FUPA: The Bluest Eye (659 hits)
Category: Quotes & Stories -> PoetryLabels: Comp
Rating: 0.28 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Chris Parthemos <goferforhire.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2006-03-25 01:03:38 EST
She blue-lit her bedroom
to banish the shadows
that skittered in silence
and skirted the light.
I carelessly covered
her calming protection,
she paled in performance
and perished in night.
My languidly leaving
the light I desired,
my daring the doorway
to damn me to fail
had left her there lying
forlornly and crying
and callow, and creaking,
increasingly pale.
I know it's short, but well, whatever.
User Reviews
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-20 02:42:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-03-27 23:24:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2006-03-27 22:50:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-25 09:00:23 (#)
Ranking: -2
Lick my brownest eye.
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This is one of many reasons I re-wrote their gay-to-begin-with post. I don't care if you hate me. Your entry was damn near perfect.
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Thanks, man. I don't hate you, you know, I just don't think it's necessary to add to the hate club of Shlongy. You did do a better job of it than most, I will admit.
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2006-03-27 22:50:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-25 09:00:23 (#)
Ranking: -2
Lick my brownest eye.
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This is one of many reasons I re-wrote their gay-to-begin-with post. I don't care if you hate me. Your entry was damn near perfect.
Submitted by paulblakeford (user info) at 2006-03-27 14:35:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-27 13:34:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree with some of the reviews, that this looks and reads better with the corrected formatting.
Your meter was spot on, and you made great choices.
I read this out loud and it was even better.
Short, yes, but satisfying.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-27 07:52:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Easy to follow, good word choice...all around one of the better entries this round.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-26 23:40:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really liked your word choice, and I thought it flowed very well.
1.5
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-26 23:39:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Short is fine, but in this case it seemed rushed. I would have liked to read more, but it doesn't really seem incomplete to me, either.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-03-26 22:57:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I forgot about this-
http://www.ubersite.com/m/85706
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-26 02:03:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2006-03-26 01:53:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-03-25 10:51:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
This is how it would look in standard form. Short? Yes.
Bad? No. It has rhythm, meter, and uses the word skittered.
She blue-lit her bedroom to banish the shadows
that skittered in silence and skirted the light
I carelessly covered her calming protection,
she paled in performance and perished in night.
My languidly leaving the light I desired,
my daring the doorway to damn me to fail
had left her there lying forlornly and crying
and callow, and creaking, increasingly pale.
* * * * *
I read it like this and it sounds much better when I read it now. +1
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2006-03-26 01:50:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It didn't seem like you put much feeling into this. Reads kinda jerky and the language seems strange.
I'd give this a +1 on pulse.
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-03-25 22:40:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The first poem in FUPA, that i know of, to purposefully use alliteration. And, not in a cheesy way either. Well done.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-03-25 19:57:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
+0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-03-25 18:17:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-03-25 14:22:50 (#)
Ranking: -2
Crap competition.
___________________________________________
Sphagnum, an honest question: If you hate poetry so much and think
the contest is crap, why did you enter? No, really...
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-03-25 18:11:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-03-25 12:00:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
i liked it.
good choice, not using freaking stanzas.
they make me ill.
__________________________________
????????????????
Stanzas are there for a reason, just like paragraphs..............
Ghola, the tone of your comments on most of these indicates
you haven't read much poetry. :)
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-03-25 17:59:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
God I hate poetry.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-03-25 14:22:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Crap competition.
Submitted by damage.com (user info) at 2006-03-25 13:50:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This is good. It flows well, it's sort of surrealistic, I like it. It's weird but doesn't go streaking pell-mell into 'incomprehensible'.
My only complaint is I'd like it to be longer and explain more of what's going on. I finished it and thought "Yes? And then what happened?" But if you want to leave it short, it's up to you.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-03-25 13:23:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
flowed nicely, but not as nice as i'd wanted it too.
Submitted by toucan_sam (user info) at 2006-03-25 12:47:44 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
this was awful...
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-03-25 12:00:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i liked it.
good choice, not using freaking stanzas.
they make me ill.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-03-25 10:51:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is how it would look in standard form. Short? Yes.
Bad? No. It has rhythm, meter, and uses the word skittered.
She blue-lit her bedroom to banish the shadows
that skittered in silence and skirted the light
I carelessly covered her calming protection,
she paled in performance and perished in night.
My languidly leaving the light I desired,
my daring the doorway to damn me to fail
had left her there lying forlornly and crying
and callow, and creaking, increasingly pale.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-25 09:00:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Lick my brownest eye.
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2006-03-25 03:31:08 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
don't worry dude, -1.5 is a GOOD rating for poetry. Im not joking.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-03-25 02:14:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I hit "Rate this item"
clicked negative two,
I feel only this rating
will do justice true.