The Dude Upstairs (Chapter 8) (2218 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 2 on 39 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Grimm <grimmjuice.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2006-04-04 06:59:59 EDT
Chapter 1 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/85013
Chapter 2 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/85232
Chapter 3 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/85403
Chapter 4 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/85558
Chapter 5 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/85867
Chapter 6 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/85974
Chapter 7 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/86186
On Saturday, I gave a small dinner party for a couple I know, and they brought along a girl they thought I might like. They also mentioned something about 3-people-gatherings being bad for the Chi, or Chee, or some bullshit like that. I think it was just an excuse; my friends seem to prefer me when I'm in a relationship.
Anyway, for once in their miserable fucking existence as matchmakers, they may have hit on something. I liked the girl very much. I shall assign her the Uber-pseudonym of Danielle.
The dinner went well, and thankfully the Dude was very quiet upstairs. Whenever I have people over I worry that he'll pull some shit that my guests will not find amusing. Other than leaving me a bottle of wine at the door before the guests arrived, he was quiet.
After dinner, the couple left and Danielle stayed for a nightcap. We talked for about an hour and got along very well. I found out she even lives less than a mile away. I offered to take her out next Saturday and she agreed. She shook my hand when she left, although I think she was tempted to go for the good night kiss. I gave her a call on Sunday and we ended up talking for another hour or so in the morning, and for another hour in the evening. We were really hitting it off.
So Monday I get home from work a little late, about five. There's a message on the machine from Danielle, sounding a little frantic "Um, hey (Grimm), sorry to bother you and I know this is going to sound weird, but you live close by and I was wondering if I could use your washing machine, mine is broke and I-BEEP" Fucking answering machine.
I spend five seconds wondering why she wouldn't just go to the Laundromat, and then I call her back.
"Hello?"
"Hey Danielle, it's (Grimm)."
"Hi, thank you SO much for calling me back!"
"No problem, what's up?"
"My washing machine broke this morning and I need to wash a certain outfit for a meeting tomorrow. I'd go to the Laundromat but I have...uh...a kind of phobia about them." She sounds a little embarrassed.
"A phobia?"
"Yeah, I just can't stand to go to laundromats, ever since I was a kid. If it's a problem I can call someone else, it's just that I knew you were close by..." I'm not buying something about it, but she sounds kind of embarrassed and I find the whole thing a little cute. Plus, I'm a nice guy and I'd like to see her again.
"Sure, come on over, no problem. I can even make you dinner."
"You don't have to go to any trouble, I can just stay by the machine and read a book or something."
"Don't be silly, just come over."
As I hang up I realize that I have no idea if the laundry machine is even available. The laundry room is in the basement and is used by me, the Dude, and the guy who lives in the basement, whom I've only met once.
So I head down and see that the washing machine is in fact free, however the room is littered with empty beer bottles and an empty pizza box. I suspect the Dude, but he's not home, so I clean up his mess.
Danielle arrives, looking embarrassed but also like she took to the time to put on something nice. I try to reassure her that it's no problem, and we start her laundry up. We head into the kitchen where I get us a glass of wine and start making some dinner.
As I cook, we talk, and the conversation is very nice, unforced and not awkward. We chat about the couple we know, about work, and about past relationships. I get the feeling that her last boyfriend was a bit of a dick, and she seems impressed by my clean apartment and cooking skills.
As we're about to sit down and eat, I hear the Dude come home and thump his way upstairs, making more noise than usual. I roll my eyes at Danielle, say "Housemates..." in an annoyed voice, and then we continue as normal.
Her laundry gets done, but she doesn't seem in any hurry to leave, and I don't really want her to. We keep talking and drinking wine, although we don't get plastered or anything. We end up on my couch with some candles, listening to music and just chilling, and of course sooner or later the first kiss comes along.
Excellent.
Please keep in mind I've had no sex for over two months and that trumps any gentlemanly behavior that I'd normally exhibit. The kissing continues to some petting, and that's when I hear it.
"Oooooooooooooooooooh!" Coming from upstairs.
Through the ceiling.
From the Dude.
It happens again:
"Oooooooooh. Yeah!"
Oh, fuck me. This can't be happening.
Not now.
Please, god.
That's when I see that Danielle notices it too.
"Hmmm..." she says. "Sounds like he's doing what we're doing."
"Um, yeah, sorry about that. I didn't even know he had a girlfriend."
