I Went on a Date with Jean Claude Van Damme and All I Got was This Shitty Tote Bag (3275 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.89 on 62 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Pentameter (View user info) at 2006-03-22 09:33:38 EST
One of the few perks of my job is that I get to travel. Yes, most of the time it's for conferences, but when I get to go by myself, it's basically a vacation paid for by work. Sometimes being a professional is awesome.
Last week I attended a conference in New York City, and luckily I was able to go on my own. With no supervision, I skipped most of the sessions I was supposed to attend. I spent most of my time shopping and wandering through the streets of the city.
So much for professional development.
On the first day of the conference, I met a girl who was from the city. We became fast friends when we realized that we both hated sitting through boring presentations and that we both had an unnatural love of shoes. Ok, ok. I didn't think much of her, but if she was going to get me the hell away from all of those tight-assed idiots, I was game for anything.
One night, she and I went to a place called Woo Lae Oak, a hip little Korean Restaurant. Mandy looked at me and said, "Sometimes celebs hang out there. It's pretty cool."
Really, there are only a handful of celebrities that I have any interest in, but I never seek out information about them. So, even though I didn't give a shit about meeting anyone, I thought it still might be a little bit of fun to see someone famous.
We arrived at Woo Lae Oak and sat down at the bar. The bartender made us some drinks and I scanned the room to see if I recognized anyone. At first, no one caught my eye.
Then I saw him.
Jean Claude Van Damme.
"Holy shit Mandy, it's Jean Claude!" I shouted.
"Yeah, he hangs out here all the time," she said as she rolled her eyes.
"Are you serious? Oh my God, I'm in the presence of greatness," I said as I giggled a little.
"Listen, he's a fucking psycho," she said.
"Nah, he's just intense. I'll be right back," I said.
"Don't say I didn't warn you," Mandy stated.
In my mind I thought, "Whatever, bitch," as I strode over to where he was seated at the bar.
"Excuse me, are my eyes deceiving me, or are you 'The Muscles from Brussels?'" I asked.
Jean Claude spun around on his seat and said, "Of course, I am Jean Claude Van Damme, the greatest action star that ever lived!"
A few of the patrons groaned when he jumped from his seat and did a few karate moves.
"Wow, you're a badass," I said.
"You got that right, sister. Why don't you sit down and let me buy you a drink?" he asked.
I took the seat next to him and said, "You know, Bloodsport is one of my favorite movies ever."
He glared at me and said, "I wrote Lionheart and I trained Chuck Norris. Bloodsport was a joke as far as I'm concerned."
"Oh yeah? Why's that?"
"I don't want to talk about it," he said as he finished off his drink in one gulp, then added, "By the way, I taught Chuck Norris how to cure cancer."
A little disturbed, I decided to change the subject. I asked, "So, how did you get your big break?"
Again, he stared right through me and said, "I was in Hollywood and I did a spin kick for Menahem Golan."
"Yeah, then he hired you for Bloodsport. That's so badass!" I said.
Jean Claude sat there motionless as I babbled on about every scene from Bloodsport.
"How about when Chong Li threw that fucking powder in your eyes, and you were like, 'GAAAAAHHHHHHHH' and then you kicked his friggin' ass," I said.
"Oh what, like this?" he said as delivered a kick to my midsection.
"What the fucking fuck!" I shouted.
Strangely, no one at Woo Lae Oak seemed to noticed that I had just gotten my ass kicked.
"It's always 'Chong Li' this and 'Chong Li' that! What about me? I was in that fucking movie too!" he bellowed.
"I was talking about you, you fucking moron!" I said.
"What? You think he's better than I am, don't you? You think he's bigger, stronger and better than me. No one is better than me!" he yelled as he kicked a table across the room.
"Holy Christ, you really are a psycho," I said as I wiped blood away from my lip.
The room was spinning all around me, and even though I was dazed, I remembered that he was bipolar. He mentioned something about salt...yes, salt was the answer. I grabbed onto one of the stools and pulled myself up. "Bartender? Can I have the salt you dip the margarita glasses in?" I asked.
"For what?"
"Just fucking give it to me, asshole!" I screamed.
He pushed the small container over toward me, and I grabbed a handful of salt. Chong Li style, I threw it directly at Jean Claude's face.
His eyes bulged from his head as he screamed, "GAHAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"
After rubbing his eyes, he smoothed his suit and sat down.
He seemed all right.
He looked over at me and said, "My God, you're bleeding!"
"Yeah dude, I'll be all right. Hey, can I have your autograph?" I asked.
"Sure. I'll even give you a tote bag," he said.
"A tote bag?"
"Yeah, here, come out to my car with me," he said.
We walked out of the restaurant and he led me to his car. When he opened the trunk, hundreds of t-shirts, mugs, mousepads and tote bags poured forth, each one stating things like, "POWER!" or "SKILL!" and featuring Jean Claude in a kick-ass pose.
