The Dude Upstairs (Chapter 6) (2088 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 2 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Grimm <grimmjuice.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2006-03-29 08:03:40 EST
Chap 1 http://www.ubersite.com/m/85013
Chap 2 http://www.ubersite.com/m/85232
Chap 3 http://www.ubersite.com/m/85403
Chap 4 http://www.ubersite.com/m/85558
Chap 5 http://www.ubersite.com/m/85867
And the saga continues...and I suppose it will continue until the Dude dies, is arrested, or I start getting -2DIE's up the ass.
I listened to all your suggestions for the "gift exchange" that's ongoing between Dude and I, and I loved most of them. I really enjoyed Professional_Peon's suggestion for a big black vibrator, but they're a little expensive and I don't really want to go into an adult store and buy one...I'm secure in my sexuality - just not that much. Peon - got one I could borrow?
So Monday on my lunch break I head to Home Depot and buy a six dollar toilet seat (thanks to NotSteve's suggestion). I was looking for the cheapest toilet seat, and by sheer luck alone this happens to be a vinyl covered job emblazoned with SpongeBob SquarePants. I don't know why kids would want to take a dump with their fuzzy cheeks on SpongeBob's head, but the world is a strange place.
I leave it in the cardboard box, and after work go home to leave it by his door. As I enter the foyer, I see a present in front of MY door:
A brand new toothbrush and a glove-compartment sized can of WD40.
It's kind of funny, but certainly not of the par that I've come to expect from Dude. Maybe he's drinking too much...At any rate, I feel that I shall win today with my toilet seat - so I place it in front of his door.
I happen to be in the living room when he comes home a few hours later, and I hear him enter the foyer, start climbing the steps, and then I hear him start chuckling.
"Good one, dude!" He says, sounding very happy with the world.
Tuesday morning I'm on my way out the door and I find an empty tube of Pringles (Sour Cream and Onion) and an old G.I. Joe. I'm familiar enough with G.I. Joe to even know which guy it is - Destro, one of the Cobras. I'm a little late, so I stuff the things in my bag and head out to work.
The first half of yesterday was a little busy (see yesterday's post), but in the afternoon I turn my attention to thinking about the Dude. I pull out the Pringles Can and the G.I. Joe, getting ready to throw them out, and that's when I think of a better way to work this little contest.
What if I take everything the Dude gives me and do something strange with it, and then give it back? At the very least, this will save money.
O.K., but what the fuck am I gonna do with a G.I. Joe and an Empty Pringles can?
I think about it for an hour, and even enlist the help of co-workers. In the end, I can only come up with one idea - but I start to think that it might be a tiny bit offensive to some. I think some more, decide to go for broke, and do it.
I cut the Pringles tube up and arrange the pieces into an 8 or 9 inch tall crucifix. I then take the G.I. Joe and attach him to it with rubber bands. I'm not religious, so it's more funny than sad to me, but I do worry a little bit that the Dude might be offended. But, at least I'm crucifying a Cobra and not one of the good guys. I even tilt Destro's head back in agony.
So I head home yesterday evening, and when I get there the landlord is on the front lawn pulling out some garbage that tends to get tangled in the front bushes when the wind is right. I go over and we talk for a little while, and he asks how I'm liking the place and if I'm getting along well with the other tenants. If this was a week or two ago, I might have ratted out the Dude for his zany ways, but I'm starting to get a little fond of him now. (No, not in that way)
As we're talking, the Dude pulls into the driveway, sees us talking, and walks over. I give him a nod and the landlord shakes his hand and asks if "You guys are getting along."
"Yeah," the Dude says to him. "But there is a little problem."
"Oh?" Landlord says. "What might that be?" I'm also looking at the Dude with interest.
"(Grimm) keeps leaving crap in the foyer by my door. I don't know if he thinks it's funny or not, but it's starting to get a little annoying."
I stare at him in shock, with wide eyes, until I realize the landlord is looking at me for an explanation.
"I uh...I thought....(Dude), why don't you tell him the whole story?"
"The whole story?"
"Um..yeah - how I'm not the only one doing this?"
"Oh, that." He turns toward the landlord. "(Grimm) told me he's gay, so I left him some condoms. Maybe that's how all this started?"
"What?!" I shout upon seeing the landlords expression. "I'm not gay, damnit, I've told you that a hundred times!"
"All right boys, settle down now." The landlord says. "Just don't leave anything for each other anymore, the foyer should be kept clear in the event of a fire anyway, and..." he drones on for a little bit while I keep giving angry -2 stares to the Dude.
Finally the landlord runs out of air and goes home, leaving me and the Dude on the front lawn. I look at him with burning questions in my eyes and he avoids my stare. He heads inside and I follow him.
In the foyer, he looks up at his door and turns to me.
"What? No present today?"
"Fuck you! What was that about, telling the landlord that shit?"
"Oh, relax."
"Fucking relax? Now he thinks I'M the psycho, when it's really YOU."
"I had to get you back, man."
"Back for what?"
"You've been leaving really good gifts. I feel like I can't compete. I had to get one up on ya somehow."
