Repercussions (724 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.55 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Alex DeWitt (View user info) at 2006-03-31 10:32:29 EST
'Do not walk on the grass' warns the sign. But what if you do? Hmm? I'll tell you.
Your weight will compact the soil beneath your feet, which will impede the root growth of plants, and cause decreased soil aeration. This results in increased denitrification (loss of nitrate-nitrogen to the atmosphere) as well as soil compaction induced nitrogen and potassium deficiency. This means that the grass will show poor health and reduced yield.
This reduces the habitat support for the range of invertebrates, particularly arthropods, which in turn will affect the food source of the birds which feed on them. During the migration season, these birds will have less energy and will therefore have to fly shorter distances. For example the Willow Warbler, rather than reaching its usual destination of South Africa may only get as far as the south of France. Seeing this unusual concentration of foreign birds in their sky, the French farmers, in their backward ways, may fear an avian revolution, and take shelter in their outhouses. This will mean less man hours to tend to the grape crops, which in turn will affect the export of French wine.
The global balance of wine importing will shift to other regions such as Australia and South Africa, increasing their GDP and their hold on the market. A price war will ensue, with supermarkets being locked in to the wine of a particular nation, and slashing their prices to fend off the competition. The public will lap up the ridiculously cheap booze, and the land will descend into chaos. Martial law will be declared, and the American administration will seize the opportunity to launch an attack which they will blame on fictitious terrorist groups.
There will be backlash and outcry from the cynisists, whilst war is declared on the nation which is currently in vogue to dislike. However this nation will counteract with its secret store of nuclear arms. Nuclear winter will reign, and humans will struggle for their right to once again re-populate the Earth.
So next time you think about walking on the grass...you just think about the repercussions.
Don't even get me started on the dangers of using flash photography during a performance of 'The Lion King'.
User Reviews
Submitted by xanderd (user info) at 2006-04-03 09:43:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
only 10 reviews :(
I considered doing a series of these but thought the novelty would wear off very soon? What do you reckon?
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-04-02 10:35:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA that's it, I'm going outside to duffer around the yard now.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-04-02 09:09:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha.
Submitted by xanderd (user info) at 2006-04-02 08:48:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
np
:)
Submitted by cascade (user info) at 2006-03-31 23:16:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I always get denitrification mixed up with defenestration. Thanks for clearing that up.
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2006-03-31 22:47:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
At first when I read the title I thought it said "RAPErcussions," but this was just as good.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-03-31 17:02:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done. This should have more reviews.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-31 11:07:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Suggestion for next post: "No Smoking" signs.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-03-31 10:49:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This made me think of nodules.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-31 10:43:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-03-31 10:42:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Hehe.
Not bad. I see your mind works in similarly fucked up ways to the majority of Uber.
Carry on then.