From the Archives... (1058 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesLabels: short_stories
Rating: 1.2 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Axolotl (View user info) at 2006-03-24 09:58:42 EST
In between posting 1700s lesbian porn, total shit, and my FUPA entry, I've decided to post a story.
But ha ha rabbit! It's an old one!
This is one of my first-ever stories I wrote, back in November of 2004. It's based off a true story I heard at James Fort in Ireland in August 2003, and written as the tour guide told my group, with minor creative liberties. It was when I wasn't yet writing stories on a regular basis, but just experimenting with the format.
Looking back on it a year and a half later, I can see a lot of changes I would have made. I was 14, nearing 15 when I wrote this, and it definitely wasn't as polished as my more recent stories.
In short, this is an amateurish effort at drama, with horrible dialogue, description, and is all in all poorly written. At least, when I look back on it.
Enjoy. Or point and laugh, whichever you prefer.
-------------------------------------------------
Colonel Heath had a great deal to be happy about; not only had he been commissioned the command of an entire fortress of His Majesty, his daughter Mary was getting married within the week to the handsome and brilliant Lieutenant Forsythe. Such a match was made in heaven, Heath thought, as he looked out the window towards the city of Kinsale and out across the English Channel.
The wedding took place in the barracks chapel, with the soldiers as an audience, and the battalion's chaplain proceeding.
"Do you, Jonathan Forsythe, take Mary Heath to be your lawfully wedded wife?"
"I do."
"And do you, Mary Heath, take Lieutenant Forsythe to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
"I do," wispered Mary, her face shining in joy. In the back of the room, her father watched with pride.
The newlyweds kissed, and the party began. The men and women danced on the floor; the soldiers performed awkwardly as many had been serving in King George's army since their teenage years. The wine was abundant, and the feasting was sumptuous and so hospitable that the soldiers were brought to tears.
It came to pass that Lieutenant Forsythe, was taking a break from the party and walking alone on the rampart of the fortress, thinking about the life to come with his new wife, beautiful, intelligent, and the daughter of a colonel. His eyes passed over the stacks of cannonballs and out to Kinsale Harbor and Ireland's green fields past the city itself, with narrow streets and cheery populace. Then he spotted the rose.
It peeked up from a crack in the forboding walls of the fort; it was a miracle it was able to grow at all. Forsythe longed to present it to his Mary, but it was six feet down the wall, resting on a small ledge. Past that, it was a fifty-foot freefall to the Atlantic Ocean. Though he was only twenty-six, officer's weren't trained to climb over ramparts; that was the regulars' job.
Running back down into the courtyard, Forsythe searched around, but all were inside at the party. All except one.
There was a sentry standing guard at the gateway, bayonet fixed and rifle shouldered, faithfully watching the only entrance to the fort. There might be a rebellion against the English rule, like there were for the last five hundred years, and the sentry would be the only guard against that.
"Not inside at the party?" Forsythe asked.
"No sir," the sentry dutifully answered.
"Here's a deal," Forsythe persisted affably. "Up on that ledge there by the barrack's roof and a meter or so down the ledge is a red rose; if you get that for me, for you are a younger man, I'll take your post here at the sentry booth for a half-hour or so so that you can join in the party,"
The sentry smiled in pride and saluted, saying, "Can do, sir! Most gracious," and scurried off into the night, leaving behind his rifle.
"Don't fall asleep!" he called jokingly back. "It's the noose for you if you do!"
Forsythe examined the Brown Bess flintlock musket and sat down in the sentry's chair. It had been a while since he had seen action on the front lines; it had been just a minor skirmish back during the War of the Spanish Succession. He leaned back and put the sentry's cap over his face, shielding his face from the light shining out of the hall where the party was. He promptly fell asleep.
"Where the devil is my son-in-law," Colonel Heath muttered, pacing across the courtyard. "He's missing the party, the fool."
As he prepared to mount the stairs leading up to the ramparts, he heard a snore behind him. Turning around, he saw that a sleeping man was in the sentry box.
