Cleansing the World Plan A (522 hits)
Category: Politics -> IraqRating: 0.11 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JTC (View user info) at 2006-03-30 20:58:59 EST
I hear a lot of talk about how the earth can only support so many people. How in time, we will have overtaxed the earth and its ability to provide sustenance and support further population growth. There are no estimates of what year this breaking point will be reached, but I have heard population estimates ranging well into the tens of billions. You say, "Yams, there are only 6.1 billion people right now in the world, we don't need to worry about it, we will have space travel by then." Or maybe, "The end is near, stop worrying about overpopulation and CLEANSE YOUR SOUL," or something to either of those effects.
Anyway, whenever we reach that number, people are still gonna keep trying to make babies, and eventually, the moon will crash into the earth. The advent of advanced space travel will create the possibility of survival for the human race, but after a carefully devised plan to stabilize the moon's orbit fails, the world's population will decay into a state of total anarchy and before the moon destroys all life on earth, space aliens will come and see that these people are not worth saving, and life will end. Megatron will arrive from Planet Y to combat the nefarious forces of Unicron and his cronies, but the human wizards will meddle in their affairs, causing a rift in the fabric of space from which legions of undead will pour, decimating the tiny outposts on Mars that harbor the only pockets of human life left. Superman will arrive centuries late, as his space ship was detained on the way from Krypton for an emissions violation. Chuck Norris will wake up and turn the sun off, then dragon kick all of the undead left on Mars. He will procreate, creating a superhuman race of Chuck Norrises that will destroy the universe.
If you really want that to happen, then there is no reason for you to read my first plan to curb overpopulation. Otherwise, I present to you Plan A: another plague. In the mid-1300s the Bubonic Plague reached Europe via Italy and for the next decade it ricocheted across Europe, killing 25 million people. Outbreaks persisted into the 1600s. Now consider the damage possible today, with much denser areas of population and much faster and more frequent contact. The Plague killed a third of Europe's population in five years. And I say, do it again! Again! Don't send aid to countries besieged by outbreaks--in fact, make it illegal to do so. Yeah yeah, human rights, everybody deserves to live. Shut up, its a motherfuckin' PLAGUE! I can see it all so clear now...
In a rural village, under siege by a legion of orcs, brilliant biologists develop a genetically enhanced cold virus that attacks humanoids and turns them into trees. They release it on the orcs with astonishing results, but alas, when they travel to the capitol of the world to tell of their success, they unwittingly brought the virus with them. Planes and trains transmit the disease to everywhere within days, and by the time a total lockdown is put on all transportation and a state of emergency is declared, it is too late. The weak will now perish, and we must hope that the Klingons do not take such an opportunity to attack. We are safe from Borg assimilation, because the Borg only assimilate the strong, and dying humans and trees are very weak. In time, the strong humans develop a resistance to the disease, and the intelligent ones create one. They band together to create an ultimate force--CAPTAIN PLANET. The Klingons are defeated, earth is saved.
As you can see, Plan A is virtually foolproof. But, should it find disfavor with the Council of Elders, I have begun work on a new, more devious Plan B.
But seriously, giving aid to other countries only makes more people who need aid. Let the stupid people die.
User Reviews
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-04-28 19:43:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for this
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Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2006-04-28 14:37:23 (#)
Ranking: 0
Pussy popping either has to do with squeezing kittens until their heads pop off in a bloody mass, or fucking a previously unfucked girl, generally between the ages of 14 and 17. Or "18" as I like to call it. The reason I don't have kids is because after I pop a pussy, I kill it.
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Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-31 15:12:44 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
twee
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-03-31 08:48:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"you can't tell tiger-bot hesh what to do!"
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2006-03-31 00:40:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This was entertaining. But do you seriously predict that the super race of Chuck Norrises will be a destructive force? Now you've got me worried.
What sane adult would even want to bring a child into this world, condemning them to a certain future filled with depleted resources, mutant zombies, giant robots, and legions of destructive Chuck Norrises?
This calls for an aggressive PSA campaign on every major TV network.
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2006-03-31 00:20:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Man Ubersite has changed...since when was ANYTHING on here considered a serious post!? JGreening, I accept your -2, you know what's going down, but I don't know about the rest of you. You confuse me. You befuddle me.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-03-31 00:02:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
And this is for posting this as Iraq politics
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-03-31 00:01:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This is for being a spiteful dumbass
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-30 22:11:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This +2 is on the assumption that you were kidding.
Submitted by Luderhow (user info) at 2006-03-30 21:59:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
why you haters giving him -2's?? I mean hes totally right and this issues SHOULD be brought to the Council of Elders for examination.
buuuut thats not why i gave a +2, that pics awesome!!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-30 21:12:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Jooistoopid.
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2006-03-30 21:06:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Dude, I fucking totally believe that Megatron will do battle with Unicron above the shattered earth. Now the wizards...you're right. Its possible that the wizards won't interfere. Depends on if they learn their lesson.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-03-30 21:03:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
If you believed what you wrote, you'd have died before posting it.
Sooooo, fuck off.