A Sobering Few Days (930 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.82 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by LittleMonster (View user info) at 2006-03-30 06:45:30 EST
The circumstances leading up to my arrest were pathetically unspectacular. If one has to be arrested and thrown into jail (A Turkish jail at that), surely it is better to at least come away with an entertaining story to amuse friends and family. We want SWAT teams, helicopters and at least three people with mega phones screaming at you to lie down on the ground with your hands behind your head etc etc. I unfortunately, continued the British tradition of a benign execution of life, and did not find myself at gun point, licking gravel off the pavement, nor did a single squad car screech to a halt three inches from my nose, in fact things only really became clear as to how much trouble (considering the disappointingly peaceful arrest) I was actually in, when I got to the police station.
I, Spanish Monster, aged 21 and 1 month had been arrested for being drunk and disorderly in a not so big town somewhere between Pamukkale and Bodrum. Now this is all well and good, it is not unusual for me to drink in somewhat excessive quantities, or to get a little disorderly. What was unusual was that I hadn't had even so much as a sip of alcohol in two days and I was just walking home to the Turkish family I was staying with. It was seven o'clock in the evening.
Something wasn't right.
When they arrested me, they told me very little.
Police man 1 (lets call him Twitch) "You come with us"
Police man 2 (Let's call him Brain Storm) "NOW"
Something inside ceased to aid me with rational thought and like many before me I made a bad situation impossibly worse. In fact it was a piece of art, no one can fuck up like me when I take my size nine and ram it so far in my mouth the lace's get caught on my tonsils. The smart thing to do here would have been to very politely ask why, get in the car with no further questions and argue it out at the police station, preferably with a lawyer present. Or at the very least a translator.
My response to Twitch and Brainstorm: "Over my dead, cold, rotting body".........oops.
Again they asked, no that's wrong, they TOLD me to get in the car. Looks were exchanged. I gave them my best 'eat shit and die' stare, and Twitch took out the hand cuffs. Needless to say, his hand cuffs and gun (yes gun - for you Americans out there, English police do not carry guns. Unless you live in Nottingham) were vastly more intimidating than my withering "look". This is the same look I have been giving people since primary school. It didn't scare toddlers, it won't scare Turkish police, and in fact the most common response to it is concern. People just ask me if I'm constipated.
Anyhoo, I get in the car. In hind sight I should have been very worried at this point, but like I said that only came later, when I found out the farcical explanation to my detention. Then I shat myself.
Now, I will take this time to tell you a little bit about a Turkish cell. It's nasty. It's a damp, icky, blood on the walls, shit and god knows what else on the floor, reeking of moldy sweat, cesspool of a hole. You have a pallet cot and a hole in the ground, to shit, piss and throw up in. I was apparently lucky (oh the irony) because I had a tap with running water. All in all, not a fun place to be, I don't recommend it. It will not be making any holiday guides list of "must see place's".
Twitch, Brainstorm, another police man (lets call him fuck face - as you can see, I have fond memories of this guy) and a boy (could be no older than 16) all came into my cell. I was sat on a chair (one of those hard stool, type chairs you used to have at achool) and the fun began. First they explained to me why I was there (the drunk and disorderly charge), also that I must remain silent whilst they explained all this. Twitch and Brainstorm said and did very little, but with the combined IQ of a potato, it was as I expected. What did catch my attention was the boy filling up buckets of water and grinning like necropheliac in a grave yard.
I attempted to disagree with fuck face, I was about to explain to him I wasn't drunk and I hadn't been disorderly, it resulted in a bucket of water getting thrown in my face. The air turned blue.
"MOTHER FUCKER.....AGGARAHHHHHHRRIEEEEE" I roared.......
WOOSH.........another bucket of water.
"YOU FUCKING BRAINLESS BASTARD,WHAT THE FUCK ARE...."
WOOSH......another bucket of cold water. Apparently they strongly objected to the reference to their mothers.
This continued for a while until I decided (wisely for once) to shut the fuck up.
Fuck face was grinning from ear to ear as he explained that the water was to sober me up, and that I talk nonsense and it just proves how drunk I really was. I don't think I have ever felt exasperation up to that point.....I mean seriously......whatthefuck!!!
