People I Want to Punch In the Mouth (1835 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.64 on 55 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by shitfuck (View user info) at 2006-03-30 14:08:18 EST
The Pope, and not the new 'no one really cares about me yet because I'm not on my 12 month death bed but I will be soon' Pope--
The last one.
The dead one.
I was in Amsterdam drinking tap water, the Pope-Mobile pulls up behind me and he gets out and takes a few steps over to the tap I'm drinking from.
Before he can wipe his lip, he's doing that funny arm waving thing that all Catholics do. So I dropped him.
That's not really a true story.
I hate water.
I met Barbra Walters at the British Museum. Actually, I met her six foot four bodygaurd--he stopped me before I had the chance to punch her in the mouth. I can't really hold it against him, I mean, that's what he's paid to do.
To make up for it, I bought a Barbra Walters doll and took a picture of myself punching it in the mouth.
I sent it to her bodygaurd.
I'm not sure if he laughed.
I don't own a time machine--in fact, anyone that tells you that they do is probably an escaped mental patient. I wouldn't trust them behind the wheel of a motor vehicle, they might dissappear. Try explaining that one.
Speaking of vanishing--I punched a few ghosts out. I'm special like that.
I've tried to grow pot on several different occasions.
All I can say is those plants are lucky they didn't have any mouths to punch.
My sisters give me the F finger all the time.
If anyone punched them in the mouth I'd probably eat their heart. Forget about 'revenge punches'.
I didn't pull any punches when I met with the members of the UN last night--it's about time somebody told them they were failing as an institution.
And beat some sense into them.
The Pope told me to.
I was going to punch Pop Music in the mouth, but then decided it wasn't worth my time. They make themselves look like fools better than I ever could--and I've got nice fists. Come to think of it--all of my friends do too.
I've punched them in the mouth accidentally.
Mostly because I was looking for someone else to punch.
If you ask a politician if you can punch them in the mouth they'll tell you something like this: in the history of the mouth I have never heard such confoundedness, such apparital acrimonious personality!
You should punch them twice as hard.
A teacher of mine in elementary school punched me. I hit him with a snowball, he hit me with a fist.
That's public education for you--
Teachers that just want to give it their all.
I've met people that wanted to punch me in the mouth just for being alive.
I said: take your best shot.
8.7 out of 10 people won't punch.
Who knew we were all a bunch of tree huggin' hippy communists?
I've never really been involved in a bank heist. Mostly because that requires guns and plenty of foul language.
I hate guns,
But I can punch out expletives like the whore of Babylon on cocaine.
User Reviews
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-07-20 06:05:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oops.
Forgot that trivial +2.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-07-20 05:51:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Good LORD dude.
I thought I would use that handy little info hyperlink to find out more about you... and good jumping green Jesus Christ. You ARE a genius.
Nice work.
Holy shit.
Brilliant.
I mean, I was doubled over. A couple times.
You have a gift, man... AND you're fucked up something delightful. It's great media.
You could look at this as an opportunity for some sweet exposure... you already have a built-in audience with all the dickheads, nerds and otherwise curious folks who frequent this site and already think yer cool. Look at the bed wetting they do with all of the juvenile cutting and pasting that passes as "art"... imagine the reaction when they see something with some true production value.
Not to mention you can certainly trust the assholes around these parts to be maliciously honest with you... so you wouldn't have to waste any money on silly focus groups.
Is someone like you even up for serious fame-whorishness? If not- you could just be the writer and let someone do that part of it. Maybe animation? Finger puppets, maybe? Talking lumps of shit?
Whatever. It's fucking funny.
Although I gotta warn you... if you DID go commercial this stuff would probably be at least quasi-mainstream. It's absurdly entertaining... and you can't help but feel energized by the notion of sactually smashing some of those fuckers right in the mouth, either. Just THINK about the visuals to go along with that. Perhaps some Monty Pythonesque cut outs and you and/or character just kicking the shit out of them. Heck, this could be a bit in a web Commentary program. You could be like Lewis Black.
This world needs to hear more about how stupid it is... think about it.
Anyways, nicely done. Thoroughly enjoyed it.
r.
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-04-26 01:11:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We need to get our fuck on.
Submitted by Doodies (user info) at 2006-04-26 01:06:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-24 15:19:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG YOU HAVE TEH HUGEST PEENAR/PORTFOLIO
Submitted by myexstaintstain (user info) at 2006-04-21 14:46:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post gave me a bonar.
