I Taught My Neighbor How To Use The Internet and Now She Knows I Plan to Kill Her (960 hits)
Category: Politics -> LibertariansRating: 1.25 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by potty (View user info) at 2006-03-29 01:12:53 EST
One of my neighbors is an old Chinese grandmother. Her grandson graduated from the high school a couple years ago. He played basketball and I heard he was good. You might remember his name...but I don't. His dad plays basketball too. I played him once and he won pretty badly but, there is really no shame in losing to a 40 year old man in basketball unless he starts talking shit, which is pretty much what happened. According to his dad, the old grandmother's son, I dribble like a "crippled goat's left testicle" (roughly translated). I like the old lady though. She goes to church several times a week, which has become her only pastime. She tried to convince me to go to church with her. I believe that he sincerely cares about me so in turn, I tried to give her some advice of my own--spend all your money on hookers before you die. Too bad she didn't understand me.
I was making an omelet the other night and I realized that I didn't have any cheese so I went down to my Mexican neighbor to borrow some. I knocked and my neighbor quickly opened the door while holding a beer in his hand. I asked him for some cheese and he ran to the kitchen and came back with 3 slices of Kraft Singles. I thanked him.
"Que nada, man!"
His enthusiasm scares me sometimes. I peeked over his shoulders and saw his son sitting on the carpet, watching television. The son had a frightened look on his face and I felt sorry for him. Kraft Singles suck. My Mexican neighbor has two sons but the older one is in jail. After a few seconds, I realized that I was still staring at his son. I wrapped up the awkward silence with a cough and started to leave.
"Hey man!"
I turned around.
"You remind me of my son, man (referring to the one in jail). He liked cheese too but, you know, he's not fat like you."
I smiled back at him and thought, you better hope and pray that your son is not like me because I always drop the soap while I'm in the shower.
My worst neighbor is a Chinese woman living with her husband. She just bought a new computer and figured that it is my job to teach her how to use it. I don't mind teaching but the fact that she has the intelligence of a giraffe makes the task rather agonizing. Every single day, she would knock on my door, asking why a window popped out on her screen. I have conditioned myself to slam my face against my table when I hear a knock on the door just so I can divert the pain of hearing her speak. I even made her a post-it showing her that X means close and _ means minimize along with instructions on how to turn off her computer. Yet, she still comes up with the same questions over and over again. Sometimes I just have to wonder how she can be so stupid that she doesn't just stab herself in the face while making a ham sandwich.
I feel sorry for her husband. He must have raped many nuns and assassinated many Popes in his past life to deserve this shit.
I've learned one thing in this experience though. People don't aspire to kill with the intention of hurting others; people kill to save themselves from pain. In that, I've been stockpiling the liquid from plastic cigarette lighters. For now, I will have to settle for telling her that the only way to close Microsoft Word is by unplugging the computer.
Oh, just kidding about the title. She still doesn't know how to use the Internet.
User Reviews
Submitted by el_em_en_oh (user info) at 2006-03-29 15:49:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Nicely done.
Look forward to many more... only better... and with more rape
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-03-29 13:13:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
nice story. there is potential here.
Keep writing.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-03-29 09:50:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-29 08:55:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-29 08:44:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's "de nada," not "que nada."
Submitted by Adereterial (user info) at 2006-03-29 08:16:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2006-03-29 06:31:03 (#)
Ranking: 1
I've lived in my house for over 5 years, only have a neighbour on one side and I've spoken to them fleetingly 3 times. Ah, Britain.
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There's three flats in my building and I don't even know the names of the people who live in them.
I do know, however, that one of them keeps his cannabis stashed above the electricity meters in the communal hall and the other one likes Eminem. But these could be the same person.
Oh, and one of them lives of Rustlers microwaveable BBQ rib sandwiches and Walls microwaveable sausages, and cheap cider.
Ubercon Easton with free cannabis, anyone?
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2006-03-29 06:31:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I've lived in my house for over 5 years, only have a neighbour on one side and I've spoken to them fleetingly 3 times. Ah, Britain.
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-03-29 06:05:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-03-29 03:41:00 (#)
Ranking: 0
"I feel sorry for her husband. He must have raped many nuns and assassinated many Popes in his past life to deserve this shit."
This was a nice line, in a pool of "meh."
Submitted by Sheba (user info) at 2006-03-29 05:32:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-03-29 03:41:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"I feel sorry for her husband. He must have raped many nuns and assassinated many Popes in his past life to deserve this shit."
This was a nice line, in a pool of "meh."
Submitted by fuzzy_buzz (user info) at 2006-03-29 02:57:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HEHEHE. Wish i had a mexican neighbour. I would love to drift off to the sound of maraccas every night.
sigh..
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2006-03-29 02:52:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice random story.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-03-29 02:33:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hehe
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-29 01:47:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahaha, just noticed the category.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2006-03-29 01:39:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by soccer (user info) at 2006-03-29 01:33:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
laughoutloud
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-29 01:15:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahahhaa!