APW: The Sacrifice (923 hits)
Category: Quotes & Stories -> PoetryLabels: APW
Rating: 1.27 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Orgasmatron (View user info) at 2006-03-22 16:27:19 EST
When the Lord's voice boomed and from the skies came his decree
I thought he meant that I should know my Isaac biblically
Not "take him" as a sacrifice, but "take him" in the butt
I wondered at His logic, but I kept my old mouth shut,
For who am I to stand and question Yahweh up above?
So what if He insists I show my son some manly love?
I will admit, I balked when He insisted on the knife,
That I should slit his throat and take his young and unlived life,
Jevovah wants a snuff show? I will honor His request
Although it breaks the heart that beats inside my Jewish chest,
I'll pop his anal cherry then I'll bleed him till he's dry
And likely lose my wife once I explain why Isaac died.
I threw him on the altar and I stripped his body bare
I tried to calm his mind while I removed my underwear
But then an angel of the Lord swooped down and stayed my hand
Said "Damnit all to hell you senile fucker Abraham!
The big man meant to test you and to have you kill your son
Not hold him 'gainst his will and stick your schwing-shwang in his bum!"
The angel freed my son and then he promptly flew away
But as he did he shook his head, I guess he thought me gay,
My son and wife, their trust dried up - to me their hearts were hardened,
And in this fashion I lived out my days, unloved, unpardoned,
And though it brought me happiness to see my son's life spared
I wish I'd had the chance to plow his youthful derrierre.
User Reviews
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-20 02:10:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-21 17:43:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I threw him on the altar and I stripped his body bare
I tried to calm his mind while I removed my underwear "
This could be the best line I have ever read in my life
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-08 13:28:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
THIS IS THE FUNNIEST THING THAT I HAVE EVAR READ!1
Submitted by paulblakeford (user info) at 2006-03-28 14:08:24 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-03-23 09:08:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like this even better today!
Genius!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-23 08:56:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The poem fits the painting, Thorns...or at least that's how I see it.
I try to build something around whatever image I want to use for this APW thing.
And, unfortunately, whenever I see this painting the first thing I think is "Greek style sex at knifepoint."
So, Stag, you're right - the art deserves better than this.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-03-23 08:45:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-23 08:23:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Ummmm....I'm not sure what to think of this, other that it's creepy how the picture fits your poem.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2006-03-23 03:54:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Holy Shit!!!!??
Someone get out the dart gun....
NOW!!!!!!!!!
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Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-03-23 03:34:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-03-23 02:54:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHA
Mr. Luger of Indiana.... Senator.....
Dear Mr. Linzy:
Thank you for contacting me. I appreciate knowing your thoughts about preserving our public lands and national parks.
President Bush has submitted his fiscal year 2007 budget to Congress and proposed the sale of federal land under the jurisdiction of the U.S. Forest Service. In conjunction with this announcement, on February 28th, the U.S. Department of Agriculture Forest Service announced the start of a public comment period on the list of forest lands that would be available for sale as a proposal to provide funding to reauthorize the Secure Rural Schools and Community Self-Determination Act of 2000. You can review this proposal on the Forest Service website at: <http://www.fs.fed.us/>.
Comments on the proposed list must be received by March 30, 2006, and may be sent by e-mail to SRS_Land_Sales.at.fs.fed.us. Written comments may be sent to: USDA Forest Service, SRS Comments, Lands 4S, 1400 Independence Ave., SW, Mailstop 1124, Washington, DC 20250-0003. Faxed comments should be sent to (202) 205-1604.
I will continue to closely follow the progress of this issue. National parklands are a treasure every American can share. Our breathtaking forests and mountains are world-renowned. As economic prosperity allows citizens and industries to expand in more rural areas, preserving national parks becomes more important than ever. Again, thank you for contacting me.
and my response???
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
You know what you can do with your little reply, Mr. Lugar....
You can shove it up your pompous, self-serving ASS!
That's what you can do!
You know why???
Because your ways are OVER! That's why.
The youth of America are about to SHOCK your ass with lightning so
powerful you won't know what to do with yourself/
FUCK you, and FUCK your president! He's NOT my president. You are
nothing but a little lapdog. I know you, and everyone here in
Evansville, Indiana that I come into contact with knows what you're up
to. I've looked at your voting record, and I'm passing it onto
everyone I know as we fucking speak.
You just keep up the 'good' work, Mr. Senator, and sleep well...sleep
well knowing that Hell Hounds are on your trail. We ARE WATCHING YOU.
NOW, KINDLY DIE!
You don't fucking fool me, and you don't fool anyone else wiht your
bullshit lies about trying to do ANYTHING for this country.
YOU ARE A JOKE.....AND YOU ARE A DISGRACE.
http://www.senate.gov/legislative/LIS/roll_call_lists/vote_menu_109_2.htm
Now kindly die, sir.
That's right....DIE.
Your time is over.
Submitted by midwesternknight (user info) at 2006-03-23 02:39:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The goat/sheep looks like he's a bit jealous that it isn't him getting the reach around
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-03-22 22:03:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BullfuckinShit. The painting is a classic and so is the poem.
Who amongst us can outdo the O-man in Poittrie?
Certainly none of you -2, -1, 0 +1 losers. . . :) :)
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-22 21:55:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Aw. I was hoping for a serious poem. Do you only have so much serious to go around or something, and FUPA took it all?
Besides that, you've done better, that's for sure. And this painting doesn't deserve this sort of thing.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-03-22 19:43:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Yikes!" said Ike, "My Daddy tried to fuck me in the ass,"
Teh Angel came along and said, "Hey Abe Ya got no class."
"The Lord was gigglin' at ya, dude, a-smokin' on a banger,
So put away the fuckin' knife and put away yer wanger."
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-22 19:18:46 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Auto -2 to Jack McCallum's next post.
And I LIKE Jack.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-22 18:46:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
huh
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-03-22 18:42:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I guess somebody pissed in Shlongy's denture cup again.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-03-22 18:39:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
oh i'm definitely just sticking to random creepy stories and sex. stick to what i know, try to do it well. no more dipping toes in strange pools.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-22 18:08:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-22 17:49:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
inion- I hope you don't mean that.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-03-22 18:08:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Know my Isaac biblically
_______________________
Last time I heard "know" in this context was "The Scarlet Letter." +2 for memories of good times.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-03-22 17:55:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll be there, MyTee- bring robes and something holy.
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You mean a condom? It's doesn't work if it has holes dear
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-22 17:50:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll be there, MyTee- bring robes and something holy.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-22 17:49:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
inion- I hope you don't mean that.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-03-22 17:48:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought I did rate your poem, Sacrilicious. Well, I'll do so now. The poetry comp hit me at the worse time because of my work load. I could have done so much more...oh well. Off to rate you...I'll meet you at the alter say around 10?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-03-22 17:44:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i'm never ever ever attempting poetry again.
like your poem of course der...
hate the painting.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-22 17:31:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-03-22 17:12:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
And I've always wanted to strip you down and throw you on an alter. What a small world.
==============
Rate our FUPA posts, MyTee, and I'll throw in some sacramental wine and some frankincense for free.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-03-22 17:12:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-22 16:36:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
I've always wanted to be stripped and thrown bare onto an altar. Sacrilicious.
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And I've always wanted to strip you down and throw you on an alter. What a small world.
Oh, and good poem O'tron
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2006-03-22 17:12:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-22 16:53:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-22 16:28:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
that angel is saying to Abraham, "Can you cut me off a drumstick?"
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Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-03-22 16:44:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BAHAHAHAHAHA I could totally see it once I saw the painting. Somebody call the WAAAAAAAAAAAAAmbulance for Shlongy, I've never seen a grown man whine and cry so much.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-03-22 16:39:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed audibly several times.
+2 you silly poet fucker!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-22 16:36:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Auto -2 to Mussolini.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-22 16:36:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've always wanted to be stripped and thrown bare onto an altar. Sacrilicious.
I like when you teach me things about teh bible in The King O verison.
That man painted scarily and in very pretty colors.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2006-03-22 16:33:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-22 16:30:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, the last APW had a Caravaggio painting in it as well.
Good eye.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-03-22 16:29:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wasn't your last picture a guy getting his head cut off by the same artist, or at least the same style?
What is this baroque? I forget.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-22 16:28:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that angel is saying to Abraham, "Can you cut me off a drumstick?"