FUPA Round 2 - Jack the Cutter (854 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.04 on 54 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Stagger Lee (View user info) at 2006-03-24 10:59:28 EST
They hung Jack the Cutter on an overcast day
With the ravens circling under threat of rain
All the children scattered crumbs beneath his feet
The birds ate the bread when they finished with the meat
They caught him upstate hiding in a barn
On the northern edge of McGovern's farm
Well he fought and kicked and caused a bunch of trouble
He struck Earl McGovern with a rusty shovel
You know he'd been on the run for 20 days
Long was his cunning and crafty were his ways
And the list of his crimes was longer than his arms
A miserable litany of all those he'd brought to harm
On the trail under the star-strewn sky
He'd sit by the fire, cut himself and cry
He was six foot seven, built like a wall
But he sat beneath those stars and he bawled
He'd shanked a man with a broken glass
While the crowd in the bar shuffled past
Blood ran from his neck and pooled in Jack's hand
Jack left the bar calmly, Jack never ran
He'd kidnapped a little girl and tortured her for hours
Put her broken body in a cairn and covered it with flowers
Camped there that night, drinking whiskey from a bottle
And when morning came he'd almost forgotten
He met a couple so old they were nearly blind
He was friendly for a week, broke their necks with a smile
From her dresser drawer he stole a silver locket
From his, a golden watch that he kept in his pocket
So they put him on trial, yeah, up on the stand
He refused to speak a word to woman or man
In addition he wouldn't enter a plea
His guilt hung in courtroom the air for all to see
The judge said, "Perhaps he was an unloved child,
Maybe his father beat him and his mother didn't smile,
I care not; hang this wretch by the neck,
Take this evil filth out and hang him 'til he's dead."
They took him away in the back of a cart
The crowd pelted him with rocks and glass and darts
They put him in the cell for the soon-to-be-deceased
He refused to repent, declined to see a priest
Jack spent the night awake; he never slept
He stared and the darkened ceiling and he wept
Jack wept until light broke through his window
Then they came and took him away to the gallows
They hung Jack the Cutter on an overcast day
With the ravens circling under threat of rain
All the children scattered crumbs beneath his feet
The birds ate the bread when they finished with the meat
User Reviews
Submitted by WatchMyStep (user info) at 2007-05-10 00:04:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-05-06 14:26:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-05-06 14:24:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-05-06 14:14:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This oldie tells a great tale, and deserves more hits and a higher rating.
------------------------------
Your comment gave it a lower rating.
********
Then Uber is fucked up. How can a +2 lower the rating?
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-05-06 14:24:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-05-06 14:14:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This oldie tells a great tale, and deserves more hits and a higher rating.
------------------------------
Your comment gave it a lower rating.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-05-06 14:14:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This oldie tells a great tale, and deserves more hits and a higher rating.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-21 02:13:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't like you, but Orgasmatron does.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-29 09:51:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Hot_For_Teacher (user info) at 2006-03-29 09:03:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
whoa.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-27 22:18:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like this more every time I read it.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-27 14:19:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
1.75
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-26 23:14:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree that the rhythm could use work, but your skill as a writer is awesome. Som great imagery here.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-26 23:13:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
1.5
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-26 22:46:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Cheers, CATAL.
On another note, Shlongy reviewed this post 4 times after saying he was leaving it.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2006-03-26 01:43:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought the ryhmes and flow were great man. I really liked it and this was exactly what I was talking about. You even did a good job so when there wasn't a ryhme, the words stilll sounded similar. At least in my head. I thought it flowed great.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2006-03-26 01:40:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was gonna give this a +1 then I finished it and gave it a +2.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-03-25 22:15:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-25 20:53:59 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-03-25 19:21:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
The poem told a good story, although the rhythm was a bit off.
Count the syllables per line on your fingers if you need to...
---------------------------------------------------------------
I know the rhythm was off, and I've been known to count syllables. Last round however, most people suggested I not use such a strict structure, so I didn't.
_________________________________________________________________
Screw those people. Read O-man's poems. Read mine. Read the historical masters of the craft.
Most of them stick to a strict structure. . .
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-25 20:53:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-03-25 19:21:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
The poem told a good story, although the rhythm was a bit off.
Count the syllables per line on your fingers if you need to...
