The Dude Upstairs (Chapter 7) (1742 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.9 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Grimm <grimmjuice.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2006-04-03 07:59:15 EDT
(For the first six chapters, just click on my profile - I'm too tired to cut and paste links right now)
Sometimes I don't know what's more fun - writing about what the Dude does, or waiting to see what he'll do next....
Friday I get home from work and pull into the driveway. The Dude is standing on the front lawn, wearing his normal uniform of hooded sweatshirt and ripped jeans. He has a bulging plastic bag in one hand, and he keeps reaching into it and grabbing a handful of something. Then he takes that handful and shakes it out on the lawn.
I exit my car and stand there for a moment, looking at him. He ignores me. It looks like he's spreading sand all over the lawn. Finally, I call to him.
"(Dude)?" I say, and he stops and turns to me, looking slightly put out.
"Yo."
"Whaddaya doing?"
"(mumbles)"
"Sorry?"
"SEEDING."
"Seeding?"
"Yeah." And he goes back to doing it.
"What are you seeding?"
"Dandelions."
"Dandelions?!"
"Yup."
"Where did you find dandelion seed?"
"A friend sold me 6 pounds of it."
"Ah. Why dandelions?"
"For the cats."
"Sorry?"
"Shit." He says, sounding annoyed. "All these neighborhood cats keep coming around and crapping on the lawn. But cats hate dandelions. So, if I cover the yard with dandelions, they won't come back." And he goes back to seeding.
I nod my head intelligently and try to think if I've ever seen a single cat turd in the great outdoors. I don't think I have, but I figure it's best not to mention it and I go inside.
Later on I'm surfing the web and decide to try finding the info about dandelions. It's not that I don't trust Dude, it just sounds a little weird. And, I really don't want my front lawn covered in yellow weeds.
With a little work, I discover that not only are Dandelions a high source of potassium, but they also serve as a natural diuretic for cats. In other words, they are not harmful to them in any way, and may be beneficial.
Later that night I'm sitting on the back porch, waiting for some steaks to finish cooking on the grill. The Dude appears from around the side of the house and sits down next to me without a word.
I look at him pointedly for a moment, and when he still says nothing, I break down.
"Hey, what's up?" I ask.
"Can I use the grill?"
"Um...yeah, I just need these steaks to finish, then it's all yours. I'll leave it on."
"Do you have any beer?"
I'm stuck speechless for a moment by the abrupt conversation change, but I recover nicely and admit that I do in fact have some beer.
"Can I buy a six pack from you?" he asks. "I don't feel like going out."
I go inside and get six bottles of Rolling Rock (I know, but they were on sale), put them in a plastic bag, and give them to the Dude.
"How much you want?" he asks.
"Nothing, just buy me a six whenever you can."
"You want Rolling Rock back?"
"I'm not picky, whatever."
My steaks finish and I go inside to eat, leaving the grill under the Dude's control. I eat my dinner, clean up, and then the phone rings. I'm on the phone for about half an hour, then I go back into the kitchen to make a drink and look outside.
The Dude is still sitting on my back porch with three empty beer bottles next to him. He's staring intently at the grill.
I make my drink and go watch T.V. for a bit. When the drink is gone, I go make another one.
And the Dude is still sitting there, staring at the grill. Now there's 4 empties next to him, and he also has a plate of what looks like Caesar Salad.
I take my drink and step outside, lighting a cigarette.
"'Sup?" the Dude says.
"Nothin'. What're you making?"
"Grilled Chicken Caesar."
"Nice." I say, and continue smoking.
After a minute the Dude gets up and lifts the lid of the grill. I see his chicken pieces, burnt to a crisp. The flames are on high and the chicken is turning into carbon.
"Like it well done?" I ask.
"Not really, but your grill sucks." He says as he takes the chicken off and pops them onto his salad plate. He shuts the grill down, nods at me, and walks back around the side of the house, leaving his empties on the porch. There's five of them.
I finish my smoke, and step back inside. A few hours later, I go out for another smoke and note that now there's six empties. I get a little ticked, so I gather them up, bring them inside, and leave them on his stairs in the foyer.
Saturday evening I find a present outside my door along with a note. It's a bottle of Vendage Merlot, which I happen to know costs about four dollars. The note says "Thanks for the beer."
Thinking myself quite the wit, I grab a copy of "How to pick Good Wine" from my bookshelf and leave it on his stairs in exchange.
Sunday morning I see him outside with his Dandelion seeds again, this time in the back yard.
"(Dude)?" I say.
"Yeah?"
"I looked it up online - Dandelions are actually healthy for cats."
"No way."
"Seriously. I can show you the web page."
