Nereida (1151 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: myfiction
Rating: 1.38 on 51 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Razor <Jeremy_21117.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2006-03-27 11:29:00 EST
User Reviews
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-03-29 10:55:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sarcasm, coincidence, chaos.
Nice post even though I had to read it twice.
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2006-03-28 14:19:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You did a very good job making me uncomfortable with that repeated phrase. I don't think this came off as cold or clinical because the voice was too child-like. A calm, detached child-like, but still too naive to seem clinical. If that makes any sense.
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2006-03-28 13:56:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think the style is really interesting. I agree that it has hints of Robbins and Vonnegut like people mentioned, but not enough to be a rip off, which is cool. Now I just want to know the rest of the story.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-03-28 10:25:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-03-28 09:21:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I meant to elaborate further yesterday, but my mind had blanked as a result of the koan "What's the point?"
I'm guessing that was the theme you were trying to establish? The interconnectedness of all and everything and yet the ultimate futility of it all . . . maybe?
There could have been Beauty in the first part of that, but the tone (which people are erroneously calling condescending) you took was too cold and clinical. Objective. Scientific. To be able to see it.
Speaking of which "penises in vaginas - just so." Was awesome. But also probably the most Vonnegut portion of the whole thing.
Aaand, time for the bad with the good . . . the suicide in the bathtub . . . any time someone's "lifeblood" ebbs away or whatever, I puke. Who talks like that? You don't. That was cliche city. But that was also the only part of this that really made me flinch at all.
I thought the language could have been flashier, maybe. Not sure doing that would have suited your objective. And I'm STILL trying to work my way through "what's the point?" So, in that regard . . . it really was great.
I really want to plug my "Vonnegut" post here. But I'm not going to.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-03-28 04:39:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Most things that I was going to say have been said and addressed.
Interesting concept, but was very abrupt and slightly disjointed. If there is more to come then I would guess that things will tie together later.
-Dave
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-28 04:19:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
... hmmm.
Dunno. It was good, obviously, but there were elements I didn't like. The style pissed me off a bit, kind of came over as arrogant and too... sophistic? Is that the word? You know, when you reckon everything you say is the truth.
Is it wrong for me to take affront at the issues you've raised? I guess it isn't, if Mein Kampf was a sterling book with compelling writing it wouldn't matter even if it had been about slaughtering Jews to extract Jewridium from their noses for use in jet propulsion engines.
I read somewhere that rabbits abort their unwanted offspring naturally, that if there isn't enough food or it's too cold or if they're just not comfortable they re-absorb the fetus. I wonder if this is a common trait amongst animals and it's just hu-mon's that can't? I reckon the process of abortion is at least as natural as driving a car and polyester shirts so I reckon it's all good.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-03-27 19:11:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
the ending was dreadful, as if you were aiming for a punchline that missed by miles.
even though you weren't doing that.
i think.
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2006-03-27 18:03:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Youre right sorry
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-03-27 17:13:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice work.
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2006-03-27 17:09:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
re: the patronizing tone.. I always wondered how good writers manage to teach us something without sounding pretentious. if I new Id let you know... but to be honest I struggling to write these 3 lines so Im not much help really
... but I do think the British are much better at it
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-03-27 16:58:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2006-03-27 15:38:38 (#)
Ranking: 1
. . . "I think I commented that this style reminded me of Vonegut."
________________________________________________
Very much.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-03-27 16:17:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-03-27 15:57:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
If you've seen a different iteration of this, it was sent to you privately.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-27 15:47:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So this is how we take back Uber? With different fonts?
Also, as any devotee knows, the 'sound of one hand clapping' is most ably illustrated by watching Jimmy Rockford get slapped in the face on the teevee...
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2006-03-27 15:47:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2006-03-27 15:38:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
poly-I'm pretty sure that this had been posted before, in a different iteration. I think I commented that this style reminded me of Vonegut.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-03-27 15:31:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-03-27 15:18:06 (#)
Ranking: 1
Razor - the condescension I felt was particularly linked to your description of sex "inserting the penis into the vagina until the sperm came out"
and then using it repeatedly, as if saying it one time wasn't enough for people to understand what "sex" really was. If you wanted to avoid using the word "Sex" you could have used many others - such as copulation.
The stylistic decision to phrase that one phrase, and ONLY that phrase at a second grade level, while using terminology and ideaology far more advanced than a typical 7 year old could/would use and or understand is what created the patronizing feeling. You insulted my intelligence - by breaking something down THAT far.
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That actually makes me feel a lot better about this story.
I used that phrase repeatedly to make the reader uncomfortable... I don't think it's at a second grade level at all... in fact, a second grader would be made a lot less confused and uncomfortable by that phrase repeated over and over than an adult... because we see sex as so much more... and we all do such wierd things for sex.
Seems I got my point across just fine... I'm 30, and get laid whenever I want (ok whenever the kids go to bed on time), and there's an awful lot about sex (under the umbrella of which I include masturbation, porn, etc.) that doesn't really make sense to me.
Adult human beings are a complete jumble of emotions and odd perceptions when it comes to sex, and our views are totally at odds with the clinical "in-out-reproduction" that is at the core of it all.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-03-27 15:28:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-03-27 13:32:55 (#)
Ranking: 0
Anyway, this was a style experiment that apparently flopped.
