The coming of the Messiah (Part I) (756 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.88 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sunny Gurm <sunnygurm.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2006-03-30 11:33:13 EST
Oh how I love Thursdays. Monday I was up until 4 doing a Physics lab, Tuesday I was up doing Calculus, Wednesday I was....watching internet porn until a ridiculous hour. So in my genius, I had scheduled my classes around so I would have Thursdays off.
This glorious morning I was enjoying sleeping in, until I heard a knock at my door. Who the fuck is coming to my house at this ridiculous hour I thought to myself. I kept on sleeping hoping they would go away, but the knocking came again. I walked to my door cursing and looking for a large blunt object.
I greeted an elder man in a suit, he looked very well put together. He looked like a real estate agent. With him was a tall woman, elegant black hair tied back, with some of the best DSL** I've ever seen.
"Hello", he said as he flashed me a shit eating grin.
"Hi"
"Did I wake you?"
"Um, not really", I said trying to be polite.
"Beautiful day today, isn't it?"
--Now here is the awkward silence. I stood there and stared blankly at him for about 10 seconds. Yeah it's a fucking nice day, what the fuck do you want? Needless to say I was getting into Godfather mode--
"Yeah, I suppose it's a nice day. But it's a bit chilly, you know. I guess you wouldn't really need a coat and could just wear long sleeve...I suppose a parka would be --"
"If you had to pick one person to rule the entire earth, who would you pick?", he interrupted.
Now here is where I realized who this man and the cum guzzler with him were. These are Jehovah's witnesses.
I'm a very accepting young man. I try to be. I'm open to new things. But Uber, there are some things you should know about Sunny G. He is from India, he is a Sikh, he is a communist. He is a nerd, he is a jock, and he loves a good debate. He talks about himself in the 3rd person since George Costanza started doing it. And it was just so damn trendy because all he wanted to do was fit in with bastard Canadians. But nothing says "I fit in" like a 'I LOVE CANADA' or 'NIAGARA FALLS' t-shirt, right?
But whoa fuck, pick one person to rule the earth? There were so many great leaders I could pick! Fidel, Saddam, Osama, maybe we could bring Lenin back to life and use him. After pondering this seriously, I gave him my answer.
"I'd put myself in charge"
They both laughed. Hard.
"But seriously, who would you choose"
What a cocksucker. I am dead serious here. Ok maybe I'll just let him know that I will in no way shape or form be involved with the Jehovah's Kingdom.
"Well since I'm a Sikh, I'd pick one of our gurus", I said to him while keeping a profound look on my face.
"But would they do well for the entire of mankind?"
"I think so yes", I said.
At that point I realized why I go to university. I go to study math and science in the hopes of getting a good job, or starting my own business. In turn, I will make lots of money (or so I hope).
But what will I do with all that money? Well, just for the asshole on my front porch questioning my faith, I'd install a 'RELEASE THE HOUNDS' button. Mr. Burns had the right idea. Fuckin guy. Ooh man that'd be sweet, have your own button that releases killer Nazi style German wolf-style dogs at anyone you hate on your property.
"Well, I have a couple of readings here I think you might be interested in. The coming of the Messiah is said to happen around the time we live in. These booklets will tell you more about what will happen when Jesus Christ comes to take control of the earth"
That ladies and gentlemen is a direct quote. As an accepting person I gave them the benefit of the doubt. Until he had to blow it all with that Jesus invasion shit.
I wish I was making this shit up. Jesus is coming to take control of the earth? Fuck, well I better go join the Islamic extremists now! I don't want J.C. coming here and telling me what to do. Fuck that shit. Nothing against Jesus or anything. With all due respect. Fuckin' Jesus.
"He's coming??", I began to look up and down my street. There isn't going to be enough time to get ready for this invasion! I looked over my shoulder and half expected there to be Ezekiel standing there with a crossbow.
"Yes, the Messiah is coming. By the way, what is your name?"
"Sunny", I responded as I went to shake his hand.
"Nice to meet you, perhaps I will come back later to see how you liked the readings?"
I flashed my Arsenio Hall-esque teeth. "Yes, I'd like that". If this man thinks he can convert a bearded brown man who is CLEARLY not going to convert...mainly because if he did he'd be hunted down and shot like the infidel he is, I might as well let him try.
Round 2 coming soon bitches. I'm gonna stock up on beef jerky, Gatorade, and horse porn for the invasion.
** DSL: street slang for "Dick Sucking Lips". You had to have seen them. Oh yeah...oh...oh god I need to go to the bathroom
User Reviews
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-08-24 14:57:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It is your social duty as one of the nonconvertible to invite them in, feed them coffee and listen to them so that they DON'T GET THEIR HANDS ON THE IMPRESSIONABLE.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-08-18 18:28:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
more
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2007-08-18 16:05:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oh noez t3h sunny does not take me srsly. i shall go cry to my gay wow friends and cut myself.
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-18 14:55:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2007-08-18 14:42:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Just in case anyone else reading this cares, I consider myself neither a writer or a philosopher, but would like to become both later on
--
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2007-08-18 14:42:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Just in case anyone else reading this cares, I consider myself neither a writer or a philosopher, but would like to become both later on.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2007-08-18 14:40:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"D prime, how about instead of trying to insult me with your witty retorts...*a bunch of stupid attempts at witty retorts*" The irony is astounding.
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-17 22:07:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The sad part is you consider yourself a writer. I do this for fun.
Envious much, fry guy?
Get ready everyone for a defense of how much of a prick I am and how he's a philosopher, not a writer. Save your retorts.
D prime, how about instead of trying to insult me with your witty retorts, wait first until you turn 16 and get your curfew extended beyond 10 pm. I'm gonna go out and get drunk at a party now, you know...where people socialize in real life? Don't you have a livejournal entry / WoW tournament to attend to on this friday night?
Fucking loser.
P.S. You won't go anywhere in life because of this piece of text.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2007-08-17 21:38:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
don't get your hopes up
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-16 20:55:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
fag below
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2007-08-16 19:29:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-08-16 13:06:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FlakMonkey (user info) at 2006-09-11 12:16:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sorry sunny, i forgot to rate this previously.
Submitted by Happily_Agnostic (user info) at 2006-09-11 07:02:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
People living in communist countries are the most misrable people in the world.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-03-31 02:43:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
All religious zealots must be tracked down and shot on site. Does this stance make me a zealot? Oh well...
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-03-31 02:01:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Whatever.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-03-30 16:32:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
no
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2006-03-30 13:31:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed it.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-03-30 12:43:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I thought this was going to be another ETS post with that title.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-03-30 12:37:02 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
fucking commie.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-03-30 11:57:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'd put myself in charge."
btw, here in Tidewater Virginia we just shoot those pesky door-to-door religious types. Shot two Mormon kids not too long ago. one's dead. and one can't wait to get well so he can continue to fulfill his mission.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-30 11:49:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You left out the part where you bent the lady over your toilet and dicked her silly.