I look at him for a moment then reach into my bag and hand him the crucifix.
"See what I mean?" he says. "This is great. I'm gonna hang it up above my new toilet seat."
Despite everything, I have to laugh.
"You installed SpongeBob?" I ask.
"Oh yeah." He says, and goes upstairs.
This morning on my way out I find an envelope under my door marked "To (Grimm) - CONFIDENTIAL"
Inside? A dime bag, and a note that says "Sorry"
Gotta love that Dude...
User Reviews
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-01-22 04:58:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this is truly good.
this could be a small mini series sitcom or something.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-03 16:28:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dervish (user info) at 2007-07-13 09:22:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just read every single one of these, in sequential order.
You now owe me the following:
1. A new set of pants (peed them laughing)
2. A new keyboard (spit coffee on it repeatedly)
3. A written explanation to my boss as to why I spend the first half hour of work giggling like an idiot
You will notice that I did NOT include "the half hour I spent reading your posts". That was well-spent.
Good show.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-04-18 22:59:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by phauna (user info) at 2006-04-18 07:32:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have no more gay jokes.
Submitted by tarnation (user info) at 2006-04-15 00:28:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-04-12 10:46:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHA-
Wow... Either the truth is so much more entertaining than fiction, or you write really good fiction.
Submitted by SteveJohnson (user info) at 2006-04-05 10:30:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-04-04 10:24:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awwww you made a friend! with weed.
a friend with weed is better - placebo? i think
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-04-04 10:18:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i have an 18" anal dildo that's basically a stick with large balls strung up it that came into work that i could send you. it even has a ring on the end you could use for keys or something. want it? we have two, one black and one fleshtone.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-04-03 22:37:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2006-03-29 23:00:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is getting better and better.
I am coming to visit, don't worry I'll bring presents. The dude needs a lamp shaped like a light bulb and an Albert Einstein figurine. I don't know why, but they just go together in my head.
I won't say what you get.
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-03-29 18:21:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-03-29 14:26:50 (#)
Ranking: 0
I would be happy to post pics, but I only know how to post 1 jpg at a time - what program are people using in other posts to combine several jpgs into one? *looks confused and helpless*
===========================================================
I'm anything *but* a computer whiz, but I've managed a couple posts using multiple images. I think just about every computer comes with "Paint" under the accessories menu. Open a fresh "Paint" then left click an image/copy and paste it into Paint. Repeat with multiple photos and arrange them as you like / add text.
Just make sure to remember when you save your masterpiece to "Save As" a .jpg file from the drop down menu!
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-03-29 15:50:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny shit.
and use paint/photoshop to save a collage of pictures.
Submitted by Astropath (user info) at 2006-03-29 15:24:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit. Now I want him to be my neighbor too.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-29 14:52:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent shenanigans and high in entertainment value - this is how to Uber, you new kids...
Submitted by hyprspacd (user info) at 2006-03-29 14:47:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This series is great.
Yes, we want pics...
perhaps one of the dude himself?
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-03-29 14:26:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I would be happy to post pics, but I only know how to post 1 jpg at a time - what program are people using in other posts to combine several jpgs into one? *looks confused and helpless*
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-03-29 14:03:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-29 13:45:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-03-29 11:49:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
But I agree with whoever below said you should take pics.
That would rock!
Submitted by evesapple (user info) at 2006-03-29 13:07:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha sweet
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-03-29 11:49:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
THANKS FOR THE PRIZE!!!
But I agree with whoever below said you should take pics.
That would rock!
Submitted by Leonfc (user info) at 2006-03-29 11:11:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Another one on behalf of my mate working in a prehistoric company
Submitted by Leonfc (user info) at 2006-03-29 11:10:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Loving the series!
Emailed a mate of mine who can't access the internet at work, the first and second parts and he loves them too!
I want a dude upstairs :o(
Submitted by disco_brad (user info) at 2006-03-29 09:46:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
man, the dude upstairs is cracking me up
all of these stories are awesome
keep em coming
i suggest leaving a tub of vaseline and see what he does
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-03-29 09:30:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YEAH!!! DO I WIN A SHINEY NEW +2 for my fabulous suggestion!?!?!?!?
I would have considered letting you borrow mine..... If I hadn't burned the motor out of it.
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2006-03-29 09:12:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I FULLY expect my cut of the weed.
Submitted by DizzyMissus (user info) at 2006-03-29 08:58:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Another kicker of all ass.
Keep it up Grimm!
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-03-29 08:23:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-03-29 08:14:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm lovin this series. And I loved this part:
"he drones on for a little bit while I keep giving angry -2 stares to the Dude."
---------------------
See, this line almost spoilt it for me. I've taken a disliking to Uber-isms in posts recently.
Meh, its my problem, not yours.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-29 08:17:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-03-29 08:14:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha, and indeed, ha.
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-03-29 08:14:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm lovin this series. And I loved this part:
"he drones on for a little bit while I keep giving angry -2 stares to the Dude."
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-03-29 08:13:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you should take a picture of what you leave each day.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-03-29 08:13:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Destro kicked ass.
I could have guessed the dude would be a narc. What a douche.