Juicy Keaney - SPT (673 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.24 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Alex DeWitt (View user info) at 2006-03-23 08:18:01 EST
I'd like to tell you about a childhood friend of mine, who upon reflection was very strange, but at the time was the best friend a child could have.
His name was Andrew and as well as the psychological peculiarities, he had several strange physical traits as well:
1: His air grew at exactly a 45 degree angle; every hair on his head pointed in the same direction.
2. He walked using toe-heel instead of heel-toe
3 . In times of distress he took comfort by biting his knuckles.
Andrew would only eat boiled carrots peas and mince, and had that for dinner every single night of his life. His parents let him watch 'The Exorcist', 'Predator' and 'Terminator' when he was 11. He shared a bedroom with his older brother, who always slept nude and Andrew nicknamed him 'The Master Blaster'. His bed had bricks under one end, and was covered with a rubber sheet, to allow easy drainage for the frequent times Andrew would piss himself in the night. He said he had a pond in his garden but it was really a Walls ice cream tub filled with rain water and shit where Andrew used to squat over it. He believed the Terminator lived in his dads tool shed and would never go near it. He must have had some mixed up DNA, or given off some kind of pheromones as dogs would chase him wherever he went.
He had a number of trademark phrases that would make Bruce Forsythe ashamed. We all remember them to this day, especially the unique tone and cadence he used when he said them.
In the canteen he would order a "jack-podado...budder 'n' cheese", alternating from a very high to a very low pitch after every 2nd syllable. When excited he would bite his knuckle and sing "ne-ne-ne-ne-neeeeee" repeatedly for hours on end. When he saw a woman with big boobs he would shout "breasts so big as I am". We had another friend whose surname was Keane, and who was a bit chubby, so Andrew used to call him 'Juicy Keaney'. Andrew would sit in class, rubbing his thighs and rocking back and forth, saying with his slight speech impediment 'Juishy Keaney... Juishy Keaney' over and over. One day Juicy Keaney came up to Andrew and said 'if you call me Juicy Keaney one more time, I will rip your arms off and beat you to death with the soggy ends'. Andrew said in a remorseful tone 'don't do dat Juishy Keaney......oopsh'.
Andrew was once indecently assaulted in the alley way behind his home, and I was round his house when he told the police officer about the 'white stuff coming out of the mans willy'. This shouldn't really be funny, it just is.
Andrew genuinely believed he was a ninja, and that it was his destiny to slay the troll population that lived underground in the park. He made a costume which consisted of a pair of swimming goggles with the red and blue lenses from 3D glasses sellotaped into them, black pyjamas, and black gloves, with a big cardboard sign stuck to his back that said DDD. He made this up to stand for 'deadly, dark and dare-some', and he arranged a kind of secret handshake with me, only it was more like semaphore, where we would make signals with our hands and arms whilst saying "triple D". This was the only way to be sure our bodies hadn't been possessed by the spirit of a troll. He frequently used to run around the park trying to find the secret entrance to the troll cave, until he got too scared and pissed himself.
Eventually he moved far away, but I went to visit him years later, wondering if he would have changed at all. When I got to his house he had his pet rat in his pants. Nope, same old Andrew.
User Reviews
Submitted by xanderd (user info) at 2006-03-24 05:16:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
wtf are you guys talking about??!! he will become a 'rap'per like eminem? I am a monster?
He is real, all my posts are true accounts (except the silly story about ninja robots!)
He was one of my best friends at primary school, until he moved to the isle of wight to go to secondary school. I couldnt make up this level of bizzarre detial - smooth_shoes also went to school with us!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-24 04:31:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That's harsh dude, I mean just cause he looks like he's clinically dead doesn't automatically make him a homosexual or a rapist. That's like pointing at some teenager with a zimmer frame and shouting "HAR HAR I BET YOU R GAY!".
Which just isn't laudable.
Alex de Witt is historys biggest monster.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-24 04:28:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Like Brian Peppers eh Berty?
http://thebrianpeppersong.ytmnd.com/
Perhaps you're right. I don't believe this story is real however.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-24 04:24:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-24 04:13:11 (#)
Ranking: 1
Retard humour. And why not?
---------
It's dangerous. Mentally damaged children often develop powerful sex drives during puberty.
Ergo: Retard = Rap-o-matic
Best not too poke it with sticks.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-24 04:13:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Retard humour. And why not?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-23 15:58:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
SHENANIGANS - THIS WAS REALLY YOU
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-03-23 11:38:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
COOL MAN
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-23 10:50:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Your best friend is Electro. Who gives a fuck?
Submitted by DizzyMissus (user info) at 2006-03-23 10:04:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
might be SPT, but made me laugh
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-23 09:51:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
huh
Since it IS Thursday...
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-03-23 08:57:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
haha
Submitted by scornednornery (user info) at 2006-03-23 08:46:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for rat-in-the-pants.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-23 08:45:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by xanderd (user info) at 2006-03-23 08:35:48 (#)
Ranking: 0
of course hes real! All my stories are based on reality. Im not imaginative enough to make this shit up!
I lost contact years ago...thankfully.
-----------------------------
Why do you say 'thankfully'? Did he steal from you? Did he embarass you? Did he tell prospective girlfriends you were his gay lover?
Did you just find him a pathetic and worthless human being, only being 'friends' with him out of pity whilst really you hoped that everyday he would die to free him from the pain of living?
Did you feel you had to look after him and it made you tired? You didn't want to have to take care of your friend anymore? Sometimes mothers feel the same way about their charges. Sometimes they throw them down the stairs.
Do you know what we do with those people? We put them in prison. We say "you failed to look after this person, who was dependant on you. You abused and abandoned your position of trust."
Submitted by xanderd (user info) at 2006-03-23 08:35:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
of course hes real! All my stories are based on reality. Im not imaginative enough to make this shit up!
I lost contact years ago...thankfully.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-23 08:34:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Still funny mind. I liked the laughing at the rape particularly.
But is it rape if you don't actually put it in?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-23 08:33:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
He's not real, is he? I doubt that you've ever known anyone interesting in your life. Anyone interesting you do claim to have met is just imaginary made from charachters out of Adrian Mole.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-23 08:21:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
But was he happy? That's what I want to know.