"But...."
WOOSH
"ARE YOU KIDDING..."
WOOSH
"BASTARDS...."
WOOSH
They decided at that point to leave me to think about it for a while........a good few hours.
When they came back, I got a bucket in the face for good measure, and it was explained to me that I must have been drunk, because no one foreigner, sober, would resist arrest from two armed police men and tell them that I wouldn't be taken alive.
I tell you, I wish I could have seen the look on my face, it must have been priceless, and it was special enough to get a bucket of water and a fit of giggles from Brainstorm.
I kinda lost my presence of mind at that point and slipped into a "the wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead" coma. They called it a night, but the boy must have been instructed to douse me every hour or so, just to make sure I didn't continue my drunken outbursts. That little shit took up his job with gusto. No bother, I'm sure I'll catch up with him on the flip side.
I got no phone call, I got no lawyer, when ever I tried to open my mouth I got a bucket of water thrown at it (I wouldn't wash a pig in that water - so you can imagine how happy I was at having inhaled a good liter or two. By the third morning, I was so tried it made my eyes sting, I was definitely getting sick from being permanently drenched. I was hungry and very very unhappy.
At about 1 o'clock midday on the third day, I heard the words I will never ever forget.
"Get out"....."Your friends are come for you, they bring your passport"
The story of what they went through to find me, and how they got me out is another tale all of it's own, and I think they should write it. All I can say, is I'm eternally grateful.
When they let me go, I was told to get out of Turkey (which I didn't need telling at all- I'm going home baby!) and when I asked fuck face why they arrested me in the first place, to objections from friends to let it go, all I got in response was as follows (in Turkish - my friends translated for me):
#shrugging of shoulders# "Routine pass port check" ................The only reason they kept me, was for my suspicious behavior when being asked to accompany Twitch and Brain Storm to the police station. "It was this behavior (dead, cold body comment) that led them to believe you were drunk" "all charges dropped" "I had hopefully learnt a good lesson"
Indeed I had.
Turkish police have a fucked up sense of humor.
p.s. Disclaimer* the rest of the people I met were on the whole great, and I am confidant this was an isolated incident and not how all Police in Turkey conduct themselves. (tongue fits in cheek nicely).
User Reviews
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-04-29 20:44:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by moneyshotforyou (user info) at 2007-04-29 20:26:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Honestly I didn't read this but I too have had to deal with the "law" in Turkey. Near Incirlik (sp)
Referring me to that deserves a plus two.
Good times.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-02-08 22:45:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
In all seriousness, this was very enjoyable. I wish you'd post more.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-01-10 19:56:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome
+2 for the gigantic green breasts link
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-06-20 10:25:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahahahahaah. i'm actually tearing up a little here.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2006-04-11 07:38:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well said Redskieslookfake!
Ozzy - Good luck.......your going to need it. Let me know how it goes.
Wardy - words fail me, you provocative little shit stirrer.
All in all, thanks for the reviews. Tis good to be here.
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2006-04-06 17:15:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
har har turkish jail.
seriously though, well written.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2006-04-06 13:01:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-04-06 12:47:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really like the way this is written. Welcome to Uber.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-06 12:05:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-06 07:24:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm not going to read this and you can't make me... how do you like that?
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-04-06 07:12:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I missed this, but I liked it.
-Dave
Submitted by jme7551 (user info) at 2006-03-30 13:53:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That sucks glad it wasn't me
Submitted by el_em_en_oh (user info) at 2006-03-30 08:40:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice delivery. Well written. Good story. Keep it up. Don't suck. Write more.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2006-03-30 08:21:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Turkey? I thought all the Brits went on holiday in Spain.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-03-30 07:29:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Your delivery wasn't as good as it could have been, but this was still a pretty good tale.
Made all the more interesting by the fact that I'm spending 8 days travelling alone through Turkey from 19 April.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-30 07:20:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I say this with due consideration.
Fuck Turkey. Seriously
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-03-30 06:49:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Blimey. We thought we were going to end up in Turkish jail when we ended up on the wrong side of the border in cyprus after it was closed. We didn't though. http://www.ubersite.com/m/78428