Donovan's Toronto Film Fest 2006 Report (478 hits)
Category: Business & FinancialRating: -0.66 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tony Montana <Tony.Montana.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2006-03-28 20:09:41 EST
Donovan's Toronto Film Fest 2006 Report
Howdy, gang. This is Donovan reporting to you live from north of the border here in Canada...eh!!! My lovely wife is currently slathering some Valtrex (that's herpes medication for those of you not familiar with the medical world) on her labias and on the inner aspect of her exceptionally large ass cheeks, so I thought this would be a good time to update all of you in uberland who are anxiously awaiting to hear my tedious and dull report on the upcoming films of the year.
Once again it was as glorious a time as last year. Both my wife and I had available vacation time from our jobs so it was a no-brainer that we would come to Toronto (and keep the streak alive, baby!). She actually did hint at one point that she might want to use this free time to go somewhere romantic like Hawaii or Paris. But of course she quickly recanted after I locked myself in our bathroom and pouted like a bitch for 6 hours, sucking my thumb continuously until it resembled a freeze dried prune.
Prune thumb or not, all my girlish whining paid off in spades once we actually arrived at the film festival. Just the mere sight of so many celebrities and the chance to name-drop them in an uber post provided the perfect release from my otherwise shit life. I happened to run into Phillip Seymour Hoffman at one point (by "run into" I mean I physically cornered him into a kielbasa stand) and had a riveting conversation with him regarding his performance in Capote.
The conversation quickly took a turn for the worse when I tried to release a silent fart that had been building inside of me for almost 2 hours. Instead of the smooth gaseous release from my pimple and hair riddled rectum, I accidentally unleashed a fecal gush of liquid which instantly soiled the back of my tight fitting khaki shorts and leaked down the backs of my legs.
Mr. Hoffman's quick departure from the scene dismayed me. After all, we were in Canada...the fecal matter dripping down my legs couldn't have been any more gross than Poutine...eh!!!
Well...anyways. I've digressed enough. On to the reviews!!!
REVIEWS (IN ORDER FROM BEST TO WORST)
COOL AS ICE - Rating 5.0 out of 5.0
Starring: Vanilla Ice, Kristin Minter, Michael Gross; Directed by: David Kellogg; Written by: David Stenn; Release Date: TBA
I can honestly say I've never been more impressed by a movie. The cinematic brilliance of this movie is elegantly captured by the tag line, "When a girl has a heart of stone, there's only one way to melt it. Just add Ice." The modern day Romeo and Juliet story between Vanilla Ice (who plays John "Johnny" Van Owen) and Kathy Winslow who is played by Kristin Minter, comes to life in a small town after Vanilla and his posse have mechanical difficulties with their bikes and must stop to get them repaired.
It is here that Vanilla falls for the beautiful yet snobbish Kathy Winslow. His repeated attempts to woo her heart with his ghetto thug appeal and machismo fail to the extent that we as the viewer become genuinely saddened and disheartened that this love may never come to real fruition. However, Vanilla's persistence pays off when he confronts Winslow while she is with her asshole boyfriend and utters the phrase that is etched into the stone of cinematic immortality: "Drop that zero and get with the hero."
If Vanilla doesn't get a golden globe nomination for his performance here, I will have lost all faith in humanity.
SAVED BY THE BELL: HAWAIIAN STYLE - Rating 4.5 out of 5.0
Starring: Mark-Paul Gosselaar, Dustin Diamond, Mario López; Directed by: Don Barnhart; Written by: Bennett Tramer; Release Date: TBA
Another solid KO from the duo of Barnhart and Tramer in creating this gem of a movie. As the title suggests, the movie takes place in Hawaii where Zach and the gang are invited to spend the summer at Kelly's grandfather's little hotel. Little do they know that their principal, Mr. Belding, is also coincidentally staying there, thus setting the mood for some wild and wacky adventures...just the way Donovan likes it...eh!!!
However it's not all fun and games when the Bayside superfriends find out that the evil Mr. Worthington wants to buy the little hotel owned by Kelly's grandfather and turn it into an apartment complex. On top of all this, in a very believable side story, that little horse-faced jackass Screech gets kidnapped by the Pupuku group who...get this...think that Screech is their long lost leader!
