Lesbians Suck (1625 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.47 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by OTW (View user info) at 2006-03-27 19:21:43 EST
Lesbians are useless to red-blooded American males. They can please each other using toys, mouths, fingers and fists, but throw in a guy and suddenly they become frigid.
I went to one the other day and asked if she would like to make the beast with two backs. She wasn't up on her Shakespeare, so I started to pantomime my request by dry humping a cardboard cutout of Ray Romano (we were at Blockbuster).
"But you have a penis," she said, pointing down at my crotch like it was covered in noisome pustules.
"Listen lesbian, who gives a shit?" I shook my head. "If you want, I'll paint my dick red and you can pretend it's a strap-on."
"No"
"Blue then?"
She reached out and grabbed a customer. "I only fuck these."
I looked the intruder up and down. "You only fuck old black women?"
The lesbian shoved her to the ground. "No, just women. Period."
I was incredulous. "You think she could eat you out better than me?!?!"
The shopper started scurrying away on her hands and knees. The lesbian picked her up using her lesbian super strength and held her over her head. "You're damn straight. I bet this old broad could make my pussy sing."
I grabbed the old woman out of her hands and held her over my head. I didn't have super strength—just testosterone and adrenaline. "No fucking way is this granny better. No fucking way.
By this time, the manager had come over and tried to get me to put the old woman down.
"Sir, please."
"Goddamn lesbians!" I started shaking the old woman. Her change began hitting the floor along with a copy of "Out to Sea" that she planned on buying. "Just let me bang you!"
"NEVER!" The lesbian formed a fist and thrust it into a shelf full of dvds, flipping it end over end until it flew through the window.
"Fine. If that's how you want it!"
I heaved the old woman into the lesbian, knocking her to the ground. The manager quickly seized my arm.
I screamed, "lesbian sympathizer!" and threw him into the new releases.
Now the whole store was full of commotion as people started picking sides. I drew a line on the ground from "Roadhouse" to "Zorba the Greek."
Six men and two women crossed the line. They filed behind me like soldiers preparing for war.
On the lesbian's side, the manager, as well as two female customers and two gay checkout boys made their way over.
"Admit your error," I bellowed, "repent, and you shall be saved."
"Meaning?" The lesbian snarled.
"Meaning, I'll bone you hard!"
"Bathturd," one gay checkout boy said. Athhole" said the other.
A women on my side started turning the strap of her purse in her hand. "Men are better; you can't make babies with women!"
"You're forgetting artificial insemination!"
"Yeth," said a checkout boy. I forget which.
"You had your chance, lesbian. I'll shall rain down on you with all the power of my strength—until the last of your blood is spilt."
The first checkout boy spoke up. "Maybe we thhoud put down a few towelth"
"Shut up," the lesbian said. "It's time to get dirty!
In a rush, we swarmed into each other. The woman with the purse started smacking the lesbian on the head. I started punching the manager. The checkout boys tag-teamed on the old black woman, who had the misfortune of falling on my side of the line.
Shelves were falling left and right, and their contents were spilling all over the melee. People would slip on dvds and smash their own noses. We began using fallen bodies for traction.
The checkout boys finished with the old woman and took out a machine worker, before falling to the blunt ends of some DVD cleaners. The woman with the purse fell at the hands of the manager. The rest was a memory.
In the end, it was just the lesbian and I. The florescent lights swung between us, sending shadows of our battered frames against the bare walls. Occasionally, sparks flew out from the neon Shrek sign, making us squint and requiring us to use our arms to shield our eyes.
For footing, I waddled back and forth on the manager. He was skinny, but he had a huge ass, so it was difficult to keep upright. The lesbian had snared the old woman and dug into her saggy flesh. She groaned and called out "why?"
I growled and pointed. "Because she doesn't like dick!"
The lesbian charged up the frame of the old woman and I skidded down the manager's ass. We met between them, our arms locked together, unable to make a swing or free ourselves to regroup.
"Lesbian, this is ridiculous. Is your unreasonable lifestyle worth this?"
"Is your need to have sex with me worth it?"
I started to shake from the strain. "I fight for all men, everywhere. You know how easier it would be to get laid if lesbians are on the Market?
"Well...what if the reverse were true?"
"What..."
"Well, what if gay guys started going after women. "
I released my hold. "What are you talking about?"
"If you convert lesbian women, what's to stop some woman from converting gay men."
"That...that, wouldn't happen."
"Oh wouldn't it. It's us lesbians that keep the gay guys in line. Without us, they might turn straight. Then you'll have a real problem."
I slumped to the ground. "What problem?"
The lesbian started laughing. "If gays were available, the women would all flock to them. They are cleaner, they understand our needs, and they are probably more giving in bed."
"That's not true, women still want manly men."