"OOOOOOh, OOOOOOh, OOOOOh, SHIT!!! YES!" (coming from upstairs)
Danielle and I kind of smile, but it's a little freaky. I sit there trying to figure out how to suggest we go into the bedroom where it will be quieter - without her thinking that I'm after sex. (which of course, I am)
"Is your bedroom under his?" she asks, reading my mind.
"No, it's not." I say, and take her hand.
"FUCK YES!" I hear from upstairs, and that's when it hits me.
The Dude is not getting laid. He's watching porn. As I pass by the kitchen radiator I can even hear the background music. Danielle stops walking and I think she hears it too.
"Should we um...talk about...safety?" she asks. I'm always happy when this is brought up, and my heart leaps when I realize that I'm gonna get laid.
"Yeah, absolutely," I say and we stand in the hallway and talk about it while the Dude jerks off above our heads. The conversation is painless, and she mentions a couple of things which lead me to believe that she isn't very experienced and that this isn't a normal thing for her to do (and I know the kind of comments I'll get on that, but I was convinced by what she said and have no intention of sharing that part with all of you)
So we go into my bedroom and things get started. I hear nothing from above, until we get to a point where Danielle was...um...kneeling in front of me. That's when I start hearing it again.
"OOOOOOOOOOOh! YES! YES! YES! Oh! Yes!" coming from above and also coming slightly through the bedroom door.
Danielle stops what she's doing and starts laughing a little.
"Is that bothering you?" she asks.
"You have no idea! This guy is a damned flake! It's always something."
"Maybe you could ask him...to um...turn it down?"
I seize on this idea as being very good, and since I don't have the Dude's home number, I get my clothes together and go upstairs and knock. I hear the noise from beyond stop and he opens the door a crack.
"Yo." He says.
"Hey (Dude). Listen, can you turn that down?"
"You don't like it?" he says with a grin. I lean close to the crack in the door and lower my voice.
"I have company right now, and I'm trying to get laid." I whisper.
"Oh shit!" he says with a smile. "With a guy or girl?"
"GODDAMNIT! FUCK YOU (DUDE)!" I scream and bang on his door. "TURN OFF YOUR GODDAMNED PORN AND JERK OFF LATER!" I yell, and go back downstairs. Arriving in my living room, I see Danielle standing there, her clothes back in place, which I don't take as a good sign.
"Maybe we shouldn't," she says, looking even more embarrassed.
"You're right," I say. "It might be too soon at any rate. We still on for Saturday though?"
As I'm anxiously awaiting her answer, I start to hear a new sound from upstairs. Music, this time. Real, real loud. We pause in our conversation and listen for a moment.
"I think that's Luther Vandross" Danielle says, and starts laughing hysterically. I step to the wall and start banging my head lightly against it as she laughs. Tears start coming out of her eyes, and I just want to go upstairs and kill him.
I continue to bang my head until Danielle comes over and puts a hand on my back and gives me a very soft kiss on the cheek.
"Friday night." She says. "Only you come to my place. I can cook too." I kiss her and she leaves with her laundry.
I can handle weird shit being left by my door.
I can handle ruined gatherings.
I can handle lies to the landlord.
I can handle Dude sucking up all my propane and beer.
I can handle dandelion infested lawns.
But I will not stand by while he ruins a BJ for me. That is so over the line you can't even see the fucking line from where he is.
This means war.
The Dude has to go. I don't care if I have to drive him out, or get the landlords to kick him out, or get him arrested or killed. All his cutesy bullshit that makes you chuckle only goes so far.
And FYI, after Danielle departed, I was forced to "take matters into my own hand" - but I kept the volume at a reasonable level.
Considerate motherfucker that I am.
User Reviews
Submitted by YoMikeyA (user info) at 2008-02-07 12:43:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
dude....seriously just entertained me for 30 minutes of a boring ass work day
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-03 16:39:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Best so far.
Submitted by Dervish (user info) at 2007-07-13 09:23:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just read every single one of these, in sequential order.
You now owe me the following:
1. A new set of pants (peed them laughing)
2. A new keyboard (spit coffee on it repeatedly)
3. A written explanation to my boss as to why I spend the first half hour of work giggling like an idiot
You will notice that I did NOT include "the half hour I spent reading your posts". That was well-spent.
Good show.
Submitted by secret_of_nimh (user info) at 2006-04-18 23:30:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It can't be any worse than getting road head and then not seeing the railway tracks while going about 70kph.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-04-18 23:16:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-04 07:20:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-04 07:10:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe
Submitted by phauna (user info) at 2006-04-18 07:43:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BJ. Auto sympathy +2
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-05 13:10:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-04-05 08:29:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahahahaaa.
