Am I On Candid Camera?? -or- I Thought I Had Friends, But I Only Have Actors That Play Friends On T.V. (1491 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: uberbook
Rating: 1.9 on 51 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Average_Dan (View user info) at 2006-03-23 09:12:18 EST
Do you ever get that feeling that someone is watching you? What about that feeling that the whole world is watching you, waiting for your response to ridiculous situations in a sick experiment carried out by a government agency that adopted you when you were a baby and made a parody of your life starring Jim Carrey just to throw you off track when you were so close to solving the caper back in '98? NO?! Well, allow me to elaborate.
Some situations that have happened to me lately, really make me sit back and think, "Did that really just happen?" and if it wasn't for the friends/paid actors that are around when they do, I wouldn't believe it myself.
Ex: 1
I moved back to Virginia Beach, Virginia in December. Anxious to re-accustom myself to my new surroundings, I invited some friends out to dinner at a little hole-in-the-wall restaurant in Portsmouth.
The problem with people that live in Va Beach is, they aren't willing to travel outside the borders of their city, even though Portsmouth is only fifteen minutes down the highway. Still, it would seem that there would be no bending of the rule that states: Thou shall not leaveth the city of your abode.
Finally, after months of telling them how great the food was, and the amazing view of the city skyline there is, they finally agreed under the conditions that I would drive, and we could leave there whenever they decided. I assured them that once we got there, they would not want to leave and they would thank me for opening their eyes to a new world.
We arrive at the restaurant on Saturday night, and it is empty, save 2 tables of old couples that, I believe, the restaurant was built around.
Had this place changed that much in the three years since I have been gone? This used to be the hottest spot in Tidewater.
My companions gave me a weary glance, but seeing the floor to ceiling windows, spilling a breathtaking view of the Norfolk skyline, and the fact that the bar was very well stocked, trusted me enough not to walk out at that point.
We ordered a round of drinks and some appetizers for the table and made lovely conversation as we waited for our drinks from the rosy cheeked waitress, with the sweet southern accent.
I ordered a Dewar's on the rocks, one of my favorites, and was eager to sip the sweet liquid as the waitress set it down. I took a long pull from the glass...and spit the foul liquid from my mouth as hard as physically possible. The waitress had served me a low ball glass full of house tequila on the rocks.
Of course, everyone in the restaurant was now staring at my reaction to the drink. The waitress asked me, this time is not such a sweet voice, "What's wrong with the drink son?"
"Well ma'am", I responded with tears in my eyes and a choking in my throat, "I asked for a scotch, and you served me a tequila."
She rolled her eyes and snatched the drink from my outstretched hand. She brought it up to her nose and took a long, deep sniff from the glass. Then she put it to her mouth and took a long pull from the glass, which was immediately followed by a wince.
Looking back towards the bar, the waitress yelled across the restaurant, "Delia, you been purrin' te-kill-ya t'night?"
"I ain't purred a te-kill-ya all night suga", Delia responded in an accent that made me wonder if her Father was also her Brother, and Uncle.
Since we were making this an across the restaurant conversation, I went ahead and yelled back, "But miss, you served this with a salted rim and a lemon wedge", which indeed, she had.
She was simply not convinced.
"I don' care what I sent it out with, slim. I ain't poured no tequila all durn night!"
Upon hearing the argument settled, the waitress slammed the drink right back down in front of me to finish and made it clear that I was not to get another drink until I finished that one.
"You ain't getting' another one 'till you dun with that one!"
I looked hastily around and noticed all eyes on me, waiting eagerly for my reaction. I scanned the corners of the bar, the brooch on the bartender's frock, and the air returns, but couldn't discover the locations of the secret cameras, or microphones. Damn those guys are good.
Ex. 2
My roommate is a whole other story, a gorgeous woman of twenty-four, I just don't see how someone could possibly make it through life with the number of brain cells firing as the number of pistons firing in a Geo Metro Economy Edition. I'm convinced that she has to be either a damn good actress, or a surviving lobotomy patient.
We had a cookout last week during our "Indian Summer" and had a quite good turn out. That brief respite from the Winter's cruel grip was enough to put anyone in the mood for a good ole fashion BBQ.
We were sitting in the back yard around the picnic table drinking some beers after the cooking and eating was done, talking about plans for the upcoming spring with a few close friends. It was a time to be had.
The problem with the South East part of VA is the mosquitoes; therefore we had a Citronella candle burning in the middle of the table to keep the bugs away. It was working well, with the slight exception of nearly blacking me out from the wind blowing the smoke directly in my face.
