The Story of JALA (905 hits)
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Rating: 2 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Spencer Thompson and Katie Arentz (View user info) at 2006-03-25 21:30:06 EST
JALA was a supervillain who was personally responsible for every bad thing to happen on the Earth since 1969. Before 1969, the person responsible for all the bad things was JALA's father, Lucifer (AKA THE DEVIL). Lucifer retired because he had a larger workload than before, needing to punish in eternal hellfire all the new gay guys that were springing up. So he fathered JALA with the gayest of the gay homogays in gay hell (AKA REGULAR HELL).
Everytime a baby dies of SIDS, or a small island is engulfed by a tsunami, or a dog tries to take a poo but some of the poo gets stuck in its fur so it walks around with poo stuck on its butt stinking up everything and it tries to lick it off and its really gross for everyone involved, it's JALA's fault. He's kind of a dick like that.
Because JALA had no X chromosomes, he was not perfect. He couldn't get his power from huffing incense like his father Lucifer could. JALA could only get his power to create untold evil by winning the trivia games on the TVs at some sportsbars.
JALA was omnipotent, and knew EVERYTHING, so he never lost, so he freely caused children to get molested and then those children would grow up to become child molesters, so at first you'd feel bad for them like "oh my god that kid got molested" but then you'd hate him because he molested some children right back. THAT'S THE WORST TRAGEDY, THAT SOME KIDS WHO GET MOLESTED WILL EVENTUALLY MOLEST CHILDREN THEMSELVES AND FORFEIT ALL RIGHTS TO PITY.
JALA took a swig of kitten blood and laughed heartily as he won another round, giving him enough power to burn down a hospital. However, JALA was hoping to burn down instead an orphanage (for blind special needs kids) and that took considerable more power, so he stayed and waited for another game to start.
Just then, SPOON and GREEN walked into the bar, wearing lasers, which covered their naughty bits and looked cool. Everyone agreed they looked like they were from the future, but they weren't, they were just wearing pure lasers which were a current and readily available technology for those who could afford it.
They got nonalcoholic drinks because they weren't eighteen yet, though SPOON looked like he was 21 and probably could've gotten one if he wanted to, but these motherfuckers had CONSCIENCES, and he liked Dr. Pepper anyway.
They both had superpowers.
GREEN was the world's cutest and best secretary. She took dictation at over 1500 words per second, which when you think about it is kind of irrelevant because nobody talks that fast anyway, BUT STILL SHE COULD. Whoever she was a secretary for, there was always sexual tension. But not for long, because then they'd have sex and the tension would dissipate to awkwardness, which itself would then dissipate because they'd have a lot more sex and eventually it wouldn't seen so weird because they were just so used to it.
SPOON had the power to high five anybody he wanted. It didn't matter who they were or what they were doing, if he wanted a high five, he got it. If some lady were holding two babies in her arms and SPOON wanted a high five, she immediately decided which baby she liked less, and dropped it so she would have a free hand to high five SPOON. If SPOON went up for a high five from someone who had no arms, that person grew a new one. He would regularly visit war hospitals, high fiving the patients so that they would have a fully functional arm. This was much simpler than conventional surgery.
SPOON and GREEN were the only people who knew about JALA, and that they must defeat him. They knew this because they read it in the Special Edition new Testament Bible, which said so very clearly that "From the rectum of a damned sodomite shall come the antichrist, and his name will be JALA, and he'll get his power from trivia, and to defeat him you need to beat him Trivia. We think you should know that, it's kinda important. This will cure AIDS." This was on page 324.
JALA knew immediately that SPOON and GREEN would give him the greatest challenge he'd ever received since 1985 when VIPER took him down to the last round. If JALA were to ever lose a match of trivia, bad things would cease to happen, at least until Lucifer could streamline the torture of gays in Hell so that he would be more free to cause destruction on Earth.
It was the last round and SPOON was already out of hope for beating JALA, as he had been distracted during one of the rounds because he'd thought of a really funny joke and wanted to write it in his notepad, and didn't notice there was a question on the screen. He complained about it a lot, but never mentioned that he didn't kow the answer and would've gotten it wrong anyway.
However, GREEN and JALA were neck and neck. JALA was 1400 points, and GREEN had 1350. If JALA got this last question right, there was no possibility that GREEN could beat him. The question appeared on screen:
"WHAT IS THE CUTEST BABY ANIMAL???