Heath walked calmy over to the box and peered inside; the sentry was fast asleep with his hat over his face. An absolute disgrace to the British Army.
"Damn it all, did I fight in Marlborough's army to see you sleeping here when you're suppposed to be on guard?" Heath said irritably, drawing a pistol. Hesitating a moment, Heath paused, gun raised in the air.
He squeezed the trigger, and in a blaze of smoke and fire, the bullet whizzed through the hat and into the sentry's head. He jumped in his chair and fell to the ground, twitching and bleeding.
The music stopped back at the party, and a crowd of people walked out to see. Head in a cloud of smoke, Colonel Heath looked somberly at them and started to walk back towards the feast, passing his daughter on the way.
"He's dead, Mary,"
"There has to be a way to help him"
Heath shook his head and continued on, and was at the threshhold of the door when he heard his daughter scream. Turning briskly around, he saw her cradling her husband's head in her arms, her tears mixing with the brains and blood that covered his young face.
She looked up at her father for a single, quivering moment, then broke off into a run up the ramparts, across the balconies. Stopping at the end of the wall, she threw herself off before the eyes of the partygoers and plunged sixty feet down the cliff into the Atlantic Ocean.
Heath slowly reached into his jacket, grasping his other pistol...he would certainly be needing this one. With a mighty roar, Heath swallowed the barrel of the gun and killed himself in the party hall while the guests looked on.
The local Irish fisherman caught an interesting catch a few days later. A young girl, partially decomposed, but recognizable as Mary Heath, the daughter of the commander of James Fort. In her pallid left hand she clutched a red, red rose.
----------------------------
It's painful to read though that this many months later, when I'm older, more mature...
...well, I think joining Uber has lowered my maturity level even less that it was, but that's besides the point.
If you're going to flame this, at least leave an interesting comment. It's no fun to read -2no comment over and over. Give a nice insult!
Coming up soon: my FUPA entry, and a fat American pubis!
User Reviews
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-21 18:01:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm being serious when I say that this is the best flashfile I have ever seen!!
I think about this almost as much as i think about t3h seXXor
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-25 21:19:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-03-25 14:33:54 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-24 11:08:46 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-03-24 10:10:12 (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
-------
What was your reason this time?
----
Because I felt like it.
------------
lol omg wtf
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-03-25 16:12:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One of my favorite Spielberg quotes about his movies: 'I make movies firstly for myself, and secondly for people that aren't good at math.'
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-03-25 14:33:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-24 11:08:46 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-03-24 10:10:12 (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
-------
What was your reason this time?
----
Because I felt like it.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-24 23:30:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-03-24 23:05:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
"How many times have you let your tongue go slip
From the grin in your teeth and the cracks of your lips
I never heard such nerve before
But you better spill slowly through the cracks of my pores
Just to please you honey, just to please you honey
And how many times have you let your tongue go slip
From the grin in your teeth and the cracks of your lips"
-----
Le gasp!
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-03-24 23:05:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"How many times have you let your tongue go slip
From the grin in your teeth and the cracks of your lips
I never heard such nerve before
But you better spill slowly through the cracks of my pores
Just to please you honey, just to please you honey
And how many times have you let your tongue go slip
From the grin in your teeth and the cracks of your lips"
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-24 18:12:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-03-24 17:45:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
You should go into the movie business with only this as a resume.
----
I could show how I improved Spielberg's work!
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-24 18:12:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-03-24 17:57:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed, I cried, I shoved a lamp in my ass and giggled like a school girl.
------
Schoolgirls do giggle, don't they?
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-03-24 17:57:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed, I cried, I shoved a lamp in my ass and giggled like a school girl.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-03-24 17:45:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should go into the movie business with only this as a resume.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-24 16:58:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
<BR>
<PRE>
Easy as pie.
Just kickin' back havin' a coke and a smile,
Hoping BartBart won't ban me for this.
.....uuuxuouuuuuuuuuu.....
