The End of an Era for a Zombie Hunter & Kaptain Kitten (1333 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: zombie
Rating: 2 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Nath (w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m) (View user info) at 2006-03-27 09:37:14 EST
Part 1: http://www.ubersite.com/m/82578
Part 2: http://www.ubersite.com/m/82892
Part 3: http://www.ubersite.com/m/82945
Part 4: http://www.ubersite.com/m/82996
Part 5: http://www.ubersite.com/m/83134
Part 6: http://www.ubersite.com/m/83196
Part 7: http://www.ubersite.com/m/83306
Part 8: http://www.ubersite.com/m/84278 <- Dream intermission
Part 9: http://www.ubersite.com/m/84453
---
I was a bit upset that my business cards hadn't scared the zombies off, as they begin fighting their way through the small gap that had been created by Adams. I decided that they were illiterate to save my feelings.
Then realising the more immediate threat was to my body than my feelings, I scrambled my way across the floor, getting as far away from the dead bodies that seemed to be literally climbing over each other to get to me.
They seemed more ravenous than ever.
"I do think I would have a tasty body." I said to myself when I was back on my feet. "I would want to eat me."
I looked down at my body, thinking about which bit I'd eat first. Maybe my arms. But that would make it awkward to eat the rest of me. I'd have to start somewhere else, or I wouldn't be able to hold a knife and fork.
When a groan from the nearest zombie snapped my attention back, I realised that the first few had made it inside the door and were now wandering around like they owned the place.
But they didn't.
And I wasn't going to stand by and let them stagger and groan. It was like a drunken retard party.
Not in my back yard, mother fuckers.
I ran over to the small stockpile underneath the stairs, and pulled up one of my favourite weapons. It was a homemade axe that I had made from splitting a frying pan, sharpening the edge as sharp as I could and then attaching it to the handle of a broom handle.
Then, just more for effect than anything else, I had put a fairly large knife blade on the other end.
This was my first turn at trying it out.
I swung it at the nearest zombie, and was very pleased to see the head come flying off. I was a bit confused when the three zombies behind it fell over pretty quickly after, until I realised that the axe blade had come flying off with the swing.
I was gutted. It had taken me about eight hours to make that fucking thing. And then even worst it hit into the other half of the glass panel, shattering it into one massive hole in the wall.
It was an open restaurant and my ass was at the top of the starters menu. I turned to run, but then something stopped me in my tracks.
I don't know what it was. I don't think I ever will. It was almost like the business cards in my pocket began weighing me down.
Spinning the broom handle I brought the blade clean up the middle of the body. Even I, in my egotistically self assessment of awesome, was impressed with that.
Unfortunately I'm not the best person to get a fluke like that, and it filled with misplaced confidence.
I jabbed the same zombie in the face, pulled the blade back and then attempted to write an N on its chest. It wasn't too bad an attempt, but it just took too fucking long, and I was suddenly surrounded.
Remembering my training from the week before (we watched The Matrix: Reloaded on Jo's laptop) I ducked down and tried spinning the broom handle around behind my back.
Hopefully I cut a few of them up, but it was hard to be sure as blood just poured out of these things anyway. But for definite one of them fell down as the blade managed to severe the head.
But it wasn't good enough, the dead were closing in.
---
Salvation came from a familiar group of friends. I later found out that they had heard the smashes, and also seen Adams running away from the lobby area.
Bally and Emma were the first two on the scene, bursting through the door, both with weapons swinging, clearing the way in what must have been a fraction of the nic of time.
They cleared enough space for me to fall back alongside them, holding my broom handle up. We were shortly joined by Ed, who had a homemade mace. As he swung it around, I couldn't help but be jealous of his impressive weapon making skills.
There were delicious thuds as the heavy, filled football smashed into heads and bodies. This quickly cleared the lobby, while Jo and Maria came to join us, both brandishing weapons.
We must have looked fucking awesome. I slowly made my way to the middle of the group and stood one step in front of everyone else, just in case someone was taking a photo or something.
Then fucking Ed made his way backwards, still swinging his mace like a barbarian, meaning I had to step backwards into the line, also losing position to Emma, who wouldn't budge.
Ed dropped his mace and pulled out a pair of modified kitchen knifes from behind him. Yet again I was pissed off at him. And then he pissed me off even more by moving into the line, forcing me even further from the centre. I would barely be a cameo if this was the poster. I was like fucking Pippin or something.
"Ready to charge?" I said to everyone, trying to establish myself as the leader.
A few people said yes, others just nodded.
"Then CHARGE!" I bellowed like Brian Blessed with a megaphone. "Oh for fucks sake." I said, stopping a step later as the van that Greg and Andy had taken came skidding into view, smashing the next wave of zombies out of the way.
Greg came charging out of the van, over to join us, while Andy had to get out of the passenger seat and run around the van to get to us. On his way Andy got grabbed by a zombie who wasn't quite dead (what zombies are?).
Andy fell to the ground. Instantly we all ran to try and assist, but it was instantly clear we wouldn't get there in time.
But it turns out we didn't need to. There was a dash of something, which splattered into the back of the zombie, right through the spin. The spear was sticking out of the fully dead body, as the rope began to get taut.
"THEY WERE MY FISH, YOU FUCKING BITCH!" Martin screamed at the zombie he dreamed was really his mother, the woman responsible for taking his fish tank away when he was younger.
Free from the grasp, Andy pulled himself along and then up to his feet, coming to join us.
"How many more were out there?" I asked, trying to sound more professional than flustered.
"Loads. We need to get this blocked up." Greg said.
"We'll do that, when you're gone." All eyes turned up to the top of the stairs, where Adams was stood, surrounded by his friends. A group which had grown considerably.