I declared, "Man, this candle is nearly blacking me out from the smoke".
My sweet roommate replies, "Oh, here you go", and commences to rotate the candle with the intention of the smoke blowing in another direction than at me.
As I sat with a look of utter disbelief at her confused face through a cloud of smoke that was still blowing directly in my face, I pondered the idea that this woman might indeed be this beef-headed, but then, a flashback of earlier that week:
I was sitting in the living room a few days before and my roommate comes storming in the door with a map of the U.S. in her hands and a look of concern on her face.
"What's wrong Nichole?" I ask.
"I just don't understand it." She responds. "Alaska is so cold, but Hawaii is a tropical island right?"
"Yes", I respond somewhat taken aback.
"But they are right next to each other on this map, can you explain that?"
I sit in stunned silence and wait for her to break down and start laughing.
Nothing.
I stared at her, and she just stared right back at me waiting for a response.
I leave the house in an attempt to gain a hold on sanity.
Flash forward to today:
"Did you know that raisins come from grapes?" she asks.
I think the writer's of this reality show are really losing their edge, and I am right on top of them.
I'LL EXPOSE YOU ALL DAMMIT!
User Reviews
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-09-14 04:18:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Talk about giving Nic(h)ole's a bad name!
Fucking mosquitoes.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-03-30 05:30:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahhh HA HA HA HA HA
How did I nearly miss this?!
Excellent. People are funny, hey?
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-03-29 18:57:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-03-23 09:16:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs more camwhore.
Also, need s'more camwhore.
I LOVE AVERAGE_DAN!!!!!
---------------------------------
Teeph,
I promise, a flippin' the bird camwhore in my next post.
Submitted by voodoochild (user info) at 2006-03-24 04:02:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The best part is that it show the relation of alaska to the lower 48 on the bottom of the map.
That's just Classic!
Submitted by kimberly (user info) at 2006-03-24 03:59:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-03-24 03:43:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-03-23 21:35:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Of course it is Anansie.
Not the richmond one, but either nd804.at.hotmail.com -or- average.dan.at.gmail.com
Submitted by ferret (user info) at 2006-03-23 20:10:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would have asked the waitress if she wanted a sno-cone and asked her to close her eyes. After she spit my dick out of her mouth I would have told her, "Cock?!! I haven't served cock alllll fucking night. Now you have to finish that first, before you can have any more sno-cones."
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-03-23 20:06:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-03-23 19:49:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dan, is your email the same?
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-03-23 19:18:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes= I've actually been there, it was a strange and beautiful place
Sacrilicious- I swear she said that, and then she had hours of laughter about how dumb I was when I told her that prunes came from plumbs. What an idiot I must be!
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2006-03-23 19:07:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sometimes I feel the same way...
always wanted to go to the mexican province of russia. that'd be swell.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-03-23 17:08:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Shlongy, I'll put a spot on that map just for you and email it to you.
Anansie- i'm sorry lady, I tried very hard on this post. I was so dissapointed to see only a 1.5 from you. :( RATINGS ARE MY LIFE, DO YOU WANT ME TO KILL MYSELF??!?!
Mytee1- I shine that sumbitch up with bowling wax. How else do you think??
CrysTle- THAT BITCH IS FUCKING RETARDED, SHE'S BEEN WORKING AT HOOTERS FOR 6 GODDAMN YEARS AND IT'S GOING TO HER HEAD!
Mike002945270598- I love you and miss you too you sexy bastard.
sacrilicious-I wanto rapoist you!
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-03-23 16:57:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah!
thank you, thank you, thank you for something to read!
and I'm looking forward to many many more stories involving the roommate.
Submitted by AllyJeans (user info) at 2006-03-23 16:30:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was really entertaining.
If those bitches tried to force their tequilla on me, I'd up end it on the bar and laugh.
"Dun!"
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-03-23 16:23:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I never noticed this before, but Georgia and Missouri are almost exactly the same shape. O MY GOD SO ARE COLORADO AND WYOMING, THAT'S SO CREEPY
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-03-23 16:09:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Here. At least you fucking tried.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2006-03-23 16:06:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You big bald faggoty tequila drinkger
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-03-23 15:22:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Something's missing. Not sure what.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-23 15:16:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Where's my house? What kind of map IS this?
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-03-23 15:00:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yup...my friend actually asked me the other day how I don't cut my hand on the beer bottle cap. I explained to her she should twist the cap the other way. Feel your pain brother.