"Thanks a lot man," I said.
"You're welcome," he said.
I began to walk back toward the restaurant, when I heard footsteps coming up from behind me. I turned around and there was Jean Claude. He asked, "Who is the most kick ass person in Bloodsport?"
"You are," I said.
He put his hand on my shoulder, then proceeded to spin kick each and every parking meter.
He truly is the baddest of the bad.
User Reviews
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2007-09-26 21:01:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Comment.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-04-13 17:45:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bump
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-04-13 23:30:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-03-23 02:37:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, I've thought that the guy who played Chong Li was the guy who played The Beast in Kung Fu Hustle.
***********************
WHAT??
Are you mad??
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2006-03-23 21:46:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha
I see you managed to fit in all of the appropriate references.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-03-23 03:40:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-03-23 02:54:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHA
Mr. Luger of Indiana.... Senator.....
Dear Mr. Linzy:
Thank you for contacting me. I appreciate knowing your thoughts about preserving our public lands and national parks.
President Bush has submitted his fiscal year 2007 budget to Congress and proposed the sale of federal land under the jurisdiction of the U.S. Forest Service. In conjunction with this announcement, on February 28th, the U.S. Department of Agriculture Forest Service announced the start of a public comment period on the list of forest lands that would be available for sale as a proposal to provide funding to reauthorize the Secure Rural Schools and Community Self-Determination Act of 2000. You can review this proposal on the Forest Service website at: <http://www.fs.fed.us/>.
Comments on the proposed list must be received by March 30, 2006, and may be sent by e-mail to SRS_Land_Sales.at.fs.fed.us. Written comments may be sent to: USDA Forest Service, SRS Comments, Lands 4S, 1400 Independence Ave., SW, Mailstop 1124, Washington, DC 20250-0003. Faxed comments should be sent to (202) 205-1604.
I will continue to closely follow the progress of this issue. National parklands are a treasure every American can share. Our breathtaking forests and mountains are world-renowned. As economic prosperity allows citizens and industries to expand in more rural areas, preserving national parks becomes more important than ever. Again, thank you for contacting me.
and my response???
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
You know what you can do with your little reply, Mr. Lugar....
You can shove it up your pompous, self-serving ASS!
That's what you can do!
You know why???
Because your ways are OVER! That's why.
The youth of America are about to SHOCK your ass with lightning so
powerful you won't know what to do with yourself/
FUCK you, and FUCK your president! He's NOT my president. You are
nothing but a little lapdog. I know you, and everyone here in
Evansville, Indiana that I come into contact with knows what you're up
to. I've looked at your voting record, and I'm passing it onto
everyone I know as we fucking speak.
You just keep up the 'good' work, Mr. Senator, and sleep well...sleep
well knowing that Hell Hounds are on your trail. We ARE WATCHING YOU.
NOW, KINDLY DIE!
You don't fucking fool me, and you don't fool anyone else wiht your
bullshit lies about trying to do ANYTHING for this country.
YOU ARE A JOKE.....AND YOU ARE A DISGRACE.
http://www.senate.gov/legislative/LIS/roll_call_lists/vote_menu_109_2.htm
Now kindly die, sir.
That's right....DIE.
Your time is over.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-03-23 02:37:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, I've thought that the guy who played Chong Li was the guy who played The Beast in Kung Fu Hustle.
Turns out I was wrong.
Now I'm sad.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-03-23 02:34:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wasn't he a dancer?
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-03-22 22:42:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-22 22:13:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
SHENANIGANS!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-22 20:41:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate you.
You stole Donk from us.
OK, I don't hate you.
*kiss*
Submitted by BrownEyedGirrl (user info) at 2006-03-22 18:26:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hard Target was always my favourite....
gotta love a spinning back kick within the first fifteen minutes...
the only bad part of any Jean-Claude movie... when he SPEAKS....
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-03-22 18:12:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet Jesus that's a funny website. Oh Jean-Claude.
I loved Bloodsport, even though looking back on it now, it's abundantly clear that it was utter shit.
I remember Maximum Risk being his best film. Mmmmm, Natasha Henstridge...
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-03-22 17:30:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-03-22 16:05:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cyborg, is undisputably, the best movie that has ever been created.
-Fin
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-03-22 15:32:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-03-22 10:11:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-22 09:58:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
Jean Claude Van Damm looks like an illiterate.
===
I think that guy is great. Here are a few Van Damme translated quotes for you:
"You don't need a flash when you take a picture of a bunny that already has red eyes."
"If you work with a jackhammer during an earthquake, desynchronize yourself or else you're working for nothing."
"The air...it's a bit like my brain..."
"An hazelnut, I break it between my buttcheeks, you see?"