A. Baby Raccoon
B. Baby Fox
C. Baby Kitty
D. Baby Hitler
E. Baby Flamingo"
JALA and GREEN both knew the answer was obviously A. Baby Raccoon. SPOON knew he had to act fast, because if JALA got the answer right, JALA would make him a child molester out of spite. He got up and quickly walked over to JALA, and said:
"High five," and he threw up his hand.
JALA was compelled to give him a high five. As he did, time to answer the question ran out. GREEN won by 50 points, and JALA was banished to Hell, where he kinda liked it, but not as much as making guys molest children.
With JALA banished, Cat AIDS was cured, but not regular people AIDS. But it's cool cause they developed a vaccine for it like a few years later, anyway.
User Reviews
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-27 18:05:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
berty -- i hate to admit it, but your scenario has left me curiously aroused. thanks buddy...
Submitted by Icedragon (user info) at 2006-03-27 17:54:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice story
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-27 16:50:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
DID YOU KNOW SHAMROCK SQUID AND SUICIDE SQUID ARE ONE AND THE SAME?
I KNOW, I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT MYSELF
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2006-03-27 15:32:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That's mathematically impossible. If one man molests a child by accident and creates a child molester who then goes out and molests 10 children who grow up and each molest 10 children you'd end up with everyone being molested and being a child molester after 5 generations. People would have babies only so they could molest them and we'd all basically be living in ancient Greece, but with widescreen TV.
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That's only if it's assumed ALL children who are molested grow up to be child molesters. I very clearly said that only some do. And, even if ALL of them were to, what if they were all to only molest the same 100 children or so? It's an exaggeration, but I believe it gets the point across.
PS those would be some fucked up children.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-03-27 15:21:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Trying to make sense of this is like solving a Rubix cube by staring at it.
Eventually you just give up... frustrated from the drug induced giggling...
sitting on the couch..... masturbating to Judge Judy... wondering why you are wearing socks and shoes with no pants.
or something.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-27 15:05:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
solid logic berty
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-27 07:42:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kicker of all ass.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-27 07:29:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
THAT'S THE WORST TRAGEDY, THAT SOME KIDS WHO GET MOLESTED WILL EVENTUALLY MOLEST CHILDREN THEMSELVES AND FORFEIT ALL RIGHTS TO PITY.
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That's mathematically impossible. If one man molests a child by accident and creates a child molester who then goes out and molests 10 children who grow up and each molest 10 children you'd end up with everyone being molested and being a child molester after 5 generations. People would have babies only so they could molest them and we'd all basically be living in ancient Greece, but with widescreen TV.
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2006-03-27 07:11:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2006-03-26 18:56:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's all kinds of kick ass. Well done.
Submitted by gangstagroove (user info) at 2006-03-26 15:00:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
SPOON had the power to high five anybody he wanted. It didn't matter who they were or what they were doing, if he wanted a high five, he got it. If some lady were holding two babies in her arms and SPOON wanted a high five, she immediately decided which baby she liked less, and dropped it so she would have a free hand to high five SPOON. If SPOON went up for a high five from someone who had no arms, that person grew a new one. He would regularly visit war hospitals, high fiving the patients so that they would have a fully functional arm. This was much simpler than conventional surgery.
Now that's gangster, almost pissed myself!!!
Submitted by Zol (user info) at 2006-03-26 11:54:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-03-26 08:21:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel like I've just read the secret history of the world
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-26 01:52:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want your drugs, Spence.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-26 01:41:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
He's kind of a dick like that.
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Ahahah.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2006-03-26 01:17:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
For thsoe of you who might be wondering, Katie Arentz is a friend of mine who helped me write this, and also wrote this awesome piece of awesome:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/82960
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-03-25 23:45:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
THIS was the greatest super hero story ever told...
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2006-03-25 23:24:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
THAT'S THE WORST TRAGEDY, THAT SOME KIDS WHO GET MOLESTED WILL EVENTUALLY MOLEST CHILDREN THEMSELVES AND FORFEIT ALL RIGHTS TO PITY.
Submitted by Tr4ppedunderice (user info) at 2006-03-25 21:43:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-25 21:35:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WHAT IS THE CUTEST BABY ANIMAL?
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-03-25 21:34:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
JALA took a swig of kitten blood and laughed heartily
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I didn't know what to say so I'm going to go with "What the hell man..."