My first day on the job. And I got fired (Kinda NSFW) (1776 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.84 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (View user info) at 2006-03-31 10:56:21 EST
Hey Fellas. My name is Tobes. How are you guys doing? Wow, this is kinda uncomfortable, you know, first day on the job and all, with you guys walking around naked. No worries, I am secure in my sexuality, I can handle it. Just don't get to close to me or touch me when you have no clothes on. Generally, I have a one peener per room rule, but I understand the situation.
Hehehehe. Why yes, I am the new guy. This IS my first day. I'm glad he told you guys I was coming in tonight. A Fag? Did you call me that? I should inform you that while I am flattered by your inquiries, I am completely hetero-sexual. Oh, haha, I see, a fucking fag. Why yes, that has a much different connotation. Hehehe. No. I'm not laughing at you, more like laughing with you. I would never laugh at someone of your size. Yes, I know you aren't laughing. I understand I can't laugh with you if you aren't laughing, but it wasn't that I was laughing AT you per se, I was just ummm....you know what, we started out on the wrong foot, let's begin again. My name is Tobes. How about you? What's your name? Come on, 'Fuck off' can't be your name. HAHA!
It was a joke. I was kidding with you. Come on, put me down.
Boy. This place is busy. Ooops, excuse me. Hehehe, didn't mean to be standing in the way, there. I'll just stand over here, out of the general traffic pattern. Oops, sorry, you need in here? Sure, no problem; didn't mean to be in the way. I'll just sit over here idle and completely out of everyone's path.
Hey, not being paternal or anything but it is a little chilly in here, with the draft from the window and all, don't you guys think you need to put more on than just briefs? Oh. Sorry, those aren't briefs; they don't have a back side to them, do they? I didn't know they made thongs for men. This has been an educational day. Be that as it may, you might catch a cold walking around this breezy locker room with nothing on but those ummm things. Maybe you guys should put on some pants, and socks. Definitely some socks, this cold concrete floor will wreak havoc on bare feet during cold and flu season. Not to mention it probably hasn't been properly cleaned or sanitized in God knows how long. Guys?
So anyway, what's the lineup? Who goes first? Thunder? Which one of you is Thunder? Oh. Glad to meet you, Thunder. Not to rush you or try to tell you what to do or anything but the guy with the clip board just said "Thunder, you're up in 5" I can only assume that means 5 minutes and you don't even have your shirt or pants on. You better get dressed. You're planning on wearing those? Aren't those for riding horses or something? Chaps? Is that what they are called? Wait, shouldn't you put some pants on before the chaps? That's not very sanitary, is it? That big guy over there tried them on just a second ago, are you sure the owner had them cleaned properly before giving them to you? Not that the big guy isn't clean or anything but wearing another man's pants, crotchless or not, with no real underpants to speak of seems like a sure fire way to spread germs, maybe even communicable disease. I'm all for living on the edge but.......
Ok, I'll shut up......Go get 'em Thunder.
Excuse me sir, did you just tell Thunder to 'make 'em wet' as he was going out? What does that mean? Is that like saying "break a leg" or something?
Tobes? Did he just say Tobes? Oh, there must be some mistake, this is my first day, and I can't go out right after Thunder. I have so much to do. I haven't ironed my pants, my shirt, anything. I'm not really a good dancer; I was hoping you guys had some tips for me. I was going to kinda watch and all to get a feel for it. Any helpful hints would be greatly appreciated. Guys? Anyone?
OK Tobes, this is it, you have to do it yourself. They are not going to help you. Watch how they move, watch them warming up, watch the guys and take some mental notes. Jeez, Louise. These Neanderthals have muscles all over the place. Good God. These guys are built. Hell, I haven't worked out in years. Why did I decide to take this job? I know male dancing earns a lot of money, but maybe I jumped the gun here. I'm not a specimen like that guy. Long blonde hair, muscles all up and down his body and.....OH MY GOD! Is that a prop or something? I don't have one of those? Holy Crap, it can't be real!! It's bigger than my arm; it has to be a prosthetic or something. Oh great, he saw me looking. I wonder if he thinks I am a homo?
Hey, where did you get that? That. Because hell, I want one. No, I meant where did you have that made? It looks real from a distance. That's quite the party favor. Ha. It can't be real, I mean, if it were real you couldn't wear underwear, khakis, normal fitting jeans, or shorts. You would have to wear sweat pants all the time. You couldn't jog; you couldn't read the paper and take a crap at the same time. Come on, where did you get it? .........Seriously? ....... Damn. Congratulations, man.
Oh, Hi Boss. What? Oh, well, you see I really am not ready to go out just yet, sir. I haven't unpacked. I need to iron my pants, and my shirt. You see, I didn't have time before I came over so I just threw them in a ...... what? No sir, I'm not interested in wearing those things. Is that some kind of leather under-garment? I mean, a fella could get hurt wearing something like that; it would cut off my circulation if I tried to squeeze my big ass in those things. And how do I know they are new, have never been worn? They have? Every night, huh? In that case I am absolutely not going to wear them. And I'm not going to let you inject me with the plague either, in case you were wondering.