"Me, Adam and Eve, I don't believe it anymore, you see because I'm not an idiot : the apple, it can't be bad, it's full of pectine"
"My wife isn't my best sexual parter, but she cleans up well."
"My other first names are Camille and Francois. I like Camille, it's "old fashion", don't you think? It breathes like a furtniture of Provence."
"A cow, it'll eat three hectares, but me, with three hectares I make you two thousand kilos of rice...with three hectares I can feed Avignon, you see?"
"A biscuit has no spirit, it's only a biscuit. But before it was milk and eggs, and there is potential life in eggs."
And so on...
He's full of wisdom!
______________________________________________
HAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-03-22 15:26:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-03-22 14:59:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-03-22 14:34:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
The Shield, Caulain, is the greatest cop show ever produced for television, with the most badass bulldog of a crooked cop that ever walked the face of the earth
===
people who watch TV need a kick in the face. :-D
-------------------
Does that kick in the face goes for those watching porn on a tv as well?
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-03-22 15:02:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
At first glance, i thought that "all you got was this shitty TEA BAG." How relieved I truly am that you weren't tea-bagged by the nok su kau (white tiger for those of you that don't speak Thai).
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-03-22 14:59:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-03-22 14:34:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
The Shield, Caulain, is the greatest cop show ever produced for television, with the most badass bulldog of a crooked cop that ever walked the face of the earth
===
people who watch TV need a kick in the face. :-D
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-03-22 14:34:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Shield, Caulain, is the greatest cop show ever produced for television, with the most badass bulldog of a crooked cop that ever walked the face of the earth:
http://users.marshall.edu/~maynard49/pictures/vicmackey.jpg
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-03-22 14:21:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-03-22 11:50:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
Awwww it's good to see Donkey writing again!
<ducks>
-----------
Strangely my first thought was that this read like a Donk post.
*cough* http://www.ubersite.com/m/85598 *cough*
-Dave
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2006-03-22 13:30:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Bow down before me, your new lord and ruler, and serenade me with a beautiful flowing chorus of insults and -2's.
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dlfnsngr;osmtrgo;hwmneo;pj5w93ng[qpgeu8qpw9ju8n9oihv79opuiesgnjh5roq7uieswajnhgaqohwg5 ru9psyu, tsjpi5re xswa u8ioswa0[uoju5qaojtp0om8qaoq5jaqlnhgowsan
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dvsfahbtrd'lkgbvewsam0ofiimfdohmgods
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t5gbrkjkigtjkhigtruijkiwr,f.oir90ouikgdef swouie is oui4w3 qirjkeki8gt9uo4ir8tiuyr gf-08hybvd0uygh3roe vf9i87uigref
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Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-22 13:25:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
DO you know he can crack a walnut WIDE open if placed in the crack of his glistening, marbled butt-cheeks?
ponder that image, PONDER IT I SAY
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-03-22 12:53:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
He should have won an Oscar for Universal Soldier.
How Dolph Lundgren beat him for best actor, I'll never know.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-03-22 12:51:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shoulda asked him what the fuck is the deal with the lump on his forehead.
That always bothered me.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-03-22 12:41:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-03-22 12:13:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
On a side note, I actually got nauseous watching the season finale of The Shield last night. it was fucking disturbing.
No it wasn't, it was awesome. There will be 11 more episodes later this year, then it's over forever.
This post rocks.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-03-22 12:24:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wtf is The Shield? Another dumbass Survivor contest?
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-03-22 12:13:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
On a side note, I actually got nauseous watching the season finale of The Shield last night. it was fucking disturbing.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-03-22 12:13:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-03-22 12:10:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
Please, Donkey would never sleep with you, Caul. You smell like Satan's asshole
===
Artistic view of Satan's asshole: http://tinyurl.com/88kt3 by Léon Bellefleur.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-03-22 12:10:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Please, Donkey would never sleep with you, Caul. You smell like Satan's asshole
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-03-22 12:06:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
she's not even going out with donkey anymore. not since we had sex in their bed.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-03-22 12:06:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I love the guy but he can't spell for shit.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-03-22 12:03:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
She's got a point, you know
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-03-22 12:03:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Every word in this post is spelled correctly, therefore, Donkey did not write it.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-03-22 11:50:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awwww it's good to see Donkey writing again!
<ducks>
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-03-22 11:44:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-03-22 11:23:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
50 bucks says donkeyontheedge wrote this
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-03-22 11:15:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What the fuck is wrong with Uber today? Why did my review post twice? Why is there a huge blank space between the top posts and the lower ones?
Why are there stars in the sky?
Why did my daddy beat me?
Why did I cut my penis off?
Why did I drink all that goddamned beer last night??
WHY!?!?!?!?!?!?
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-03-22 11:12:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When I was a yuppie my company used to pay me (ME!) to travel all over the world supervising our trade show marketing efforts.