Overall a very powerful film which is going to lead to many more promising roles for this young group of actors and actresses. I'm predicting a best supporting actress nod for Lark Voorhies (Lisa, the token black chick).
CRASH - Rating .01 out of 5.0
Starring: Sandra Bullock, Don Cheadle, Matt Dillon; Directed and Written by: Paul Haggis; Release Date: TBA
Complete dogshit when compared to the excellence of the previous two movies. The entire movie (I use that word lightly) was a jumbled and confusing hodgepodge of various random and unrelated stories that have no discernible point of convergence. The piss poor writing was only overshadowed by the even worse acting, which is to be expected from such a C list of actors such as Don Cheadle and Matt Dillon.
The director demands an unrealistic suspension of disbelief from the audience to the extent that we are to believe a little girl does indeed possess a magic invisible invincibility cloak which allows her to deflect bullets from point blank range. Nigga what? I don't think so, Mr. Haggis. Your movie is a disgrace and may it be sent back to the bowels of hell from whence it came.
User Reviews
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-01 00:34:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Even this one sucked...
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-28 22:28:46 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
You could've at least changed your handle to Donovan...
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2006-03-28 22:13:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
If I reviewed stuff like this, I'd say it was complete crap and give it a -2, but luckily for you I never bother.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2006-03-28 21:53:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
so tony montana is not donovan, apparently
i was thinknig it was quite witty and unusual for him to speak of his wife in that manner
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-03-28 21:40:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Tony, are you blind? Reading challenged? It is spelled S H L O N G Y.
The only C is the highest rating on any of your posts :(
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-03-28 21:30:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you can't piss me off, tony. i just found out that i saved a ton of money on my car insurance by switching to geico.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-03-28 21:28:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
*website* DAMN!!! Fucking keyboard is dumber than you. . .
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-03-28 21:26:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Now ya dun pissed me off! Get off of Shlongy's case, asshole.
His wit and gruesome humor are the mainstay of the shitty websie,
and you are but a dipshit interloper, chump. :-/
Submitted by TonyMontana (user info) at 2006-03-28 21:17:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
pen name...don't use the word "evar" please. it just makes you sound almost as much of a complete moron as schlongy.
Submitted by TonyMontana (user info) at 2006-03-28 21:16:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Schlongy...that's some fantasy world you created there for yourself, dumbass. too bad it will never be a reality. uber's all you got, bitch.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-28 21:07:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No no no, Tony...I don't work at the Car Wash.
I OWN the company that owns 7 car washes, and 19 other businesses.
And my minions hire pieces of shit like you to scrub my floor mats...and then I make your girlfriend - if you could ever get one and that's a very remote possibility - scrub my asshole. With her tongue.
I should have known better than to give a fucking zero like you a +2.
It just wasn't worth it.
Maybe you can find Captain Foamy and start your kindergarten shit with that zitboy - it's a much fairer fight for you.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-03-28 21:07:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i couldn't get past the first paragraph.
that was quite possible the shittiest valtrex joke evar.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-28 21:01:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Donovan's a cool cat, but I have to agree with Shlongy. This is better than any of the stuff he wrote.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-28 21:01:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2006-03-28 20:59:43 (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
------
Haha
Tom Sorrell does not approve of playing with Mr. Donovan.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2006-03-28 20:59:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-03-28 20:51:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tony and Shlongy: BITCH FIGHT !!!!
Submitted by TonyMontana (user info) at 2006-03-28 20:46:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
keep telling yourself that, shithead. i'm sure the guys at the carwash where you work really respect you for who you are.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-28 20:44:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
They should ...they're the only ones that matter around here.
And that includes yours, asshole.
Submitted by TonyMontana (user info) at 2006-03-28 20:35:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
thanks, schlongy. your opinions seriously mean so much to me.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-28 20:31:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this better than any of Donovan's posts.
You're usually just a big load of elephant shit, Montana...How'd you come up with this gem?
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-28 20:20:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Donovan-bashing auto +2
...
...just kidding.
El oh el.
Yeah...
...weep.