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-04-09 20:54:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post is so reeking of awesomeness.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-04-03 23:50:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
To make up for it, I bought a Barbra Walters doll and took a picture of myself punching it in the mouth.
I sent it to her bodygaurd.
I'm not sure if he laughed.
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-04-03 23:20:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm coming to Edmonton.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-31 07:05:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This list should be longer. Mine sure is.
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2006-03-31 02:14:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
REACH AROUND! http://www.ubersite.com/m/86071
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-30 22:51:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2006-03-30 21:36:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-03-30 18:16:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I know you were hoping I meant you Caulaincourt. I am sure you can find someone else to start a catfight with.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-03-30 18:09:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I knew that went somewhere
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-03-30 18:08:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i posted that in the wrong place
that was for jack's post
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-03-30 17:55:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-03-30 16:06:06 (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, that's a relief!
In other news, I'm watching the province I love get parcelled up and sold to Chinese and American conglomerates. Fuck I hate that.
Did you see my warning to stay away from Tim Horton's? Tell everyone you know to get out now--even if they've already lost, it's a bum stock, people are gonna get fucked right in the butt!
===
I ate a toasts and coffee at Tim Horton's two weeks ago. That's the only affiliation I have with Tim Horton's in the last 2 years. And since their coffee tastes so much like ass, I don't think I'll ever go back there...much less buy their stock.
And their commercials are more irritating than my asshole roomate, which if you'd knew him...is A LOT!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-03-30 17:49:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-03-30 17:38:38 (#)
Ranking: 0
GIVE ME THAT MONEY PWEESE
I AM A NIGGER AND I NEEDS A HAND OUT.
===
Look at this little cunt who thought that I was being serious.
So much for preaching about the wrongs of racism, you bitter housewife.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-03-30 17:38:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
GIVE ME THAT MONEY PWEESE
I AM A NIGGER AND I NEEDS A HAND OUT.
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-03-30 17:16:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We need to insert eachother into eachother more often.
Submitted by street-pirate (user info) at 2006-03-30 17:04:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've met people that wanted to punch me in the mouth just for being alive.
+ 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-03-30 17:03:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2006-03-30 16:44:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs more fist.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-03-30 16:20:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
my hero <sigh>
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-03-30 16:16:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ETS, quick! Your pills! Take them all!
Quick!
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-03-30 16:16:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Holy shit Caul, that website sucks my balls in so many ways.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-03-30 16:15:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
People I want to shoot in the fucking face:
George Bush (MURDERER and PROFITEER. I'd like to see his monkey face explode all over a Fox News microphone)
Laura Bush (Guilty bi-proxy. "Either you're with us or you're with the terrorists")
Marvin Bush (MURDERER and PROFITEER.)
Jeb Bush (MURDERER and PROFITEER.)
George HW Bush (MURDERER and PROFITEER.)
Barbra Bush (SEE: Laura Bush)
Dick Cheney (MURDERER and PROFITEER. I'd like to see his brains sraying out the back of his bald fucking head)
Donald Rumsfeld (MURDERER and PROFITEER. I'd like to see a severed black cock shove down his smiling throat, and his glasses broken into shards and jammed into his eyeballs)
FEMA Director (MURDERER and PROFITEER.)
FBI Director (MURDERER and PROFITEER.)
CIA Director(MURDERER and PROFITEER.)
Larry Silverstein (MURDERER and PROFITEER.)
Anyone else in on 9/11 (MURDERERS and PROFITEERS. ALL OF THEM.)
God will smite thee down with his furious vengeance and anger. They WILL know He is the Lord when he lays his vengeance upon them.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-03-30 16:12:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i like guns.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-03-30 16:06:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, that's a relief!
In other news, I'm watching the province I love get parcelled up and sold to Chinese and American conglomerates. Fuck I hate that.
Did you see my warning to stay away from Tim Horton's? Tell everyone you know to get out now--even if they've already lost, it's a bum stock, people are gonna get fucked right in the butt!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-03-30 16:03:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-03-30 15:59:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
Caul, the proof is in the pudding, I'm rich and your company is about to drop about a thousand jobs. Next time I'm in Montreal I'll stop by the restaurant you're washing dishes at and blow you a kiss, mon amour!
===
I don't work for them anymore.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-03-30 15:59:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Caul, the proof is in the pudding, I'm rich and your company is about to drop about a thousand jobs. Next time I'm in Montreal I'll stop by the restaurant you're washing dishes at and blow you a kiss, mon amour!