"What?" I stared at him. "You think you can kick us out after you let these fucking things in?"
"I WAS ADOBTED! ADMIT IT, COWFUCK!" There was another splat from outside.
"Don't pull that shit with us." Adams said. "We're all sick of your shit. So you and your little group of Flintstones can leave?"
"Flintstones?" Maria looked to me like I had any idea what he was on about.
"What the fuck are you on about?" I shouted to Adams.
I didn't notice until she was with us, but Susan had made her way down the stairs to join us, clearly not wanting to be a part of Adams group.
"Just get the fuck out of here." Adams said. "You come back here, we'll kill each and every one of you." I quickly scanned there numbers. They had us outnumbered by at least three to one, and probably more who weren't here.
We were beaten.
"You have to let us get our stuff first." Jo called out.
"IT WAS MY FUCKING POCKEY MONEY!" Followed by a loud clunk, as Martin's spear hit into the car, pinning a zombies head to the bonnet while the body slumped to the floor.
Adams lifted the baseball bat that he was holding over his shoulder.
"Try it." He said. At that point I noticed blood dripping off the bat.
He hadn't drawn any of my blood. Whose blood was it?
"We should go, guys." Emma said. "We can't do this. Not now, at least."
She was right. We began to turn to rush to the van and pile in.
At that point the door up next to Adams' group burst open and Julie flew through it.
"NATH!" She screamed. I'm such a fucking hero, I thought. "He's killed Kaptain Kitten!"
I spun and stared at Adams as Julie made her way down the stairs to join us.
A sickening dribble of blood ran off the bat as Adams began laughing at me.
"What?"
Julie was stood by me now, tears in her eyes and out of breath. I never get sick of seeing women like that, but this time was different. "He killed Kaptain Kitten and then threw the rest of the cats out of the window downstairs. He let them all go."
"You killed Kaptain Kitten?" I looked at Adams square in the eyes again, as she started laughing again.
Without another word and without thinking I threw the broom handle I was holding, blade first, towards Adams. He barely had time to react, as he lifted his hand to block the bodge job spear.
The blade slammed into his palm, but forced it back and dug into his eye.
Instantly he dropped to the floor, rolling around in agony, screaming and holding his eye. Not that he had a choice as it was pinned to it. Blood poured all down his face from his hand and the eye.
Then, silently, I turned and we all made our way out to the van. On the way out I dropped a few business cards on the floor. All ten of us piled into the van, as Greg started the engine.
I didn't know what to do, but I knew that even if I had to do it alone, I wouldn't let Adams and his group get away with this. I just needed somewhere to hatch a plan.
User Reviews
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-02 07:09:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
very enjoyable thank you
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-04-05 17:35:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Im going to print this out. Except it's going to be awesome faces certified zombie killers. Then Im going to print out this whole series and post it on a website with a false date. A date before you posting this. I will tell everyone I wrote this and get all the fame. Plus I will probably get laid too.
Or maybe ill go on to the next one.
Keep it up.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-03-29 08:25:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Another result.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-29 02:04:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ALRIGHT!
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2006-03-28 03:19:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dacin (user info) at 2006-03-28 02:55:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this was badass
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-27 17:23:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tim, I think you might wanna check out http://www.ubersite.com/m/85827 .
Trust me. Read it and you'll know why.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-03-27 17:18:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yes.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-03-27 16:01:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Psychotic middle-managers, references to Lord of the Rings... way too much here to even comment on.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-03-27 15:38:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
NOOOOOOO!!!! Kaptain Kitten can't die! What about the whole "cats have nine lives" thing? It'd be awesome if he turned into a zombie kitty.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-03-27 15:36:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
thats good cat killing.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-27 13:52:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-03-27 12:21:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
Love the business card, Nath.
Where's the apostraphe in "Naths"?
What?
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-03-27 12:38:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hmmm
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-03-27 12:21:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Love the business card, Nath..
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-03-27 12:15:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's how I would write if I had writting talent. Love the series
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-27 12:14:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-03-27 11:58:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-03-27 11:19:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
poor wittle kitty :'-(
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-27 10:45:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cherry Coke?
What's REAL good is Cherry RC Cola.
I love RC Cola.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-03-27 10:35:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Poor Kaptain Kitten.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-27 10:10:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
All cats are dead anyway. Well as good as dead. They have no souls see? Like vampires or something. I hope the KK returns as a zombie cat though, and then they have to beat it out of its further undeath over and over, while it meows pitifully.
Erm.
Fucking cats.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-03-27 10:07:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fabtabulous.
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2006-03-27 10:06:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious, as always.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-03-27 09:51:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks, dude.
I'm a cherry coke man, myself.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-27 09:50:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Agreed.
Yours is still better right now, BTW.
If I could write this, I'd be rolling in bitches and money.
Or something close to it, like pork chops and Pepsi or something.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-03-27 09:47:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I think so. It's easier to give a narrative from a first person. Then you don't have to bugger about with other peoples feelings, perceptions, actions and thoughts. It's just how one interprets it and gives a more personal (and believeable feel to it)
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-27 09:46:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I WAS ADOBTED! ADMIT IT, COWFUCK!"
Oh, and you damn Brits can't spell.
Ado'p'ted.
Damn you for being funny, though.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-03-27 09:44:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
so kick ass.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-27 09:42:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Kaptain Kitten was my favorite character!
DAMN YOU ADAMS!
So, uh, you really think the 1st person switch was worth it? :-)
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-27 09:41:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm not going to read this right now because i have class in nineteen minutes and i still have to comb my hair, put on some underoos and floss my teeth. but i'll read it later and... well i'll probably read it later, i'm not real sure because i've got a lot of things going on today, but hopefully i'll get to it because i know you really want me to read it.
that's all for now.