---------------------------------------------------------------
I know the rhythm was off, and I've been known to count syllables. Last round however, most people suggested I not use such a strict structure, so I didn't.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by toucan_sam (user info) at 2006-03-25 13:27:20 (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
---------------
Cheers, mate. I'll work on that. Thanks for the input.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-03-25 19:21:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The poem told a good story, although the rhythm was a bit off.
Count the syllables per line on your fingers if you need to...
Submitted by toucan_sam (user info) at 2006-03-25 13:27:20 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-03-25 13:25:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-25 12:52:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by midwesternknight (user info) at 2006-03-24 23:27:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it, the first stanza threw off the rythym maybe should of rhymed something with day
------
Damn. 'rain' was supposed to rhyme with 'day'. Oh well.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-03-25 10:46:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Sounds like my typical Saturday night.
Submitted by midwesternknight (user info) at 2006-03-24 23:27:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it, the first stanza threw off the rythym maybe should of rhymed something with day
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-03-24 17:53:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
nice story, but i agree regarding the rhythm.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-24 15:47:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Check "up your ass".
Submitted by N1NJ4 (user info) at 2006-03-24 15:39:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey, I just submitted a page of work to ubersite, but how do i tell if it even worked?
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-03-24 15:27:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+1. Stagger, judging from the reasonable reviews below (some yours), you could've tightened it up a bit. I went with 2 'cause I think this deserves better than 0.6 on 27 reviews.
Yeah, everyone else, I know it's not the best way to rate, but dammit I'm trying to clean up the soup -> http://www.ubersite.com/m/85706#1899984
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-24 15:26:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-24 12:01:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
'Possibly' is a long way from fact, dear chum.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-24 11:47:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"Not content with being the first person to be disqualified from a poetry competition (possibly in the entire world)..."
You really think that MAYBE, this was a first "world wide"???
AWESOME!!!
I'm famous!
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-24 11:45:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, no, Shlongy! Don't leave! I crave you and your opinions! I have nothing but respect for you as a writer and a reader! Please!
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-24 11:45:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-24 11:30:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
Poetry blows, but as a fan and defender of Shlongyism, I will lead you to FUPA victory with a barrage of +2's, even for random shit like this!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-24 11:44:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Oh, and I apologize for any snot that I may have left on the window pane.
Let me get one of my peon-minions to clean it up.
redskieslookfake...wipe up that loogie.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-24 11:43:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Swell! At least you're getting some attention, right?
Well, you WERE...Now I'm bored with this. Buh bye.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-24 11:42:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like Shlongy. Not content with being the first person to be disqualified from a poetry competition (possibly in the entire world) - he is now hanging around sneering at other posts, all the while he leaves little nose marks on the windows as he gazes on enviously. I'm not a big poetry person myself, which is why I didn't enter the competition. I'm content to wander past, drop the odd +2 or -2 depending on my fancy, then wander off waiting for JonnyX to post some more soft porn which I can idly browse.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-24 11:41:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Please, relax, good Sir Shlongy. I am not the least bit upset about the rating. Rate me however you feel. Enjoy yourself. If my post cannot entertain you any other way, then by all means flame it.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-24 11:39:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Take an anti-ETS pill, Stagger...You seem to be getting a bit worked up over a rating. Please, FUPA is a "no tear zone", although most of the remaining participants are having a tough time following that mantra.
If it makes you feel any better - and hopefully SOMETHING will - I would have given you a -3 if I could have.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-24 11:36:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-24 11:32:29 (#)
Ranking: -2
Ummm, yeah, that's what I did.
And, your point is 'what' exactly?
I liked MY poem better than yours. At least I rated honestly.
-----------------------
I was merely complimenting you on the breadth and clarity of your wit, dear boy. Noticing the fact that the name Jack was present in both pieces was a masterstroke. I bow to you.
'what' doesn't really need to be in inverted commas, by the way.
I'm glad you know what you like. Keep it up.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-24 11:33:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Goddammit, I debated whether to make it a tight structure, and I didn't. Curse you all.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-24 11:32:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Ummm, yeah, that's what I did.
And, your point is 'what' exactly?
I liked MY poem better than yours. At least I rated honestly.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-24 11:31:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No, I gave it a +2 because of the language and the story.
However, I read it again and I just can't make the flow work, so, as advertised, I'm going to take a little bit off the rating.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-24 11:29:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That was a deep, piercing insult, Shlongy. You realised that I had a character named Jack, and you posted a song or some bullshit with an idiot character named Jack in it, while giving me a negative rating. Hilarity.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-24 11:28:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I disagree
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-24 11:24:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
huh? he had good lines so you gave it a +2?? what is this, a jerk off competition of who can get the bigger ego?
thorns, you honestly thought this flowed well? jesus...