"Bullshit, that ship has sailed. Is that gel in your hair?"
I turned away. "No."
"I bet you use an exfoliant."
"WHAT OF IT."
The lesbian brushed off her jeans. "I think I've said my piece." She turned and walked away.
I sat there for ten more minutes before going.
Fucking lesbians and their lesbian logic. They'll meet their end some day.
User Reviews
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-06-04 13:06:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by AlexorGM (user info) at 2006-04-05 16:14:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/86275
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-28 12:52:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I read the title, and I thought, aw, crap.
But then it was funny, not irritating moralising (I've used that word about 5 times today, what the fuck's with that?) and the ending was hilarious.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-28 09:52:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2006-03-28 05:32:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by damage.com (user info) at 2006-03-27 22:23:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
When I read the first sentence I thought: "Oh no, not this crap again..." How glad I was to see you turn it into humor! +1 for humor and another +1 for 'bathturd'. Bath-turd! You got a whole new insult there!
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Great thuff!!
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-03-28 04:58:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How does this not rate higher.
This was fucking brilliant!
Submitted by blueboy (user info) at 2006-03-28 01:07:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-03-28 00:52:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by cascade (user info) at 2006-03-28 00:32:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"using her lesbian super strength "
So it's not a myth....
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2006-03-28 00:27:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yes
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-03-27 22:32:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I kept expecting it to suck, but it just got better and better... the ending was brilliant. Yay for your life!
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-03-27 22:32:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-03-27 19:54:16 (#)
Ranking: 1
The idea of gay guys going straight is kind of hot because they've got way better bodies than straight guys, they're much cuter, they dress better, they're usually more fun, they're better dancers, and they smell nicer.
Nobody smells better than me. As for the rest of it? It's true. They do have better bodies, they are cuter, they do dress better and they are better dancers. They are women after all.
Submitted by damage.com (user info) at 2006-03-27 22:23:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When I read the first sentence I thought: "Oh no, not this crap again..." How glad I was to see you turn it into humor! +1 for humor and another +1 for 'bathturd'. Bath-turd! You got a whole new insult there!
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-03-27 21:36:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-03-27 19:54:16 (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm not really sure why but I didn't like the first half of this very much. I did like the end though so +1.
The idea of gay guys going straight is kind of hot because they've got way better bodies than straight guys, they're much cuter, they dress better, they're usually more fun, they're better dancers, and they smell nicer. Then I start to think of how many more guys they've fucked than I have and I get turned off.
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Dress better, better bodies, cuter than us?
Yes, this is all probably true, but in the end, I've never been fucked in the ass, and to me thats all that matters.
Submitted by MrCoffee (user info) at 2006-03-27 21:32:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fuckin' GREAT
Submitted by Nat_Nemcova (user info) at 2006-03-27 20:14:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Admit your error," I bellowed, "repent, and you shall be saved."
"Meaning?" The lesbian snarled.
"Meaning, I'll bone you hard!"
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Great stuff! I especially like the image you conjured up of usiong the fallen bodies for footing ;)...
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-03-27 19:54:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm not really sure why but I didn't like the first half of this very much. I did like the end though so +1.
The idea of gay guys going straight is kind of hot because they've got way better bodies than straight guys, they're much cuter, they dress better, they're usually more fun, they're better dancers, and they smell nicer. Then I start to think of how many more guys they've fucked than I have and I get turned off.
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-03-27 19:50:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Men especially are too quick to use the word "lesbian" when speaking of girls who like chicks as much or more than dick. Pardon my crassness, but it's true. Here I'm speaking of soft-spoken girls who shoot coy glances to your girlfriend while flirting with you, not the eye-gouging feminists bulls dykes. (They're a different story, and they'll have nothing to do with guys or bi girls.)
Some, no, all of my best sexual experiences were with two girls who most men would mistakenly call lipstick lesbians.
Just think of everyone as a person, without a label, all with differing desires, and accept them as such. Then get to know them as who they are, not what they "appear" to be. You'll have much more fun.
(It helps a lot to date a girl who is into girls, they have this telepathy with their ilk, which is beyond me but a beautiful thing to behold.)
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2006-03-27 19:50:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PoTtY (user info) at 2006-03-27 19:47:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
God, this started off so brilliantly but the battle, why the battle? A black granny lick off would have been epic.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-03-27 19:41:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
whenever a lesbian gives you shit, if shes attractive enough to fuck, just belittle her 'lifestyle choice' and say shes just messing around till she comes back for the cock, its inevitable.
above all, you must be supremely arrogant and patronising about this.
here is an example: http://www.ubersite.com/m/68705
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2006-03-27 19:39:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bathturd!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-27 19:30:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this was pretty good - I also imagined the fight music from Star Trek during the battle scenes.