I’ll Avenge My Father’s Death Later (1679 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.97 on 52 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Mike00295 (View user info) at 2006-04-03 10:49:13 EDT
First off, let me say this, I am totally bummed about my father being murdered. That sucks. Hard. My dad was a good dude and he'll be missed. I also want to make it clear that I have every intention of punishing the crime syndicate responsible for his untimely death by personally inflicting fiery justice on each of his assassins. They will feel my wrath and vengeance will be mine. However, with that being said, this week is really super bad for me, so it's going to have to wait a little while. But it's definitely on my to-do list.
Stuff's crazy at work right now. Justin's on vacation, so we're already down one manager. And this new guy they just hired still has no clue what he's doing, so it's pretty much just me and Gretchen running the whole Kinkos. Not a good week to be coming in all groggy after pursuing merciless revenge on your father's killers till all hours the night before.
In retrospect, it wasn't such a hot idea to announce at the funeral that "the streets would run red with the blood of those responsible for this abomination." Who talks like that? I guess I kind of got carried away in the spirit of the occasion. It just seemed like the right thing to say. I've always had a flair for the dramatic and I was hamming it up a bit for the crowd. There were also a few cute girls from my dad's work there and I was probably turning it on a little strong to score points with them. Big mistake. Now everyone who attended most likely expects me to follow through on my lofty vow. Balls.
So I guess I'll have to learn some fucking martial arts now. Which will probably take, like, forever. It's not like in the movies where I could just train during a two-minute musical montage featuring some shitty Survivor song and then all of a sudden I'm sweet. I'm actually going to have to enroll in some classes and practice. It'll also probably set me back a few bucks. Like I need that right now. Although I think I saw a coupon in the Sunday magazine from the paper.
I remember I took a couple of karate classes when I was a kid, but I quit after two lessons because this fat kid in the group kept beating my ass. I still say that those classes should be divided by weight and not age, because fat kids are just way stronger than normal kids. That's just science.
You know what? Not to play the gender card here, but I suppose it would be completely inconceivable for one of my sisters to avenge dad's death. That's totally off the table. See, that's the thing about women. They all want equal pay and equal treatment until it's time to seek vengeance on your parent's murderers. Then they're all, "I'm just a girl". Such horseshit.
Man, just thinking about all of those henchmen that I'm going to have to fight my way through to get to the kingpin responsible for ordering my dad's hit makes my back hurt. In all honesty, I'm not in very good shape. I don't think I've exercised since seventh grade kickball. Maybe I should take a step class.
And I suppose I need to find some kind of a mentor. A wizened master who will teach me humility and help me overcome my tortured psychological past through physical discipline and meditation. He'll instruct me on how to focus my rage and channel my fury to help me achieve my vicious reprisal. But where the hell do I find a mentor? Craig's List? Man.
You know, the funny thing is my dad and I weren't really even that close. I mean, we talked once every couple of weeks on the phone and I saw him on holidays and stuff. But it's not like we were super-tight or anything. He'd only been to my apartment like, twice. And I've been living here for three years. That makes this whole thing all the more frustrating.
I wonder how much it would cost to have someone else avenge my dad's death. No, don't even think about it, Mike. He was your dad, this is your responsibility. Damn it.
Well, it's decided then. Next week I really buckle down and start training so I can bring dad's assailants to justice and give my father the peace in the afterlife that he so richly deserves.
Wait, you know what? I just remembered that my buddy Tyler from college is going to be in town from Arizona next week and I said I'd hang out. Plus we've got that banner-printing seminar at work on Tuesday night. So next week's out. But I am going to do this.
Do you hear me, father?! Mark these words, for this is my sacred betrothal to thee! The sweet sting of retribution will be felt by all those who wronged you, as soon as my schedule opens up a little!!
I feel this guy's pain...
User Reviews
Submitted by zwerg (user info) at 2007-05-18 11:44:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-11-16 18:11:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
again, very funny but not best ever.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-11-15 01:04:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
w00t
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-11-13 13:50:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-10-30 21:31:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Scourgy - Link him to the statement of intent to be sure he sees it...
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-10-30 21:26:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
so, i'll arbitrarily decide who should be on top of the best ever, and bart removes my ratings?
i choose pentameter.