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-24 11:22:53 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Who's the fool with the cross-eyed stare,
The turned up nose and moronic glare?
Who's that simpleton standing over there?
Jack, Jack the Idiot Dunce.
Who's that dumb-looking freckle-faced runt?
Jack, Jack the Idiot Dunce.
He walks like his feet are on back to front,
Jack, Jack the Idiot Dunce.
When he waddles down the street he looks kind of queer,
Jack, Jack the Idiot Dunce,
'Cos he's got two left feet and taxi-door ears,
Jack, Jack the Idiot Dunce.
And when we laugh at the clothes he wears,
Jack just smiles 'cos he don't care.
He's a fool! He's a ninny!
He's a twit! He's a chump!
The Idiot Dunce, the Idiot Dunce.
Who is always the bottom of the class?
Jack, Jack the Idiot Dunce.
Who's a fool? Who's a boob?
Who's a kook and an ass?
Jack, Jack the Idiot Dunce.
When we take examinations he never gets a pass,
Jack, Jack the Idiot Dunce.
And we all put him down 'cos he can't think fast,
Jack, Jack the Idiot Dunce.
We ridicule him and punch him around,
But Jack just laughs and stands his ground,
The Idiot Dunce, the Idiot Dunce.
Yeah, he's so uncoordinated.
Whoa, and so disorientated,
And when we have a High School Hop
You ought to see that idiot bop
And his arms and his legs
Seem to have minds of their own,
And you don't need brains
To have educated muscles and bones.
Yeah, you ought to see him dance
He moves like he's in a trance,
And when we have a High School Hop
You ought to see that idiot rock,
And he's finally proved
That you don't need a high I.Q.
To make your body move.
Now he's created a dance that everybody's trying to do.
Jack, Jack the Idiot Dunce.
Do the Idiot Dunce.
All right put your finger on your nose,
Now cross those eyes.
Put your hands on your hips,
Now wriggle your backside.
Yes, we got you dancing
To the Idiot Jack
From your head to the tips of your toes.
Now the whole world's doing it and everybody knows,
Jack, Jack the Idiot Dunce.
He's a real cool cat and a real gone groove,
Jack, Jack the Idiot Dunce.
And the girls go crazy when he starts to move,
Jack, Jack the Idiot Dunce
Now Jack's a success he's got nothing to prove,
Jack, Jack the Idiot Dunce.
Even though Jack is dim
His mother is so proud of him.
Hey, who's that groovy looking dude
Dancing with all the chicks?
The Idiot Dunce, the Idiot Dunce.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-24 11:22:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-24 11:17:38 (#)
Ranking: 0
no worries... it's just that when you rhyme, your poetry needs to follow some sort of structure rythmically, otherwise the rhyming lines feel off, almost like they don't actually rhyme... see what i mean?
---
This is true, as this is a comment I spent most of Round 1 making.
The interrupted and/or broken flow is why this may wind up getting a 1.5.
However, I don't think that simply because the meter isn't consistent that this deserved an initial -2. There's a lot of quality here...some of the lines are just killer: "And the list of his crimes was longer than his arms."
The story was developed and well-told. There's even a bit of a glimpse into the character's state of mind when he's not killing, which I love because it gives the piece depth.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-24 11:20:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I know what you mean. It flows to me, when I read it, but I know how it's *supposed* to flow and feel.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-24 11:19:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fluid and easy to follow.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-24 11:17:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
no worries... it's just that when you rhyme, your poetry needs to follow some sort of structure rythmically, otherwise the rhyming lines feel off, almost like they don't actually rhyme... see what i mean?
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-24 11:14:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Upon re-reading my response to you, Wardy, I feel I reacted somewhat harshly. If you prefer a structure, that's your choice. My apologies.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-24 11:11:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ah, well, Wardy, the fuck am I supposed to do? My last entry got lambasted for having "too strict a structure". I loosen it up a little, and I get you telling me how easy this was to write. Well, fuck you, it was hard to write. Go write your shitty haikus to accompany lame-ass pictures.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-24 11:09:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked the story.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-24 11:06:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
it's not hard to rhyme... try having some actual rythym next time...
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-24 11:03:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2ing poetry. What am i reduced to?
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-24 10:59:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/85706
Contest link.