..xnHHMM$5$$$$$$$$$R$$$$$$$$$$$$NWbeou..
.::!!H!MMMMM5$888888888M8888888BB$$$$$$$$$$$$Neu.
.<!!!!!!!!H@M**#"##T?????!!!???TTTTT###*R$$$$$$$$$$Nu
:!!!!!!!!!!!!!)xxuoiX!~~`````)???!!!!!!!!?TT#*$$$$$$$$k
dX!!!!!!!!)>!:H#"???"!..::::!!:!!!<~!!::()!!!!!!?T*$$$$R
?$U!!!!!<!XWiix:xxxxxXX(..<???X()Xud%:::/`!!:::)!!!?T*#)
:8$NiX!!!!!!""""""""?##!**@@****##"">!!!~---!!!!!<!!XxH6
9$$$$$RHnx:::~~<<:<<<<<<<<:<~~~~~~<<<<<<<:<:~<<(:xHX88$$k
:$$$$$$$NN@WQSXXx+<x<::.L::..:::::.....:<x+:nHS88NN$$$$$$$
t$$$$$$$$$$$$NNNWWUQXQXXS?!??!????XXXUUWWWWWNN$$$$$$$$$$$$L
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$NNN8NNNNNN$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$>
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$R$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$k
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$7$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$&T$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$XR$$$$$$$$R$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$?QR& $$$$$$$R ?T*$$$$Z.$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$B?$$M ?$$$$$$$ T#$$U.R$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$.?$R $$$$$$R 9NWX ?$% #$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$W.TR RZ#$$$B ?R$$WX R$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$N.?%X9$N.#$$X TRB$$WX XXW$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$RX ?#$$$W.#$NX ?TMR$W?#$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$# ?HX ?T*$$U?#$NU ? $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$R X$WX ?T*NW.R$NWUX X$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$R X$$$$NU ?T% R$$$$WXM$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$X X$$$$$$$WUX "T*R$$N T$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$X X$$$$$$$$$$$WUXX 9$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$&X8$$$$$$$$$$$R*#RH UxX XU$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$B?#*$$$$$$$$$R XWiU ?#$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$RX WWQ R$$$$$B ?*$MXWWUT*$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$X W#$$WU R$$$$X ?X$$$$NX#$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$& RW $$$N #$$$$WX ?T*$$R ?$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$X R$6 R$$ R$$$$RtX 9$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$WX #$NW $$$R#T?R*NUUXXXU$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$NX ?$$$$$$$R tNNWbU2TR$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$W ?*$$$$$B ?*$B$$$WX#$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$NX ?#$$$$UX ??T$$$$W?$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$U ?#R$$$UX ?R$$$H?$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$WX ?#*$$NWWUB$$R 9$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$R$NU ?T#**R$*T? 9$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ ?T$NUX X$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$U $$$NWUX U@$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$RNW$$$$$$$NWWWWWWN$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ ?TR$$$T*$$$$$$$$$$R$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$" ?#$$W2#$$$$$$$Rt$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ NNUX "T*H?#$$$$R $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$X.#$NWX ? R$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$NX ?R$$NWX X$$R $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$W. ?#R$$W?h$$$? R$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$R*R$WX ??? R$$ X$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ N.?#$WX 9$$ X$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$X.RWU$$$WXHWW$$$ W$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$NX.TR$$$$$W7$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$WX T#$$$$R R$$& $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$X ?TT? X$$B $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$TITR$$$**R$XWX. .W$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$RX$U R$? .....$$NWW$$$$$ 9$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$?R$W@$X $$R9N6.*$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$X #$$$$X ?t$$$$N.#$$$$$$ M$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$X T$$$$WX ?#R$$$X.$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$X MR$$$$WX ??? X$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$U? ?R$$$$NW:. XW$$$$$ 9$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$U ?TR$$$$$NWWN$$$$$$ 9$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$NX 7#R$$$$$$$$$$$R 9$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$WU ""?T#*$$$$*#" X$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$"
?$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$N6 X$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$F
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$W6 XW$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
'$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$NWWWWW@$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$"
'"$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$R"
#$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$#
T$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
T$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$?