I have my own undergarments, thank you very much. So what? Boxer briefs are the hip new thing now. You want me to wear something else? Fine, they must be brand new or have been recently steam cleaned and/or sanitized. You have any of that style?
What are these? They look like underwear in the back but an elephant in the front? Oh, it has a hollow trunk, how innovative. Do you have any with a smaller trunk? A sock? Yeah, I have a sock, and I was talking about that earlier to the guys. This floor is cold concrete and we should all be wearing socks. That's not what you were talking about? Excuse me? You want me to wrap a sock around it and shove it in the trunk of these whatever you call em's.
2 minutes? I can't go out in 2 minutes. I don't even really know how to dance. I was hoping for some tips or maybe some training before I went out. Watch Thunder? You mean through the curtain? OK.
That's interesting. HEY GUYS, COME QUICK, LOOK! Guys? OK, you're missing it. Some lady has Thunder's trunk in her hand and he is spraying shaving cream or maybe a whipped cream onto it for her. That's not really helping me learn to dance though. Oh my. She must really like the whipped cream. She must have just came off of some sort of diet plan and was craving a desert or something sweet. She should have went with Weight Watchers, they supply you with desert every day. She wouldn't be Jonesing out over that little bit of whipped cream.
BE CAREFUL WITH HER THUNDER, DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY CALORIES ARE IN ONE SERVING OF WHIPPING CREAM?
Sorry, Boss. I'm just saying, that stuff is not something you want to over indulge in.
OK, he moved on. He is just skipping around the room, you know like when you were in elementary school? He isn't dancing at all. He is just swinging his thing around in the women's general area, kind of like fishing, just looking for a bite. Well, not bites, per se, but you know what I mean.
It looks like he has a taker. She looks a little bit afraid, looking around at her friends, with an embarrassed smile on her face. Here comes the whipped cream. He uses whipped cream so much, he should have gone last, you know? First comes the ice cream, then the chocolate syrup, then the candy sprinkles, and finally the whipped cream. You should go with the whole sundae theme. Give the ladies a bowl and as the "condiments" roll off the units, they can collect them in a bowl and have a sundae snack to enjoy while watching. No? Just a thought.
Uh oh, she looks like she is going to take it. Yep. I saw that one coming. She probably has a good life at home, two kids and a Volvo, a good job, her husband probably has a successful business, or some type of white collar executive position. Her kids are probably middle school, one boy in 8th grade with a younger sister in the 6th. She just needs some excitement from time to time. I bet Thunder reminds her of the boyfriend she had in college, the bad boy that her parents hated but the sex was just too good to get rid of him. He probably cheated on her and ran all over her, but she couldn't get enough of him. She doesn't really consider this cheating or a marital affair of sorts, just fun.
What? I'm not psycho-analyzing anyone, I'm just offering up my opinions and observations. You told me to look out and observe.
Go home? Why? Do you want me to come back next week? Maybe like a Tuesday night I can come in and practice or get one of the guys to come in and give me some helpful tips or something. You'll call? OK. Well, let me know what night works and I'll swing by.
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-03 08:31:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-04-01 18:46:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-04-01 12:33:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
can its trunk pick up a dime laying on the ground?
that would be fab.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-04-01 01:06:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by cascade (user info) at 2006-04-01 00:51:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lady Plural's comment makes me think this would be a damn funny one-man act...
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-01 00:28:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good shit.
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2006-03-31 14:45:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You could have cut a lot out. It just dragged through the middle when we knew what the punchline was but you wouldn't spit it out.
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2006-03-31 14:30:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mine sings naturally
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2006-03-31 12:54:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahem...
ATTN GHEY MENZ!!1
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-03-31 12:11:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No matter what you say I'm not going to believe that this is fiction.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-03-31 12:04:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I smirked.
On a semi-related note, do you have ANY idea how goddamn difficult it is to work on wardrobe as a dresser for the stage version of 'The Full Monty'? The actors have to change everything, including dance belts (look them up if you don't know what they are) in like 30 seconds. About eight times during the show. Sweaty dance belts being flung in one's face is quite gross.
I just felt a need to share.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-03-31 11:22:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2006-03-31 11:17:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
thanks for the input. I was thinking it needed to be shorter too, sciso.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-03-31 11:15:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe just a little too much, but brilliant nontehless.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-31 11:13:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Quality humor.
Who wrote it for you? Me?
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-03-31 11:09:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
's good stuff right there.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-03-31 11:08:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha.
And on that note, I'm off to the pub.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-31 11:07:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed.
I wouldn't have worried about the NSFW tag on this one though.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-03-31 11:04:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This turned out hilarious. I love it.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-31 11:03:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Amusing.