"Oh, it's that online shit?"
"Yeah, I found it on a veterinary website."
"What do you expect them to say, man?"
"Um...hmm...You mean that they have an alternate agenda for saying that?"
"Everyone has an agenda, dude."
I process that bit of wisdom from the Dude for a moment. I can't think of an argument good enough to get him to stop.
So the next day I spray the whole area with weed killer.
That'll fix him.
User Reviews
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-02-16 16:09:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
dude, just label all these on your profile, its easier.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-03 16:34:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dervish (user info) at 2007-07-13 09:22:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just read every single one of these, in sequential order.
You now owe me the following:
1. A new set of pants (peed them laughing)
2. A new keyboard (spit coffee on it repeatedly)
3. A written explanation to my boss as to why I spend the first half hour of work giggling like an idiot
You will notice that I did NOT include "the half hour I spent reading your posts". That was well-spent.
Good show.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-04-18 23:05:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What do you expect them to say, man?"
"Um...hmm...You mean that they have an alternate agenda for saying that?"
"Everyone has an agenda, dude."
I process that bit of wisdom from the Dude for a moment. I can't think of an argument good enough to get him to stop.
----------------------------------
hahahahaha
Sometimes potheads say things that sound more profound than they really are.
Submitted by phauna (user info) at 2006-04-18 07:36:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dandelions are actually good only for lions, not other cats.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-04-12 10:50:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHA x8,000,000,000
Submitted by disco_brad (user info) at 2006-04-06 11:37:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
right now these are the only posts that make me crack up laughing
golden
Submitted by SteveJohnson (user info) at 2006-04-05 10:30:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by fried-green-potatoes (user info) at 2006-04-04 23:05:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bet you could get a decent screenplay out of this.
Submitted by AlexorGM (user info) at 2006-04-04 22:10:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i love you
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-04-04 10:27:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
odd.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-04 06:29:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DrRobertHand (user info) at 2006-04-03 22:52:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
You should do a second series from the other character's perspective.
Like who's? The perspective of the Dude? Let me remind you that other than very minor minor details - this is a true series. Now I have to go write Chapter 8....
Submitted by DrRobertHand (user info) at 2006-04-03 22:52:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should do a second series from the other character's perspective.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-04-03 21:53:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit. Now I have to go back and read the rest.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-03 17:06:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BadSamaritan87 (user info) at 2006-04-03 10:34:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
So the dude doesn't like cat poo? Wonder what your next "gift" should be...
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2006-04-03 17:01:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I was a kid, we used to pick marigold seed pods, and shoot them into the neighbors yard with a slingshot...suckers would grow all over the place.
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-04-03 16:24:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Submitted by angel_2k01 (user info) at 2006-04-03 08:12:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
ha ha, you should sew the seeds in his carpet!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Eddie: "You surprised, Clark?"
Clark: "Eddie, I wouldn't be more surprised if I woke up with my head sewn to the carpet."
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-04-03 15:51:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow this guy is somethin'
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-03 14:41:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-04-03 12:22:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-03 10:55:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-04-03 10:03:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
I've just spent my morning reading all of these, somehow, I got lost after the first one. My question, is where do you live? I don't mean your exact address, but location wise.
I live in Long Island, NY.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2006-04-03 10:42:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BadSamaritan87 (user info) at 2006-04-03 10:34:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So the dude doesn't like cat poo? Wonder what your next "gift" should be...
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-04-03 10:03:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've just spent my morning reading all of these, somehow, I got lost after the first one. My question, is where do you live? I don't mean your exact address, but location wise.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-04-03 09:36:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you want to get a big cat to keep other cats out of your garden.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-04-03 09:03:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-04-03 08:43:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha. Fancy doing a house-swap sometime?
I have a charming place in the wilds of Scotland. No nutty neighbours.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-04-03 08:41:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Oddly intriguing.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-03 08:40:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-03 08:37:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DizzyMissus (user info) at 2006-04-03 08:30:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know who I love more
You or The Dude?
------------------
Dude takes a close second
Peon, I'm touched. :-)
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-03 08:37:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DizzyMissus (user info) at 2006-04-03 08:30:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know who I love more
You or The Dude?
------------------
Dude takes a close second
Submitted by DizzyMissus (user info) at 2006-04-03 08:30:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know who I love more
You or The Dude?
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-03 08:26:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You have a book on picking wine? What are you, Caul?
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2006-04-03 08:16:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome, loving dude and your antics
Submitted by angel_2k01 (user info) at 2006-04-03 08:12:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha ha, you should sew the seeds in his carpet!
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-04-03 08:12:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yup
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-04-03 08:07:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He sounds awesome