Nice bit of Vandross...
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-04-04 19:16:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Oxymoron (user info) at 2006-04-04 16:26:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-04-04 16:19:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Son, this is the only time I'm ever gonna say this. It is not okay to
lose.
-- Homer Simpson
Dead Putting Society
=========================
Sadly, I'm going to miss The Dude if you actually succeed in excommunicating him from Grimmland.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-04 16:08:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mariah Carey music is also pretty good for that sort of thing too.
Dude, you should have put some of your own music on first.
Submitted by BrownEyedGirrl (user info) at 2006-04-04 15:45:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well now THIS is quality!!!
I can't wait to find out how you get rid of this dipsh*t!!
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-04-04 15:12:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fellaciotic interference is grounds for immediate dismissal with EXTREME prejudice.
Email me your physical address and I can have this taken care of in just less than two hours.
Email: CockBlockKillers.at.imgocutchumang.com
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2006-04-04 14:49:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm gonna get fired because of you and your story.
Submitted by Leonfc (user info) at 2006-04-04 13:36:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Quality!
But seriously....The dude is so in your head right now that the only reason you stopped the felatio is because you were imagining him on his kness in front of you! Admit it...ADMIT IT!
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-04-04 11:20:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
best chapter yet.
Submitted by SteveJohnson (user info) at 2006-04-04 10:40:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cockblocking should be a capital offense unless you're saving someone from certain embarassment or a known VD carrier.
This is a great, well-written series. Keep it up.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-04-04 10:31:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
if she was better at giving head you wouldn't have noticed your surroundings. good luck on getting nani though. if Dude wants porn i can get him some.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-04 10:24:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-04 10:22:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay Grimm ... but only if you can get the 'dude' to crank his porno upstairs while we are doing it.
_________________
I can arrange that if you can arrange for the same sound effects as porn chicks usually make...shouldn't matter if I bring you to those heights or not. :-)
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-04 10:22:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay Grimm ... but only if you can get the 'dude' to crank his porno upstairs while we are doing it.
Submitted by evesapple (user info) at 2006-04-04 10:10:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
aw! i hate to think he'll be gone soon.
you're the first poster i've actually sought the posts of
(weird wording. it's early and i'm hungry and can't smoke weed)
i love this series, though!
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-04-04 09:49:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Best series ever.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-04-04 09:45:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This shit is hilarious.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-04-04 09:29:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cockblocked! this was the best one yet!
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-04-04 09:10:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whatever happened to "bitch, you better get over here and finish sucking my dick! What, you think laundry priveledges don't come with a tax?" I hate to say it, but either the Dudes impressions about you aren't to far off or you are the most effeminate sap I've ever +2ed.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-04 08:58:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-04-04 08:42:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoy reading this series, but I get the impression writing this type of stuff on Uber is going to come back and bite you in the arse.
(That is of course, presuming your posts are based on true stories.)
_____________________
I have been very careful to shield my true identity, and yes, except for minor details, they are all true.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-04 08:35:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
I told him to fuck with you and scare her away.
YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE SAVING YOURSELF FOR ME!!!
*sobs*
_____________________
Peon, act now - supplies are running out!
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-04-04 08:42:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoy reading this series, but I get the impression writing this type of stuff on Uber is going to come back and bite you in the arse.
(That is of course, presuming your posts are based on true stories.)
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-04 08:35:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I told him to fuck with you and scare her away.
YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE SAVING YOURSELF FOR ME!!!
*sobs*
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-04-04 08:19:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-04-04 07:39:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
Just look on the bright side, at least you met a nice girl who will more than likely put out this Friday night.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2006-04-04 08:08:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff
Submitted by DizzyMissus (user info) at 2006-04-04 07:59:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Best series ever
I like very much
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-04-04 07:57:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The Dude rocks.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-04-04 07:39:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*tries desperately to hold back hysterical laughter* I'm so sorry the kid cock-blocked you.
Just look on the bright side, at least you met a nice girl who will more than likely put out this Friday night.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-04-04 07:39:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-04 07:20:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-04 07:10:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2006-04-04 07:18:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
YES! Best in the series I reckon!
Though that's damn unlucky. Ahem.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2006-04-04 07:13:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ledgend! Fucking Ledgend!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-04 07:10:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe