exitmundi.nl/
There's some scary shit in that website
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-03-22 09:43:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny indeed
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-22 09:38:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-03-22 09:35:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i don't if that was retarded or clever...either way, I laughed +2
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-03-22 09:26:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How cruel.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-03-22 09:18:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-03-22 09:00:24 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-03-22 08:54:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
I fucking loved this.
You Aussie cunt. :)
<><><><><>
Ixnay on the untcae Phuzzy. Else I'll have you deported.
Wait a minute.....
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Haha! Touche, mofo...
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-03-22 09:12:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
He he. You know exactly what I'm talkin' about, Zombie-boy. :p
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-03-22 09:05:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-03-22 08:43:11 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-03-22 08:35:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
What about nano technology?
I read a report about how if they got out of control, they would out weigh the entire earth in about three days. Scary shit
-----------
I was actually going to include that in here, but couldn't figure out a way to make it (semi) funny without sounding nerdy.
I tell you, if I had access to the kind of stuff that floats around in your head Nath, then this would have written itself !!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whatchautalkin'boutwillis?
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-03-22 09:04:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-03-22 09:01:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-03-22 08:35:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
What about nano technology?
I read a report about how if they got out of control, they would out weigh the entire earth in about three days. Scary shit
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--==-
I've always thought that the first life we meet in the cosmos will probably be some sort of robotic AI that has taken control of it's host-planet.... They would kick arse in space travel compared to living beings.
Anyway, kick-arse post.
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I'm not sure because I'm still waiting for my subscription to come through, but I get the feeling that's what Galactus is like in Ultimate Marvel Universe. Instead of one massive being, it seems to be made up of much smaller robots that travel together and reform to fuck shit up
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-03-22 09:01:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-03-22 08:35:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
What about nano technology?
I read a report about how if they got out of control, they would out weigh the entire earth in about three days. Scary shit
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--==-
I've always thought that the first life we meet in the cosmos will probably be some sort of robotic AI that has taken control of it's host-planet.... They would kick arse in space travel compared to living beings.
Anyway, kick-arse post.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-03-22 09:00:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-03-22 08:54:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
I fucking loved this.
You Aussie cunt. :)
<><><><><>
Ixnay on the untcae Phuzzy. Else I'll have you deported.
Wait a minute.....
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-03-22 08:58:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by angel_2k01 (user info) at 2006-03-22 08:56:18 (#)
Ranking: -2
i want to glow in the dark
--------------
Was this a retaliatory -2 or was it just an error?
I am somewhat curious.
-Dave
Submitted by angel_2k01 (user info) at 2006-03-22 08:56:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i want to glow in the dark
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-03-22 08:54:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I fucking loved this.
You Aussie cunt. :)
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-22 08:53:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good thing you tried it on ants first instead of jumping straight to badgers.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-03-22 08:50:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-03-22 08:43:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-03-22 08:35:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
What about nano technology?
I read a report about how if they got out of control, they would out weigh the entire earth in about three days. Scary shit
-----------
I was actually going to include that in here, but couldn't figure out a way to make it (semi) funny without sounding nerdy.
I tell you, if I had access to the kind of stuff that floats around in your head Nath, then this would have written itself !!
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-03-22 08:41:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
-Dave
Submitted by DizzyMissus (user info) at 2006-03-22 08:39:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Suddenly science is fun
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-03-22 08:35:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What about nano technology?
I read a report about how if they got out of control, they would out weigh the entire earth in about three days. Scary shit
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-03-22 08:34:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
If these experiments are accurate (and they ARE), it's not the big fella we have to worry about. The ants bit me when I dropped a boulder on them, but did I smite them? No.
Well I did eventually, but that was due to boredom. Basically as far as I can figure, as long as we don't bore the shit out of Rupert Murdoch.... I mean, god, we'll be fine.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-03-22 08:32:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Are you ready for the end of the world?"
in short, i am.
in detail, i've got liquor and weed and that's all I need. Bring it on.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-22 08:30:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oprah Winfrey is not little Ozzy.
Otherwise, good work. Pray continue with your experiments. I would like to see freezing (liquid nitrogen) and perhaps hurricanes (hair dryers)
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-03-22 08:22:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
About time Uber had a serious scientist. So basically we shouldn't piss of God?