FAKE Donovan's Toronto Film Fest 2006 Report (SATIRE, NOT REAL) (712 hits)
Category: Business & FinancialRating: -1.77 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tony Montana <Tony.Montana.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2006-03-31 13:22:58 EST
FAKE Donovan's Toronto Film Fest 2006 Report (SATIRE, NOT REAL)
*This is not the real Ryan Donovan nor is it his actual Toronto Film Festival Report. This is merely satire. But since I got my account frozen when I didn't specify that this was a fake, satirical piece, I'm doing so now. Please don't terminate my account*
Howdy, gang. This is Donovan reporting to you live from north of the border here in Canada...eh My lovely wife is currently slathering some Valtrex (that's herpes medication for those of you not familiar with the medical world) on her labias and on the inner aspect of her exceptionally large ass cheeks, so I thought this would be a good time to update all of you in uberland who are anxiously awaiting to hear my tedious and dull report on the upcoming films of the year.
Once again it was as glorious a time as last year. Both my wife and I had available vacation time from our jobs so it was a no-brainer that we would come to Toronto (and keep the streak alive, baby ). She actually did hint at one point that she might want to use this free time to go somewhere romantic like Hawaii or Paris. But of course she quickly recanted after I locked myself in our bathroom and pouted like a bitch for 6 hours, sucking my thumb continuously until it resembled a freeze dried prune.
Prune thumb or not, all my girlish whining paid off in spades once we actually arrived at the film festival. Just the mere sight of so many celebrities and the chance to name-drop them in an uber post provided the perfect release from my otherwise shit life. I happened to run into Phillip Seymour Hoffman at one point (by "run into" I mean I physically cornered him into a kielbasa stand) and had a riveting conversation with him regarding his performance in Capote.
The conversation quickly took a turn for the worse when I tried to release a silent fart that had been building inside of me for almost 2 hours. Instead of the smooth gaseous release from my pimple and hair riddled rectum, I accidentally unleashed a fecal gush of liquid which instantly soiled the back of my tight fitting khaki shorts and leaked down the backs of my legs.
Mr. Hoffman's quick departure from the scene dismayed me. After all, we were in Canada...the fecal matter dripping down my legs couldn't have been any more gross than Poutine...eh
Well...anyways. I've digressed enough. On to the reviews
REVIEWS (IN ORDER FROM BEST TO WORST)
COOL AS ICE - Rating 5.0 out of 5.0
Starring: Vanilla Ice, Kristin Minter, Michael Gross; Directed by: David Kellogg; Written by: David Stenn; Release Date: TBA
I can honestly say I've never been more impressed by a movie. The cinematic brilliance of this movie is elegantly captured by the tag line, "When a girl has a heart of stone, there's only one way to melt it. Just add Ice." The modern day Romeo and Juliet story between Vanilla Ice (who plays John "Johnny" Van Owen) and Kathy Winslow who is played by Kristin Minter, comes to life in a small town after Vanilla and his posse have mechanical difficulties with their bikes and must stop to get them repaired.
It is here that Vanilla falls for the beautiful yet snobbish Kathy Winslow. His repeated attempts to woo her heart with his ghetto thug appeal and machismo fail to the extent that we as the viewer become genuinely saddened and disheartened that this love may never come to real fruition. However, Vanilla's persistence pays off when he confronts Winslow while she is with her asshole boyfriend and utters the phrase that is etched into the stone of cinematic immortality: "Drop that zero and get with the hero."
If Vanilla doesn't get a golden globe nomination for his performance here, I will have lost all faith in humanity.