?$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$?
?$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$%
</PRE>
<A NAME="1702790">
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-24 16:58:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
<PRE>
Harry Caray Woo!
888888888888O888888OOOOO88888OOOOOOOOO88D888OZOZZZZO88DN8O888888D8D888888888OOOO
8888888888888888OO88O88O888888OOOOO8888DD888OOOOOOOO88ND8O8O8888D8D88888888OOOOO
888888888888888OOOOOO88O888888OO888888888888OOOOOZOO8DND888O8888D8D888OO8OOOOOOO
8888888D8888888888888O888888888O888888888888O8OOOOOO8DND88O88888DD8888OOOOOOOOOO
8D88888888888888888888888888888888D8O8ZO8888OOOOOOO8DDN88O8O8888D8O88OOO8888OOOO
8888DD8888888888888888888OZ$I,..,::~~I+ZZZI+=~~:==?ODDN88O8O8888D8O888OOO8OOOOOO
D888D88888888O888888888ZZ,....,,..::::+~===++?=+==?+=ZD88OO888OOD888OOOO8O888O8O
88D88888888888888OOZ7=,,..........,,:,::,::==?~~,::~?++O8OOO88OOD888OOOO888OOOOO
888888888888D888OOO,.....,,........,=::~+++~~=,:....,~?IOOOO8888D888888O8OOOOOOO
88888888D88D88OOOZ~,....:,,.......,~~:~=++I7+=~:,...,,:+ZOO88888D8888OOOOOOOOOOO
88888888888DD888O,.. ...,........,:,~~~+=????+=~~,...,:~+O88888ODD88888OOOO8OOOO
8D88D8DD888D888O7,.................,,:~=~+7++II+::,...,:~7O8OO888D8888O8888OO88O
DD88D88D88888888+, ...,...........,,,,::~=+++?I7==,...,:==$OOOO8DD888888O888O8O8
8D8DDDDDD8D888OO:.....:,...........,,:::==++II$$I+=,,.,~+=?O8OOO8D8888888O88OO8O
88D88DD8DD88888O.....,,.,,.......,.,,:::~=?II7$OII=~,.,~~+?O8OO8888888888888OO88
88888DDDDD888888,...,:,,,,.........,,,,:~~+?I7OO$7+=~::~=+?OOOO88888888O88888OO8
8888888888888888:..,:,,,............,,,:=+7??7ZZOZOZ7?==+?+Z8O88888888OOOOOOOOO8
88888DD8D88888O8:..::::,.............,::~==??+I7Z8OOZZ?+??IO8O88888D8OOOZO8OOOOO
8DDD8888888888O8:,,~:,:,.....,........,,~~=+?IIIZ88D8OO8$7$O8O888D8D88OO88888888
DD888D888888888O~:~=,,,..............,~~+?Z8DNNNOD8NNNNN8DZZ8888888D8888OOO8O888
88888D88D888D88O$==~:~=+=~,........+,.+888DDNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN8OO8DDD8D888OOO8OOOO8
888888DDD8888888NNNN8$+,::7DM8$ZZDND?,.:77$ZONNNNNNNNDDNNNND8888DD8DD888OOOOOO8O
888888D88888888NNDNNZ8$?:~==?+NNNNNND+?ZDNNDZO8NDNNNNNNNNNND888DDD8DD888OOOOO888
D8888888888D888NNNNNNOI++?ZZZIONDNNND+==~=??$$ZDDMNNNNNNNNN88888DDDDDD8O8OO88O88
D88888888888888NN8DD$7??~:,=++O=:IN88=~=?=?++I$Z8NNNNNNNNNN8888DDDDDDD8888888888
88888888888O88O8MO88DI~:::,~==N?~:ZNO=,::,:~=+IZOMNNNNNNNNN8888DDDDDDDDD88888D88
888888888888888ONIZOO~::~~~,,+O~~=IZNZ=,...:~=IOZNNNNNNNNNDD8888D8DDDD8D88OO8888
OO888888888888OODM+ZZ+:,....:N=~~=I$NIMO7~::~~+NNNNNNNNNDNDD888D88DDDD88888OO888
8888888OO8888O8OOZ88=~:,::=ND~~=::?$Z7$NZ$$?==?ZD8NNNNNNN88DD88DDDDDDD888OOO8888
O888OOOOO88888OOOOZZZ:~,,,?Z:~?+~?IZNNDZ?I+~~=+7$OONNNNN888DD88DDDDDDD8888888888
OOOOOOOO88OO8OOOZZZZZ:~~~=$=::::,:=:~+??77I+=~:I??ZNNNNND8DDDDDDDDDN88D888888888
OOOOOOZ8OOOOOOOOOOZZZ:,~~=O~~=~~~=+=?77$888+,,,+~=Z8NNNND8DDDDDDDNDDDDDD88888888
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOZZZ=,,:~$::+O.......+D$II=:,,=+=ZONNNNODDDDDDDDDNND8D8888888O8
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOZZZZ,,,,==:~+8==:==~=??7?=:,,=+=$$NNNN8DNNN88D8DDND88888888O88
OOOOOZOOOOOOOOOOOOZOOO=,,,:+,:~~:,..:~+I??=~,,:?:=?DNNNND8NNNND88DDDD88D8OOO8OOO
OOOOZZZOOZOOOOZZOZOOOOO:,,:~.,:~~~~~=~~~+=~~,:~O,+ONNNNDDD8DNNNND8DDD88D88O8O8OO
OZOOOZOOOZOOOOZZOOZOZOO8,::,.,,:~:,.,,:~~~~:~=$$:INNNNNDDDDDNNNNNDND88888OOO8OOO
OOOOZZOOOZOOZOZZOOOZOO88Z,,,.,,,,::,,,:~~~~=I8D=+NNNNNNDD8DDNNNNNMNDD8888OOOOOOO
OZZZZZZZZOZZOOOZOOZOO888OO:,:,,,,,:.,,,~=++$N8I~ONNNND88O88ZNNNNNMNMN8O88OOOZOOO