OR, bart should just give you MY rating ability, and give me yours.
i'll hold off on spamming for now, whilst mr. cilfone makes his decision
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-10-29 23:25:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
All you need to do is give them a +1 apparently.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-10-29 23:11:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'll look him up
if i zero the best ever listed as 1.99 i wonder if bart will finally take away my ratings?
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-10-29 23:10:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Me
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2006-10-29 23:06:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wonder who will be the asshole to drop the -2 bomb
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-10-29 23:05:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
He's a Contributing Editors at http://www.thephatphree.com , but no sight of him there since late july.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-10-29 23:02:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-10-29 22:54:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
i miss this guy.
consistently made me laugh.
--------------------------
Go to his other site and try to hunt him down.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-10-29 22:54:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i miss this guy.
consistently made me laugh.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-24 19:23:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Where the fuck have you been recently, leave uber for that other site?
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-07-24 18:51:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a lighthouse on the coast of Shit Sea, my friend.
Submitted by seduce.a.stranger (user info) at 2006-07-11 13:06:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i had a friend one time who took karate. she could count to ten in korean, but otherwise, i didn't really see much in the way of results.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-07-11 12:41:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-07-11 08:03:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-07-07 04:21:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, you don't have a brother named Kevin do you?
--
Nope
-------------
Understood
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-07-10 17:45:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
See comment below
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-07-07 04:21:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, you don't have a brother named Kevin do you?
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-06-13 16:51:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have returned to Uber and I seek a new Mike0925 post! HUZZAH! It is here!
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-04-04 09:21:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Goid, this is a hilarious post. I keep finding little gems every time I read it.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-04 09:05:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Call Remo Williams and ask him where he got his old Asian mentor.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-04-04 08:06:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-04-04 04:09:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2006-04-04 03:50:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus titie fucking Christ!
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-04-03 20:59:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-04-03 20:17:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And anyone can be tooted?
-- Homer Simpson, on tutoring
The Way We Was
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-04-03 17:20:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd so give that guy all the money I had on me if I saw him with that sign. That's awesome.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-04-03 16:41:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had to come back to this.
================
"They will feel my wrath and vengeance will be mine. However, with that being said, this week is really super bad for me..."
================
BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-03 16:27:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That guy should train with Shlong-Li, and master the Attack of Five Golf-Balls...
Submitted by mtgn37 (user info) at 2006-04-03 15:47:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
makes me wanna call my daddy...
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-03 14:16:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
goo!
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-03 14:04:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-03 13:23:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-04-03 13:22:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-03 13:17:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As always!
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-04-03 12:46:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good luck.
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-04-03 12:34:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Miiiiiiiike. Makin' copies. Big Mike. Mike-adonna-bing-bong. Puttin together bannnnnnnners. The Mike-A-Nator. The Mike-ster. Avenging Daddio's death. Mize-zillllllla."
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-04-03 12:32:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-04-03 12:18:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"If there is a homeless man holding a funny sign, he hasn't been homeless that long"
-CR
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-04-03 12:13:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-04-03 10:52:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
"But where the hell do I find a mentor? Craig's List?"
=============================
That was funny as hell, yes, but I just like sandwiching Pentameter.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-04-03 12:00:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"the streets would run red with the blood of those responsible for this abomination."
I said that once when they forgot to put cheese on my burger at Wendy's.
Fucking Wendy's...
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-04-03 11:44:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey, I think I love you.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-03 11:26:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for that guys sign.
The best one I ever saw said "Help elect new president of the Get Drunk Foundation"
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-04-03 11:24:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey- I've passed that guy on my way to work.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2006-04-03 11:15:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Not a good week to be coming in all groggy after pursuing merciless revenge on your father's killers till all hours the night before."
GOLD.
Submitted by deadgy6 (user info) at 2006-04-03 10:57:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2006-04-03 10:55:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-04-03 10:54:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like a good plan. As soon as you get the other half of your ass into it
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-04-03 10:52:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
"But where the hell do I find a mentor? Craig's List?"
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-04-03 10:50:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA HA HA HA HA!
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-04-03 10:49:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Here 1st http://www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?StoryID=2369&SectionID=11&LayoutType=1