SAVED BY THE BELL: HAWAIIAN STYLE - Rating 4.5 out of 5.0
Starring: Mark-Paul Gosselaar, Dustin Diamond, Mario López; Directed by: Don Barnhart; Written by: Bennett Tramer; Release Date: TBA
Another solid KO from the duo of Barnhart and Tramer in creating this gem of a movie. As the title suggests, the movie takes place in Hawaii where Zach and the gang are invited to spend the summer at Kelly's grandfather's little hotel. Little do they know that their principal, Mr. Belding, is also coincidentally staying there, thus setting the mood for some wild and wacky adventures...just the way Donovan likes it...eh
However it's not all fun and games when the Bayside superfriends find out that the evil Mr. Worthington wants to buy the little hotel owned by Kelly's grandfather and turn it into an apartment complex. On top of all this, in a very believable side story, that little horse-faced jackass Screech gets kidnapped by the Pupuku group who...get this...think that Screech is their long lost leader
Overall a very powerful film which is going to lead to many more promising roles for this young group of actors and actresses. I'm predicting a best supporting actress nod for Lark Voorhies (Lisa, the token black chick).
CRASH - Rating .01 out of 5.0
Starring: Sandra Bullock, Don Cheadle, Matt Dillon; Directed and Written by: Paul Haggis; Release Date: TBA
Complete dogshit when compared to the excellence of the previous two movies. The entire movie (I use that word lightly) was a jumbled and confusing hodgepodge of various random and unrelated stories that have no discernible point of convergence. The piss poor writing was only overshadowed by the even worse acting, which is to be expected from such a C list of actors such as Don Cheadle and Matt Dillon.
The director demands an unrealistic suspension of disbelief from the audience to the extent that we are to believe a little girl does indeed possess a magic invisible invincibility cloak which allows her to deflect bullets from point blank range. Nigga what? I don't think so, Mr. Haggis. Your movie is a disgrace and may it be sent back to the bowels of hell from whence it came.
User Reviews
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2006-05-29 23:32:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Satire? Not real?
FUCKING GET YOUR OWN GIG, YOU PATHETIC JERKOFF COCKSUCKER!
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-04-02 13:12:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No comment needed
Submitted by TonyMontana (user info) at 2006-04-01 21:43:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Schlong Sucker, yeah, that's exactly what I thought. Now enjoy your saturday night which is going to consist of reading everything on the front page of uber 3 times and trying to make out a breast on the scrambled porno channel. you fucking loser.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-04-01 09:40:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Arguing with shlongy is generally amusing.
Except when morons like you do it, then it is repetetive, boring and downright juvenile.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-04-01 09:14:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
It's called "SuckMyDick Industries", asshead.
Submitted by TonyMontana (user info) at 2006-04-01 03:08:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
schlong sucker, yeah man, you're such a baller. everyone believes you. like any douche can't just type in random numbers and pretend to be wealthy.
now what's the name of this company that you own, you fucking loser?
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-01 00:30:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Boy oh boy, I needed to know that it was satire and "NOT REAL" like, 20 more times it was so close to the original!
</sarcasm>
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-01 00:24:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I didn't like this the first time.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-31 19:09:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Hey shitheel; I'm sitting here paying bills...and I'm pissed off.
My checking account balance is only showing $113,411.57.
That's because I just had to write a check to Chase for $25.
Bummer.
PS. Please note that I said "checking" account. I haven't gotten to "savings" yet.
Now get those fries down, fatass. The line's getting long.
Submitted by Brendon (user info) at 2006-03-31 19:05:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I probably would've enjoyed this more if I'd ever bothered to read a donovan post.
Submitted by TonyMontana (user info) at 2006-03-31 18:59:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Schlongy, go back to talking about how you own so many companies you fucking piss poor douche. I really missed hearing some low life piece of trash like yourself make shit up on the web to make himself look better.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-31 15:53:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
We needed this reposted like Tony needs a dick longer than an inch and a half.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2006-03-31 15:21:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Tony's the type of person who likes to randomly bash people over the net because he knows he can get away with it. Pay no mind to him, he was abused as a child.
Submitted by TonyMontana (user info) at 2006-03-31 15:17:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One Cheap Whore, I did get my account frozen you dipshit. Now get your lonely ass back to your original job of trying to think of something wild and crazy for next week's shit post thursday...it's coming up before you know it!!! you fucking dork.
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2006-03-31 14:49:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Awww....not enough people paid attention to the first one so you made up some bullshit about being banned and posted it again.
That's cute.
And by cute, I mean pathetic.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-03-31 14:46:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
haha. this post is being ignored.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2006-03-31 13:51:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
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