And speaking of which, how do you get your head so shiny? Mine never gets shiny.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-03-23 13:14:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-03-23 10:07:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-03-23 09:14:01 (#)
Ranking: -2
I wonder if the UberBrits will get the geography part of this post?
---------
Uh... yup.
In much the same way, Shetland can often be found floating off Hull.
Get that!
------------------------------------------------
See, that's why I said that, I have no clue about Shetland, Hull, or any other British "state". You make me sad that I am dumb :(
ubetidid: I go to Dowtown Norfolk all the time. I love it there. Where in particular were you referring to? I go to Guadalahara, Scotty Quigs, Hells Kitchen, pretty much anywhere on Granby. I love it there.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-03-23 13:10:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i love stupid broads.
^to make fun of^
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-03-23 13:01:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by xanderd (user info) at 2006-03-23 12:43:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
good!
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-03-23 12:35:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Come to downtown Norfolk next time, good restaurants, night life. We'll be glad to give you a ticket while you're having dinner. We love to give VAB residents tickets. WELCOME BACK TO TIDEWATER!!!
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2006-03-23 11:59:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy hell.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-03-23 11:47:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This feeling happens to me a lot.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-03-23 11:27:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Was just in VA Beach, last weekend. I ate at the Smokey Bones restaurant. I was accosted by waitress at Keagan's. I caught a nasty sinus infection.
The end.
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-03-23 10:55:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes, ha ha ha.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-23 10:52:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by evesapple (user info) at 2006-03-23 10:50:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-23 10:46:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2006-03-23 10:42:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What's her number?
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-03-23 10:30:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
someone give that girl a brain
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-03-23 10:24:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dee-lightful
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-23 10:23:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-23 09:36:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-23 09:19:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm American, but I still got it.
===============
Stagger, either you missed a word here, or you've been lying to us. Do you know how careful I've been to read your posts in an Aussie accent?
"Did you know raisins came from grapes?" - Truly? She said this? She reminds me of someone I know.
-------------------
Whoops. Yes, that was supposed to read "I'm not American, but I still got it." Otherwise, the sentence doesn't even make sense.
My accent's not that thick anyway. You could probably instantly tell I'm Aussie, though.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-03-23 10:07:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-03-23 09:14:01 (#)
Ranking: -2
I wonder if the UberBrits will get the geography part of this post?
---------
Uh... yup.
In much the same way, Shetland can often be found floating off Hull.
Get that!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-23 10:02:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahhh, how I've missed the life and times of Average Baldy posts.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-23 09:53:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gotta love Southern barmaids.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-03-23 09:42:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have missed you Dr. Evil.
I would also like to arrange a meeting with your roommate.
Submitted by DizzyMissus (user info) at 2006-03-23 09:39:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This uberbrit gets it
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-23 09:36:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-23 09:19:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm American, but I still got it.
===============
Stagger, either you missed a word here, or you've been lying to us. Do you know how careful I've been to read your posts in an Aussie accent?
"Did you know raisins came from grapes?" - Truly? She said this? She reminds me of someone I know.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-03-23 09:33:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
But on the map they are right next to each other.
Go British education WOOOOO.
-Dave
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-03-23 09:20:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-03-23 09:16:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs more camwhore.
Also, need s'more camwhore.
I LOVE AVERAGE_DAN!!!!!
----------------------------------------
I hearby swear to put a balding, shiny camwhore in the next post.
That way everyone can make me feel bald and...shiny again?
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-23 09:19:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm American, but I still got it.
Also, Citronella doesn't work for fuck. Useless, useless shit. At best, it does nothing. At worst, it smokes up the place.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-03-23 09:16:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
HAR HAR GLOBAL WARMING
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-03-23 09:16:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs more camwhore.
Also, need s'more camwhore.
I LOVE AVERAGE_DAN!!!!!
Submitted by swamp_donkey (user info) at 2006-03-23 09:15:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-03-23 09:14:01 (#)
Ranking: -2
I wonder if the UberBrits will get the geography part of this post?
--------------
They will blame it on global warming.
Submitted by swamp_donkey (user info) at 2006-03-23 09:14:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"But they are right next to each other on this map, can you explain that?"
Right after that question, you should have been responding to the police officer asking why you punched her in the mouth.
I LOVE AVERAGE_DAN!!!!!
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-03-23 09:14:01 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I wonder if the UberBrits will get the geography part of this post?