You're right. It's one of the few perks of being a professional.
Now I'm an internet marketing guru working for myself and very soon I'll be independantly wealthy, whereupon I'm going to buy a yacht and sail around the goddamned world picking up and fucking the holy dogsnot out of girls like you.
:-)
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-03-22 11:12:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When I was a yuppie my company used to pay me (ME!) to travel all over the world supervising our trade show marketing efforts.
You're right. It's one of the few perks for being a professional.
Now I'm an internet marketing guru working for myself and very soon I'll be independantly wealthy, whereupon I'm going to buy a yacht and sail around the goddamned world picking up and fucking the holy dogsnot out of girls like you.
:-)
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-22 11:09:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Is this true?
Never mind that. Why didn't he try and make a move on you?
Oh, yeah. that's right. He's a mo.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-22 10:55:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
O-kayyyyyy......
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-03-22 10:22:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Those quotes are hilarious...hahahaha...he is so bad that it's awesome.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-03-22 10:18:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to love Van-Damme in a quiet awe, hetero sexual admiration kind of way.
Then I saw Streetfighter the movie and discovered guns and armoured boats and shit.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2006-03-22 10:14:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There were so many awesome characters from Bloodsport.
The little asian dude with the horrible accent, the two agents who chased him all over the damn country then when they had him trapped, the said "OK Frank, you win"
The horrible acting.......
And Ogre was funny.
Isn't ironic that no matter what that guy does in TV/cinema, he will always be Ogre?
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-03-22 10:13:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't hear the music :-/
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-03-22 10:11:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-22 09:58:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
Jean Claude Van Damm looks like an illiterate.
===
I think that guy is great. Here are a few Van Damme translated quotes for you:
"You don't need a flash when you take a picture of a bunny that already has red eyes."
"If you work with a jackhammer during an earthquake, desynchronize yourself or else you're working for nothing."
"The air...it's a bit like my brain..."
"An hazelnut, I break it between my buttcheeks, you see?"
"Me, Adam and Eve, I don't believe it anymore, you see because I'm not an idiot : the apple, it can't be bad, it's full of pectine"
"My wife isn't my best sexual parter, but she cleans up well."
"My other first names are Camille and Francois. I like Camille, it's "old fashion", don't you think? It breathes like a furtniture of Provence."
"A cow, it'll eat three hectares, but me, with three hectares I make you two thousand kilos of rice...with three hectares I can feed Avignon, you see?"
"A biscuit has no spirit, it's only a biscuit. But before it was milk and eggs, and there is potential life in eggs."
And so on...
He's full of wisdom!
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-03-22 10:07:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-03-22 09:46:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-03-22 09:35:14 (#)
Ranking: 0
Best website ever:
http://www.jeanclaudevandamme.net/
===
Actually, the best Van Damme website is : http://www4.tz-technologie.com/
The movie section is just so fucking bad. That guy is such a coked up moron.
Too bad in it's in french though...but I have translated a few movies back then: http://www.ubersite.com/m/75337#1595363
It's worth your time! If you can bear extreme idiocy.
-----------------------
I so wish I could speak/read French...I read your translation and it cracked me up.
I love the shitty music that plays in the background on the site I found. It sounds like something from a Sega game...like Road Rash or something.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-22 09:58:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jean Claude Van Damm looks like an illiterate.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-22 09:57:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHA!
I hate that guy.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-03-22 09:57:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jack Bauer would kick his ass
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-03-22 09:49:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Heh.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-22 09:48:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2006-03-22 09:48:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweeet.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-03-22 09:46:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-03-22 09:35:14 (#)
Ranking: 0
Best website ever:
http://www.jeanclaudevandamme.net/
===
Actually, the best Van Damme website is : http://www4.tz-technologie.com/
The movie section is just so fucking bad. That guy is such a coked up moron.
Too bad in it's in french though...but I have translated a few movies back then: http://www.ubersite.com/m/75337#1595363
It's worth your time! If you can bear extreme idiocy.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-03-22 09:46:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-03-22 09:44:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I actually thought you were being serious for a little bit. Silly me.
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2006-03-22 09:42:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Should be "I only hit you because I love you, VanDammit!"
That would have been funnier.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-03-22 09:42:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One of the many king of kings. Lets hope they all have a tournament and fight to the death for the Ultimate King of Kings title.
I loved Hard Target
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-22 09:41:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was actually funny
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-03-22 09:38:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Excuse me, are my eyes deceiving me, or are you 'The Muscles from Brussels?'"
HHHHHHHHHAhahahahaha.
Gold.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-03-22 09:37:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If I only had a nickle for every time I've heard "I only hit you because I love you" from Jean Claude Van Damme I'd be a very rich man.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-03-22 09:35:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Best website ever:
http://www.jeanclaudevandamme.net/