-----------------
I liked the style, it just didn't really go anywhere. If this is just a chapter one and you have a lot more of these planned, this style could get alittle old, but if you finish in like one or two more posts, and tie it all together it could be really good.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-03-27 15:18:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Razor - the condescension I felt was particularly linked to your description of sex "inserting the penis into the vagina until the sperm came out"
and then using it repeatedly, as if saying it one time wasn't enough for people to understand what "sex" really was. If you wanted to avoid using the word "Sex" you could have used many others - such as copulation.
The stylistic decision to phrase that one phrase, and ONLY that phrase at a second grade level, while using terminology and ideaology far more advanced than a typical 7 year old could/would use and or understand is what created the patronizing feeling. You insulted my intelligence - by breaking something down THAT far.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-03-27 14:43:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sure did keep my attention.
and then sperm came out.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-03-27 14:32:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2006-03-27 14:12:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
i found this interesting and certainly would like to know the nature of david's choice...
---
That review means a lot, thanks jack.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-03-27 14:29:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-03-27 13:48:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't find the tone patronizing. I actually found it to be kind of clinical and cold, more like a science book than anything else, which works for me in this particular story.
---
That's what I was going for...
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2006-03-27 14:12:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i found this interesting and certainly would like to know the nature of david's choice...
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-27 13:52:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Has Uber been taken back yet?
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-03-27 13:48:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't find the tone patronizing. I actually found it to be kind of clinical and cold, more like a science book than anything else, which works for me in this particular story.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-03-27 13:36:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Ugh, I just realized that putting it into paint removed all my formatting and completely messed up the font.
It WAS nicely formatted Times New Roman with italics for emphasis all over the place. Without the Italics, I think it loses some of its impact.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-03-27 13:32:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm not sure how to respond to the people who think that the tone was patronizing. I think what you guys took as patronizing I was trying to use to bring up something that people know, or that could be easily looked up, but phrased in a particular way to bring it to the forefront of the conversation I was having.
An example of this in everyday speech would be when someone asks a question like "Hey, you know Bill?" when Bill is somsone you both know very well, and you both know that you know him, and the question really meant "I'd like to say something about Bill".
Anyway, this was a style experiment that apparently flopped.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-03-27 13:13:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I don't know how I feel about this.
The tone was patronizing enough to disgust me. The same information could have been shared in a much simpler, less verbose, more engaging manner.
Stylistically, I assume you're experimenting. I didn't like it.
Ironically - this made me frown more than smile, but the +1 is because this isn't a no effort shit post.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-03-27 13:00:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
INTERESTING. it bothers my eyes to read that mspaint type though.
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2006-03-27 12:46:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Needs more emu
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-03-27 12:32:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
And by blues I mean greens.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-03-27 12:29:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The British isles part of the map is pretty accurate for post roman pre saxon britian, the blues are irish invaders, mainly picts, and the reds are the ancestors of the welsh, they even owned that part of france too.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-03-27 12:22:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-03-27 12:02:06 (#)
Ranking: 1
There was a great build up here with some interesting connections...however, they didn't come together with the "POW" I was hoping for.
----------------------
It would be sweet if this was a chapter one, and lead to something better.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2006-03-27 12:21:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-27 12:07:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
razor -- fuck nitty and his bag of tricks, his entry doesn't even compare to mine ---> http://www.ubersite.com/m/85741
copycat
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2006-03-27 12:20:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Jpeg stories are always dificult to read because you can't be bothered to pick a decent font. That really detracts from my enjoyment of this.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-03-27 12:14:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Have you ever posted this here before? Or did you just send it to me one time?
Either way I still like the story, but didn't care much for the last few lines.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-03-27 12:09:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
enjoyable, disagreeable at some points but enjoyable...
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-27 12:07:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
razor -- fuck nitty and his bag of tricks, his entry doesn't even compare to mine ---> http://www.ubersite.com/m/85741
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2006-03-27 12:03:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
was ok.. but I found the tone a little patronising. perhaps its better to assume the reader knows what you are talking about rather than trying to teach them.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-03-27 12:03:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I suppose I should have called this "Chapter 1"... but I wanted to see Uber's reaction before continuing.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-03-27 12:02:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
There was a great build up here with some interesting connections...however, they didn't come together with the "POW" I was hoping for.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-03-27 11:58:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad.
Submitted by scornednornery (user info) at 2006-03-27 11:57:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm sure there's a political message in all this I'm just too lazy to decipher it.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2006-03-27 11:54:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't really read all of this.
When I say 'all' I mean 'any'
But I did give YOU, dear Razor, a shoutout:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/85873
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-03-27 11:51:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hmm yeah I thought the ending might throw some people off. This, I will admit, is a bit on the wierd side.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-03-27 11:48:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I read it and feel compelled to comment. I'm going with a +2 on this because it was interesting enough to keep my attention through the entire thing, but in all honesty I thought it ended rather abruptly kind of like you just quit typing.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-27 11:44:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it enough to bump it to a 1.75 though.
retrospect- if you ARE Stagger_Lee, send me an email from the account that the person with that user name uses. Do it now.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-03-27 11:40:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
this is the face of the new uber?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-27 11:37:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Bit the ending didn't leave me feeling all that satisfied.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-27 11:37:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This read a bit like Tom Robbins.