OOZZZZZZZOZZOZZOZOOOO8O8OZZ$:,~:::~~+++?I$8D7II$NNNNOOZ$ZZZDNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOO
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZOZZOOO8O88OOOOO$::,=I7$?=+++==?IO8NN8$IIII$7INNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDOOOO
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZOOOOO8OOONNNN.=~~:~~~~=+=++7OZND$+~=+++?=NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
ZZ$ZZ$ZZZ$ZZZZZZZOOOO8NNNNNNNN:.==+?+==+?7?$7ZOZ,,:~~~~~:NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
ZZZZZZZZZ$ZOZZZZOODNNNNNNNNNNN+..~:==I$7==:=$...,,,,,,::NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
ZZZZZZ$$ZZOZZZZ8NNNNNNNNNNNNNO....?::~~,:=,..........,:8NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
ZZZZZZZZ$ZZZONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDZ... .+~:,.. ..........,?NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
ZZZ$ZZZ$ZZNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDD,.... .... ............,NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
ZZZ$ZZ$8NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDD..... .=77. ...........DNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
ZZZ$ZONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDD?. ...77III............8NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
ZZZ$ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNND.. ...$I?7O7......... ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
ZZZ$NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDD.. ..,$+I$8D=...... .=DNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
ZZZDNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNND$.. ..?7+I8DD8.... =DNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
ZZZNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN+.. .OI7OD8D..... ,DNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
ZZONDNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDD~... .$$8$88O7 .. ..DNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
ZZDNDNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNO:....I$IIZ8DO=.. ..INNNNNNNNNNNND7$DD8NNNNNNNNNNNNNN
ZZ8NNDNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDZ:...=ZI+?ZO8O.......DNNNNNNNNNNNN~~Z?...NNNNNNNNNNNNN
OZ8NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNND$~...87+?7$88Z.. ..DDNNNNNNNNNNNND.$,IDNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
OZONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN8$~..OO7?+7OO8O.. ..DNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN77IDDNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
ZO8NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNO$=.I8Z???$OOO$....8DNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
ZZDNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDOZ=,OZ$I??7ZOO+. .$DNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
ZONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOO?8OZI+?I$OOZ...+DNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
ZONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN88OO$77??I$ZZO..:DNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
ZZNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDD8Z$7I??IZOOI..DDNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
</PRE>
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-24 16:54:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I have a good post coming up. Not a shit post, a GOOD post:
Saturday night: FUPA entry
Monday morning: GOOD POST
Tuesday: Back to shitposts, more fat pubises
Wednesday: Still wanna talk shit???
