Mayfield! (II) (633 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Mayfield!
Rating: 2 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jack McCallum (View user info) at 2006-03-29 17:01:50 EST
Mayfield! (I) http://www.ubersite.com/m/85620
---6 June VS the Maytag Repairman---
"Oh dear," June said, as she began making the boy's beds shortly after they had left for school.
She had already made breakfast for herself, bathed, made up her face, dressed for a day around the house in a lovely yellow bouffant skirt, a crisp white blouse with a small matching yellow bow on the collar, yellow pumps, and of course, her pearl necklace. Then she had fed Ward and the boys, packed Wally and Theodore's lunches, sent them on their way to school, mulled over the curious fact that Ward was taking yet another day off work to work in the back yard on his ridiculous underground family room— what were they, Mole People?* She had done the dishes, made a light lunch of cold cut sandwiches for Ward and herself and put it in the refrigerator, let the repairman in the back door so he could service the Maytag washer, vacuumed upstairs and down, dusted the furniture, made her and Ward's marital bed as she did very day lest the boys ever see evidence of true loving fidelity in their combined tacky, drying emissions binding the sheets together like liquid starch does to paper mache, and now she was right on schedule, making the boy's beds, and it was not even 10AM.
June had gotten used to cleaning up Ward's emissions on those rare times when she did not feel like knowing him in the biblical sense or whenever her cycle was particularly stressful and she employed a little technique she called the man-juice tickle, always amazed by the fourteen or fifteen thick arcs of fertilizing seed that would erupt from Ward's organ of generation.
Just a few short years ago it had been very difficult for her to accept that young Wally was well on his way to becoming a man, as evidenced by the stained sheets she had cleaned for him. Of course, she would never say a word about it. She was delighted that he was developing into a healthy young man in every respect and not a filthy commie pansy, and she only had to deal with the issue, his issue, a few days each week, so it wasn't as if her first born son was an obsessive onanist.
Theodore was another matter.
The Beaver was just a baby! Why she had only stopped bathing him a few short years ago, and although it appeared that he was going to have as impressive a masculine endowment as his father, he had not hit puberty... at least as far as she knew. She wanted her little boy to remain a little boy at least a few years longer!
June paused, still remembering the first time she had seen Ward's delicious monstrosity, biting back as scream as it grew before her eyes, surging higher with each beat of his loving heart. Ward had assured her that it wouldn't hurt a bit as he asked her to bend over a chair so he could give her the business, and he had been right. If Disneyland had rides like that—
She opened a window and let a cool breeze carry away thoughts utterly unsuitable for such a beautiful morning and folded sheets as stiff as cardboard into shapes that would fit into her laundry basket.
She went downstairs with the laundry and found the burly repairman just finishing up, replacing the metal housing on the back of the machine and sliding it back against the wall.
"Thank you," June said. "This is perfect timing. I've really got to get a load in." She dropped a pillowcase with a dry and flaking white streak across it and bent to pick it up.
The repairman was bending at the same time, picking up his toolbox, and for the first time he noticed that Mrs. Cleaver had what had to be the most perfect bottom on any woman anywhere.
"Now if you'll just leave the bill," June said, turning to face the man, "My husband will..."
There was some sort of tool distending the crotch of the man's overalls, and June hoped it wasn't what she thought it was.
"You must be broadcasting some kind of crazy signal, baby," Ward had said when they first began dating, marveling at how often men became noticeably erect around June and relishing the opportunity to work out his frustrations by pounding some sense into them.
"I got a load you can put in, right here," the repairman said.
He sounded delirious and staggered toward her as if drunk, staring at her bosom as a line of saliva trickled down his chin, and all June could think was, Oh dear, here we go again.
Just as the man began unzipping his coveralls with one hand and groping himself with the other, June drove the palm of her hand up into the man's nose hard enough to shatter the bones inside, just as Ward had taught her, but not hard enough to drive though bones up into the man's skull to kill or permanently disable the man, as Ward would have insisted she do.
The man collapsed, his tumescence subsiding as blood gushed from his nose.
June went upstairs to get a clean cloth and some ice. She was sure the man would be himself soon enough. He just needed some sense knocked into him.
"Sometimes," June said to herself as she opened the freezer door, "I wish I was just a little less desirable than I appear to be."
---7 Ward Wonders What the Heck Just Happened---
Ward crossed the bomb shelter, stepping around a crate containing US Army C rations, and opened a metal door. He stepped into a short, concrete-lined tunnel and opened another door. He listened carefully, and when he was sure he would not be seen he stepped into the basement.
June would have flipped her wig if she knew he had knocked a hole in the basement wall for the tunnel to the bomb shelter, but he knew that two entrances were better than one. And in his line of work he knew that two exits were always better than one.
He placed one palm against the basement wall near the tunnel entrance and pushed in. A stone block moved, revealing a niche. There was an assortment of cases in the niche. Ward chose one and removed it, sliding the stone bock back into place.
He was about to head back to the bomb shelter and do a little maintenance on the thing in the case when he heard a weak groan. He walked over to the washer and dryer and saw a man in coveralls lying on the floor covered in blood.
"Hmmm," Ward said. "I wonder what the heck just happened?"
He heard June coming down the stairs and darted back into the tunnel, closing the door behind him.
Back in the privacy of the bomb shelter Ward opened the case and began carefully cleaning every single part of the disassembled Mannlicher Carcano 6.5mm bolt-action rifle that just might see some use by Thanksgiving.
