Peta doesn't care about monkeys. (460 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.33 on 3 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Joe Fatha <Popple_mario.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2006-03-30 18:20:25 EST
People for the Ethnical treatment of animals prides itself of being a group of elitist who love animals. Yet there's one thing missing in this equation:
PETA hates monkeys. Every year, thousands on teen activists burn down animal testing labs and take the animals. The pigs the rabbits, the pussies, the cocks, the turkeys etc...They also take monkeys. These monkeys endure horrible pain, and here's the story:
You're teen activist #1. Your main goal is to question authority and be a major cocksucker. You hate fur and any other type of animal clothing (despite wearing leather shoes and wool underpants). You look down at meat eaters (despite eating eggs in cakes). Your main hobbies are showing animals being tortured to those who chomp on a burger. You distribute stickers with unfunny slogans (Meat's No Treat For Those You Eat) because stickers are the ultimate questioning authority.
Teen activist #1 has been 4 years without any meat. You've converted 3 people into vegans (2 of which died from malnutrition), you've posted in your blog numerous times on how you're on "TOTAL ANIMAL LIBERATION"! (no seeing eye dogs for those poor blinds, no pets). Teen activist #1 meditates every day to a hippie new age bastardization of the old Asian stuff. With all this accomplished you get invited to a petition.
You think "Oh, another petition. Great!". That is until "Douchebag vegan #12" comes to you. She (most men in PETA are either stoned, or out to do it for the chicks, and I don't mean the baby cocks!) tells you it's no ordinary rally. It's a course on how to make bombs, and blow up a testing facility. Your face lights up.
You arrive to the meet. There is a man in blue in front of a box teaching people on cold metal chairs how to make various bombs. You see three or four Taliban members there. Next to you is an anxious man, sweating and rubbing his hands together. He whispers to himself
"If I save some rabbits I will have some vegan poontang tonight!"
Ignoring some very suspicious looking faces you continue to concentrate on the speaker.
"And we are going to get TOTAL ANIMAL FREEDOM by bombing shit up!" says the speaker. A Taliban member rises.
"DEATH TO AMERICA!" Says the Taliban member.
"Yes, uh, death to America's unethical treatment of animals.
The conversation drags. You finally learn how to make bombs and ride out on your hippie mobile® van. You feel satisfied because this van won't pollute the earth and will somehow save the rainforest.
You arrive with butterflies at the pit of your stomach. This is it. Time to save some animals lives. You barge in and see the place isn't blown up. A cute little rabbit, hell a pig or ferret will do. But instead you're only left with one choice. There is only one animal here and it's a monkey. He's smoking a cig and scratching his skull. You grab the happy motherfucker and stuff him in a cage. Then you drive off on a bumpy road, (since the stoned can't drive) and every bump hurts the monkey's skull. The monkey is addicted to smoking due to testing.
You soon find home and want to bring your monkey friend to your apartment. But you find a horrid sight. The monkey had a large tumor on his head and every bump caused the tumor to bleed more. The only thing to ease the pain would be smoking a smooth cigar. The monkey reaches out for it, but is immediately stopped by Teen activist #1. Now the monkey can't stand the pain! He jumps up and down and tries to break the tumor with no avail. You bring him up to your apartment. To soothe the pain you try different herbs and creams from your health store. It does no good.
The night comes and you drift to sleep. The monkey escapes. He goes back to the lab to find his monkey slut of a girlfriend. They go out to buy more cigarettes. Soon the ASPC is warned two wild monkeys are on the loose. Teen activist #1 finds the monkeys. The next morning he makes the monkey take an herbal tea bath and do yoga while praying to the sun. This is it, it the monkey doesn't get his smokes, he'll go bananas. But he finds his smokes have been discarded. The monkey plans another escape. He waits for teen activist #1 to take an herbal bath. This what he has been waiting for.
He grabs a rope ties it to the top of the building, and hangs himself to monkey heaven. Sad sad day for a monkey who is addicted to nicotine. Sad sad day.
Meanwhile his girlfriend finds another mate. This mate is more aggressive and ends up killing her over monkey custody.
There you have it. PETA doesn't care about monkeys.
User Reviews
Submitted by rockdocc (user info) at 2006-03-30 19:41:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"And we are going to get TOTAL ANIMAL FREEDOM by bombing shit up!" says the speaker. A Taliban member rises.
"DEATH TO AMERICA!" Says the Taliban member.
_____________________________________________________________
you made me laugh today.
that means one less child has to die.
you should be proud of yourself.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-30 18:25:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck PeTA
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2006-03-30 18:25:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"AH Chilled Monkey Brains."