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-03-30 15:54:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-03-30 15:52:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You are so special.
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2006-03-30 15:34:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweetness.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-03-30 15:28:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know what else I want to punch in the mouth even though it doesn't have one? Whatever it is that keeps beeping every few seconds. It's not very loud but it's driving me insane and I've already walked around searching for it like a million times but I still can't find it because it seems to stop beeping when I look for it.
Grrrrr!!!! I'm so annoyed with this and the snaggletoothed big mouth I work with that I seriously think I'm going to end up killing someone today.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-30 15:20:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Don't be hatin' on Benedict...
Submitted by renz0r (user info) at 2006-03-30 15:05:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-03-30 14:49:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
http://duceppe.ytmnd.com/
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"But we are not really good at managing our money, so please keep pumping money into my province or else we will leave :-D"
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Really? Promise!?? Sweet :)
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-30 15:01:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I became mentally erect upon reading this.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-03-30 14:56:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-03-30 14:54:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-03-30 14:49:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
http://duceppe.ytmnd.com/
--------------
I don't know why I laughed at that. I don't even know who that guy is. I don't even know how to read!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-03-30 14:49:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://duceppe.ytmnd.com/
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-03-30 14:47:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
where's my retort, bitch?
Submitted by renz0r (user info) at 2006-03-30 14:46:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-03-30 14:11:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
i'd like to punch an Albertan.
GIVE US MORE TRANSFER PAYMENTS YOU CHEAP FUCKS!
----------------
NO DAMNIT
I'd like to punch a Quebecer.
GIVE US BACK OUR MONEY YOU LAZY FUCKS!!
:P
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-03-30 14:37:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Right now I'd like to punch my coworker in the mouth for talking too much about stupid things I'm not interrested in.
Then again, I'd rather not cut up my hand on her big crooked teeth. I'll settle for punching her in the throat and crushing her trachea so she can't talk anymore.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-03-30 14:37:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The new Pope is the scariest looking motherfucker alive.
In fact, I'm pretty sure he isn't alive. I think he's undead.
Don't get me wrong, AS POPE, I love the guy, I'm just sayin'.
Scary looking mother fucker.
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-03-30 14:36:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My dick is trembling with delight.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-03-30 14:34:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-03-30 14:14:06 (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey Caul, it's not my fault we're born in the money--and you guys got a neat-o language and some manufacturing (haha--enjoy the outsourced heaven you traitor!).
Wait a sec, I just read an article about the Maple Syrup boom--looks like a record haul for you guys! Congrats, now go shave your back and puke in a hooker's ass.
===
Eat merde, you royalist cowboy!
We got more than manifucaturing and syrup in the land of strip bars.
We also got the aereonautic industry (Bombardier bitch!), a huge large forest industy, a hydroelectric system that is unrivalled, IT companies that have more employees than Cacalgary's population, a WAY more...FUCK, WE COULD BUY ALBERTA WITH OUR BEER FACTORIES AND CIRCUS!
As you can see, our economy is way more diversified than yours, you short-sighted horseshit shovellers.
But we are not really good at managing our money, so please keep pumping money into my province or else we will leave :-D
p.s. Didn't you see the news that Canadian cities are among the most productive and attractive for investors in North America...MONTRÉAL COMING OUT ON TOP...BITCH! And it's the cheapest Canadian city to live in!
p.p.s. French > English
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-03-30 14:33:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"in the history of the mouth I have never heard such confoundedness, such apparital acrimonious personality!"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-03-30 14:29:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
would you like a donkey punch?
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-03-30 14:14:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sidley what part of AB are you in?
Submitted by SiddleyHawker (user info) at 2006-03-30 14:14:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i'd like to punch an Albertan.
GIVE US MORE TRANSFER PAYMENTS YOU CHEAP FUCKS!
---------------------------------------------------
Not my problem you don't live here. Fucking Quebec.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-03-30 14:14:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey Caul, it's not my fault we're born in the money--and you guys got a neat-o language and some manufacturing (haha--enjoy the outsourced heaven you traitor!).
Wait a sec, I just read an article about the Maple Syrup boom--looks like a record haul for you guys! Congrats, now go shave your back and puke in a hooker's ass.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-03-30 14:13:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-03-30 14:11:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'd like to punch an Albertan.
GIVE US MORE TRANSFER PAYMENTS YOU CHEAP FUCKS!
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-03-30 14:10:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Didn't Steve's IHOP and Average Dan already write this post today?