---8 Wally and Eddie and the Beaver---
Wally was walking down the sidewalk with his little brother when Eddie ran up and slapped his pal on the back.
"How are you doing, old chum?"
Wally looked at Eddie and said, "Old chum? If you want a favor, Eddie, just ask, okay?"
Eddie looked sheepish for just a split-second, and then said, "Listen, I missed Mr. Sarchovsky's class at the end of the day yesterday. Any chance I could borrow your notes?"
"Uh, actually, I missed that class too, Eddie. Say, where were you?"
"In jail," Eddie replied. "Until my dad got me bounced."
Wally chuckled. "You're such a kidder, Eddie."
"Yeah, I'm just a barrel of laughs. So where were you yesterday, Wallace?"
"Oh, I was talking with Robert Kennedy," Wally said. "He bought me a soda. You know, for a grown-up, he's real neat."
Eddie slapped Wally on the back and said, "Who's the kidder now, huh?" He noticed the Beaver stop and lean against a shop window.
"Don't you have to go to school, squirt?"
"Yeah," Theodore said. "I'll get there eventually." He reached into one pocket and took out a weird looking pair of sunglasses.
A couple of girls from Wally's class came down the sidewalk and Beaver slipped on the glasses his friend Duane had given him, smiling as the girls walked by.
"Beav," Wally said. "Let's hop. You don't want to be late."
"Naaah," the beaver replied. "I think I'll just stay here a while."
Eddie laughed at Beavers attempt to look cool and asked, "What are you doing, you little goof?"
"I'm checking out boobs," Beaver said, as another girl approached. He tapped the glasses with one finger and grinned from ear to eat as the girl walked by in front of him. "These are x-ray specs, fellas. And they really work."
Eddie and Wally just looked at each other.
---TCB---
* Prove your geekiness by being the first to explain why this is an inside joke!
User Reviews
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-02-06 16:23:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-04-05 21:47:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*giggle*
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-04-05 16:34:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I walked away from my desk for 20 minutes and left my word doc open for all to see. Hopefully readers were not offended by what Ward did with a fistful of pinecones.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-04-05 16:33:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If I don't get fired.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-04-05 16:33:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Mayfield! part 3 will be up soon.
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2006-04-04 09:37:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-03-31 05:42:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-30 08:17:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
THERE IS NO ESCAPE FROM THE MOLE MEN
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2006-03-29 23:31:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good read
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-29 22:31:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-03-29 17:46:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
sometimes i talk about posters from uber out loud to other groups of people.
"jack wrote something interesting the other day."
"who's jack?"
"this guy on a forum."
"a forum? are you kidding? why are you talking about that out loud? never speak of it again!"
cue point where fellow uberer punches me in the neck and i cease to speak of it.
anyway, just thought i'd let you know i enjoy your posts.
--------------------------------------------------
Hmm. I tend to say to my friends things like, "Hey, you know that website where I told you guys I was posting my fiction? This guy wrote something good the other day." and no punches or strange looks are forthcoming. I suspect you live in Nazi Germany circa 1942.
Oh, and your story is wrong on so many levels, Jack, but so very right.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-03-29 22:01:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HOLY BATSHIT, RATMAN!!! No one in their right mind could possibly pervert
the Cleaver Clan in such short order. June's pearls WERE NOT the product
of Ward's massive member. Or at least that wasn't the way it was in the
original script. Jack, ya is one uv dem dere preverts... :-O
Submitted by Benny (user info) at 2006-03-29 21:11:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That Ward guy sounds like a freak. 15 thick arcs of semen? No wonder why June has to wash the sheets. Ward could make bukkake movies starring just himself.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-03-29 19:50:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-03-29 17:49:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-29 17:32:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
Huh
Don't know on the joke question. But that first review of yours had an admirable number of 'fucks' in it.
--
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0049516/
The Mole People.
Starring High Beaumont and... John Agar!
Cheap sets, terrible costumes, stilted dialogue, laughable acting...
It doesn't get ANY better than that, folks!
Actually... it's better than most mid-fifties quickie horror adventure flicks. And it has... John Agar! The star of one of the greatest films ever made, The Brain From Planet Arous!
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-03-29 17:49:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ace
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-03-29 17:46:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sometimes i talk about posters from uber out loud to other groups of people.
"jack wrote something interesting the other day."
"who's jack?"
"this guy on a forum."
"a forum? are you kidding? why are you talking about that out loud? never speak of it again!"
cue point where fellow uberer punches me in the neck and i cease to speak of it.
anyway, just thought i'd let you know i enjoy your posts.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-29 17:32:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Huh
Don't know on the joke question. But that first review of yours had an admirable number of 'fucks' in it.
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2006-03-29 17:20:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Perverting my childhood memories
Priceless
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-03-29 17:07:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-29 17:06:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
cool stuff
I believe Hugh Beaumont was in that thar Mole People moving picture, eh?
--
You got it. I can't remember the title, though.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-29 17:06:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
cool stuff
I believe Hugh Beaumont was in that thar Mole People moving picture, eh?
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-03-29 17:04:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You know what I fucking hate? When the fucking preview feature shows you one fucking thing and the fucking submission is another fucking thing. I spend half my fucking time fucking around with fucking tabs and fucking spaces to make the fucking preview look just fucking right and then my fucking paragraphs are out of fucking alingment in the final fucking post.
Fuck.