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-24 16:02:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-03-24 14:51:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
comment
----
But what kind of comment?
Yes? No?
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-03-24 14:51:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-24 13:31:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Top 20 most viewed messages
1. Uberhistory 2005 5162
2. Uberhistory 2003 3330
3. Uberhistory 2004 3268
4. Uberhistory 0102 2826
5. Battle of Uber 2734
6. Uberhistory 9900 2461
7. Paranoia 2383
8. A little about me 2125
9. Random Pictures 1976
10. Real Men Don't Shave Their Legs 1767
11. An Obscene Vulgar Attack 1744
12. Uberhistory 2006 1718
13. Hot Lesbian Porn 1676
14. Naked Picutres 1616
15. -2 that deserves _2s 1318
649 hits per post
24 reviews per post
Top 5 posts account for 20.3% of total hit count
Top 10 posts account for 32.9% of total hit count
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-24 13:20:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Everything you ever wanted to know about Axolotl
User id: 19539
Registered on or around: 2005-06-08 17:12:08
# Messages posted: 131
# Reviews written: 2486
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 3234
# Hits: 85093
Average rating of all messages: 1.50
-----
Reference Point for future knowledge
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-24 12:54:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-24 12:48:00 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-24 11:22:14 (#)
Ranking: 1
The animated gif netted this a +1.
------
lol weep dies
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-24 12:48:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-24 11:22:14 (#)
Ranking: 1
The animated gif netted this a +1.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-24 12:28:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-24 12:27:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
Probably because it would be almost impossible to find those little testes...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
weeps
I had a prodigious puberty. I was nearly fully developed by the age of 12.
SO THERE
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-24 12:27:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Probably because it would be almost impossible to find those little testes...
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-24 12:25:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-24 12:21:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck the story...funny slide show.
-----
My thoughts exactly.
I want to go back in time and punch my 14-year-old self in the testicles, but that would not be coo.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-24 12:21:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck the story...funny slide show.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-24 12:20:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-03-24 12:14:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't read the story, I'm sure it was great, but that slideshow made me piss my pants. Now I have to get my car shampooed again. Dick.
-----
Well, the story was a bit suck. Sorry about pissing in the car, you should have let your tally-whacker out the window instead.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-03-24 12:14:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't read the story, I'm sure it was great, but that slideshow made me piss my pants. Now I have to get my car shampooed again. Dick.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-24 11:28:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-24 11:22:14 (#)
Ranking: 1
The animated gif netted this a +1.
----
Fair enough
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-24 11:22:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
The animated gif netted this a +1.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-24 11:09:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-03-24 10:33:02 (#)
Ranking: 0
Needs more.
----
It was done a while ago. I would have changed it a lot if I wrote it now.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-24 11:08:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-03-24 10:10:12 (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
-------
What was your reason this time?
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-03-24 10:33:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Needs more.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-03-24 10:10:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-24 10:02:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-03-24 10:00:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
---------
Co nomment
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-03-24 10:00:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-24 09:59:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Pubis: Greatest word ever. Thank you Caul!